MYSTERY PHOTO CONTEST 
Kid Rock at Buick Open 
Ping zinged & King Par jarred 
Where's my man bag? 
First week in the can 
Flint Township office space for lease 
Blogs: Elin Nordegren to red-shouldered hawks 
Golf Shot Descriptions 
Chuck E. Cheese in Flint 
Snakes on a plane golf course? 

July 13, 2008

MYSTERY PHOTO CONTEST
I'm actually sorry that I have to be the one who showed you this, seeing as [SUBJECT] has at least as many of these old photos as I do (but he started it).

HINT: The year is maybe 1972 (give or take a year) and it was NOT Halloween. Yes it was a special occasion (taking into account the birthday cake), but still no reason to put on "the formal wear". I can't help but to wonder what went through his mind that morning when he opened the closet to pick out that day's attire. "This is perfect. Airy, frilly, and with a touch of 'Sassy!'" No, this is not Charlie Manson in his formative years.

Kid Rock did not golf much. On the second hole, he hit his tee shot onto the 11th hole, then left it there. Some people donate their organs to science; Kid Rock gives his golf balls to nature. He has this habit of starting holes with a club and ball and ending them with a beer and cigar.

I am in the market for a new golf bag and Ping will not be in the running. Apparently, the folks at Ping are too busy trying to sell to new customers than in exerting minimal effort to keep the ones they already had. Fair warning to you, dear readers. After my experience with them, I cannot at this time endorse Ping. Who knows - that could change. Maybe I will get a satisfactory response from the folks at Ping after I submit this post to the "Stories" section of Ping's homepage ( http://www.pinggolf.com/ ) If I do, all of you here in my humble little corner of cyber golf land will be the first to know. But I won't hold my breath. My story? O.k.

I received a Ping cart bag for a birthday gift from my mother a few years ago. It seemed to be the perfect receptacle to carry my Ping Eye's, with the 6-way soft cover top and pockets galore - I'm sure it was a $300 or more bag brand new. The problem is, the most important zipper on this bag (that being the one on the bottom pocket that houses my ample supply of golf balls) no longer works. And it's not like the zippered bag has a real difficult job. All I would expect my golf bag to do for my 20 to 25 rounds per year is for this bottom zipper to successfully open and close, allowing me access to the contents of the pocket after I lose a ball from an errant shot. That's it! (admittedly I lose a lot of balls. If this were a car, I'd be putting "city miles" on it). But some time ago, the zipper broke. It's not that it pulled away from the bag. The thick roped stitching is still holding, and is the kind that I imagine Rosie O'Donnell requiring for her inseam. (Yikes! No picture.) It's just that the zippered teeth stopped locking. Last season, I simply left the pull tab at half mast. This was semi-functional, but I would occasionally lose a ball or two out of the side openings. Plus, it irritated the hell out of me all last season!

This year I finally decided to have this zipper fixed. I had my clubs re-gripped at King Par in Flint Township and told the salesman about my bag. He told me that they would be happy to ship my bag back to Ping for repairs and that it probably wouldn't cost me a thing "since Ping stands behind their products". Not being one of those guys that is always looking for something for nothing, I explained to the salesman that free would be great, but that I would be willing to pay for a replacement zipper and the cost of repairs. I fully expected to pay, as the bag was a few years old (although the zipper had been broken for the last two years). He told me that if Ping had a required fee, he would call me for payment. He said it would take three weeks turn-around and I would get a call when it was in. I said fine. That was May 15.

Now I should tell you that this paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with Ping, but much to do with adding to my overall mood. I pulled my old generic golf bag out from the enclosed corner room of my basement that houses the sub-pump. I carried it up from the darkened bowels of this cave, exposing it to the sun for the first time in a few years (it reminded me of Cool Hand Luke coming out of solitary confinement). I quickly realized that this bag smelled awful (decaying corpse eu toilet). I figured that a few blasts of Lysol and an hour in the sun would resurrect this bag. "After all, it's only for three weeks," thought I. Well, the Lysol and sun have met their match, as the unpleasant odor of the crypt continues to follow my partner and I around the course each week. I'm sure the source of this smell (black mold?) is completely healthy too. "Don't worry partner. I'm getting my bag back soon." Hah!

(Back to the story) When I still hadn't heard from King Par by June 12th, I decided to give them a call. I identified myself and the reason for my call to the gal who answered. After checking, she returned to the phone and told me that my bag had arrived several days ago (Strike one! Would they have EVER called me?) and that it had been sent back unrepaired (STEEEE-RIKE TWO). WTF!? "Why?", asked I. "Because the broken zipper wasn't covered under the warranty," she answered.

"BUT I AM WILLING TO PAY FOR IT!"

I think she sensed that I was displeased, so she put me on hold so that she could pass me off to the salesman who I originally had dealt with when I dropped the bag off almost a full month ago. I attempted to bring him up to speed. I asked him why my bag was returned unrepaired. He asked what was wrong with it. I explained that the zipper was broken. "which zipper?," he asked. (Now I'm getting really pissed). "You have the bag right there in front of you so you tell me!... (sensing he might not be the wedge with the highest degree of loft in the bag, I spotted him the answer) ...it's the bottom pocket."

(phone conversation continues... no embellishment here, I swear!)
salesdude: "It looks O.K. to me"
Me: "Well, maybe the gal I spoke with is mistaken and it's been fixed. Humor me and try it. Let me know if it's still broken."
salesdude: "Yep it seems to work now. The tab goes back and forth. Of course, the teeth aren't staying closed."
Me: "I guess it depends on one's definition of broken, but by mine, the bag is still broken."
salesdude: "Yah, I see your point."
Me: "I'm tired of leaving a trail of golf balls behind me like bread crumbs left by Hansel and Gretel."

I then recanted the whole story back to him. I told him that when I dropped the bag off, I was given two possible scenarios - That Ping would fix the bag for free, or that Ping would fix the bag for a fee. I told him that this "door number three" was never presented to me as a possible option. Since I was willing to pay, why wasn't it fixed? Certainly they have the technology to fix a zipper. The salesman promised to call Ping and get an explanation and then to call me back. I asked him if he wanted me to make this call, since I was obviously a little more P.O.'d about this than he was, but he said he would. To his credit he called me back within 5 minutes, but what he told me Ping had said absolutely floored me. Ping stated that "they couldn't repair the zipper because of the curve of the tube." They suggested I take the bag to a shop that deals with luggage.

If NASA can send a probe to Mars and almost be able to analyze soil samples, then by God Ping should be able to fix a zipper on their own product, shouldn't they? They could build in an obscene profit margin for this service and at least give customers an option, couldn't they? I mean, if you bought a brand new car and then had a blowout after 5,000 miles, the dealership would sell and install a new tire for you, wouldn't they? I have never heard of a flat tire ever totaling a car. But apparently, the bag's "curve" has Ping's own engineers completely baffled, prompting them to suggest I take this to a much more competent and intellectually superior source than them.

That being "people who deal with luggage".
[Return to Menu:]

Snap's final email:
I am a bit distressed and feeling somewhat discombobulated for no apparent reason I can only attribute to the feeling Gollum inexplicably had upon losing possession of his precious. Also getting a little low on golf balls so you have my permission to nominate me if you wish tonight for 1 st sending you multiple frantic emails concerning the location of and contents of the precious ... I mean the manbag and what exactly I was expected to do this day without it.... then woefully lamenting this final rhetorical but entirely serious query:

"Multiple Choice...Who is most likely to have said.....A man without his manbag can only be but half a man!!?
A. Boy George upon checking into jail and being relieved of his peronals & sundries;
B. Pierce Broslin in the uniquely clever ending to the remake of the movie Thomas Crowne Affair
C. Militant Muslim decked out in full body explosives and duct tape moments before approaching crowd of innocents
D. Rick "Snapper" Carlson unsuccessfully attempting to calmly prepare for league without his precious turtle green shoulder accompanyment"

Some updates have taken place in the Photo gallery. Check it out. While we wait for his post-round minutes and AOTD vote results, enjoy the following:

New Majestic Beer Babe of the Week (MBBOTW)!

[Return to Menu:]

Sorry so late with the editorial, but nuthin' seems to get done in a timely fashion without the founder and el presidente' Snapper, who had the boys in tow down in sunny Florida until this past weekend. The executives of the league have spared no expense and in an attempt to stretch your league due dollars, a team of highly trained monkeys technicians have made dramatic improvements to the sheet. Click link above to check it out for yourself. Without further delay:

Weekly Kudos:
Low Actual: Dave Wolfenden 40
Low Net: Dave Wolfenden and Steve Peltier 36
Greenies: Dave Wolfenden and Paul Throesch
5 Hole skin: Dave Wolfenden
Team skin: no winner $15 carry over

Snapper Bites:
As recounted by Jerry DaBlade Carlson:

#1) I arrived to the course and bellied up to the clubhouse bar. Since I was sporting the man bag over one shoulder, I thought I would be consistent as your appointed proxy, so I told the young and pretty bar girl, "I'll have a bourbon and diet in a fancy plastic glass to go please." She said that they didn't have any bourbon. "Really?," I answered.  "You had bourbon last year in little bottles." "Well, we don't have it this year," she retorted confidently. So I ordered 4 LaBatts to go. As she put them in a travel cooler full of ice for me, a gentleman who had overheard our exchange jumped in and said, "we have Jim Beam." "Jim Beam is bourbon?," asked the cute but vacuous bar girl.

#2) My partner Guy and I were scheduled to play Fulgham and Ellis. Chad stated that Micha couldn't make it but he proudly announced that he had secured a sub. "What time does this league tee off?," inquired Chad (who has golfed in the Snapper league long enough to know the answer to his own inquiry. I told him 5 O'Clock. Obviously on "Ellis time" and used to showing up mid-round and unsure of the official start time, he had told his sub that the league started at 6PM. He immediately called his friend via cell phone to update him with this "new" information. Call placed around 5:30PM. Needless to say, our group teed off around 6PM and never saw another Snapper the entire round. We returned to the clubhouse in the dark and received a standing ovation at 8:40PM.

Come on peoples..shall we revisit # 2 as vote for Chad Ellis AOTD for Gross Innocent Misrepresentation of the League starting time to his procured substitute and/or veritable and material malfeasance in failing to even know the actual league start time???

ALSO WORTHY OF AOTD CONSIDERATION:
Timmy K for ….Typical Timmy K disruption of league business and distraction to those conducting it. With Snapper & Cmoney absent, Wolf helped DaBlade by collecting the weekly greenies money. At the end of the round Jerry had 2 teams yet to pay (his own and Timmy’s). Upon requesting payment Timmy went berserk insisting he had paid Jerry pre round 7 crumpled 1 dollar bills. Jerry checked his sheet and his wallet and displayed them to TK the latter being devoid of any greenbacks as so described and inquired of Wolf if Timmy was mistaken and had paid him. Wolf checked his sheet and his collected money all the while attempting to ignore the vociferous protestations of Timmy that he had paid Jerry. Wolf had no extra money and while Jerry knew Timmy to be wrong poneyed up the money to shut him the hell up for a second. Timmy continued the rant suggesting this appeasement was proof of Jerry’s acknowledgement that Timmy was right all along. A few minutes later, Chad Ellis walked in asking who he should pay his $7 (Wolfs missing 7 to) thereby balancing the books and making one thing clear, Jerry had not been paid the $7 by Timmy.

The boys at work                      and their bounty

[Return to Menu:]

Flint Township office space for lease
Conveniently located near I475, I75, and US23 (as well as across the street from Snapper's law office!) [Click Here] for the rest of the details.

Pic pic must have found my advertising rate card agreeable. Lease one of the two available office suites and I will get my golf paid for! I know what you are thinking. That the odds of business executives who are seeking professional office space somehow cyber-stumbling their way here to see this ad are slim. You might be wrong. Don't forget that I have an uncanny ability to draw attention to myself. Remember... CNN was here. Don't doubt me.

Selling something? Buy me a beer and some golf and advertise here.

Tell you what. If I win and have to carry something of Tiger's, it will be his Swedish model wife, Elin Nordegren. She can ride on my shoulders for 18 holes with nary a complaint from me.

This contest I will enter.

Then I read the correction posted the next day and got on with my life.

"According to court documents, Isenhour got upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing another take. He began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up. Isenhour started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine indicated in a report. Isenhour allegedly said "I'll get him now," and aimed for the hawk. "About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close," Baine wrote.

A few shots later, witnesses said he hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils.

It is reported that his defense is that he didn't think he would actually hit it, yet he took about a dozen shots at it. Kind of the opposite of what Trevino used to say after a hole-in-one. "That's what I was aiming at!" Let that be a lesson to you Wolfenden. No more targeting does from the range tees.

Tiger 7 Shots Behind Immelman at Masters Woods hardly looked like the world's greatest player when he yanked his final tee shot into the pine trees on the left side of 18. He lined his next shot into the fairway—the adjacent 10th fairway—
[Return to Menu:]

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots... Shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary.
A *Paris Hilton* - a very expensive hole.
A *Rock Hudson * -it looked straight, but wasn't.
An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim.
A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker into another.
A *Yasser Arafat* - butt ugly and in the sand.
A *Kate Winslett* -a drive that's little bit fat but otherwise perfect!
A *John KennedyJr*., didn't make it over the water.
An *Elephant's Ass* - it's high and it stinks.
A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed.
An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it.
A *Princess Grace* - should have used a driver.
A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have used a driver.
A *condom* - safe, but didn't feel very good.
Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result.
A *Rush Limbaugh* - a bit too far to the right.
A *Nancy Pelosi* -way too far to the left.
A 'Barbra Streisand' Ugly but still working.
A 'Linda Ronstadt' Blew By You.
A 'Dick Cheney' Ball in an undisclosed location.
A 'Teddy Kennedy' goes in the water, but jumps out.
... and finally

A *Peewee Herman* Too much wrist.
[Return to Menu:]

Im not the one whos so far away
When I feel the snake bit enter my veins.
Never did I wanna be here again,
And I dont remember why I came.
"VOODOO" by GODSMACK

Making the email rounds, and finding it's way to me...

Snake Killed On Golf Course In Macon, GA
Another reason to stay on the fairway. This is the golf course off Hartley Bridge Road in Macon. This is a timber rattler killed last week-end. It is by far the biggest rattle snake I have ever seen. Although diamond back rattlers get this big and maybe even bigger, I did not know those timber rattlers reached that size. I have not talked to Ollie about how many rattles it had or it's actual size and length was, but since he is about 5'9" the snake appears to be at least 8 feet long if not longer, and is bigger around than his arms. He killed the snake on number 8 at Oakview while looking for his ball. He killed the snake with a 2 iron. The man holding the snake is greens keeper.

Well, now we have a follow-up story to this...(thanks to Snapper)

The "greens keeper guy" from Georgia was not amused when an out-of-town yankee golfer named "Timmy" offered him a green snapper tee upon noticing a large fanged reptile on the golf course and inquired: "How can you tell it is a timber rattler???"

And now, "Snake Balls"...
[This story] tells of golf balls that were surgically removed from a carpet python snake last month after it had "slithered into a hen house for a quick snack of hens eggs and swallowed the golf balls instead". Apparently, some yahoo bought these dirty balls on EBay for $1400.
[Return to Menu:]