SNAPPERS 2007 YEAR IN REVIEW 
DaBlade's Christmas Dream 
Rules Quiz: Is this allowed? 
Back to the '70's? 
Golf - A happy “eternity of frustration” 
Snapper's Fish Story 
"Ask DaBlade" advice column debut! 
Golfer sinks to an all time Snapper low! 
C-Money Cashes in on an *EAGLE! 
Majestic Beer Babe of the Week: Lori Lynn! 
WHO SHOT 39!?, (and who's skipping Buick Open?) 
Snapper Bites, June 20 
SpongeDave NekidPants?: 
Gary Fulghamism Snapper Jeopardy 
Snapper Bites, May 22 
SCORECARD-GATE 
And we're off! 
Snapper Line-up Shake-up 
PETA Protests Local Golf League 
Shang's refrigerator 

SNAPPERS 2007 YEAR IN REVIEW
Blogitorial by: Rick "Snapper" Carlson
January 1, 2008

Fellow Snappers, I as you no doubt are as well, find myself disappointed that the various television, radio and newspaper coverages at year’s end professing to list the biggest, best (or fill in the blank) notable sports stories of the year ending in but a few hours as of this writing, fails to acknowledge or mention the accomplishments of our league and members this past year. Barry Bonds? Phooey! Michael Vick? Bulldog! Baseball Steroid scandal? What about THE SNAPPERS? So allow me your oh so humble leader to list a few of what I believe to be the highlights of the 2007 season and invite you to do likewise as we wind down the old year and bring in the new.

First, a belated happy 20th Anniversary SNAPPERS. That’s right, we started in May 1988 and have now golfed continuously through September 2007. I telephoned Bill “Pic Pic” Cape who I know to be good with numbers (good for me anyway over the years collecting his dues) just to make sure I was right. He said I was it adds up to 20 consecutive years!

Second, this year we welcomed Joe Gilbert back and newest Snappers, Les Helmkay and Larry Lambaria. Once a Snapper, always a Snapper.

Third, our most noteworthy AOTD for the year? Hmm …let me think….no…I got it: Naked Dave went “Man Overboard”. That’s it for me.

Fourth, Cowan and Peltier won the league championship again (two years in a row) Way to go guys!

Fifth, Wolf and Steve didn’t. Don’t know why I enjoy saying that but I do.

Sixth, my son Chris a/k/a CMONEY a/k/a Lil Snapper is still on the league with best friend Naked Dave Mitteer. I enjoy their company and youthful exuberance and the fact that the rest of you old farts like em just fine more than you can imagine.

So how about it Snappers? What do you wish to fondly recall of Snapper Golf 2007?

And oh, by the way, in celebration of our 20 year Anniversary we did have a vote for the updated all time AOTD TOP TEN list which I can think of no better time than now to post in reverse order if you please:

10. Chris Carlson (8/5/2004) for the notorious “4-Iron Fake-out”.
(this is a newcomer to the list which could not be ignored by enough Snapper voters to displace one of the previous honorariums.)

9. Mike Watson (5/27/1999) for his oh so feeble “Hansel & Gretel” impersonation.
( this was previously #8 on the all time list and with stiff competition, held its own and remains on the list)

8. Timmy Kachelski (7/3/2006) for authorizing “FREE BEER!”
(Another all time list newbie and not to be soon forgotten)

7. Jimmy Walker (week 12 1998) for “Belly Bog Breathin”
(Previously #7 on the all time list, this one holds its position against the 2007 voters)

6. Naked Dave Mitteer (6/7/2007) for “Man Overboard”
(this is something we all thought about but only Dave dared to accomplish…so off the list goes another previously honored alltime top tenner)

5. Guy Metzger (5/9/1996) for the “Range Ball Dispenser Fiasco”
(Although 11 full seasons ago, ah it seems like only yesterday, up from #6 on the list this one gets better with age apparently)

4. Pete Deisel (week 16 1989) for “White Tees Only!”
(From only our second season of play and gone from the league shortly thereafter so as most of you never met the man, you still choose to remember his outrageously funny entitlement to this honor.

3. Bill Cape & Dave Lawless (8/7/2003) for “Name Tags to Help Gary”
(This one rocketed into the top 3 of all time receiving its due from everyone voting this year)

2. Mark Blevins (6/2/1993) for “The Assassin”.
(This little beauty stands the test of time and remains as before solidly in the #2 position)

And Now……Drum Roll Please………….Oh never mind….you know STILL #1 of All Time:

1. Rick Carlson (6/15/1988) for “How can you tell it’s a Snapper?”
(No comment is offered thank you very much)

Now voted off the alltime top ten list but never to be forgotten were previous #4 Jim Whalen (6/29/1988) for appeasing his wife and daughter, and Bill Cape (6/23/1993) for previous #5 “Overpaid Dues”, and Dave Wolfenden (7/9/1998) for “Premature Greenie Self Payment”, previously # 9, and previous #10, Little Timmy K’s (8/24/2000) “Jello Shot Stealing”.

Garnering significant support and thereby honorablely mentioned herein are Chris Carlson (7/12/2003) “Chaos Theory”, Greg Carlson (5/24/2001) for “Extreme Spousal Loyalty”, Bill & Dave (5/24/2006) for “Unnatural Creation of Loose Impediments with Pruning Shears”, and last but not least Dave Mitteer (7/30/2005) for “Golf Cart Shifter Sweet Spot”. Great stuff, all of it but there can only be 10 on an alltime Top Ten List. Thanks for playing and see ya in the Spring for Season #21. GO SNAPPERS!!!
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I had a very strange dream last night...

'Twas was a Thursday night at the Majestic, and all through the course,
All the creatures were stirring, especially the Snappers.
All the golfbags were propped, at the docks with care
In hopes that Cap'n Brad soon would be there.

The beers were nestled all snug in their coolers,
While clouds of cigar smoke danced around our heads.
And Naked Dave in his swim trunks, and C-Money in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long summer's golf round.

When out on the lake there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the dock to see what was the matter.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature pontoon boat, with eight lucious beer babes,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Cap'n Brad.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
The butt of his cigarette he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Jill! now, Laura! now, Betsie and Lori Lynn!
On, Bambi! on Heidi! on, Cathy and Liz!"
They jumped from the boat, knee deep in the water.
And they began to splash away! Splash away! Splash away all!

So as you can see, the dream was just getting good. But as dreams are like to do, I was suddenly and inexplicably back in my room. I was visited by three spirits.

Christmas past	Christmas present	Christmas future

The ghost of Christmas past warned me of over indulging. The ghost of Christmas present warned me about having a sense of humor. But it was the ghost of Christmas future that scared me the most. He wore only one glove, so I'm pretty sure he was a golfer. He opened his robes and I saw several children clinging to his bony legs. It was all very frightening to say the least. Thankfully I then woke up from this night of fitful dreaming.

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."
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Golf Digest has a quiz up to test your knowledge of some of the rules of golf. The ten questions require a simple "Yes" or "No" and I completed mine swiftly and proudly. When I checked the answers, I was stunned to learn that I didn't ace this test (at least when using the official USGA RULES for the answers). Take the quiz now before proceeding with DaBlade's results (don't cheat!).

How did you do? My problem was that I took this quiz wearing my Snapper Rules goggles, which is why many of these questions (let alone the answers) made no sense. Take for example the first question:

1. Your opponent's ball is just off the green... and it's on your chipping line. He voluntarily marks his ball to allow you to chip without interference.

USGA: "No", A one stroke penalty to the offendor trying to help his opponent out. That would earn an AOTD, wouldn't it?
Snapper Rule 1: "?" (would require a vote):,There is no Snapper Rule that can even be loosely interpreted to address this question, and that's probably because it is a foreign concept to attempt to be courteous to one's opponent. Since there is no specific rule for this situation, we must default to the ominous Rule #1: "USGA RULES except as modified herein". Of course, Snapper Rule #1 is in conflict with Rule 1-3 of the USGA rules that states that players cannot agree to waive rules., but let's not quibble. The Carlson triumvirate is the ultimate controlling legal authority for the league.

2. Your playing partner hits his ball in the woods... so he drops a ball (at point of entry and takes the penalty stroke) and plays on.

USGA: "No", He should have taken a one-stroke penalty and played from the spot where he took his last shot.
Snapper Rule 3: "Yes", ...a one-stroke penalty with the ball to be played by “line of flight” at the point out of bounds; You always take your distance... (of course, if your partner finds your ball DEEP in the woods, you are allowed to play it from there, even after hitting a beautiful provisional, but Bill doesn't recommend this)

3. Your opponent marks his ball next to the hole after three shots (and) a wind gust blows it in. He writes 3 on his scorecard.

USGA: "Yes", Provided the ball was not addressed.
Snapper Rule 1: "Yes", Provided the ball was not rolled by player. Of course, if the wind knocks in your 40-foot cigar putt, there is no penalty.

4. Your opponent uses a bottle cap as a tee.

USGA: "No", ...(as far we know a bottle cap is not designed to do that)
Snapper Rule 4: "?" (would require a vote): Rule 4 states "Play white tees". MUST one? If bottle caps are allowed, then beer caps to follow? What about the entire Beer can as a tee? Could they be used from the fairway? Could these accoutrements be kept in one's sock? These are all excellent questions, and would depend entirely upon whether or not there was a complaint and demand for a vote. After all, Naked Dave struck a perfect chip shot using a large tree branch (See AOTD archives: August 4, 2005) with no complaint/no penalty.

5. Your playing partner hits his ball into a water hazard... he takes a penalty drop, and his ball rolls into a bunker. He then hits the shot.

USGA: "No", ...the ball must be re-dropped.
Snapper Rule 2: "Yes", Winter rules apply throughout the year; you may always improve your lie... but you don't have to. Again, the unfortunate penalty drop into a bunker may in fact earn an Asshole-of-the-day award (depending on the field that week).

6. Your opponent's ball is under some leaves, but he can't see it at address or move the leaves without moving the ball. He claims he's entitled to a free drop because he says he should be able to see the ball to hit it. So he takes relief and hits his next shot.

USGA: "No", He's not necessarily entitled to see the ball...
Snapper Rule 2: "Yes", Winter rules apply. Although, while you have the right to see the ball in this league, it doesn't mean that you have the ability (Ron White reference) and may depend on your beer consumption.

7. After you sink your putt, you concede your opponent's one-footer for par to halve the hole, but he taps in anyway.

USGA: "Yes", In match play, this type of practice is OK.
Snapper Special Rule 2a, a/k/a "Fenner/Pettigrew Rule": "Depends", Any and all offers of "gimmee putt(s)" shall be considered mandatory at the sole discretion of the offeror who will always have the option of either enforcing the "gimmee acceptance" or withdrawing the offer if the offeree in fact strikes the ball (and misses).

8. Your partner's ball is on the green. He wants to clean it, so he puts his hat down to mark the ball's position. He picks the ball up and cleans it.

USGA: "Yes", You can use anything to mark the position of a ball.
Snapper Rule 1: "?" (would require a vote):, Especially if the hat was an over-sized sombrero, or if a ball retriever was used to mark the ball.

9. You're about to putt out for a bogey on a par 4, and you ask your match-play opponent how many strokes he has taken. He says "five," and he waits until you make the putt, then says, "No, I meant four," which is what he lies.

USGA: "No", He cannot give wrong information about his score.
Snapper Rule ?: "Yes" (no vote required. It is assumed one's opponent is a liar):,

10. Your opponent has an unplayable lie next to the green. She puts her wedge back in the bag and grabs her driver to determine the two club-lengths of relief.

USGA: "Yes", Any club can be used to determine the drop area.
Snapper Rule 1: "No", Because the question presumes that your opponent is a chick, and as we all know, THIS IS A MEN'S LEAGUE! While this is not a written rule, it is precedent, and Snapper has spoken.

Pictured Below Natalis "Bulbis" Gulbis shows the importance of staying limber in the off-season. Grab your club and stretch!!!

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As the story goes, a gentleman was installing an exhaust fan and ran across an old JC Penny magazine from 1977 while rooting around in his attic. Shang was evidently traversing the blogosphere and ran across this beauty and promptly emailed it to DaBlade.

According to the text associated with this photo...
"This all purpose jumpsuit is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery."

I don't think we should dismiss this wardrobe jewel from our past so quickly. In fact, I am making an official proposal that this smart jumpsuit be mandatory league attire for the upcoming 2008 season. We would have each embroidered with the "chattering teeth" emblem on the left pocket, with "Snappers Golf League" underneath. All I need is for Snapper (or Glacial Greg) to second this proposal on the guestbook and it will be officially added to the rules page. We may have to hire a seamstress to make special alterations for Timmy, but we can cost average this expense. What better way to show the world that The Snapper League members are a family? While I recognize there may be certain objections (the dry-cleaning bills could get a little tricky, for example), think about the positive benefits arising from this uniform. The numerous pockets on the front could provide ample storage for golf tees (Timmy?), cigars, and spare golf balls. And let's be honest, would the beer babes grant any attention what-so-ever to other leagues during play or on the post-round beer deck? I think not. All in favor?...
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If you're like me, you enjoy tapping your foot while whistling show tunes in an airport men’s restroom stall. While I was sitting there picking up discarded paper scraps (my dad taught me to always "police the area", leaving every place I go cleaner than it was before I got there) I got to thinking about the game of golf and how it reminded me of the story of Sisyphus. Sisyphus should not be confused with “syphilis,” although I did require a penicillin shot after this brainstorming session.

According to Greek Mythology, Sisyphus liked to mess with the gods (sort of like Joe Gilbert and the rest of the league members messing with The Carlson's law when we are absent). Anyways, Sisyphus tattled on Zeus, tricked Thanatos into trying on his chains, threatened Hades, and ultimately was sent to Tartarus by Ares. My personal favorite of his shenanigans is when he convinced Persephone, Queen of the Underworld, to allow him a "temporary" leave of absence back to the living so that he could discipline his wife. Of course, Sisyphus went AWOL and had to be dragged back by Hermes.

According to the Sisyphus post on Wikipedia...

As a punishment from the gods for his trickery, Sisyphus was compelled to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, but before he reached the top of the hill, the rock always escaped him and he had to begin again...an eternity of frustration.

A simple analogy would suggest that the huge rock symbolizes the golf ball. Imagine Sisyphus with an extreme uphill putt. The ball doesn't quite make the crest to the hole and rolls back down the slope off the green. There is no "double par plus one" max rule in Tartarus, and Sisyphus gets no "pick pick" offer from Zeus.

Of course, the analogy runs deeper and has more to do with our futile pursuit of the consistently perfect golf swing result. A golfer may occasionally maximize each and every shot on a particular hole, or may even shoot a great round and say, "this is an easy game". That golfer may feel real good about himself until the next hole or the next round, when he is consistently looking for his shot in knee high foldergarb. And the rock rolls down the hill again. We've all been there. Not even Tiger Woods can have the rock moved for him every time.

So if it is so frustrating, why do we golf? The following quote from the Wikpedia article says it best...

Albert Camus, in his 1942 essay The Myth of Sisyphus, sees Sisyphus as personifying the absurdity of human life, but concludes "one must imagine Sisyphus happy" as "The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart."

By the way. I advise you not to practice your golf swing in a men’s room stall. Especially if you have a wide stance!
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That's right. No scores, points, assholes, or beer babes from last week, as we were rained out. Actually, DaBlade was in the 4th group and managed to finish number 8 before the order to evacuate the course due to severe weather. Speaking of which, had it not been for the scrolling "SEVERE WEATHER" message along the bottom of the GPS display monitor, I never would have known that dangerous lightning was crashing all around us. How DO the other leagues live?

You may recall a Carlson vacation story from last year that involved a fierce battle between Snapper and a shark. I speculated at the time that had my eldest brother not already been attacked by a rabid Snapping Turtle, our league could have been named The Majestic Hammerheads. Well, he was at it again, based on his latest email vacation story. This one doesn't look like a baby Hammerhead to me. Hey! How about The Majestic Great Whites?

Snapper's Fish Story
As you know , when not hackin up a golf course I like to go fishing in the ocean. Having witnessed a monster 5 foot barracuda with 15,000 teeth come completely out of the water last year to take CMoney's entire (tail to head) 3 foot rainbow runner he was attempting to boat I have remarked "anyone who won't swim in the ocean because sharks live there has never seen a barracuda". However, I am rethinking my I leave them alone they leave me alone (probably) theory about swimming in the shark infested ocean. Why? Because I appear to be a "Shark Magnet".... Following up the 2006 Daytona Beach peer endeavor wherein several hammerheads were brought to shore against their will, Myrtle Beach 2007 found me once again minding my own business (almost) trying to catch red snapper, grouper, grunts, anything but what I got, you guessed it more sharks...(got three that day, threw em all back but who knows about that grudge thing you mentioned last year)......
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When I received these anonymous cries for help recently in the Snappers Guestbook, I broke down in tears. These readers were reaching out to me for help? Why? I haven't walked in these people's shoes! Am I capable of helping them? And then I remembered the uplifting and inspirational story of Detroit Lion's assistant coach, Joe Cullen. Cullen was able to help the Lions to a 3-13 record last year saddled with a defense ranked dead last, yet the only credentials he seemingly possessed in helping these football players over-achieve was that he had recently been arrested while driving nude. I thought to myself, "well who hasn't?", and just like Nathan Johnson in The Jerk, I knew I had found my special purpose!

I am reminded of a scene from the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire, when Tom Cruise makes a plea to his football player client (Cuba Gooding, Jr.): "Help me to help you!" And so, readers of this website, help me to help you by sending your advice requests via email to

Dear DaBlade,
I was practicing my chipping in the backyard the other day when I sliced the miniature plastic golf ball onto the roof. While I was retrieving it from the gutter, I spotted my teenage son through the window to his room. I couldn’t believe my eyes! He was strutting around the room with the back of his hands on his hips like Mick Jagger, dressed in his mother's underwear and high heel shoes, her bra fitting loosely on his wiry frame. A lit joint dangled from his lipstick smeared mouth and I caught a whiff of the unmistakeable pungent aroma of marijuana. To top it off, there was a pack of condoms under his bed next to a bottle of vodka, and there was pornography on his computer monitor. My son is only 16. My wife and I don't know what to do. Please, can you help us?
Signed, "Hurtin' in Burton"

Dear "Hurtin' in Burton",
The most common cause of the dreaded slice is an outside-in swing path. Most amatuer golfers exacerbate the problem by opening their stance at address. Solve this by dropping your right foot back. Another trick is imagining an invisible ball 3 or 4 inches in front of yours. Try to strike both balls and this should help you keep your club on the correct swing path. As for helping your wife, I suggest she take your son shopping. The loose fitting bra is likely just too big for the boy. Send me pictures of your wife's ample, naked and glorious bossoms and I could also suggest a correct number of socks your son could use as stuffing to tide him over.

       

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed, Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,
You have two very serious problems in your life that need to be addressed immediately.

First and foremost, you need to throw some puddy into that crack and let it set up for the night.

As for the flaw in the graphite shaft of your golf club, I suggest you take it back to the pro shop for a full refund.
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Congratulations Shang for posting a "34" actual, the low round of the night (and league history as far as I'm aware) by just one stroke, as super sub Hammering Oh Henry shot a "35". Has-been Wolf shot an impressive "37", good for only the third lowest score of the night!

It was that kind of night at the Majestic, as blue skies dominated directly overhead, refusing to yield to the ominous thunderheads that rumbled and circled each horizon. If 3 "sub 40" rounds on the same night doesn't convince you that something strange was in the air this night, consider this... DaBlade birdied (woo woo)! Also, there was no controversy that required me to phone Snapper to obtain a tie-breaking vote, who just happened to be golfing some Davis Love course in Myrtle Beach.

Saw Shang Redemption: (email from Snapper)
Anticipating an upcoming match with Shang, Naked Dave determined to prepare for the thing as best he could and from his best tee shirt created the matching war headbands for he and his partner. The boys were duly disappointed when they were told they misread the schedule and the Shang match in fact would not ocurr until next week. As you can see they were ready this week and psyched up in the gathering space.

Dave was heard mumbling something like, "hey joe...mo jo ....you win?? ...no no". Chris said the whole thing was an attempt to counteract Shang's asain powers. Alas next week Chris is on vacation.
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C-Money Cashes in on an *EAGLE
The first and only one carded by any Snapper this year
Snapper Bites
July 3, 2007

Chris “C-MONEY” Carlson steps up to the 535 yard (tee markers back position) par 5 seventh hole and crushes a drive with a slight draw up the right side coming to rest in the middle where I have never seen a ball land…call it 300 yds. Considers and immediately dismisses the safe play with a medium iron (apparently feeling it Baby) strokes a smooth 3 wood the remaining 235 (call it 239) yards as it bounces once on the green and stops leaving an 18 footer on a lightning fast slippery downhill lie….Takes more time than usual considering the possibility though still dubious result of actually holing the motha…Squats as if attempting to extract a particularly difficult load from his colon (his newfound can’t miss putting technique) …(claims he has always been able to see life more clearly from that position)…. hesitates….grunts… follows through smoothly….down…down…down the hill…down…down… slowing…slowing last roll…and.”IN”….EAGLE 3!!!!!!
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DaBlade's Blog
July 9, 2007

DISCLAIMER: This is not an an actual picture of the legendary Betsy (our ex-beer girl), but an artist's uncanny rendition. Betsy never acquiesced and granted me permission to use her actual likeness on this web site. She evidently questioned my motives, and became suspicious when presented with the release form. All we wanted was to pay homage to her for providing that "beacon of hope" when were most in need. Ahhhh!!! what a site to behold... Betsy in the cart filled with its golden cargo as she crests the hill on YOUR fairway. God bless America. and God bless YOU Betsy.

Congratulations Lori Lynn, as you are the very first Beer Babe to be so honored by the Snapper League. You win our undying gratitude and your photo will be displayed prominently on the front page of the Snapper website! (at least until I'm presented with a court order to remove)... I plan to make this a regular feature, although "Babe of the Week" might be a bit aggressive if the subjects prove a little shy and elusive. If that's the case, we always can bring back the artist's rendition (see inset).

I must admit, Mr. Tanner has an eye for talent as the Majestic Beer Babes are the most delicious collection of eye candy on one golf course that I have ever seen. Most importantly, they are responsive to our needs with uncanny accuracy! If a Labatts is requested, the beer babe will reach in and pull out a Labatts, not a Bud Light. Bank on it! She will do so with a smile and a giggle, and you will not care when you chunk the next shot 20 yards.

At the end of the day toward dusk, the beer babes gather down at the dock on Lake Walden, playfully wading and splashing each other to cool off. Their soaked and clinging attire drips in slow motion... OK, so I've never witnessed that last part, but who's to say?

The 19th Hole on WDFN:
During last week's post-round beer deck radio show, Timmy K. won the drawing. He became visibly animated after his name was called as the winner. He deflated somewhat when he realized he had won a "BLOW UP CHAIR" and not a "BLOW UP CHER". Speaking of the 19th hole, Clarence Black previewed this week's show, stating that the Beer Babes would be interviewed and "tell all" as to what they hear and have to put up with from those beer-bellied and rude drunks from those other leagues. I'm sure they will give the Snapper League a warm and breathy review (that is if they don't want to suffer negative income implications).

In the news elsewhere...
Neighbors of a golf course in New Jersey were outraged when they witnessed, then caught on camera these strippers giving golfers lap dances. This is not currently a service provided by the Majestic Beer Babes, though I plan on petitioning.
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WHO SHOT 39!?
By Snapper, Snapper News, June 25, 2007

Yet another beautiful day at the Old Majestic Golf Club. Only a slight cooling breeze prevented the course from breaking out the cold towel treatment we received again last week. How can you not believe in Algore’s Global Warming Theory??

The Snapper League blistered the front nine in response with a league average of 46.52 for the night. Compare this to the 48.21 league average for the season after 8 weeks (down 1.18 strokes from last year). Hmmm…….. I thought Global Warming was supposed to be a bad thing??? Oh sure, you might wish to notice this 46.52 includes 3 substitutes including some guy named Henry who posted a “2” handicap on his first league appearance with a natural “39”.

Speaking of “39” did old Snapper tell you what he shot last week??? Oh yeah, guess I did already. But it seems that “39” was the score of the night with Wolf, Shang, Snapper and Oh Henry doing It the hard way (actual) and Cowan and substitute Bill Roach putting it up as a net.

We are about to golf for the 9th time this week which will put us halfway through the season already. There are only 18 points separating first place from last place. Can’t ask for a better race than that so far, can ya?

There have been 277 pars and 32 birdies carded by Snappers already (no eagles yet). A third of the players have 20 or more pars and a third of the league with less than 10 pars and a third somewhere in between.

Attendance has been pretty good (way to go Markie Mark) but 4 out of 8 weeks we have still had one open paid for slot with no sub having been sent. You don’t have to take the “4 match point forfeit” which comes from this if you don’t want to. We have had 9 substitutes thus far. Established handicap substitutes Doyne Cason (contact Jerry) and Nate Dog (contact Naked Dave or CMoney) have not yet been asked to appear. Glacial Greg is gonna get his feelings hurt if somebody doesn’t miss him enough to invite him soon. Greg Groesser (contact Rick) has 4 rounds in and is willing to come out for any of youse guys.

CROWD FAVORITE SKIPPING BUICK OPEN!
June 25, 2007
By DaBlade, Snapper News

The announcement that this perennial favorite was not planning on attending this year's only Michigan PGA event left Warwick officials stunned and scrambling for options. No, I don't mean the announcement that Tiger Woods is skipping the tournament due to his wife giving birth to their presumably "wanted tissue mass". I'm talking about DaBlade's planned absense from patrolling the fairway ropes this year.

"I golf after work on Thursdays, so that's out, and I'm leaving on Friday morning for a wedding in Chicago (Hey, it's the bosses son). I won't return until Sunday night, so no Buick Open this year," DaBlade egocentrically quoted himself to this reporter.

Speaking of the Tiger announcement...
When told of Tiger's plans to skip golf so he could nurse his youngin, Larry Peck, Buick's marketing manager, was quoted as stating, "The complexion of the tournament will change when the No. 1 player is not in it." What!? The "complexion" will change? What's that supposed to mean? Didn't Don Imus get fired for less?? Where is the firestorm of accusations of latent prejudice? When will I quit asking rhetorical questions?
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June 20, 2007
Snapper Bites

Another warm, balmy night @ the old Majestic. As Jimmy Buffett says: "The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful!" (especially you Timmy).

We had a number of “firsts” this week. It was the first time this season for WDFN “THE FAN” radio to broadcast their live golf talk show from the pavilion deck with our own club pro Steve Tanner fielding questions and giving tips to improve your game. It all sounds so simple when he explains it but alas, Snappers are difficult to train as evidenced by the 19 year old scar Rick Carlson still sports on his right thumb.

It was also the first time this season Rick Carlson won money playing golf. Having accepted a gracious invitation from friend and Snapper sub Greg Groesser to substitute on his league the previous night at the Coyote Preserve up the road a bit, Rick noticed two things, that Greg was not really his old self and was struggling a bit and second that Greg (who we all know from our own adventures skins us alive with $$ on the line) was payin off everybody in the Preserve clubhouse…a buck here…2 bucks there…2 more over there. Well ole Snapper who has been havin his own troubles this year spoke up and mentioned to Greg that since he would be golfing with Wolf for Hollywood against Lil Snap & Naked on our league this week: “I’ll have some of that big guy…$5 smakaroonies straight up tomor….?? Snapper couldn’t even get the question finished before Greg said: “YOU’RE DOWN”. “45” looked pretty sweet to him as he rambled up to the deck until Rick showed him his own “44” (first score quite so low for him this year).

It was the first score of one over par “37” for the year. Way to go Wolf…3 birds…3 pars. He took my challenge after Verle’s no no and almost got to the magic “36”.

It was the first time Joe Gilbert got a greenie…wait a minute…no it wasn’t..IT WAS THE THIRD TIME. What’s up Joe??? Golf’s getting cheaper every week huh???? Congrats.

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Snapper Photo Quiz: (as requested by Sum)
June 14, 2007

Why is Naked Dave sporting inflated SpongeBob SquarePants water wings on each arm?
A) Because Wal Mart was sold out of Patrick the Starfish
B) He wants to protect his "guns" from harmful uv rays
C) They act as chick magnets to the Beer Girls
D) Naked was required to wear the water wings for the entire first hole as punishment for losing his footing and falling into Lake Walden the week before (as Mandated by President Snapper). Rumor has it that Dave may have let the air out of each wing for his drive, to which Snapper warned that he had chest high rubber waders (from the smelt dippin' days), a life vest (the bright orange neck rolls), and flippers at home if Dave thought the penalty too severe.

NAKED DAVE WATCH: Dave was on his best behavior and did nothing outlandish although Brad the Pontoon Boat Driver kept a wary and suspicious eye on him the entire trip across the lake as Dave sat quietly smiling back at him sporting his duck yellow water wings on each of his biceps not once informing Brad that the ensemble was his mandated punishment by the league and not a challenge to Brad.
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Gary Fulghamism Snapper Jeopardy
May 30, 2007
By Snapper, Snapper News

Let's play Snapper Jeopardy. I give you the Gary Fulghamism and you tell me when he says it. AS WE BID ADUEI…FAREWELL…GOODBYE OLD FRIEND…& HAPPY RATTLESNAKE GOLF IN ARIZONA TO ORIGINAL SNAPPER MEMBER GARY FULGHAM LET US REFLECT UPON HIS BELOVED GOLF VOCABULARY. ALWAYS SINCERELY HELPFUL, HE WOULD ALWAYS ATTEMPT TO REDIRECT AN OPPONENT’S ERRANT SHOT WHILE IN FLIGHT WITH WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
[Click here for theme music]

How many can you get right?; When Does Gary Say:

1 - Take a Breath!	2 – Rightitis!
3 – You’re in the Foldergarb!	4 – A Super Salad sounds wonderful!
5 – Ackmed!	6 – Whoa ball!
7 – Get some legs!	8 – Leftitis!
9 – Dave?...Bill?...	10 – Thank you but its not very long…
11 – What are you playing?...	12 – YOU MUST LEAVE NOW!!!!
13 – Playin em down?	14- I’ll have to check with the boss but thanks for asking.
5 - You wanna get a skin just as quick as you can with this group…	16 – If I could play one more round before I die it would be here!

17 – It’s a par 3, uphill…over water, sand on the left, green slopes back to front and a little to the left…I was just off on the right..chipped to 6 feet and parred it…

ANSWERS TO GARY FULGHAMISM quip QUIZ
1 – When the opponent’s ball is headed for water.
2 - When opponent’s ball is headed to the right.
3 – Headed for anything out of bounds.
4 – When asked by a cute little waitress at lunch the classic question: “Soup or Salad?”
5 – When you are in the sand.
6 – When you thin the ball and it has no chance of checking up.
7 - When you are at least 30 yards short.
8 – When you hook it ob left.
9 – Never did figure out who is who with the McKenzie Brothers.
10 – After you tell him over and over “Nice Shot”
11 – After he walks directly to your ball in the woods no matter how deep.
12 – After tornado damage to Treetops resort 5 or 6 years ago and the rest of us went out drinkin & Gary stayed behind to await instructions from the management. This note was attached to our condo door.
13 – He never stopped asking even though we always declined.
14 – Ever the gentleman, polite & sincere & respectful of his wife Sue.
15 - Exclaimed every time he was referred to as ‘Skinless” “what did you say Skinless?” Wanna beer Skinless?” etc. etc.
16 – Early in our golf adventures and stated about Schush Mountain
17 – After playin the course a single time 10 years prior & someone asked for example..”Gary, what was hole # 14 at Timbucktoo CC?” He would replay the entire round stroke by stroke in his mind and tell you the truth about the hole requested.
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Pictured: A leisurely boat ride across Lake Walden on our way back to the clubhouse side dock after the front nine at The Majestic.

Snapper Bites
May 22, 2007
By Snapper, Snapper News

Jason “Sorry Timmy I can’t play this year” Wolfenden showed up again and now has perfect attendance for the year. He walked confidently past the Leonard Syrup mobile upon arrival hanging his head, slightly cocked in the opposite direction of where Timmy was just finishing up his pre golf ritual (tying his shoes and carefully sticking 3 tees in his white three quarter length white tube socks). I don’t know if that was an apologetic half smile or a smirk on his lips when Timmy exclaimed; “ I see you Jason”.

5 absent with 4 subs this week………Gary played alone as Mark “the assassin” Blevins got his attendance record back down to 33%...a little closer to his overall Snapper league average...

Great shot Joe Gilbert on that just plain stupid long par 3 over water # 16.

Thank you very not Chris “Cmoney” Carlson and “Naked” Dave Mitteer for both paring the hole and cutting your Papa C “Snapper” & partner out the skin after they did it too.

Asshole of the day nominations were few and included:
“Team Wolfenden” for failure to offer a I foot gimmee putt to Joe Gilbert, nominated by Joe together with a number of other items of concern which occurred to Joe after he missed the motha : stroke miscalculations, undue distractions to opponents and various other Wolfish behaviors...

Greg Carlson nominated himself proudly showing that he was wearing his jammy bottoms under his pants on this nippy evening cause he couldn’t find his red back flapped long johns….. nice try at getting another golf ball brother but not this time...

Dave Lawless nominated Rick Carlson for bringing Greg Groesser as a ringer sub to play against “US OF ALL TEAMS”...

These nominations generated mere chuckles and no official vote was taken..therefore to maintain the integrity of this revered award once again, now for the third consecutive week in a row, no AOTD was awarded. NOTE: I respectfully suggest you pick it up Snappers and shake off the post winter malaise” (how bout that one Timmy?)and show your true colors.
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SCORECARD-GATE
May 12, 2007
By Snapper, Snapper News

Jason Wolfenden substituting for Steve Markunas (again) carded a sweet “40” actual and a “28” net and incidentally and more importantly to him, his playing partner (his dad) did not. Way to go JWolf!!! Unfortunately, No Golf Ball for you since you elected to play only when needed as a substitute this year rather than endure another year as Timmy K’s partner, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by TK who upon seeing you show up again last week exclaimed :
“Hey…I thought you said you couldn’t play this year??”

Snapper Bites:
Speaking of scorecards, I do wish to thank the Card Captain for the Wolfenden/Wolfenden vs. Cape/Lawless match. No corrections, additions or deletions were necessary and more importantly substitute Jason Wolfenden’s name was clearly written on the card next to his score. While this may seem a simple task, it is not one employed by all snappers.

Sure Scott. We see the resemblance! This brings to mind the asshole-of-the-day from August 7, 2003, when Gary mixed up Bill and Dave. I think we can safely assume that Gary can distinguish between his son and his son's father-in-law, but let's get back to the name tags just in case. (at least for that "what's-his-name's" sake)

For the second week in a row the scorecard of Team Cowan/Peltier required some additional work after the fact to properly log the results. As Snapper sat down to his desk early Friday morning to log scores and points and sundries (there’s a word for you TK…look it up) it occurred to him that the scores for team Micha Fulgham and Chad Ellis (Cowan/Peltier’s opponents) was suspect. After all, Snapper had personally spoken to substitute Gene Boegner prior to the round and was informed that he was subbing again this time for the Fulgham Ellis team. But there it was clearly posted on the card: “MICHA FULGHAM “47” … CHAD ELLIS “ 54”…

Call me curious… call me overly cautious but rather than take this information at face value and assume that these two individuals in fact golfed and posted those scores and Gene Boegner was dismissed to go home… I made a telephone call to Steve Peltier who informed me that Micha was not present as stated on the card and that it was all Cowan’s fault. He then proceeded to enumerate (there’s another one for you Timmy…look it up) the various faults he attributed to his partner which I will spare Scott the embarrassment of repeating. This is kind of unprecedented Scott. Yes we have had cards turned in with unknown substitutes first names or nicknames only, but never one with a score attributed to someone who was not even there.

Again speaking of scorecards, as Timmy Kachelski attempted to dominate the post golf meeting with some opinion or another Chris shut him up and left him hanging his head and giggling to himself by carefully spreading the 5 score cards on the table face down and asking a simple question: “Can anyone tell me which one of these cards belongs to Timmy?”

An uncontrollable fit of laughter engulfed the crowd as it seemed no one was unable to answer the question put so simply but eloquently by Chris who parenthetically (look it up TK) when introduced to TK for the first time at the age of 4 exclaimed “ Hiya Dirtball”.

There will be a Remedial scorecard keeping class offered soon for Scott and Timmy and any other Snapper in need of such counseling. We’re her to help....just ask us.

"One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong..."

        More scorecard controversy
DaBlade's email to Snapper: I hate to even bring my scorecard up for discussion (SAY IT CHRIS!), but I find it peculiar that my par total did not go up by exactly "one" for the obviously forgettable par on the first par 3 hole, as it was lost in a veritable (look it up Timmy) sea of 9s and 10s. I'm left to ponder if this was purposeful on your part as a "President's Perogative" as opposed to an oversight, as you have recently made it your personal mission to degrade, impune, and humiliate other league members for much more innocent scoring errors...

Snapper's response: Ouch!!! you connected right between the eyes...like an hispanic fighter I'm stumblin around my office with a stupid half smile on my face that is meant to say " I ain't hurt...you didn't hurt me...." Incidentally, you are correct, I had trouble seeing the 3 surrounded by the other somewhat larger numbers and by the way Guy gets another one too. same hole.
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And we're off!
May 5, 2007
By Snapper, Snapper News

Pictured: Gary Fulgham and super sub Gene Boeg

First: ATTENTION TIMMY KACHELSKI: Please report to gathering space and search for a guy named Larry Lambaria, he is your transient partner for the year.

The 2007 Snapper Golf Season kicked off in a very nontypical, mellow and docile manner. Slow to awaken from hibernating the unreasonably long and brutal Michigan winter, there was not only no AOTD winner but no nominations, rather only a few minor complaints:

Timmy Kachelski complained that the team numbering system did not appear random or arbitrary with the Carlsons numbering themselves teams 1 and 2 respectively... TK also complained that he did not know the meaning of several words and abbreviations used in the written rules (“hereinafter” and “i.e.” for example)...

Wolf complained about being asked to fill out Snapper’s contact information update form like everyone else since nothing had changed for him and Snapper should know that...

Dave Lawless complained that after teeing up Bill’s ball for him 30 yards deep in the woods resulting a successful punch out that Bill did not retrieve and return his tee to him when asked for it back two holes later...

Several follow up complaints ensued from various league members that Bill did not appreciate it was intended as a joke and actually hit the teed up ball...

Others openly doubted Bill’s sincerity in feigning ignorance of the existence of the tee… Wolf was again heard from, not really complaining but wondering aloud who else but Lawless would actually ask for the tee back in this situation...

Chris complained of not yet having full Carlson voting rights since he is in fact a Carlson and it should in his opinion be his birthright to go along with the surname, and arguing further that with Greg not here again this year Rick and Jerry could use his help in tie breaker situations; Jerry was persuaded by the logic and plea of his nephew and openly stated he was in favor of it and called the question putting it to a vote... Rick voted “no” and with no tie breaker in place the motion failed and the issue tabled for the time being...

Someone, Peltier I think, threatened to call Greg and inform him that Chris had gone after his voting rights to see if he would complain...

SIDE NOTE: 2006 League Champ Scott Cowan, after blistering his opponents, Cape and Lawless, by scoring “9” points against them and giving up only “13” points, proudly posted to the league website what might be construed as an early guaranty of a repeat as Champs, sheepishly telephoned Snapper and asked that his scorecard be re-checked since he was thinking about it hole by hole and not certain how he could have scored the “43” he posted. A review of his card shows he actually posted a “45” on the card he turned in and that should have correctly been a “46”. Don’t worry Scott, we always double check the math of this bunch with or without a request. Before you complain Bill, note that the same card posted a “46” (net “38”) for Dave which really was “44” (net “35”). No point totals were changed and there is no “2 stroke penalty” employed for turning in an erroneous scorecard although we might expect someone, Timmy K probably, to eventually point out that since our written rules begin : “USGA rules except as modified herein” and because we have no rule about this then the USGA penalty applies, therefore.. and so on and so forth…you get the picture…I ain’t buying it.

        More precious Snapper Golf League webspace used for DaBlade's shameless bragging about his boy... BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Valedictorian Smalidictorion! My son is a DEVIANT...
~ CousinWoofer
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Snapper Line-up Shake-up
April 17, 19, 2007

Here is my interpretation of Snapper's latest explanation of "Who's on first". Check back frequently for the latest in possible shake-up scenarios...

He Went to Paris Lyrics
sung to the tune made famous by Glacial Jimmy Buffet
Lyrics re-write by Glacial Greg

He went to Powers, lookin' for answers
And married a girl named Rehbein
They had a fine life, she was a good wife
Allowing him to golf most the time


But the warm summer breezes
Carried his ball thru the treeses
And put all his ambition at bay
Yet he kept right at it
He hacked it and whacked it
And several more years slipped away


Well the game took his pride
Watching his handicap slide
And left him with only one eye
Yet it offered an excuse
To escape the abuse
That his scoring so badly applied


While the tears were a-fallin' he was recallin'
Golf balls he never had found
So he hopped on a computer, tapped on the keyboard
And left his Glacial twin with a sigh


Through all of the years of perpetual slicing
He'll return soon but can now only say
Jerry, some of it's magic, some of it's tragic
But I had a great time all the same.

Thanks a lot Greg! Not so much for dumping me two weeks before league play, but for ruining a Buffett ballad meant to be solemn. This parrothead will never be able to listen to this song again without busting out in inappropriate laughter. Alas! The Glacial Twin reunion tour has been postponed for this year, but we expect to see Greg playing the role of "super sub" on occasion this year. As for DaBlade, you ask?

(from Greg's e-mail) ...It seems that Guy was himself considering bowing out this year due to a conflict with his wife golfing on a Thursday night league and their needing a sitter. So, he decided to put his name out there as a single-white-male golfer looking for a league at the same golf course as our league - only not on Thursdays. Guy said he was sheepish about it once he learned that there was going to be a league secretary's meeting and he knew his name was likely to come up for consideration. Anyway, Rick said that he was going to draft him back to the Snappers anyway! Since then, Guy has decided to work it out another way, but has been nervously eyeing the website for one of your character assassination write-ups. He will therefore return as your (one year only) partner. After that, he can pair with Kachelski since he gets canned by his partners on a yearly basis anyway.

I have nothing to add to this bro. This sequence of events stands on it's own merits. One question left unanswered though. Are the readers of this website left to assume that you have bowed out for the 2007 season and that Guy is back in because you have taken the job of the Metzger's "Au Pair" in charge of child care? In any case, just as a rising tide lifts all boats, so to it is true that a slow golfer slows the whole foresome. How will Guy respond to being referred to as "Glacial Guy"?
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PETA Protests Local Golf League
March 20, 2007
Reported by Chris Carlson (Disassociated Press)

With the Majestic Snapper Golf Season only a little over a month away, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has banned together to protest against the Majestic Snappers playing golf this year both collectively as a league and separately as individuals. They cite numerous examples of alleged “mistreatment of our animal brothers” many of which coming from the league’s own home on the internet (http://www.usol.com/~jcarlson/).

The league boasting around 20 members was originally named the Tyrone Twilighters in the mid 1980’s but was later renamed when President and one third of the unholy triumvirate Ricky Carlson tried to show other league members how to identify a snapping turtle by repeatedly poking the animal in the snout with a golf tee, inducing it to, ah snap, cutting Ricky’s thumb and forever renaming him “Snapper” and the league “the Snappers”.

Leader of PETA’s protest Sally Sealhugger has this to say about the Snappers, “This organization operates with blatant disregard for our animal friends not only do they poke and prod at animals, and play games such as closest to the woodchuck for a buck, but they are a major disruption to all animals everywhere they go. Every golf season they riddle the lakes, streams and ponds with golf balls disrupting the aquatic wildlife, and fire ball after ball into the trees disturbing and destroying the habitat of squirrels and other woodland creatures. The sheer number of these so-called “errant shots” leads me to believe that these men purposely target our animal friends.”

When asked about these allegations, Rick “Snapper” Carlson replied, “Under rule 10 we address these previous events and now discourage contact with the surrounding wildlife.” Although PETA may have a point with most of the wildlife, surprisingly “birds” and “eagles” are rarely if ever seen by the Snappers and are almost never within their grasp.
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Website back online (PART 2)
February 21, 2007

DaBlade's email bag...

Jerry, I'm sure you can use the first picture for something....Shang's refrigerator? The inside of Timmy's truck? The wet bar in Snapper's office? Cowan's trunk?
When do we start?
Steve

How about the new Cape and Lawless "toolbox"?
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