Snapper News!

2006 Snapper News Links:


Holiday songs from your favorite golf league! 
Off season exploits of 2 young Snappers 
Naked Dave passes the LSAT! 
Snapper croons new rule 
COWAN & PELTIER LEAGUE CHAMPS! 
WASHOUT FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS SEASON 
NEWSFLASH: WOLFENDEN CONCEDES THE 2006 SEASON! 
Sunglow Pier -Daytona Beach, Fla. 
Snappers get "Cold Towel" treatment! 
DaBlade makes surprise league appearance! 
Winged Foot's massacre of 2006? 
Lost your golf ball in the woods? 
Inconvenient Truth #1: Al Gore is an idiot! 
SNAPPERS, CAN'T YOU READ? 
Green Tee Controversy settled by Snapper Mandate: 
Golfing in outer space? 
The Da Blade Code (fun with league anagrams) 
WDFN to broadcast live? 
Naked Dave's date 
Sum and the Gipper! 


Holiday songs from your favorite golf league!
Just in time for Christmas!

You'll love singing along to the holiday classics like...

Cape shot a snowman (sung to the tune of Frosty)
Cape shot a snowman but was still a happy soul,
With 3 lost balls and a pleading pose
And a pick-pick 20 feet from the hole.
Cape shot a snowman, is a frequent story they say,
His scores weren't low but Lawless
Knows that he came to play Thursdays.
There must have been some Budweisers in
That old toolbox cooler they found
For when they waggled at the tee
They began to dance around.

You're sure to be tapping your feet to...

Timmy the tiny Snapper (sung to the tune of Rudolph)
You know DaBlade and Snapper
And Glacial Greg and C-Money,
Naked Dave and Nate Dog
And Hollywood and Wolf.
But do you recall
The most shortest Snapper of all?

Timmy the tiny golfer
Had a very vicious slice
And if you ever saw it
You would not think it nice
All of the other Snappers
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Timmy
Play in any Snapper games
Then one rainy Thursday eve
J-Wolf came to say
Hey syrup boy with the deficient height
Won't you guide my golf cart tonight?
Still none of the Snappers loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Timmy the tiny Snapper
Shorter than my wooden tee.

What Snapper wouldn't want to find their stocking stuffed with this CD containing the hit...

The Snapper Song (sung to the tune of Christmas Song)
Cigars smoking with a fragrant fire
Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan's or cold beer.
Green apple Pucker being passed for a wire...
And cart girls dressed up like wanton hoes
Everybody knows
A Scotty and his partner Shang
Won the 2006 season out-right..

Memories of the 2006 Snappers North trip will come "flooding back" with...

Let it rain (sung to the tune of Let it snow)
Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But the waffles are so delightful,
And since to golf would be insane,
Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain

Hurry and order now and get the bonus track...

My golf ball got run over by Steve Peltier (sung to the tune of Grandma got run over by a reindeer)

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Off season exploits of 2 young Snappers
MEMO: from Snapper
December 1, 2006

CMoney relates that Naked Dave and Nasty Nate a/k/a Nate Dog suffered a near miss last weekend in securing free lodging at the Wayne County Jail. Naked got his hands on some Red Wing tickets and invited his good buddy Chris along. Could not reach him in time so Nate Dog got the sloppy seconds invite. Pucks were flying...beer was flowing and a good time had by both until the game was over as was the post game festivities at Hockey Town Cafe and Dave and Nate, downed the last call drink and stumbled back to the parking garage to recover their ride and head for home.

Arriving at the entrance to the enclosed structure in which their vehicle was safely tucked away sometime after 2:30am, they noticed for the first time the sign attached to the door, to wit: "Open 8:00am to close". Whatever the hell "close" meant, it apparently was some time earlier then their post hockey game arrival. Doors were locked, employees were nowhere to be found and the gravity of the situation then apparent with them on the outside and their car on the inside until 8:00am.

Utilizing his advanced skills at critical thinking and problem solving Dave identified only the first solution available when he looked up and directly across the street at a Marriott hotel. Now Dave's no fool when it comes to finances. He knows the Marriott aint no Motel 6, but unlike the parking garage they had left the light on for him so off they went.

Checking into the Marriott and paying for a room for at most 5 hours did not seem economically feasible so he suggested to Nate that they check out the top floor for alternate sleeping arrangements. With no better plan of his own Nate Dog agreed and they both curled up to the ice and vending machines in the far corner of the highest floor and ostensibly furthest away from the front desk where they doubted with all hope and sincerity they would simply go unnoticed for 4-5 hours.

3:30am arrived all too soon with a shake of the shoulder and a uniformed man shining a flashlight in his eyes, to which Naked spoke the first words that came to mind: "No, no, big fella, my wake up call wasn't supposed to be until 8:00!" Unlike us reasonable folks who know Dave, the man was less than amused and Dave and Nate got up, brushed themselves off and explained their quandary and reasoning for being there throwing in the fact that insufficient currency was in their pocket to actually speak to the front desk. Parenthetically, please note that in law school next year Dave will learn that this bit of volunteered information actually established the final element in the criminal misdemeanor known as vagrancy.

However, the uniformed man apparently did enjoy a modicum of compassion or appreciation for the young Snappers as he identified for them the other alternative which had been there all along for people stranded in downtown Detroit at these hours and Dave and Nate thanked him and found their way over to Greektown casino where they parlayed their last few dollars into a windfall which paid for the hockey tickets, brewsky's and exorbitant overnight parking fee. As we say in the life of a Snapper, alls well that ends well. Chris by the way insists to me as he relates the story amid intermittently choked laughter that he would have directed Naked to the casino as the first choice had he in fact been there, no offense to Nate Dog.
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Who's your Snapper?
October 26, 2006

This week's kudos go to our very own David "Naked Dave" Mitteer, for successfully passing the LSAT (law school admission test).

Yes, this is the very same test that he took classes over half of the season last year on Thursday nights to prepare for (after prepaying his dues) and which caused him to miss the Snappers North 2006 (D day for test).

As we all know, what the Snapper League has been in desperate and dire need of is a second attorney, especially when it comes to the post-round AOTD quorum. Talk about "12 Angry Men!" Speaking of bad movie puns... instead of the Jimmy Stewart film "Mr. Smith goes to Washington," how about "Naked Dave goes to the Majestic." Just remember Dave, good lawyers are able to master the art of arbitration and compromise. In other words, "Can I have a little pic pic?"

Congratulations Dave!


Snapper croons new rule
September 22, 2006

For some reason I cannot explain I am reminded of Barry Manilow (I hate Barry Manilow) when he sang "I write the songs that make the whole world cry..." Well, "I write the rules that make the Snappers wise..."

Special Rule 7B a/k/a The CHAD ELLIS COMMON SENSE/COMMON COURTESY CLARIFICATION: Any league member or substitute, attempting and failing to comply with rule 7 by arriving after either the opposing team has completed the 1st hole or a golfer or group not on our league has teed off behind them, whichever is first to occur, shall immediately proceed to their rightful match, wheresoever it shall be found to be located on the course at the time. Such late golfer shall then attempt to negotiate a common courtesy/common sense respite from the rule with his opponents for the night, eg, #1 if on the 1st hole perhaps the nonleague members would allow you to play through and catch up, or eg #2 finishing the round from there and then should it appear daylight would allow, completing and scoring the missed hole(s) at the completion of the round for a full 9 hole score capable of being posting and handicapping. Caveat: Do not in the mistaken belief that it makes common sense agree to simply accept a "7-11" rule max out for the hole or holes missed as that would create for you an artificially high handicap for the weeks following. Caveat #2: Understand that any negotiation with a fellow Snapper league member to be successful ought to involve the mention of beer in some fashion. Should common courtesy and/or common sense not prevail or allow you to post a score for the evening representing 9 holes actually completed, then by all means continue to golf (after all you paid for the round and are entitled to it or so much as you are capable of actually attending) but understand that you are simply a pacer and your incomplete score will not count for point(s), average or handicap. The match will be scored as if you are not present under either rule 6 or rule 8 as the case may be.

Also, the sentence structure and wording of the un numbered rule regarding our schedule has always seemed a bit awkward and capable of multiple interpretations for the likes of Timmy K and such characters. I propose it be eliminated and replaced with the following and perhaps formatted with the next available rule number being #11. For consistency you may then enumerate the handicap explanation as rule #12 if you choose.

A full season 18 week schedule of pairings including two position rounds is prepared and disseminated at the start of the season. It shall be considered binding throughout the season. Rainouts (i.e, any week not completed by all matches by reason of nature, weather, Act of God or Act of War) have no affect whatsoever on the schedule the following week(s) with the exception of shortening the season and eliminating the appropriate number of scheduled matches at the end of the season. The schedule is what it is. Note: Should one or more groups fail to complete the entire 9 hole round for the evening due to a "Rain out", then all groups and matches (including those already completed or more rightly termed believed to have been completed) are void ab initio and are deemed rained out; no points, no scores, no handicaps, no AOTD's (although this last one about AOTD's is bound to be one day revised and amended I suspect.)
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COWAN & PELTIER LEAGUE CHAMPS!

In Scott's words after the final tally was checked: "We have now resumed our rightful position atop the League. Neither Scott nor Steve were quite so brazen until it was tallied. Coming into the night with a slim 5 point lead and no less than 7 other teams with a realistic chance of winning they waddled around the course wringing their hands and solemnly looked over Snapper's shoulder ensuring a correct calculation at the end. I am told by their opponents that one of them was suspected of wetting themselves from the pressure halfway thru the round but he wouldn't say which one. Way to go guys. You did it. And speaking of doing it... Wolf & Markunas didn't, tabbing another mere 5 points to their totals for the year even though Wolfie posted 2 birds and 3 pars for 39.

SNAPPER LEAGUE FINAL WEEK UPDATE Last night was the final week at the Majestic for the year. The pre-paid rainout/washout was designated a FUN NIGHT in which 4 man teams scrambled for a $20/man buy-in. Here are the results in order of finish:

Tm 1 & 3: Rick Carlson, Ron Richardson, Timmy Kachelski, Steve Nagy (sub) -4
Tm 9 & 8: Micha Fulgham, Chad Ellis, Jerry Carlson (sub) & Greg Carlson(sub) -4
Tm 2 & 6: Scott Cowan, Steve Peltier, Chris Carlson -3
Tm 10 & 4: Gary Fulgham, Mark Blevins, Les Helmkay, Bob Pruehs (sub) -3
Tm 5 & 7: Dave Wolfenden, Steve Markunas, Dave Lawless, Bill Cape -2

Tie breakers were determined hole by hole from hardest handicapped hole. 1st place received $35/man. 2nd place finishers won their entry fee of $20 back. Two skins were awarded for $65/team to Teams 5 & 7 and Teams 10 & 4. Rick Carlson and Bob Pruehs won the $15 greenies.

The real winner was Chris Carlson who paid his $20, failed to recover any of it, then longingly stared at the $50 Snapper was about to slip into his pocket and casually remarked before heading back to school in Kalamazoo (a 2 ½ hour drive) "Hope I have enough Gas to get home". Snapper made sure that he did. Great Fun Guys. See almost all of you on Sunday, September 10 at Bay Valley for the year end outing! For those of you taking the Limo Bus compliments of Joe Gilbert don't forget to bring a $20 bill to tip the driver and a drink of your choice to pass. It's kinda like a guys Pot Luck
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LAST WEEK WAS A WASHOUT FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS SEASON
Editorial by: Snapper August 31, 2006

No points; no skins, no greenies, no asshole. We all thought the Wolf/Markunas year long chant "3 Peet" "3 Peet" meant they intended to win the league again, when really it was apparently a mere foreboding of ill wind, rain & lightening to come..." 3-Peet... 3-Peet... redrum... REDRUM!!!!"

Snapper, normally calm, cool and collected, was visibly discombobulated as he entered the clubhouse amid a lightning shortened round where nobody finished. What to do? This had never in the 18 year history of the league had we endured a 3rd washout! Never in the history of the league had we been plagued with a washout on the last week or two of league play after pre-paying. Never had we been caused to extend play beyond the last Thursday before Labor Day. What to do? Reschedule the same pairings for next week? No, unfair to those doing well prior to being ordered off the course, not to mention against our rules directing us to the next pairing scheduled at the beginning of the year. But that was a position round. What the hell do you do with the make up week? Another position round? (Wolfenden liked that one as it would allow him an additional week to score points after his concession) Also, unfair as Wolf was in the process of being on the wrong end of a royal round house arse kickin by CMONEY and Naked and being to flustered to strike the ball. apparently something about his shirt (ask Chris for details).

(webmaster prerogative: insertion of super secret details from Snapper's email) You know how he talks in your backswing and tries to get in your head? I guess Chris had him in his pocket last week starting on the first tee when Wolf was addressing the ball asking him where in the hell his wife got that shirt and he couldn't believe nobody had said anything about it before him. Silence... concentration... Smack... dead nuts ob and then downhill from there with Chris chatterin at him. Wolf trying harder to show it did not bother him and failing the whole way around. Steve was chuckling later about how flustered Wolf was with Chris challenging him and then when wolf tried the same Chris hitting perfect shots and rubbin it in about how it didn't bother him he wasn't a baby. wish I had been there... that's my boy!!!

How about postponing position round, revising the schedule to add another new pairing? Besides being against the rules, remember we have a season long schedule passed out on week #1, it simply prolonged and confused the issue. The vote was to abide by our schedule with this week being our last and position round and making the following week some kind of no point fun night.

WEEKLY CONTROVERSY:
Haven't you been listening ? see above. Other controversies were avoided with the washout though. Imagine the problem had 4 of 5 groups actually finished and wanted their points. Our unwritten rule is that if one group fails to finish then everyone is washed out. Perhaps we should write that down. Secondly, me thinks a clarification of our forfeit time rule should be re-written and it will be. I may even decide to name the re-write (partial clarification) after CHAD ELLIS as a special sub-rule we from time to time honor Snappers with when they make us.

But first, the initial reason for the re-write. Our rule calls a forfeit time at after the last group in the league has teed off. The reason is clear. We can't wait for you forever and once we are gone people may tee off behind us. Showing up late and posting less than 9 holes of scores does not allow us to properly score your round and handicap fairly for the rest of us so by all means come late, but pace only without counting your score. Now there is precedent for common courtesy and common sense prevailing with a voluntary respite from the rule when the league has teed off and gone (a technical forfeit) but the late arriver can still tee off and catch up before anyone else has started behind us. This generally has occurred in the past on the 1st hole. I even recall such courtesy being extended allowing someone missing the first 2 holes, playing 3-9 then being allowed to play 1 & 2 at the end of the round to post the score.

Well, Naked Dave showed up on the 1st hole with his partner, & opponents Wolf & Steve in the middle of the fairway and nobody having started behind the league. Never one to think common sense or common courtesy first, and not being able to recall the rule, Wolf suggested Naked simply post a double par + 1 maxout for the hole. Chris respectfully disagreed and ordered Dave to the tee to catch up which he did. This would technically have required Wolf's agreement had we had no washout, causing me to consider injecting the common sense and common courtesy allowance which is the spirit & precedent of the rule into written proclamation.

Special Rule 7B, The Chad Ellis Courtesy Prerogative?
Chad is perennially late as everyone knows with difficult work and driving concerns but he always shows up (almost). He may be seen every third week standing alone at the dock waiving frantically to the last boat as it churns mid lake towards #10 but he always shows up (almost). Well this week when Chris & Wolf were negotiating the Naked Dave fiasco on #10, no Chad was in sight. Then we all played #11...still no Chad. #12? No Chad...#13 maybe...Hell No.. By hole # 14 we all knew Chad didn't come right? A reasonable assumption. Then came #15. Suddenly appearing from nowhere, there was Chad at the #15 green asking Snapper: "where am I golfing?" After sending him up the #15 fairway in search of the # 14 green, then fairway etc before he finally found Micha and in fact golfed the one hole allowed before the lightening shortened round, Snapper wondered and realized where he came from. Even Chad knew a boat ride was out of the question this late and determined in the style of infamous simpleton former baseball personality "wrong way" Jimmy Piersall who rounded the bases 3rd to 2nd to 1st after a homer once, Chad determined to look for Micha first on 18 then 17 then 16 then 15 where he found him. What we were supposed to do with his score in his mind I don't know but way to go Chad. You paid for the round and you are entitled to it (or so much of it as you can actually attend) even if you are counted only as a pacer. But again, thought I might write the rule down specifically and if you don't mind name it after ya big fella.
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NEWSFLASH: WOLFENDEN CONCEDES THE 2006 SEASON!
Editorial by: Snapper August 19, 2006

Four times he said the words out loud: "We can't win, we concede." The rest of us were rather tiring of the weekly warpath shout heard to emanate each night from the Wolf & Markunas cart "3 PEET, 3 PEET, 3 PEET", but with 2 weeks left and 22 points per night at risk in each of them, mathematically speaking the UN AL GORE Like early concession is somewhat bewildering. We appreciate that no recount will be requested but query fellow Snappers: If they somehow pull out an unlikely 2006 league victory, do they still get it? Or should they be compelled to live with their concession?

THIS WEEK: Is moving day in golf ling, like Saturday in a big tournament. With next week being the final round and a position round, do what you can tonight to get to the position you want to be in for next week. It is still pretty tight with COWAN/PELTIER going off at 5-2 odds.

MISCELLANEOUS NOTES:
Still stinging from the previous weeks embarrassment of showering himself with confetti from his hat, Snapper sported a visor this week so someone else's hat would be used in the skins draw.


DANGER WILL ROBINSON!...DANGER... There will be no, I repeat, zero CARLSONS at league next week!
Vacation message by: Snapper
July 27, 2006

"MOTHER, MOTHER OCEAN...I hear your call..." these Jimmy Buffet lyrics from "A Pirate Looks At 40" come to mind as Snapper, DaBlade, Glacial and Little Snapper Carlson were drawn to the beach...Daytona Beach next week, 8/3. Enjoy your golf, try to get along... disputes and controversies will be resolved retroactively next week as there are no voting rights proxy's given or loaned. Thank you to Hollywood and Wolf for agreeing to pass out the blank scorecards and weekly sheets and proximity markers and collect the completed cards, collect and pay off greenies and skins, if any, conduct the post game meeting and report the winners. Feel free if you wish to bother me/us by cellphone if you wish but depending upon the amount of Coronas, Margaritas and miscellaneous libations consumed, we may or may not take your call. See ya in two weeks!!! Snapper.

Sunglow Pier -Daytona Beach, Fla.
Fish story by: DaBlade August 8, 2006

"You have to drink your morning coffee somewhere" [Snapper]
Rick "Snapper" Carlson walked purposefully down the Sunglow Pier carrying his fishing pole, his 7-11 coffee and wearing a small fanny pack around his waist. We were following a couple walking ahead of us that were pushing a wheel barrel chock-full of lures, line, sinkers, and other assorted fishing gear. I looked at the wheel barrel... then at the fanny pack. Snapper claimed that his fanny pack had all the tackle and fishing gear we would need, and I was sure that what he meant by this was that he had zero expectations of actually catching anything. This was fine by me because, as Snapper stated, you have to drink your coffee somewhere.

Chumming the waters
Cousin Jim Walker was "fishing" with Snapper's other pole. Actually, a more descriptive phrase for what Jimmy was doing would be "chumming the waters." He would bait the hook from the $6 bag of frozen shrimp in such a way that catapulted it in the opposite direction from the hook upon the cast. Jimmy quickly earned the nickname "Chumley", for his generous feeding of the fish.

The Majestic...Hammerheads???
I was sure that Snapper was simply snagged on the dock until he pulled a "not quite full-grown" hammerhead shark out of the water. The shark was twisting and turning on the line, with it's tiny but formidable teeth gnashing in search of human flesh. I had a Jaws movie flashback, hearing the voice of the salty sailor,Quint, in my head: "The thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes after you, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites you, and those black eyes roll over white..." I was snapped back to reality when Snapper excitedly ordered, "Quick! get my forceps from the fanny pack!" (remember the fanny pack?) I found the long surgical forceps underneath the kevlar gloves. This fanny pack reminded me of a circus clown car, for as I removed this tool, the bag seemed to magically be more full than it was before! It quite literally had everything that was needed to land this beast from the sea. I snickered to myself thinking about the couple with the wheel barrel full of extraneous supplies and no shark to show for it. I handed over the forceps to Snapper, refusing his order to de-hook this killer myself. [another Jaws flashback... "I'm not gonna stand here and see that thing cut open and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock."] Using the forceps, Snapper released the beast to the deep. Who knows? We may meet again.

Snapper called Timmy K. a short time later. "I'm sure glad you were not here today Timmy," Snapper stated. "Why?," asked Timmy. "Because nobody asked me how I knew it was a shark!," said Snapper.
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Snappers get "Cold Towel" treatment!
Snapper Bites by: Snapper
July 13, 2006

MUCHOS KUDOS to the Majestic Staff for the "cold towel" thing. Great customer service and an innovative touch. With the temperature soaring above 90 F and humidity of 250% along comes a staff courtesy car with a big bucket of ice water filled with hand towels and the driver using his most courteous butler like voice asking each league member: "Cold Towel Sir?" Never seen it before anywhere, doubt I will again. Snappers were ecstatically grateful and seen teeing off for multiple holes thereafter with dripping hand towels hanging from their heads. Everyone seemed satisfied and refreshed except one. Glacial Greg appeared noticeably disturbed when within 2 holes thereafter his anticipated follow up offers of "Rub down Sir?"..."BJ perhaps?" never materialized. "What kind of place is this?," he scowled.
DaBlade's reaction: Finally! The Snapper league is getting the star treatment it deserves! Cold towels on hot days! Is it just a coincidence this happens on the week when The Glacial Twins make a guest appearance? Now we know how Ryan Stiles, the tall and lanky comedian best known from Drew Carey's "Whose Line is it anyway?," must feel in that Progressive Insurance commercial. In the ad, Stiles credits his celebrity status when the electronic door at the airport terminal opens automatically, and once on the plane he gets a second bag of peanuts. That's right,"A second bag!" My response to all of this star treatment was much like Stiles reaction to his. After tipping the kind gent for the cold towel, I rhetorically asked, "How DO the other leagues live?" The towel butler responded by stating that he was providing the cold towel service for ALL of the leagues. To his credit, his poker-face did not betray this obvious falsehood. I gave him a knowing wink and a nod. "Sure you do," I smiled.

WEEKLY SNAPPER BITES:
What happened to the golf this week? With over half of the Snappers carding above 50 and a League average for the week of 50.5 strokes, Wolf still shot 39 and Shang & DaBlade 42s. (DaBlade says, "respect the game and it will respect you back".)

Congrats to Cowan/Peltier & Fulgham/Ellis who each put a 19 point arse whoopin on their opponents.

HEY, where was WDFN the fan?

Great turn-out at Buffalo Wild Wings on the way home too. Where usually there are maybe 4 Snappers grabbin a last couple of 22 ouncers and some hot wings (What more do a man need, right Sara?) we had what 12-13? Great fun.

WEEKLY CONTROVERSY:
Who else??? Timmy K pipes up when established substitute golfers Greg & Jerry Carlson blow everyone out of the water on the 5 week carry over skins pot. "Subs can't win!," he says. Forgetting that the last skins pot winner was a carry over pot taken down by Steve Hollywood Markunas and non established sub Greg Groesser when Greg carried Steve and his double bogie to victory on a lucky draw, Steve supports Timmy: "That's right, subs can't win" he says. Snapper reminded him of the Groesser fleecing of the league and Steve retorts: "Two subs can't win, just one sub can win!" "That's right!" Timmy agrees. Snapper points out that Timmy of all people should know that while that might be a very good rule, it isn't passed yet and cannot be enforced any more than wearing of the asshole turtle hat. Greg feels bad and agrees to settle the matter with a vote. The votes were tallied amid catcalls and jeers but the final tally was 3 of 3 Carlsons (1 more than necessary) that established subs could win that night.
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DaBlade makes surprise league appearance!
Yes, it was a slow news day
WeBlog by: DaBlade
July 8, 2006

Everything was just like I had left it. Well, not everything. The Snappers did move the league from Sugarbush to The Majestic after all. Still, it was deja vu all over again . I arrived half an hour early, and there were Dave and Bill drinking beer on the deck. I joined them for a pre-round libation. Greetings and insults were exchanged with arriving league members and there wasn't a wet eye on the beer deck. I was subbing for Naked Dave (thanks Dave) and playing with my nephew Chris (a/k/a "Li'l Snap", "C-Money", "Dirty Carl"). Before you know it, it was time to golf. Golf carts jockeyed for position at the first tee and we were under way. I didn't play particularly well, but Chris promised uncle DaBlade the nod again for next week anyways. Hopefully, I'll at least get that boat ride I keep hearing about. I'll leave the fishing pole in the bag as my 14th club just in case. I just hope the crawlers make it until next week.

What? No asshole?
Maybe. Maybe not. It all depends on Snappers interpretation of the pre and post round banter that surrounded the new decree stipulating that the turtle hat be worn by the previous week's AOTD award winner. Timmy K. refused to wear the hat when offered, stating that the decree wasn't in effect last week, and that the tradition would begin with the eventual winner for this week. Timmy's persistent refusal to wear the turtle hat may just qualify. What say you Snapper?

In Timmy's defense, he may have thought that the hat would cramp his style and hurt his chances scoring this photo opp. with Bartender Heidi. As we know, Timmy is an Ohio State fan and unabashed University of Michigan hater. Why then did Timmy pose with Heidi, who proudly sported the blue hat with the maize block M? Is it possible that Timmy has converted? No. I'll give you TWO good reasons. His gaze never made it up that high the whole night.
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Winged Foot's massacre of 2006?
June 19, 2006

When Johnny Miller dismantled the Oakmont Country Club with a blistering final-round 63 to walk away with the 1973 U.S. Open, the USGA responded. Not wanting the tournament venue to be the "Tina Turner" to the player's "Ike," course modifications were in order. The next year at Winged Foot, golfers were met with 6 to 16 inch deep rough that was so wild and tangled, it resembled Ian Poulter's hairdo. The hard and fast greens were more confusing that year than Kenneth Ferrie's choice of pants this year. If it was the USGA's goal to humble the players in the 1974 U.S. Open at Winged Foot, they were successful, as Hale Irwin's 7-over-par 287 was the best of the field.

Fast forward to the 2006 version at Winged Foot Golf Club. Talk about a wild finish! All Phil Mickelson had to do was par the final hole to win the Open outright. Instead, his drive screamed hard left, bouncing off the top of the hospitality circus tent. His next shot hit a tree and his third buried in a greenside trap. The resulting double bogey was enough to pry the trophy from Phil's hands. However, Phil should hold his chin up and stick out his doughie man-boob chest, as he wasn't the only pro to succumb to the pitfalls on the 18th hole. Montgomerie (you say 'Colin,' I say 'Colon') also doubled the final hole. Jim "big Bird" Furyk made bogey to ruin his chances. The only golfer not to suffer a humiliating collapse was the eventual winner, Geoff "Ovaltine" Ogilvy, chipping in to save par on the 17th hole and a gravity defying up-and-down to save par again on the 18th hole. Ogilvy finished with a 5-over-par 285.

My only question is, was Ogilvy's par-par finish sufficiently embarrassing to the USGA to provoke a "Miller" type response? I'm not sure how much more they can trick up the Open courses. One way I suppose, would be the installation of sniper towers along the final fairway. (Mickelson seems to avoid fairways at all costs, so this might actual benefit him). In response, old WWII land mines could be placed sporadically in the woods and along side the hospitality tent. Retractable tire spike strips could be installed on the last green. Poisonous scorpions stocking the bunkers. These are just a few of the suggested "improvements" being bandied about for next year's Open. After all, having a score as low as a par on the 18th demands a response.
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Lost your golf ball in the woods?
Careful. You don't know what you'll find in there!
blog by: DaBlade
June 7, 2006

Did any of you catch the story out of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, about the group of high school students who stumbled upon a real dead body at what was supposed to be a fake crime scene set up by their teacher, Sue Messenger? Evidently, Sue has been creating these mock crime scenarios for her students for the past 20 years, long before David Caruso and his wind-blown hair rode atop the air boat to the screaming remix of The Who's 'Won't Get Fooled again' in the open credit sequence of CSI: Miami.

First of all, what a cool class! I never had an option like this when I was in high school. Nope. Mostly just English, math, and science. However, if this country wants to compete with the rest of the world in the future, what we need is an over abundance of homicide detectives. But I digress.

The reason I'm telling you all of this is because this story reminded me of a similar Snapper story from the asshole archives of June 10, 1992. After holding up league play while looking for a lost ball in the woods, Bill Cape finally gives up and throws down a replacement ball at the edge of the tree line, only to see it bounce off the top of his original ball, earning Cape a "funny asshole" award that night.

See the similarities in the "corpse in the woods" story? I re-read it several times, and it's still unclear to me if the teacher actually laid the fake paper skeleton on top of the decaying homeless man. Wouldn't that be a hoot?! It was reported that the homeless man "apparently" died of natural causes. I'm not buying this. It seems a little to convenient to me. If I was investigating, I'd take a longer look at this teacher chick.

Here is how I see it... This broad is doing this class for 20 years and gets a little bored, so she drugs and kills this homeless dude and drags his body into the woods and builds her fake crime scene around it. At least this would make a good CSI episode. Now that I think about it, Cape's story seems a little convenient. Maybe we should re-open this Cape investigation and once he is found guilty - add the penalty stroke to his score this year (as the Who's Roger Daltrey screams, "YAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!")


Inconvenient Truth #1: Al Gore is an idiot!
Global warming could lead to a golfing boom in the Arctic
Movie Review by: DaBlade
June 2, 2006

Algore, the stiff human mannequin, has taken his global warming "slide show" propaganda piece to the silver screen. In it, Gore warns of impending natural catastrophes caused by none other than man-made Florida voting machines. OK, I made that last part up. What I meant to say was that Gore blames global warming on man-made pollutants spewed into the environment... pollutants like "hanging chads".

Actually, there is no mention of a recent scientific discovery that one of the largest methane producing sources, just behind flatulating cattle and Gore speak (sorry for the redundancy), are actually plants! Or that the Arctic region was once a rain forest (BEFORE Bush was president). Or that solar cycles have anything to do with the matter of global warming. There is more hot air coming out of this guy than the exhaust of all the planes this guy flies around in to warn us. What a hypocrite. I bet the Earth's temperature would go down a degree or two if he just would keep his pie hole shut, practiced what he preached by getting around in a rickshaw pulled by Tipper.

At least the guy cleaned himself up a bit to make this drivel. He was beginning to resemble the Unabomber when he had the unkempt scraggly beard during his flannel wearing stage. Also, to Gores credit, he did not use video of any double-amputee Iraq-war vets out of context to try and make his points. That is Michael Moore's area of expertise.

I love liberals. Seriously. If for no other reason than they inspire my curiosity on how these mind-numbingly ignorant individuals can even dress or feed themselves. My favorite movie review comes from the liver-lipped Roger Ebert. In the opening paragraph, Ebert admits that he is a liberal, but he had no intention of his "review reflecting any kind of politics." Right, Roger. He concludes his review with this tripe... "I did a funny thing when I came home after seeing 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I went around the house turning off the lights." Funny indeed. [Ebert's review].

For a more cerebral review of this movie, check out [GORE'S HOT AIR], by the New York Post's Kyle Smith. If only Gore had been elected president, I'm sure he could have taxed us out of this doomsday scenario. I may rent this video for its unintended comedic value when it becomes available. Nah! I'd rather go golfing.


WEEK # 4 A WASHOUT!
Forget the "8's"; Forget the "9's"; forget the pars too; they don't count.
Editorial by: Snapper
May 25, 2006

As the Snapper League arrived at the course for weekly play, the forecast called for heavy thunderstorms and a tornado watch of all things. Of course everyone asked Snapper feebly: "What do we do? Are we gonna play?" "Hell yeah" he retorted. " You don't see any of the rest of the leagues hesitating or bellyaching do ya?; look at em; they're all sucking on a brewsky in one hand and limbering up to tee off with the other!" And off we went. It never occurred to Snapper or the rest that we were the only league teeing off on the front 9 which, unlike 10-18 or 19-27, took us not closer to the safety of the clubhouse with each shot played, but alas, further, and further away. As the Snappers were spread out over hole number 4-6, and now happily inebriated and well into the spirit of the game, the First notice came from the clubhouse and flashed across the GPS screen in every golf cart thusly: " CAUTION: SEVERE STORMS WITH STRONG WINDS EXPECTED WITHIN 30 MINUTES!" Well needless to say, the Lemmings (I mean Snappers) were understandably confused. "What does it all mean?" Said one. "What are we supposed to do now?" answered another. It is confusing; it doesn't say: "GET THE HELL OFF THE COURSE SNAPPERS" And then they all remembered that Snapper himself had mandated that they commence play, and after all the GPS message was not really a mandate or even a warning, it was after all a caution, or a simple suggestion to be watchful if you will. Even the more seasoned and careful Snappers such as Gary( who knew immediately that there was no shelter ahead of, for cryin out loud, we take a boat ride back from where we were heading) could not turn the herd. 22 minutes after the first GPS message, a cart full of course rangers came speeding through hole by hole looking incredulously at the Snapper league and giving them, finally the command they had insisted upon: "GET THE HELL OFF THE COURSE SNAPPERS, CAN'T YOU READ?". Now spread out over holes 5-7 it was a considerable distance to negotiate back to the clubhouse in a somewhat harried state with trees bending and skies well blackened. All returned safely with only the last two actually wet whereafter stories and explanations were enjoyed by all over a few more cocktails.

Then of course the controversy... the ever present Snapper controversy. Substitute golfer Mark M. inquired about his 4 ½ ft greenie on the first par 3. "The round was a wash, the greenies were a wash and all money collected would be carried over!" Snapper authoritatively bellowed in such a manner as to make all Snappers but one (Dave Lawless) cower. "Why the smirk Dave", someone asked. Dave said that if the round was a wash, the scores were a wash and the greenies were a wash, that must mean the AOTD is a wash also. HMmmmm... I guess he is right but I wouldn't want to make it a rule. What shenanigans might we expect from Naked Dave or Bill Cape at the first sight of a rain cloud next time?

Mr. Lawless probably did not deserve the award for his behavior anyway but was understandably snakebit from undeservedly (according to him) winning the previous week. It wasn't his fault. After all the electricity in the heavy air must have affected him as many Snappers with the impending storm. Dave (infamous member of the notorious "pick-pick" McKenzie brothers who routinely gives generous 10 ft puts for gimmees without batting an eye, and carrying not "2 hoots and a holler for points" refused the point blank specific request of Guy (who never asks nobody for nothing) for a 3 footer for double bogey and then, rumor has it, appeared less than genuinely chagrined when Guy never came close. Timmy K. was heard to exclaim the only time he took his eyes off Heidi "Jugs" barkeeper all evening: "That's right, I hate gimmees, nobody ever tells me to pick up my drive and drop it down about 275 yards in the middle of the fairway. I gotta beat you all with putts, and this year, I will! I will beat you all with putts!; I'll beat you all I say!"
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Green Tee Controversy settled by Snapper Mandate:
Snapper Bites by: Snapper

Snapper was proud to have ordered and purchased new Snapper tees this year for the use & enjoyment of league members. Since they are Snapper tees & he is Snapper & they are for the Snapper League & Snapping turtles are in fact green the logical color, to wit: green, was selected. In a compromise with Hollywood Steve who now has difficulty getting the ball over 9 feet in the air, a little longer than standard issue tee was selected, to wit: 2 7/8 inches. Steve now complains they are not 3.5 inches or taller and Little Timmy K vociferously points out that it was criminally stupid to have purchased tees the same color as the grass on the tee from which he has lost by his count 25% of the tees for being unable to see them after arcing his drives high, short & to the left but still assuming the tee simply falls or flies straight away a couple of feet.

After considering using league funds to repaint the tees to accommodate him, Snapper decided to dip into his own pocket and give to Timmy K & him only, sufficient "Ricky A Carlson, Atty" tees, black in color to shut him the F@K up. Mathematical calculations show that 18 weeks of Snapper golf for Timmy @ 9 holes each requires a total of 162 tee shots. However by his very complaints he believes 25% loss to be unreasonably high and he should recover many more than that. A 75% tee recovery rate shows that he does not require 162 tees for the season as even with the green tees he finds 121.5 of them. That leaves 40.5 unaccounted for. With black tees I have given him his recovery rate should be much higher according to him. I will assume a 10% broken tee ratio. That means 90% of the 162 black tees (i.e., 145.8) required for the season will remain unbroken and found. That will leave 16.2 black tees unaccounted for.

Snapper therefore generously has given Timmy K 18 Black tees for his use and enjoyment for the 2006 season and expects him to in exchange "shut the hell up". As for Steve, they just don't make em big enough for you to get under the ball. Nothing we can do, sorry!

Special Rule 4(a) a/k/a The Majestic Rule:

Don't'Play White tees; Don't' Play White Tee Markers. Play Blue Tee Markers. At several hundred yards shorter from the blues than the Sugarbush whites, this rule, 1st mandated by Snapper for week 1 @ the Majestic for which he was voted AOTD was then adopted by the same quorem as a good idea.

2006 Substitute Golfer Thoughts:

Jerry Carlson is reluctantly on 1 year partial deferred sabbatical from the league. Having kept the books over the years he knows on any given week we are likely to have a paid for league spot unfilled by absenteeism with no sub. He is available. He expects to be invited to sub. He and I are considering a 2 out of 3 Carlson mandate (yes his voting rights remain intact when necessary to keep you yahoos in line) that the first time a substitute shows up and Jerry has not first been offered and rejected the spot, the guy will not be allowed to tee off. What you think????
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Golfing in outer space?
...To boldly go where no (Snapper) has gone before!"
March 25, 2006

Golf enthusiasts have no doubt heard about, and read numerous blog posts on this: A spacewalking Russian cosmonaut plans to hit a golf shot outside the International Space Station this summer as part of a publicity campaign that already has raised safety concerns. No? Then click the gigantic link that was the last sentence and come back here. We'll wait. Back? Good.

I love the "anchored to the tee box in a cumbersome spacesuit" part. It reminds me of bundling up for Michigan May golf on the treeless and prairie-like tee boxes on Copper Ridge. Pavel may need to take care not to hook his shot into the outpost, but try not hooking a shot into the Copper Ridge condos with a cold 40-mph cross breeze! Give me the airless vacuum embrace of space over these miserable spring conditions any day!

Surprisingly, no Snapper league members have been contacted to complete the foresome. It's just as well, since the drives are expected to remain in orbit for 3 to 4 years, and that is just way too long to wait for the "closest to the North Pole" greenie payoff. Besides, until they figure out how to get a beer cart girl up there first, they can forget about it!

Other dangers...
All of the attention as to the dangers of this stunt relate to the chances of the ball hitting the space station. I mean, you have to figure the Russian dude is going to be sauced on vodka, so the concerns are well founded. But what if Pavel hits the sweet spot, and this ball is launched outside the pull of Earth's gravity, whereby it travels to another galaxy inhabited by an alien race of living machines? And what if these aliens misinterpret the dimples on the ball to be instructions from their God to "learn all that is learnable" and return that information to its creator. Imagine if this ball returned to Earth transformed into a malevolent sentient creature called "Tit'lis" with programming to remove the breasts of all beer girls!

OK, I admit to you Trekkies that this is pretty much the exact same plot line stole from Star Trek: The Motion Picture. But if it can be imagined, it can be done. This can not be allowed to happen! If you agree, please sign my online petition to stop Pavel in his tracks! Save the breasts of beer girls everywhere! As Mr. Spock once stated in Wrath of Khan, "The good of the many (boobs) outweighs the good of the few!"
Sign the "Save a Breast" petition here
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More fun with anagrams
February 8, 2006

You've heard of The Da Vinci Code, by best selling author Dan Brown, and soon to be a major motion picture by Ron Howard. I haven't read it, but as I understand it, the plot line involves mysterious clues hidden in Da Vinci's paintings. Probably the first "Where's Waldo," I'm guessing.

You may not have heard that this author is secretly working (in concert with me) on the sequel. It is sure to be a block buster on this web site, with an anticipated audience of well over a dozen people! Gentlemen, it is time for a sneak preview of... "The Da Blade Code."

Nostradamus, the famous 16th century rambling French guy, indirectly predicts the birth of The Snapper Golf League when he prophesized, "Par la puissance des trois Roys temporels, or "The power of three temporal kings," which is an obvious reference to the Carlson brother's league monarchy. There are many more examples in Nostradamus' scribblings that can be referencing nothing other than our beloved golf league. (I'm not sure how "Hister" figures into this, but he is possibly a future league member).

Speaking of secret codes...
Did you know that anagrams of words or phrases can provide deeper hidden meaning and insight into the words or phrases from which they came? It's true! I have studied this phenomenon most of my adult life, if not the better part of this morning. What I am about to reveal to you with anagrams of the phrase "SNAPPERS GOLF LEAGUE" will shock you! Buckle up...

"ENGAGE A FURLESS PLOP": This one defies explanation.
"A ANGERLESS POPE GULF": Yes, but what does he do in the woods?
"A LARGESSE POPE FLUNG": There's your answer.
"GEARLESS PLUNGE FOP": A Snapper golf cart mishap?
"A ENRAGE ELF SLUG POPS": Prophesy of Li'l Timmy attacking Gary?
"A EAGER SELF LUNGS POP": Too many cigars?
"A PLUGGER OF PALENESS": Golf balls ARE pale.
"A RELAPSE EGG FUN SLOP": I'd putt better with an egg.
"A PLEASE GREG FUN SLOP": "Greg" and "slop" appear throughout the prophesies numerous times. Hmmm....
"A RESALE PEP GOLF GUNS ": Cape's Executive clubs for sale?
"A FLAGGER SPLEEN SO UP": Someone is swinging too hard.
"A FLAGPOLE GEE SPURNS": Don't I know it!
"A FLAGPOLE PEGS NURSE": Watch out beer girls!
"A FLANGE OGLES SUPPER": I told you so.
"A FLANGE GULPER POSES": She DOES likes us!
"A FLANGE PERLE GO PUSS": Care for a necklace?
"A FLANGE PEE LOG SPURS": Great. Why didn't you tell me about your STDs.
"A FLANGE LEG SORE PUPS": My pups are sore? There goes your tip.
"A FALSE GREGS LONE PUP": Count his strokes.
"PAROLEE FLUNG ASS PEG": I should hope so!
"FLAGPOLE UP GREEN ASS": Remember people. This is an anagram formed from our league name.
"FLANGE PURGE ASS POLE": I'm not making these up. Check my math. Now how about some references to our adult beverage propensities...
"OPENS A LAGER ESP GULF": I predict a beer would improve my game
"GOLFS ALE A PEE SPRUNG": Yep. I gotta go too.
"A GROG ALE SELF PEP SUN": Summer sun, beer, and golf. Ahhhh!
"APPLE A FEE GONG SLURS": Save some Apple Pucker for me!
"ASS FAG ELOPE PLUNGER": OK, it's official. This leagues in trouble!

Editorial by DaBlade (or should I say "BadDeal)

Provide your own league anagrams here
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WDFN to broadcast "The 9th Hole" live at The Majestic during Snapper league?
"I wouldn't advise you to put anything on the website just yet." C. Black
February 2, 2006

Ricky A Carlson wrote:

Gentlemen: I have a 20-24 member golf league that is moving to the Majestic on Thursday nights this year @ 7:30pm. (see our Snapper Golf League website at www.usol.com/~jcarlson/) The pro told me that you may be broadcasting live from 7-9 from the course this year. Thought I would plug it for you on our site if is true, but don't want to get our FAN loving members excited if its not. Is the info I got fairly certain? Thanks.
Rick Carlson (a/k/a Snapper)

       
Mr. Carlson,

Thank you very much for the email. Our current plan is to broadcast "The 9th Hole" from The Majestic. However, between now and then alot of things have to get worked out. I think it is a great idea and am very excited about it. We have alot of things planned for the show this yea and it should be a wonderful season. I wouldn't advise you to put anything on the website just yet. Until I see something in writing and, or hear something from the people that write the checks I would wait.

C. Black
Host - The 9th Hole
www.wdfn.com

By the way, that's 1130 on the AM dial. It's not clear to DaBlade where the broadcast van would be set up, but I would recommend they cut to the chase and park behind our finishing hole each week. The listening audience could be our last hole gallery, with finishing Snappers being interviewed live to explain their 3-putt with the pick-pick finish.

With the WDFN van parked behind our finishing hole (with protective netting), they could rig a golf cart with a small satellite dish on top to do remotes during the round. In this way, the listening audience could follow along week to week on the latest asshole-of-the-day. There could be a "McKenzie Brothers" update for Bill & Dave's weekly hijinx (complete with theme song). Or how about the "College Boys Corner" covering Nake' daddy and C-Money, to capture that elusive younger demographic. There could be weekly themes on the Glacial Twins, Shang & Mister Cowan, Hollywood & Wolf, Daddy Snapper & the Mailman, Little Timmy & the Wolfcub, The Assassin & the Jeweler. Guy, Larry, Scott, and Micha will have to come up with a nickname by then.

Comment here
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A Man and his Tenders
Novelette by David Mitteer/Snapper News
January 17, 2006

Chapter Four
Brazil Nuts

(Sound of crickets) Whats shaking my man? Hope all is well at your locale. I am writing this email because it is way overdue. The snapper fans need their offseason news as you have suggested so below is a story of good vs evil, man vs. beast, an epic tale concerning one Naked Dave (in the clothed form) and the woman that was to destroy his free will and character.

The date, January 14th the day before Emily aka Brazil's birthday (22nd). I had been selected by Brazil to be her birthday present as she requested me wrapped up for her birthday, who am I to say no to such a suggestive request. I guess I'm easy, anyways back to the story at hand...this said meeting was to take place at a few watering holes in Plymouth, Michigan (her second mother land, Brazil being her native ground) around 9pm. I arrived at her house in good form and with good intentions, showering her with chocolates from the Russel Stover collection, chocolates sans tester bites. The chocolates were to arouse the animal inside her, but instead were the remnants of the Dave she knew as sweet, funny, and otherwise presentable.

This opinion of me was shattered when at the watering holes, I had made several finger motions to one of her best friends, a girl I have known for 4 years now as an acquaintance. This girl had the audacity to become enraged at my bird giving antics and stormed out of the bar, thus leaving Brazil one mad mama. S.O.B. was the first thought that came to my mind as the bird was given in good faith that she would take it as a joke. I flick off my friends all the time and they know i certainly don't mean what it denotes. Maybe I'm wrong but I would never do something to anyone else if I thought I would be offended or uncomfortable by those same actions.

I apologized to the girl and Brazil the day after but my plans of greatness were spoiled that nite as a result of my playfulness. In the letter to this overreacting girl I stated that the bad taste I left in her mouth should be dissolved in the waters of forgiveness, a left handed apology as my actions garnered an apology of that kind. As Dr. Seuss said, "Say what you feel and be who you are because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I'm sure neither Brazil nor Miss pissypants like this train of thought but that's just me and that's how a player has to be, to quote Tupac.

Will Brazil come crawling back to Dave? or will the shallow minded devil woman poison her mind leaving her to never talk to me again? Who knows? Find out next week if she is crossed off the list or extremely turned on by my bad boy actions, lets hope the latter. Until next time this is Nake Daddy urging you to do whatever gets ya to the fridge.
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January, 2006
sounds like a new tv series

MYSTERY PHOTO: Who in the above photo is a regular visitor to this website (at least when it was updated during the season) and an honorary Snapper? No, it is not Ronald Reagan, the greatest president in our nation's history. Hint: He goes by the name of "Sum" and resides in Connecticut (and has reportedly put on substantial amounts of weight!).

Sum and The Gipper... Sounds like a title for a TV comedy series. I can hear the promo spot now. It would be a buddy show in the mold of The Odd Couple. "Meet Sum, an unemployed sumo wrestler from Hangzhou, and his roommate Ronnie, the 40th president of The United States. President Reagan's policies created record economic growth at home, and defeated communism abroad, but he can't seem to get Sum to pick up his dirty laundry!" Hilarity ensues....well, maybe not.
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