Snapper News!

2005 Snapper News Links:


New Snapper home for golf and mammaries! 
The Majestic Snappers! 
Adopted league mascot species under Asian assault! 
Andrews Schmandrews! 
New "Trust" hormone could wreak havoc 
Warning: Vacation Story 
League adds new rule 
A man and his tenders (Chapters 2 and 3) By: Naked Dave 
Who are you and what have you done with my partner? By: L'il Snapper 
A boy and his ball 
DaBlade's Mailbag; 
Dimarco signs in/Are Phil's spikes legal?; 
The Carlson Five/Masters Week; 
Bettman doesn't cancel Snapper season!!; 
Could you beam me somewhere, Mister Scott?; 


The Majesty of The Majestic!
New Snapper home for golf and mammaries!
September 2, 2005

"That reminds me. I need to pick up some milk on the way home."
- - Gary Fulgham (while ordering a draft beer from the walking set of bodacious Ta Tas)

Another successful Snapper league golf season comes to a close, and the reviews of our new home course have all been glowing. The fairways on the third nine we played (holes 19-27) were sufficiently wooded, with plenty of sand traps devilishly placed both left and right. What was not to like? There was something for everyone, including Bill & Dave, whom I'm quite sure enjoyed the quiet and secluded wooded drives between holes. There were doglegs, wetlands, GPS equipped golf carts, not to mention the breathtaking undulations (which I cover in greater detail in the next paragraph). Oh yeah, and I eagled the par 4 hole #8 with, dare I say, a majestic 100 yard pitch.

The facilities inside the Majestic clubhouse are HUGE, and I'm not just referring to the very impressive set of hooters being sported by our new favorite bar maid, who I shall refer to as "Bambi". Most of the tables remained empty, but the bar stools were all filled to capacity by league members. It was "standing room only" for the rest of the Snapper league, as we crowded up to the counter, behind which were nestled the objects of our enchantment. Snappers were ordering draft beers instead of bottled, most likely so they could watch Bambi grasp the large, cylindrical keg handle with her soft and creamy hand, while pulling it towards her cleavage area... *sigh* Or maybe it was just me.

It's good to note that there are plenty of seats at the tables, in the event that "Bambie" ever calls in sick with a chest cold some Thursday night next golf season. Let's hope this never occurs. After all, a chest cold could be life threatening for her.

Season kudos go out to...

2005 Champs:  Steve Markunas 
  Dave Wolfenden 
Most Improved Avg:  Tim Kachelski (-5.17) 
Most Deteriorated Avg:  Jason Wolfenden (+2.65) 
Cost Effective Award:  Bill Cape - 54.82 
Low Round Actual:  Dave Wolfenden - 37 
Low Round Net:  Micha Fulgham - 29 
Asshole-of-the-year:  TBA (after league vote) 
Ball-less Snappers:  Larry Guess ;
  Ron Richardson 

The bitter rivalry between Tim Kachelski and Bill Cape was born from last year's down-to-the-wire contest for the cost effective award (high average). You may recall that Cape was awarded this booby prize last year, after Timmy "lost" his final round card and was allowed to manufacture one. This year, it was apparent that Cape had been working out or taking lessons, because he successfully shaved almost 2 full strokes off from last year's average. The problem is, Timmy improved over his 2004 average by over 5 strokes! Congratulations Bill! While Glacial Greg made a run, your stranglehold of this award shall continue through another long off season!

Don't forget the Snapper year end outing at Kimberly Oaks in St. Charles on Sunday, September 11, 2005. The 18 hole scramble is scheduled for a shot gun start @ 9:00am. See Ya there!
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The Majestic Snappers!
Finally. A descriptive league name
by DaBlade/Snapper News
August 20, 2005

Thursday, August 25, 2005, will be the end of an era, as the last Snapper league golf round will be played at Sugarbush in Davison. This was the second go around for the Snappers at Sugarbush, and I for one am going to especially miss the two minute drive back home after league play. But as Rick stated in the recent league memo outlining our venue options, staying put at the 'Bush would have been a risky proposition, what with "The Don" taking interest in his golf course, and the rumors surrounding how this interest will manifest itself. Snapper's memo addressed the non-option of staying put at Sugarbush for next year by asking, "Do you feel lucky? Well do ya punk?"

So once again, our league is on the move, and Snapper has secured our Thursday night time slot at The Majestic at Lake Walden in Hartland. The Majestic sports THREE distinct and challenging nines to rotate through for league play. From the official website, you get [THIS] graphic of the course layout. There will be a leisure boat/raft ride to the tenth tee every third week at no extra charge, so bring the fishing poles! (Let me just say right here and now, league management does NOT want to have to write a rule next year disallowing "closest to the ferry for a beer" bets, K?).

For those of you keeping score, the following is a history of league venues by year:

    1988-1995 Tyrone Hills (8 years)
    1996-1998 Brookwood (3 years)
    1999-2000 Sugarbush (2 years)
    2001-2002 Copper Ridge (2 years)
    2003-2004 Sugarbush (2 years)
    2005-???? Majestic
But we don't have to wait for next year to play The Majestic, as our final week of league play on Thursday, September 1, will be there!

In other news...
No AOTD awarded for the second week in a row! What gives? The league quorum was sparse this past week, with various lame excuses like having to go to dinner "to celebrate the wife's birthday". Naked Dave was a shell of his usual self, as he was saturated with Benadryl to fight the effects of the venom from 12 angry bee stings on his ankles and legs. But hey, even Dave at 50% surprisingly wasn't a factor. Oh well. Maybe next week.
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Adopted league mascot species under Asian assault!
by DaBlade/Snapper News
July 23, 2005

Glacial Greg, just returning to "work" from another of the numerous and lengthy GM shutdowns, immediately put his nose back to the grindstone by perusing Asian internet news sites. It will definitely be worth the extra hundred bucks or so in my next car's monthly payment to have learned of the disturbing "turtlecide" occurring in Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia and China. Here is the e-mail he sent me (in part)

    It's Gitmo for turtles! The only thing missing is piped-in, blaring Rap music! Or, how about in addition to the various actual species mentioned in the story, you come up with a creatively named fictional turtle species using the name of one of our own Snapper members? Perhaps a "Red-necked Lawless Snapper", or something better? Here's the story (although I too pity the animals, it cracked me up): - Greg

    SINGAPORE (Reuters) - One in five pet shops in Singapore are selling endangered turtles, an animal welfare group said on Friday...(An) investigation of 100 Singapore pet shops... revealed the presence of endangered species such as the Chinese stripe-necked turtle, the Chinese softshell turtle, the Australian snake-necked turtle and the pig-nosed turtle. The turtles are smuggled into Singapore from Malaysia, Indonesia and China, some crushed into suitcase and cardboard boxes. Many die during the journey, and the surviving ones are mistreated or kept in squalid conditions, Ng said.[Full Story]

If you're like me, after reading this story the first question that comes to mind is this... Who would name their child "Ng"? Then, after several minutes of trying to correctly pronounce this name in your head, the sheer horror that is this story begins to overwhelm you. But fear not, fellow Snappers, for there is hope yet for our durable little mascot. On the heels of the last e-mail, Greg sent me this little tidbit:

    Man! You couldn't make this stuff up could you? No sooner did I send you the last "turtle scoop", than there's another one right below it!

    PHNOM PENH, July 21 (Reuters) - An extremely rare Cambodian "royal" turtle has been rescued from a Chinese soup pot by a microchip implanted in its leg, officials said... "Without the microchip which we implanted in its right leg, the turtle would have ended up on a Chinese menu," said Heng Sovannara of the Cambodian fishery department's endangered species office [Full Story]

You go Heng! Fight the good fight for all of the turtles of every shape and size worldwide! Don't quit until all of the turtles have been pulled out of the soup pot, and every child of Asian descent is born with at least one vowel! Where do I line up to get this microchip implanted in my ass?

Bonus Question: Who can tell me the name of the turtle in the picture used in the last story, and the cartoon from which he comes? Hint: right click pic/save as
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Andrews Schmandrews!
Editorial by DaBlade/Snapper News
July 19, 2005

On the heels of the fluff piece done on Nicklaus, I must get something off my chest regarding this year's British Open. Specifically, that really crappy course they made the pros play on at St. Andrews. It's undulating sameness resembled an alien landscape uncomfortable with the few plants it begrudgingly allowed to take root.

"Blasphemy! St. Andrews is the home of golf and should be worshipped as such," you say. I say, "Andrews Schmandrews."

It's not that I don't recognize and appreciate the history of the game. I realize that the British Open was first played at St Andrews in 1873, and that it has held the event more often than anywhere else. I understand that all the greats throughout history have tread these fairways. None of this changes my opinion that the course sucks.

Take, for example, St Andrews advertised hardest hole, the road hole on number 17. It's a blind tee shot over a freakin' shed! Am I the only Snapper member that is reminded of the finishing hole at Brookwood? I just have a hard time taking a course seriously when a "shed shot" is necessary.

Also, can we all admit that the Swilcan Bridge that Nicklaus appears on below is just a little silly? There is a longer, more majestic bridge on the finishing hole at Sugarbush. Yet all the photographers lined the course to get a shot of Jack posed from this stoney perch, looking sort of like a giant Gulliver waving to the Lilliputians.

Listen. I'm sure this quaint little course was just fine in its' day, when old Tom Morris swatted a walnut around with a gorse bush branch. For my money, I'd rather play a course with tree-lined fairways than those with prickly gorse bushes and dilapidated Scottish hotel fronts. But hey, different "strokes" for different folks. After all, I don't really like their bagpipe music either, and I haven't worn a plaid skirt since my college days.


YEAH BABYYOU DA MAN, JACK!
July 16, 2005

Jack Nicklaus officially ended his run of domination of the game of golf Friday at St. Andrews. Jack finished in style, knocking in his birdie putt on the 18th green, after an emotional, tear filled walk up the fairway waving to an outpouring of love from the appreciative throng. Technically, Jack's domination of golf ended with his last major win in the 1986 Masters, but we will miss watching this living legend playing the game he loves in today's field of players.

Tiger seems to be in control and on his way to winning his 10th major title, going into the weekend up by four strokes. If he does, it will still leave him 8 shy of Nicklaus' career majors total. Until and unless Tiger eclipses Jack's career record, you have to agree that the Golden Bear is the greatest golfer to ever play. Ever. Period.
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New "Trust" hormone could wreak havoc with the Snapper rules!
June 1, 2005

Swiss and American scientists, after evidently mastering the perfect cheese slice, have announced a new nasal spray containing the chemical hormone oxytocin, that makes it's victims more trusting. JOSEPH B. VERRENGIA, AP Science Writer and author of the article on these experiments, touches upon some potential abuses which could occur with this discovery in the following excerpt...

    After a few squirts, human subjects were significantly more trusting and willing to invest money with no ironclad promise of a profit. The researchers acknowledged their findings could be abused by con artists or even sleazy politicians who might sway an election, provided they could squirt enough voters on their way to the polls.

Sleazy politicians squirting for votes? Didn't Bill Clinton already go there? That said, I believe that Mr. Vereengia has just scratched the surface of the problems this vapor trust could cause. Consider the following hypothetical dialog on some future Thursday Snapper golf night...

CAPE: "Pick pick?"
OPPONENT: "You want me to grant you a gimmee and let you pick up your 30-foot putt in exchange for my 6 inch putt? You must be crazy..."
*SQUIRT* *SQUIRT*
OPPONENT: "What am I saying? That sounds fair!"

Or how about this nightmare scenario...

WOLF & STEVE: "We are teeing off first this week."
SNAPPER: "Bulls&*t! I don't think so!..."
*SQUIRT* *SQUIRT*
SNAPPER: "F&*k me! Sorry to be so rude. After you, gentlemen."

I think you get the idea. Snapper rules would be subject to circumvention on a weekly basis! Even Snapper, prodigious writer of additions to our league rules, would have a difficult time keeping up with new legal verbiage necessary to stave off damage and address unanticipated situations that this devil's chemical could unleash. Where would the madness end?

UNNAMED PLAYER: "I'll take a Budweiser and I'd like to give you a hot oil massage."
BETH THE BEER-GIRL: "Ewww! Gross...What evvvvver!..."
*SQUIRT* *SQUIRT*
BETH THE BEER-GIRL: "Bring it on cowboy!"

Hmmmm. Possibilities after all.


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Warning: Yellowstone Vacation Story
No golf tie-in, and a shameless indulgence on webmaster's part
by DaBlade/Snapper News
June 23, 2005

What a truly remarkable place! I am referring to Yellowstone in general, as it lives up to its' billing as one of the greatest wonders on this planet. We stayed two nights at the Canyon Western Cabin. After the second day of sight seeing, which included Mammoth hot springs and Mt. Washburn (no hiking), we began to make our way back to Canyon Junction to turn in. As we drove through beautiful Hayden Valley, we noticed a jam of cars collecting along the roadside. Usually these jam-ups mean wildlife front and center, and stopping will reward one with a good picture of elk, moose, coyote, etc.

However, no wildlife was visible, and I noticed most of the bystanders had high powered telescopes and binoculars trained at the tree line on the other side of the valley, barely visible on the horizon to the naked eye. I learned that this dusk time ritual sometimes rewarded the patient tourist with a glimpse of a grizzly bear through their miniature hubble. We were tired, and I didn't have binoculars. We wanted to see the Yellowstone Canyon before retiring, so we continued to the cabin.

There was a half mile path through the woods to the Grand View of Yellowstone Canyon right next to our cabin. The path was paved, which was comforting to me, and so off we went. Our trip there was a leisurely 15-20 minute walk. The trails' end opened to a parking lot, where most visitors here parked, having arrived by car. We enjoyed the beautiful views of the canyon, but with daylight waning, decided to head back for the night.

As we made our way toward the trail head, a woman rushed over to me with a concerned look on her face. She told me that a grizzly was spotted just up the road and that I should be careful. I thanked her, and briefly considered walking the roadway back to the cabin. I rejected this choice, not just because it was a longer route, but because it would take us past the area the lady said the grizzly was spotted.

We were joined by a father and his young daughter. The man asked to join us at his daughters request, because she was spooked by the bear story. We started down the path with the little girl approximately 10 years old, clapping her hands and singing. Evidently, if you make a lot of noise, the animals will avoid you well before you get to them. I had no yearning to startle a grizzly, so I began to belt out an Elvis tune. My singing began to frighten the children, so I was sure it would act as a dependable grizzly repellant.

The canopy of trees enveloped us and blighted out much of the remaining light, and an onset of foreboding quickly overtook me. We walked briskly down the winding path looking this way and that, just in case the bear didn't read the brochure about how he should act while we were making noise. Besides, shouldn't he be putting on a long distance show for the Hayden Valley purists? I had just wanted to see a freakin' waterfall!

The end of the path was almost in site and it appeared that we would make it uneventfully. I glanced nonchalantly over my shoulder and adrenaline was immediately pumped through my system, as the primitive response of "fight-flee-or pee" took hold at the sight of the stalking beast. It was approximately 100 yards away and walking purposefully toward me. My 10 year old son took off in a mad dash while I bravely stood in the pocket and got about 2 seconds of video before scurrying the rest of the troops back to the cabin.
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League to add new rule? proposal by Glacial Greg...
May 24, 2005

It is perhaps fitting that on this sad day of compromised values witnessed in the United States Senate over filibustering, that the Snapper brain-trust likewise is called upon to lay down arms and accept less than we might otherwise. In one corner is "a two stroke penalty", in the other "a stern warning." I speak of course, of the lamentable case of stolen tee times perpetrated by Dave Wolfendon and Steve Markunas. This has occurred (as any fair-minded person would verify) not merely once or twice by accident, but over and over and over again these past several years. Yes, Dave and Steve are serial tee stealers in a premeditated, and ruthless way. And in the immortal words of Shirley Q. Liquor: "We want a stop put to it!"

In one corner is Snapper, who upon having issued clear warning of a two stroke penalty to the accused, was promptly ignored. Actually, he was also ridiculed as well as ignored, for which a beating is perhaps more called for. But corporal punishment aside, Shirley Q. and me want justice. I have heard both sides of the proposed punishment/warning arguments and have thus decided to offer the following as a compromise. The perps will get their warning all right - but only a warning that the next time they thumb their noses (or whatever other body part was showing given their heads being up their a _ _ es at the time) at the league authority, they (and their unwitting, or nitwit opponents who likewise choose to play out of order) will forfeit all of their points for that round.

And the "Snapper Nuclear Option" is triggered by the Rick and Greg alliance
   WHEREAS, the following rule is the only written rendition of our practices on teeing off; and
   WHEREAS, tee times scheduled in advance are hereby recognized as a routine and integral procedure for any orderly golfing society; and
   WHEREAS, SNAPPER GOLF has always attempted as a matter of courtesy and common sense, without the need for punitive ramifications, to accept the unwritten premise that you tee off when it is your turn unless granted permission to play through from those whose turn it is; and
   WHEREAS, after careful consideration over several years of the need to provide for punitive ramifications for continuous ignoring of the scheduled tee times by a certain unnamed league twosome;
   NOW THEREFORE, two out of three Carlsons, hereby amend rule #7 AS FOLLOWS:

Special Rule 7A, a/k/a, "Markunas/Wolfendon Rule": Tee times (tee orders) are scheduled in advance for each match. In the spirit of "ready golf" , should one or more members of a team not be present at the tee box>>>> 


Member reactions to new "Markunas/Wolfendon Rule 7A"...

"This could hurt the defense of our title."
Steve "Hollywood" Markunas

"I guess that means we won't show up until 6 o'clock from now on!"
Dave Wolfenden

"Looks like 15 more weeks of pouting. Maybe they should lose 36 points retroactive to last year and give up their title!"
Steve Peltier

"Go ahead. Take the points. What's the difference between last place and first? A buck fitty?"
Steve "Hollywood" Markunas

"Chris and Dave lost 2 points because they either unwittingly or nitwittingly went along with them!"
Glacial Greg

"I wonder if we will still have a year-end banquet, or if the league dues have been depleted by Snapper billing for legal fees."
Timmy Kachelski

Can't we all ju..jus...just get along?...
Sensing hard feelings on this issue from both sides, I took Snapper aside and attempted to broker a deal. "Can we retract the 2 point penalty in exchange for a really, REALLY stern warning?," asked I. Snapper reluctantly agreed, with the condition that he receive a personal apology from the offending parties with the resolution that they would never do it again. When this deal was later presented in a serious manner to Team 7, Hollywood busted out in laughter while Wolf "grabbed ass brow." "I don't think Snapper will rule that as acceptable to his terms," cracked Glacial Greg. "I've done all I can," I told them. Chris "Li'l Snap" and Naked Dave have promised to perform the necessary groveling ritual to reclaim their 2 points, but as of this posting, the guestbook has been quiet on this.


A Man and his Tenders
Novelette by David Mitteer/Snapper News
May 20, 2005

Chapter One
One Order of Chicken Tenders Please (refer to aotd winner 5/12/05 for the dirt written by Dablade)

Chapter Two
Man at the Bar

(Sound of crickets)It was a typical day at Sugarbush Golf Course, the sky could have been a little more clear, but no complaints were heard amongst the members, but what was heard was louder than a child with the "terrible twos"; what, you ask, could be so significant that would require this pen to use such a comparison?...your friend and well-wisher Naked Dave, was posted alone, front seat at the bar, enjoying the same infamous meal of chapter one, a chicken tender dinner. These chicken tender dinner escapades seem to be commonplace with this member, what is not commonplace with this member is his participation in acts that cause self-isolation (not to be confused with actions that take place when in isolation)-Beat you to it repliers. That is right, Naked was at the bar by himself, seemingly happy i imagine, but none the less by himself not interacting with fellow members.

"Is that Naked at the bar?" one member asked. "That can't be Nake Daddy at the bar, I thought he would talk to us, I thought he liked us." another proclaimed. "Man, what's with this kid, i thought he was a snapper and now this, this metaphorical spitting in the face of all members by act of seclusion. That's it, Naked is no friend of mine." the majority proclaimed.

While others, me, took a different look at the situation. Here is how I see it, I was going through my post golf routine in the bar, this time insisting on paying right away, no more funny stuff. Now instead of taking the tenders back to the table like any member of civil society would, I executed the "one, two, eat em up" and mowed through these tenders with reckless abandonment, giving no regard to the feelings of Snapper League Members.

I would like to say to all Snapper League Members that the afore said mentioned act was caused by the sweet aroma of the golden browns, in partnership with the liver eating, Hot ****! These actions caused the writer to enter a new state of being, tender country. In no way should my actions translate into any ill will towards any snapper, as we bleed the same snapper blood. An uncharacteristic move, Naked may seem cold on the outside, but he's on your side 51% of the time. That's love. As little snapper mentioned, "It's good to drink with your friends, but sometimes you ain't got no friends and you drink alone." He didn't say anything about eating alone but if he did I'm sure I would not have heard the end of it. Rest assurd Snappers, Naked is still on your team...if you'll have him back(sigh)
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Chapter 3:
May 20, 2005
The Date. Dave...?

Recent concerns have left me with no choice but to reply as clarification and closure is needed in golden brown matters. It is true I forsaked the heavenly browns and whiskey todders and silly-wiesers alike for a certain lady during last weeks sharades. The consequences of my actions have taken form into a two-bladed sword. On side, the snapper side, I chumped out and chumped out huge. On the Dana side, the beautiful side, I was a regular Fonzworth Wellington III.

The date could not have gone any better. As we only have one female fan, Laura, I will forgo the mushy stuff, to inform snappers that your pal and regular assh*le, Nake, Nake Daddy has changed for the better. No longer will I insist on the golden browns, but rather I will begin to appreciate the golden browns for what they truly are...Beer eaters, eaters of the beer in my stomach and makers of thunder in the bathroom. These manly actions have no place in the presence of a lady, especially a fine rose of sorts as Dana.

I hope my snapper brethren will agree I made the right choice by not eating the assh*le browns (a name that spawned as result of aotd streak). I did however make a mistake by not having a few silly ones out there. My swing felt like a rusty gate instead of a strong, door-opener type swing. Dana has agreed to accept me as the dented can that I am.

Having a few silly guys out there would not have been bad, apologies to the tool box and tool box man, you know who you are. I am happy to report that Naked Dave will be ready and raring to go, awaiting the challenge of defending the award that encompasses my natural being, the AOTD.



Who are you, and what have you done with my golf partner?
by Chris "Little Snap" Carlson/Snapper News
June 3, 2005

After an unprecedented 3 straight weeks with a AOTD award, I, like most of the other Snappers were expecting more assh*lish behaviors by Naked to keep his streak going. Like a second baseman watching his pitcher pitch a no-hitter, I said nothing so as not to jinx him. I packed the "tool box" with all materials necessary to ensure Dave would be at the top of his game, silly-weisers and whiskey-todders (Dave is fond of pet-naming his favorite drinks).

But on the first tee, no Buds were cracked, no Jack and Coke's poured, and worst of all....no Golden Browns to be found anywhere. We were paired with Cape and Lawless, a favorite drinking group of ours, and they were just as confused as I. When asked why he wasn't drinking? Naked Dave, a man who is more apt to be parted with his clothes than his beer, said that he had a date later that night and wanted to make sure that he wasn't acting like the assh*le that we snappers have come to know and love.

Discussing this situation after golfing was completed, and evaluating possible AOTDs, some Snapper members chose to comment. "Not drinking (at Snapper League) so he won't be an assh*le ?!? What an assh*le!" exclaimed Steve "Shang" Peltier. Shaking his head in disapproval and disbelief at Dave's decision, Glacial Greg's only comment was, "Miss could you bring the bottle of bourbon...my ice is dry." One anonymous Snapper said worried, "I don't remember hearing one shout of 'LIL PIC PIC' out on the course." DaBlade and I seemed only interested in the answer to one question.

Who is this vixen that has enraptured the heart of Naked Dave, causing him to willingly defer from chasing such a remarkable individual achievement as a 4th straight AOTD? Her name is Dana, a women's soccer player at MSU.

But perhaps a more important question is, is this just the first of many changes that we will see in Dave because of this new girl? Will he henceforth be known as Fully-clothed Dave? Will he forsake the Golden Browns? Is the unofficial Team 10 "8 = beer shooter" rule dead? Are the echoing shouts of "Lil Picpic" and "Lil TK" a thing of the past? For all our sakes, I certainly hope not.


A boy and his ball
May 20, 2005

Refuse to lose! My new favorite golf ball is the SRIXON. (I learned later that I was not playing the round with an "Xed-out SRION"). It was the brand of one of the balls I began play with this week. I always grab two of the whitest (least scarred and soiled) balls from my bag at the beginning of the round and put them in my pocket. (Having a spare has come in handy on many occasions in the past *wink*). I should state here that my bag o' balls consists of a hodgepodge of different brands found scattered across the woodlands of this great (albeit 'blue') state.

Rare is the round that I don't lose both of these balls before the turn. It quickly became apparent that I couldn't seem to lose this ball, two times driving it seemingly deep and irretrievably into the trees on hole 13 and hole 15, only to find it had richocheted its way back to the fairway's edge. Needless to say, I developed a fondness for the golf ball with the strange name that I was using enroute to my stellar round of '45'. I would gently stroke and whisper soothingly to it on the cart rides to the tee boxes, occasionaly holding it to my ear awaiting its' responses.

I had a scary moment when I hit my tee shot into the gulch on the par-3 16th hole. Long gone! In my younger days I may have tried to negotiate the almost vertical walls of this canyon to the swift and raging white water some 30 feet below. (OK, it's really only a stagnant trickle of water at the base of a slightly inclined bank, but the part about me being too old to negotiate said hill was completely true).

I knew it was fruitless. I tried to come to terms with having lost this special friend, trying to convince myself that it really was an inevitable end for the little fella from the moment destiny had me find it. We only had a short time together, like a shooting star bursting with a joyful effervescence before winking out, but I wouldn't trade it for a dozen Maxfli's. It may have only been a small and dimpled ball, but it had one great big heart!

A small tear ran down my cheek and splashed to the ground at the drop area for this hole. "Golf must go on," I muttered to no one in particular, as I reached into my pocket for the replacement ball. I can not begin to express in mere words the utter joy I felt the moment I examined the ball and discovered that it was indeed my beloved SRIXON! Had I mistakenly hit the replacement Titleist from the tee, or had fate smiled upon me this day? The only moments of my life where I even approached this state of euphoria was the births of my 3 sons, and just like I did to celebrate each of these events, I did so again by lighting a cigar, popping a beer and reflecting on life and what really is important.
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DaBlade's Mailbag
April 17, 2005

Hey DaBlade! Did you hear about the two idiots down in Florida who got themselves arrested for beating an alligator to death with a golf club? These guys must belong in your golf league!
Bob Young

Bob, Obviously you are not a regular connoisseur of this tasty (yet low in fat) website, elsewise you would know that The Snapper League looks upon cruelty to animals with the utmost disdain and would therefore never bludgeon an innocent critter to death. In fact, we have a specific league rule against it, and when the rule is broken, the offending player is soundly admonished.

While we don't get many alligators at Sugarbush, I imagine a different conclusion if we did. Snapper's nickname would probably be "Wally" after having lost an arm to an alligator that he tapped on the nose while trying to explain the difference between an alligator and a crocodile. The Sugarbush Gators. It just doesn't have the same ring to it!

       

Dear DaBlade, I just read in The Detroit News that Michigan now has 852 golf courses, third most in the U.S, and surpassed by only Florida and California. With all of these golf courses at your disposal, why do you still suck so badly?
Alex Johnson

Dear Alex, I happen to be a work of art in progress. Did Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel overnight? No! As for the numerous golf courses in Michigan, it does increase the odds of The Snappers always being able to find a new home if necessary.
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Dimarco signs in
Masters Exclusive! by DaBlade/Snapper News
April 11, 2005

Tiger Woods appreciated what he thought to be a congratulatory pat on the back from opponent Chris Dimarco, who he had just defeated in sudden death to win the 2005 Masters Championship. Dimarco instead used this occasion to tape his own version of a "Kick Me" sign on Tiger's back.


Are Phil's spikes legal?
Masters Exclusive! by DaBlade/Snapper News
April 9, 2005

Vijay Singh whined to The Masters ruling committee yesterday, questioning the legality of defending champion Phil Mickelson's golf shoe cleats. Vijay was in the group immediately following Mickelsons, and he was upset by the indentations caused by Phil's spikes.

According to Will Nicholson, chairman of the Masters' competition committee, Phil's cleats were deemed legal. Nicholson stated, "While it is unusual to have raised lettering that leaves the message BITE-ME VIJAY indented on the green, there is no specific rule against it."


The Carlson Five:
Not one green jacket among them!

Fab Five Carlsons circa 1968

I posted this picture to answer the question I'm always asked, "Hey DaBlade! Have you always been such a snazzy dresser?" Yes!

While a blazer with 3/4 length sleeves never caught on, I must say that I was ahead of the curve with the liberal use of hair mousse.

DaBlade's secret weapon...
On advice from Sum, I have purchased a Power Play System Q Titanium Driver [More], sight unseen, and based solely on Sum's recommendation. You might say I had this club "taylor made" to my specifications, and according to gigagolf, it was shipped to me today. I tell you this for two reasons. First, it will explain why DaBlade joins the ranks of the "horses" this year. Secondly, the club comes with some kind of allen wrench stowed away in the handle, evidently to use for quick repairs to a broken down golf cart. Let me know if you need an adjustment on the governor!

Masters week at Augusta National..
Who will win it this year? Phil Mickelson is playing excellent golf. Tiger is always a logical choice to be near the top. Don't forget Singh (the Veejster isn't number one for nothing). Solid picks, all. Call it a hunch, but I think Ernie Els earns his first Master championship this year. Watch for the white smoke announcing the winner....errr..
...so where the heck is Martha Burk?
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Bettman doesn't cancel Snapper season!!
Blog by DaBlade/Snapper News
February 17, 2005

On the heels of announcing that the 2004/05 NHL hockey season is a bust, commissioner Gary Bettman told a Snapper golf league reporter today that he had no intention of doing the same with this Thursday night men's golf and beer league. A successful negotiation that lasted well into the late afternoon, the Carlson's came to an agreement regarding this year's league dues. "Rest assured that if anyone balks at the slight increase of a mere $25 in dues, we will start the season on time with replacement players," Snapper stated to this reporter.

The only loose end appears to be the greenies payout. In year's past, the two closest to the pin winners received the entire greenies pot for that week ($20 each when everyone plays). There is a management proposal on the table this year that would increase the entry fee from $2/player to $5/team, and employ a "profit cap" of $15 for each greenie win. "The rest of the money would go toward the year end banquet fund," insisted Snapper.

It is unknown at this time if the greenies proposals above will pass the league congress on week one. Most understand that something needs to be done, and that barring any rain outs, the fund will go bankrupt. One anonymous dissenter opposed to this increase in league taxes, stated he favored starting private accounts consisting of beer can returnables. Stay tuned for future developments...

In other news...
Snapper league members should have already received a mailout from Rick (Snapper) regarding league finances and dues payment schedule. If you didn't, it's probably because he has old address information on you (you know. Before your ol' lady kicked you out the house). I was sad to learn the news (second only to the dues increase) that we are losing a couple of players (pla-yas?).

Here is the excerpt from Rick's mailout... This year we lose one team, Lil Snapper & Naked Dave; they are going on a "walk about" in California for the summer claiming they will return, older and wiser. Micha Fulgham insists that he will get a partner and take their spot changing his Snapper status from full-time Blevins sub to official dues paying member.

Chris and Dave, we hardly knew ya! Don't waste your entire summers pushing a metal detector around the hot sandy beaches of the left coast looking for loose change! Cheers, boys!

Word games...
Steve P., a/k/a Shang, posted to the guestbook on February 15, with an interesting word game. The rules are simple: take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. My favorite from his list being... Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. I responded with a few of my own words that are related to the Snappers, or just hacker golf in general. Here are my entries (with a few new ones)...

Pickante Sauce: When Cape resorts to using spicy language when a pick-pick plea is rejected.
Cowagulation: The propensity of golfers to stack up on a particular tee where Glacial Greg is taking numerous waggles.
NASCART: When DaBlade's golf cart will only go in circles after the tie rod inexplicably breaks.
Gamnesia: The affliction that causes a Snapper golfer to convey the incorrect yardage information to an opponent because he "forgot" what the GAM marker stated.
Spintaneous: Suddenly making up a lower score than was actually shot. "One in, two out, three in the pond...give me a four."
Parsnickety: A snobbish opponent who insists on you carding the correct score


Could you beam me somewhere, Mister Scott?
Blog by DaBlade/Snapper News
January 28, 2005

    I gotta go where it's warm.
    I gotta go where it's warm.
    I gotta go where there ain't any snow,
    where there ain't any blow,
    'cause my fin sinks so low.
    I gotta go where it's warm.

    Jimmy Buffett "Boat Drinks"

We've recently eclipsed the "100-days to Snapper golf" barrier, but it was 7 below zero this morning. Like I've pleaded before people, PLEASE USE MORE FOSSIL FUELS! This global warming promise isn't working so good. On a side note, my elevator shadow golf swing is in tip top form, if I do say so myself.

Is it just me, or does the television show American Idol remind you of a typical Snapper golf week? I don't watch the show as a rule, but the wife turned it on the other day and I didn't have the energy to move my ass from the couch. Anyways, it was a seemingly endless parade of really horrible singers who had a higher opinion of themselves than they deserved. After failing to impress the panel, they were roundly ridiculed. If you replace "singing" with "driving the ball," than this is exactly my experience at 8-out-of-9 tee boxes per week. On the one good drive, I jump up and down screaming, "I'm going to Hollywood!" It is about this time in the off-season that I start equating everything I see to golf.

This just in... Arnold Palmer married his fiancee, Kathleen Gawthrop, during an intimate beachside ceremony in Kahuku, Hawaii. Yes, it is a slow golf news day.

I just read an article about the improvement in golf ball technology causing the golf balls to fly much farther than ever before. This is a good thing, as DaBlade needs all the help he can get. It may be a while though before I actually try these new-on-the-market balls. I am too cheap to buy them, so using them is a function of the rate in which all of you plunk down your hard earned cash to purchase them, divided by the square root of the rate you use and lose them, multiplied by the hours I spend in the woods.

Lastly, I would like to propose a Snapper toast for the late great Johnny Carson. Johnny, you gave us many laughs and memories, and I still picture you with your unique smile and golf swing that you ended your show with every night. Here's to you..."HI-OOOO!!!"
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