Snapper News!

2004 Snapper News Links:


Snapper Christmas wish list; 
Violence in sports (is golf next?); 
Deer me! I'd rather be golfing!; 
Snapper Memo; 
2004 Season Closes With More Controversy; 
Ranger Stan's Game of Golf!; 
Naked Dave's "Thought of the Day"; 
Yes Christopher, There Is A Snapper Claus; 
Guess Who Is First Off-Season AOTD Winner!?; 
Cryo Freeze Your Club Heads; 
Have You Checked Your COR Lately?; 


Snapper Christmas Wish List...
December 17, 2004

The golf gloves were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Snapper soon would be there.

Dear Santa: Please bring the following presents to the Snapper golfers...
RICK CARLSON: A large stogie, a sunny day, and an extra sleeve of balls to complete the round. (and a balanced league checkbook)
RON RICHARDSON: A return of his 2003 game, a new mail bag, and earplugs for when his partner really sucks.
GREG CARLSON: A slower, more methodical pre-swing routine, fewer twilight golfers playing through, and a hard hat.
JERRY CARLSON: Give me just one drive in the fairway! (Yes - past the red tees)
TIM KACHELSKI: Elevator golf shoes (and some waffles for that syrup).
JASON WOLFENDEN: Longevity in the Snapper Golf League! (just don't plan on it with Timmy)
GARY FULGHAM: What jeweler wouldn't love some "silver and gold"? (and nametags for Bill & Dave)
MARK BLEVINS: His own line of designer sun glasses called "Shades of the Assassin."
BILL CAPE: A pick-pick gold card good on any Snapper green! (and ice for the tool box)
DAVE LAWLESS: A Low Actual win in 2005, and one of those Japanese man pillows shaped like an arm to snuggle with on those long rides to the next tee box when his partner Bill misses golf.
SCOTT COWAN: An eagle! I hear he's always wanted one.
STEVE PELTIER: A brand new pull cart! (but only for a few minutes, cuz we need it back)
DAVE WOLFENDEN: A brand new Extraordinary Larry cigar! (just need a few drags of it first)
STEVE MARKUNAS: A book on sensitivity training for golf course wildlife. (and a faster swing)
GUY METZGER: A weekend getaway at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
LARRY GUESS: A photo of himself on the Snapper website replacing Jacko's.
MIKE REHBEIN: A return to the glory days of first place. (and Burrough's short game)
STEVE BURROUGHS: May and June league golf (and Rehbein's long game)
CHRIS CARLSON: Beer (and "Carlson" voting powers)
DAVE MITTEER: Beer (and new club grips)
SUM YUNG GAI: A one-week travel visa to play in the Snapper League.
BETSY (the Beer Girl): A larger cargo hold and a V-8 installed. (and a new thong)

Merry Christmas everyone!

[Add to the Snapper Wish List Here]


Violence in sports (is golf next?)
December, 2004
Editorial By DaBlade/ Snapper News

The basket-"brawl" that ended the Pistons-Pacers game prematurely on November 19th, continues to reverberate through the media, and it got me to thinking. Could the violence we saw in this "Malice at the Palace" spill over into our beloved game of golf?

In the massacre at the Palace of Auburn Hills, Ron Artest committed a cowardly flagrant foul at the end of a game the Pacers had already won, clubbing the Piston's Ben Wallace in the back. Big Ben took exception and challenged Artest with a push. Being a "pus" and having no desire to get his ass kicked, he decided instead to lay on the scorers table like a Thanksgiving turkey.

The rest is history. The thrown cup of beer thrown by a fan that caused the gland in Artest's brain (called the gangsta- rappa-ghetto gland) to excrete an enzyme with a long scientific name (but commonly known by its acronym as the OJ enzyme), that made him act a fool.

Some would say this type of violence is not possible in professional golf unless Ron Artest himself switches sports and attains a tour card. I say, don't discount that scenario of a basketball player turning pro golfer as impossible just yet. I hear that Michael Jordan hits a mean ball, and Artest has to do something to keep himself busy during his suspension.

I'm sure we can all imagine Artest routinely clubbing his caddie with his putter after a missed putt, or his occasional run through the gallery, blindly assaulting spectators. For the sake of argument, say Ron Artest can't golf and doesn't join the PGA tour. That being the case, the game of golf is immune from violence, right?

Hold up! Don't forget, there is a PGA tour event in Flint called the Buick Open at Warwick Hills. (Yes, I am aware that Warwick Hills is actually in Grand Blanc, but if the national media considers Auburn Hills as Detroit, than I figure I can use Flint synonymously with Grand Blanc. Detroit has the reputation of being "New Fallujah," and Flint is considered it's ugly stepchild) The fans in the bleachers behind hole #17 at Warwick are considered to be the rowdiest fans on the entire tour. If there is ever an episode of spontaneous violence in golf, this would be the likely location.

Could it happen? All that is needed is a hard foul while a player is putting (in golf, a "hard foul" could conceivably be the jingling of change in one's pocket while opponent is putting, an offense committed routinely in the Snapper golf league, but not seen often in the PGA). After the foul, the offended player would then challenge the offender, who in turn would lay down on the green, pretending to being interviewed by Ken Venturi. This prone player would then be vulnerable to getting doused by a thrown beer from a drunken fan, causing the player to storm through the bleacher section indiscriminately assaulting the spectators.

After further review, the odds of this occurring are next to nil. After all, no fan from the Flint area would ever throw their beer. Those cups cost about $8 bucks each!

Whether Artest can golf or not, you'd have to love him as a captain's pick in the next Ryder's cup!

[comment on this story]


    There I was back in the wild again.
    I felt right at home, where I be-long.
    I had the feeling, coming over me again.
    Just like it happened so many times be-fore. eh.
    The Spirit of the Woods is like an old good friend.
    Makes me feel warm and good in-side.
    I knew his name and it was good to see him again.
    Cause in the wind he's still a-live.

The above lyrics are from the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent, in a tribute to his late friend, Fred Bear, in this deer hunting song by the same name. However, it also expresses the same joy I feel when I find my errant golf ball in the woods.

Deer me! I'd rather be golfing!
November, 2004
Editorial By DaBlade/ Snapper News

As of Monday, November 15, the 16-day Michigan 2004 deer firearms season started in full swing. It got me to thinking about the numerous similarities between the annual Michigan treks northward for weekend golfing trips and deer hunting.

Think about it...
A group of guys head up north to a lodge and engage in drinking massive amounts of beer while playing poker at night, only to get up early the next morning with a blinding hangover in tow. They take their favorite shootin' irons, and begin launching projectiles at their intended target in an attempt to get "a hole in one." In one sport, this activity can result in the maiming or killing of one of God's innocent woodland creatures. In the other, sometimes a deer gets shot.

In one sport, you spend an inordinate amount of time traipsing through the woods. I hear that the same is true for deer hunters.

When hunting, you sit in a blind and shoot at deer. When golfing, you drink yourself blind while shot-gunning beer.

When deer hunting, if racks are scarce, you secure a doe permit to bag a female deer. When golfing, you give some dough to the beer girl with a nice rack, and she will permit you to bag a Budweiser beer.

Of course, there are a few differences between these sports. For instance, you can't get cart service from a beer girl during a hunt. Also, if your heading down I75 south after your hunting weekend with one or more bloody carcasses strapped on your hood, it means your weekend was a successful one. If it becomes necessary to secure carcasses on your vehicle for the ride home after a golf weekend, something probably went horribly awry.

However, the similarities outweigh the differences, and since DaBlade likes to golf, it should stand to reason that I would like to go hunting as well. Yet there are good reasons why I never will. You see, I believe that many of the testosterone-laden males that go deer hunting are the same guys you see on any of the plentiful golf courses in this state. That is why I will never go deer hunting. I've witnessed first hand the frightening lack of accuracy to which these men are prone.

Maybe the main reason I have never hunted has to do with my fear that once it's bedtime and the lights go out in the lodge packed with males with 3-day growth and stacked like cord wood, my bunk mate would whisper to me softly, "Boy, you sure have a perdy mouth." I'm told this rarely happens if you stay south of the Mackinaw bridge, and if you've ever seen the females in Escanaba you can somewhat understand.

Just the same, I'm staying put. My hunting experience will continue to be limited to dodging spooked deer running across the roadway. There is only one change that could get me to reconsider sitting up in a tree freezing my butt off. Beer girls wearing form-fitting hunters orange attire on 4-wheelers packed with Budweisers.

[Return to Menu:]


    "To drop or not to drop, --that is the question:--
    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
    Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
    And by opposing end them?"

SNAPPER MEMO

To: Jerry "DaBlade" Carlson & Greg "Glacial Greg" Carlson

From: Rick "Snapper" Carlson

     Well brothers. Once again we missed you in the annual end of September trek to northern Michigan some Snappers take. This year's weather was uniquely pleasant, 77 - 84 each day as we tackled "The Nightmare" in West Branch, Gailes, Seredella and Blackshire @ Lakewood Shores in Oscoda, Red Hawk in Tawas and Huron Breeze in Au Gres. It was a typical sunup to sundown "golf till you puke" weekend.

     Of the many moments that always accompany a Snapper event, there was one I believe worthy of further discussion and I implore you DaBlade to report it to the website for the purpose of same. Not surprisingly, the event in question involved Bill "Pick-Pick?" Cape and Mark "The Assassin" Blevins, each historically skilled at calling undue attention to themselves as we all know.

     I had the pleasure of Bill's company as a cart partner as we approached a lengthy par 3 over what Gary calls Foldergarb, whatever the hell that is @ Red Hawk Golf & Country Club in east Tawas.. Just know, you can't hit out of it and usually can't get your ball out of it to drop. Bill of course after just the right number of confident waggles, dribbled his ball into the very front edge just out of play. The question arose: "where to drop and hit the 3rd shot?". The query was ridiculous according to Bill. Snappers always treat this situation as a good thing, taking their distance where they can and dropping further on down (sometimes well further on down at the opposite end of their actual entry into the "foldergarb"). He cited many examples at Sugarbush and ignored the fact that Tom had made this a posted local rule with signs directing the practice at the near end of the hazard followed by a marked and designated drop zone on the far end of the hazard.

     Well, Bill insisted upon driving the cart the additional 150 yards or so to the far end of the hazard to drop and attempt a (simple for most) 10 yard chip to the green before him from there where he knew he could get up and down in no more that 3 -5 additional shots. Understand, we were playing for $$$; $15 buckaroonies apiece per round and the other two foursomes on the course were not available to discuss it at the time. Bill was delighted to discover that there was in fact a designated drop zone marked by a sign and further delighted to hear me curse and exclaim that I did not have a camera at the ready. Perhaps he, and Mark (who was later discovered to have done the identical thing), will be less delighted to discover that while Snapper lacked a camera at the ready to take the picture to the actual sign, that he did not lack the balls or forsight to take the sign to the picture (allegedly).

     Let the Snapper website followers decide. Were Bill and Mark correct to have taken their distance and invoked the "quicker you get into the s***, the quicker you can drop on the other side" Snapper practice?

To drop, or not to drop?

[Return to Menu:]


2004 Season Closes With More Controversy
September 4, 2004

Season kudos go out to...

2004 Champs:  Steve Markunas 
  Dave Wolfenden 
Most Improved Avg:  Mark Blevins (-4.78) 
Most Deteriorated Avg:  Ron Richardson (+5.98) 
Cost Effective Award:  Bill Cape - 56.71 
Low Round Actual:  Mike Rehbein - 36 
Low Round Net:  Greg Carlson - 27 
Asshole-of-the-year:  TBA (after league vote) 

The most dramatic side-bar in the league's final week was the question of who would win the Cost Effective (high average) award between Cape and Kachelski. Cape entered the contest needing to best Tim's score by 4 shots to avoid this dubious distinction. Little Timmy, still emotionally scarred from last year's Snapper cap and speech ceremony, was motivated to pass the honor to Bill this year. The question is, how low would Timmy stoop to accomplish this?

Controversy-of-the-day:
It was position night, so therefore Timmy's team was the last group into the clubhouse (Can you spot the redundancy in the last sentence?). It was time to play out this last bit of drama and learn who had won the high average award. Bill, by his play and his negotiating, had carded a 54, which meant Timmy needed a 57 or less to give Bill the dishonor.

When asked for the scorecard, Timmy feigned a look of surprise, and then stated he couldn't find it! A roar of protest erupted from the beer deck, and a full procedural debate ensued. Timmy testified on his own behalf, recreating his score on a blank card, hole-by-hole. I tallied his score and announced, "56!"

Bill immediately objected, asking for his own blank scorecard to be fair. Snapper began quoting statutes and legalese that basically made the case that, if a defendant is known to have had possession of evidence, yet fails to produce this evidence, than the evidence is assumed to be against him.

Prosecutor Snapper concluded by stating that Timmy's score should reflect a score that is one stroke more than necessary to win the high average award. Timmy objected by asking if his word was being questioned. A Snapper's integrity, let alone their memory be trusted?

The matter was put to a vote on whether or not to accept Timmy's reproduced scorecard. Timmy narrowly won the vote and the right to keep his new card, due more to a lack of interest at this point (numerous abstains) than to any real groundswell of support. Sorry Bill!


Jerry,

I have taken the time to plot the spread of high to low golf score vs. the current handicap of each member of the Snapper's Golf League. (Guess which dot is you) I was hoping to see some kind of trend and to be able to predict with some kind of accuracy how each player will perform. Careful analysis of the chart (looked at it long and hard like one of those 3D pictures) shows that the constellation Orion tends to appear after a while. Oh well, back to the bar.......

Steve Peltier
Supervisor, Customer Support Engineering
Delphi Energy & Chassis

Clearly, this man is a visionary. I believe I am just below the left nipple area.

[Return to Menu:]


Ranger Stan's Game of Golf!
For 2 to 6 Players - OBJECT:You play the role of "Stan," the newly hired Ranger at Sugarbush golf course. Have the highest point total at the end of the game to win, and be promoted to the after hours parking lot guard!

GAME PLAY: Spin the spinner and move your miniature plastic ranger golf cart, complete with flag pole on the back, around the board. Collect points for insulting the paying guests on the course. Bonus points awarded for disrupting player's swings by putting cart in reverse! Be a miserable old coot by sending players on wild goose chases. Tell them you saw their errant drives land safely on the other side of some trees, only to tell them after five minutes of fruitless searching that it "must have been a bird" you saw. Call out "cart paths only" on any dry hole where golfers carts are already on the fairway, then scream insults at them when they move in any direction.

HOW TO SCORE: Your miserable demeanor resulted in...
1) Returned insults (5 points each)
2) A barrage of fists (10 points each)
3) Complaints to the course golf pro (20 points each)


DHOTD Award Announced
June 12, 2004
We felt that Stan, The course ranger man, was deserving of some kind of special recognition for his enthusiastic lack of customer service on his first week. It was even suggested that Stan be the recipient of the asshole-of-the-day award (AOTD).

The AOTD award is as old as the league itself, and is certainly our most prestigious award. It is even documented that golf rangers have won this award in the past, so Stan would not be breaking new ground. However, there has always been a lighthearted aspect to the AOTD, a warm and fuzzy feeling that Stan does not begin to conjure. That is why this new award was created! This DHOTD award. Congratulations Stan! You big DH!

[Return to Menu:]


Naked Dave's "Thought of the Day"
June 5, 2004
Guest Column By Naked Dave/ Snapper News
(Sound of crickets)Pardon me if I sound like Keyshaun Johnson here, but like Mr. Johnson, I too love my name and enjoy a third person narrative. Naked Dave thinks that having Naked Dave's thought of the day was a great idea. At first Naked Dave thought, hmm is Blade calling attention to the fact that Naked Dave doesn't say much or was it that deep down inside, you, Blade, saw a philosopher in the kid sitting quietly enjoying his Budweiser.

Perhaps it was a combination of the two, either way it got Naked Dave thinking...philosophizing if you will. Soon thoughts began to enter Naked Dave's head like children to the sandbox. Naked Dave's first thought occurred while "seeing a man about a horse" in the woods of hole number 16. The thought, although simple, was, do flies pee just like me? Afraid of AOTD nomination, Naked Dave withheld this first thought. Upon further exploration of the nickname Naked Dave and with a little inspiration from Shang, I began to feel like Confucius ... Although detrimental to score, not driving past ladies tees good and legitimate way to cool off. These thoughts are just a few of what goes on inside of quiet, Naked Dave's head. Sank you

[Return to Menu:]


Yes Christopher, There Is A Snapper Claus -
But I'm Sorry Virginia, That Santa Guy Is Dead!
April, 2004
Editorial By DaBlade/ Snapper News

Everyone knows that Timmy K. sheds golf partners more frequently than Janet Jackson exposes nip. Usually it's because his partners quit, having inexplicably lost their love for the game. When Tony Do quit on Timmy last year, Chris "Li'l Snapper" Carlson stepped in as Tim's partner mid-season and played all but the last few weeks in August, having to return to school and a resumption in his studies (namely: beer, poker and girls). So how does Little Tim return the favor? Instead of waiting for Chris to quit on him, Tim beat him to the punch and found a new partner (at least for a few weeks).

So when Snapper forwarded a recent e-mail from Chris inquiring about a spot in the league this year, It reminded me of the heartfelt letter that little 8-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon sent to the New York Sun in 1897. In the letter, she writes, "Papa says, 'If it's in The Sun, it's so.' Please tell the truth, is there a Santa Claus?" The famous cerebral response by reporter Francis P. Church has endured and been inspirational to all 8-yr-old children with Masters Degrees or otherwise smart enough to understand it.

So sit back, relax and read Li'l Snapper's heart wrenching and pleading letter to his father. My Francis P. Church inspired response follows. Have a box of tissue close by if you tear up easily from emotional scenes.

    yo pops,
    Out of curiosity I was wondering if I was any of the following: welcome back, counted on, considered, considered and dismissed, would be considered, needed, on the sub list, or in any other way associated with the Snappers next season. I don't know if you had planned on me playing, or even if there would be a space. So let me know what the situation is, I would be interested in playing either as a member or occasional sub no matter what my arrangement is as far as what city I'll be located in this summer.
    Chris

(An open letter response from "uncle" DaBlade...)
Christopher, your friend Little Timmy is wrong. He has been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age, and he consequently dumped you as a partner this year. You see Chris, in this great universe of ours Timmy is a mere insect, an ant in his intellect, and should seek enlightenment through the consumption of green apple pucker.

Yes, Christopher, there is a Snapper Claus allowing for Carlson's to join the league at any time. It exists as certainly as your uncle Greg wears plaid boxers as outer wear. Alas! How dreary the league would be if there were no Snapper Claus. It would be as dreary as the absence of beer carts patrolling the sun baked fairways, or a well timed pick-pick to make your bogie! Not believe in a Snapper Claus! You might as well not believe in foot wedges!

No Snapper Claus! Thank God! It lives, and it lives forever. A thousand years from now, Christopher, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, the Snapper League will continue to make glad the hearts of golf hacks of Carlson descent.

[Return to Menu:]


Guess Who Is First Off-Season AOTD Winner!?
March, 2004
Editorial By DaBlade/ Snapper News

Larry Guess accomplishes the unprecedented by winning the Asshole-of-the-Day (AOTD) award more than two months before the opening shank to start the season. It seems Larry spends an inordinate amount of time on-line, and his cyber surfing for golf tips has left him disoriented. How else can you explain him getting his house confused with his computer? It all started with the following e-mail correspondence between Snapper and Larry...

    Subject: your address 03/01/2004 10:06 AM
    Larry; I am sending out golf league info and I do not have your home address in my computer. Please e-mail it to me. Thanks. RAC

    At 02:00 PM 3/1/04 -0500, you wrote:
    Rick,
    My home address is laguess09@aol.com Thanks...
    Larry

    03/01/2004 02:26 PM
    Larry: It is a good thing we are not in season with the A.O.T.D. award in play because one of us would get it for this unsuccessful attempt to communicate with each other. Thank you for your aol address at your home computer. I typed on the envelope I intend to put a stamp on and place in the mailbox, but something about it does not look exactly right. Can I please have your home residential address where your house is with a number and a street name and a city and state and 5 digit zip code??????? Please feel free to call if this is not clear............

Please note in the first sentence of Snappers' diplomatic and compassionate retort, that he assumes Larry has dodged the AOTD award, as "we are not in season." This assumption seems to be supported by the following statement in the preamble portion of the Snapper Rules, "(AOTD award)... is discretionary and determined by weekly nominations and majority vote in the clubhouse at the conclusion of play." Since Larry's faux pas was not discussed in "the clubhouse at the conclusion of play," he is off the hook, right?

I would argue that this strict interpretation would not be in the spirit of the framers and founding fathers. After all, haven't AOTD winners been selected on the beer deck and in the last hole gallery? Haven't we established that "the clubhouse" is terminology used to define a collection of Snappers? Furthermore, using Larry's own logic, can't "the clubhouse" be defined as the internet, as it connects the Snapper League (sans Timmy K.) electronically?

As for the "at the conclusion of play" bit, I really haven't found a way around that. However, in this day and age of judicial activism, do I really have to? So please feel free to congratulate Larry on his award by e-mailing him (yes, it is his actual home e-mail address used above). Just don't try to send him a note "snail mail" using it...

[Return to Menu:]


Cryo Freeze Your Club Heads
February, 2004
Product Review By DaBlade/ Snapper News
JeLLy-scicle

DAVISON, Mi.-- I was reading the Sports section in the local newspaper the other day and an advertisement caught my eye. No, it wasn't the one from Nathan J's, one of the numerous gentlemen's clubs in Flint, advertising "Foxy Boxing" and "Real Babes! Real Blows!" with an inset picture of a hot blonde babe with a sexy pout. I don't pay any attention to those ads, as they are demeaning to woman.

The ad I was referring to was for a sale at the "Inside Swing Dome," which is not another gentlemen's club, although it would be a good name for one. It was for a golf sale, and the ad featured "NEW Cryo (Frozen) Drivers." I was confused as to why anyone would want to freeze his driver, but no other information was forthcoming in the ad. And then I remembered the story about the great Ted Williams, and how his head was cryogenically frozen, floating in a vat of liquid nitrogen. If I wasn't mistaken, his hope was to be thawed out sometime in the future when medical technology advanced to the point where they could cure what ailed him. Mainly, how do you play baseball while you are only a severed head? Sure, you're giving up a smaller strike zone, but tell me how you get around on a fast ball?

It became clear that I had to have my driver cryogenically frozen. Maybe some day in the distant future of our planet, scientists will have the technology to thaw my driver and determine why it can't hit a golf ball 200 yards. When they do, I want to be there! So I called the number in the ad to inquire how much it would cost to be frozen with my driver. I told the man that, unlike Williams, I required a large enough cylinder to hold my body as well as my head because of the added difficulty of hitting a nice golf shot as just a severed head. I obviously had thought this through.

My phone kept disconnecting, so I drove to see the man. On the way, I daydreamed about the future, and the irony of it all if we evolved to the point where the human race was just a bunch of heads rolling around. It would probably have a negative impact on the numerous gentlemen's clubs, and be yet another economic blow to the city of Flint. When I arrived at the Inside Swing Dome, I noticed a stack of pamphlets that had information on the "NEW Cryo (Frozen) Drivers."

    Cryo-Forging is a cryogenic club-tuning process. Club heads are exposed to extreme cold temperatures for a one-time cryogenic treatment-changing their metal's characteristics-neutralizing their molecular vibration. The club head is removed from the shaft, then placed in our cryogenic chamber. The ambient temperature of the chamber is cooled with liquid nitrogen. The result is a club that hits the ball an additional 12-15 yards on average!
It seemed that some of my assumptions about the purpose of cryo freezing clubs were wrong, but this news was even better than I had hoped! I could have my driver frozen and get it back before the heads started to roll. If it worked as advertised, I'd be driving the ball farther in no time at all! The only problem was the price. $30 bucks per club for this process!

Disillusioned, I left the establishment for home. I will attempt a do-it-yourself project and bury my driver in a snow bank behind my house. Feeling proud of myself for being so frugal, I've decided to reward myself by taking advantage of the sign advertising "drink shot specials." Can I help it if my "favorite waitress" will be "going a few rounds" in the boxing ring?
[Return to Menu:]


Have You Checked Your COR Lately?
January 12, 2004
Essay By DaBlade/ Snapper News

DAVISON, Mi.-- Attention golfers! Tiger Woods has questions concerning your coefficient of restitution and he (read with Schwartzenegger accent here) wants to have them answered immediately!

The "coefficient of restitution," or COR, is the trampoline effect of your driver's sweet spot. The USGA's limit for COR is 0.83 and can be determined with a $4,000 "pendulum tester." The USGA has sold six of these devices to the PGA tour, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the PGA Tour is as frugal with their member's money as the US government is with the tax revenue.

Will the madness ever end! First we had golfers seeking an edge with square grooves and non-conforming balls, and now the concern is juiced drivers. This problem is not unique to golf. Throughout sports history, some athletes have sought means by which to give themselves an unfair advantage over their peers. No, I'm not talking about steroid use and other performance-enhancing drugs (like Green Apple Pucker). I'm talking about illegal equipment.

Baseball has the corked bat and spitballs, both against the rules of the game. Hockey has the occasional sticks with illegal curves and oversized goalie pads. Even in ancient times, the Gladiator with the longest spear was usually victorious (and everyone knows that Milton Berle's oversized equipment made him funnier than his comedic peers).

Games evolve from one time period to the next, and the rules tend to follow suit. After all, it isn't cheating until it breaks a rule. James Naismith, the Canadian doctor and the founding father of basketball in 1891, probably never considered that the height of a player's 'fro could inhibit a shooter's line of sight to the goal. How long before we see a Ben Wallace (Detroit Piston's Center) amendment to the rules of basketball that mandates cornrows for the follicly endowed?

Technological advances sometimes necessitate changes in the "rules of the game" so as to ensure the spirit and integrity of the game. This is a good thing. I mean, how much fun would it be to watch the next generation of nuclear tipped drivers smote every par-5 green.

The PGA is not making the COR test mandatory just yet. Tiger Woods, fittingly, was the first player to voluntarily have his club inspected at the Mercedes Championships last week. PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem, who obviously never golfed on the Snapper League, was quoted as stating, "This is a game of honor and integrity. It will continue to be that way."

It is in this spirit of sportsmanship that I plan on making COR testing mandatory for the Snapper League next season. As a result, I think we can count on two things for certain. Dues may be slightly higher next year, and my driver may be the only one manufactured with the defect of a minus COR.
[Return to Menu:]

News Archives

Old Snapper News Archive

Click here for
News Menu
Keeping myself amused since 2001