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2004 Snapper News! Welcome to the inside scoop. DaBlade hits the road so you don't have to, to report the news you really don't care about. 
2004 Snapper News Links:
Snapper Christmas wish list;
Snapper Christmas Wish List...in hopes that St. Snapper soon would be there. |
| 2004 Champs: | Steve Markunas |
| Dave Wolfenden | |
| Most Improved Avg: | Mark Blevins (-4.78) |
| Most Deteriorated Avg: | Ron Richardson (+5.98) |
| Cost Effective Award: | Bill Cape - 56.71 |
| Low Round Actual: | Mike Rehbein - 36 |
| Low Round Net: | Greg Carlson - 27 |
| Asshole-of-the-year: | TBA (after league vote) |
The most dramatic side-bar in the league's final week was the question of who would win the Cost Effective (high average) award between Cape and Kachelski. Cape entered the contest needing to best Tim's score by 4 shots to avoid this dubious distinction. Little Timmy, still emotionally scarred from last year's Snapper cap and speech ceremony, was motivated to pass the honor to Bill this year. The question is, how low would Timmy stoop to accomplish this?
Controversy-of-the-day:
It was position night, so therefore Timmy's team was the last group into the clubhouse (Can you spot the redundancy in the last sentence?). It was time to play out this last bit of drama and learn who had won the high average award. Bill, by his play and his negotiating, had carded a 54, which meant Timmy needed a 57 or less to give Bill the dishonor.
When asked for the scorecard, Timmy feigned a look of surprise, and then stated he couldn't find it! A roar of protest erupted from the beer deck, and a full procedural debate ensued. Timmy testified on his own behalf, recreating his score on a blank card, hole-by-hole. I tallied his score and announced, "56!"
Bill immediately objected, asking for his own blank scorecard to be fair. Snapper began quoting statutes and legalese that basically made the case that, if a defendant is known to have had possession of evidence, yet fails to produce this evidence, than the evidence is assumed to be against him.
Prosecutor Snapper concluded by stating that Timmy's score should reflect a score that is one stroke more than necessary to win the high average award. Timmy objected by asking if his word was being questioned. A Snapper's integrity, let alone their memory be trusted?
The matter was put to a vote on whether or not to accept Timmy's reproduced scorecard. Timmy narrowly won the vote and the right to keep his new card, due more to a lack of interest at this point (numerous abstains) than to any real groundswell of support. Sorry Bill!
I have taken the time to plot the spread of high to low golf score vs. the current handicap of each member of the Snapper's Golf League. (Guess which dot is you) I was hoping to see some kind of trend and to be able to predict with some kind of accuracy how each player will perform. Careful analysis of the chart (looked at it long and hard like one of those 3D pictures) shows that the constellation Orion tends to appear after a while. Oh well, back to the bar.......
Steve Peltier
Supervisor, Customer Support Engineering
Delphi Energy & Chassis
Clearly, this man is a visionary. I believe I am just below the left nipple area.
For 2 to 6 Players - OBJECT:You play the role of "Stan," the newly hired Ranger at Sugarbush golf course. Have the highest point total at the end of the game to win, and be promoted to the after hours parking lot guard!
GAME PLAY: Spin the spinner and move your miniature plastic ranger golf cart, complete with flag pole on the back, around the board. Collect points for insulting the paying guests on the course. Bonus points awarded for disrupting player's swings by putting cart in reverse! Be a miserable old coot by sending players on wild goose chases. Tell them you saw their errant drives land safely on the other side of some trees, only to tell them after five minutes of fruitless searching that it "must have been a bird" you saw. Call out "cart paths only" on any dry hole where golfers carts are already on the fairway, then scream insults at them when they move in any direction.
HOW TO SCORE: Your miserable demeanor resulted in...
1) Returned insults (5 points each)
2) A barrage of fists (10 points each)
3) Complaints to the course golf pro (20 points each)
We felt that Stan, The course ranger man, was deserving of some kind of special recognition for his enthusiastic lack of customer service on his first week. It was even suggested that Stan be the recipient of the asshole-of-the-day award (AOTD).
The AOTD award is as old as the league itself, and is certainly our most prestigious award. It is even documented that golf rangers have won this award in the past, so Stan would not be breaking new ground. However, there has always been a lighthearted aspect to the AOTD, a warm and fuzzy feeling that Stan does not begin to conjure. That is why this new award was created! This DHOTD award. Congratulations Stan! You big DH!
Pardon me if I sound like Keyshaun Johnson here, but like Mr. Johnson, I too love my name and enjoy a third person narrative. Naked Dave thinks that having Naked Dave's thought of the day was a great idea. At first Naked Dave thought, hmm is Blade calling attention to the fact that Naked Dave doesn't say much or was it that deep down inside, you, Blade, saw a philosopher in the kid sitting quietly enjoying his Budweiser.
Perhaps it was a combination of the two, either way it got Naked Dave thinking...philosophizing if you will. Soon thoughts began to enter Naked Dave's head like children to the sandbox. Naked Dave's first thought occurred while "seeing a man about a horse" in the woods of hole number 16. The thought, although simple, was, do flies pee just like me? Afraid of AOTD nomination, Naked Dave withheld this first thought. Upon further exploration of the nickname Naked Dave and with a little inspiration from Shang, I began to feel like Confucius ... Although detrimental to score, not driving past ladies tees good and legitimate way to cool off. These thoughts are just a few of what goes on inside of quiet, Naked Dave's head. Sank you
Everyone knows that Timmy K. sheds golf partners more frequently than Janet Jackson exposes nip. Usually it's because his partners quit, having inexplicably lost their love for the game. When Tony Do quit on Timmy last year, Chris "Li'l Snapper" Carlson stepped in as Tim's partner mid-season and played all but the last few weeks in August, having to return to school and a resumption in his studies (namely: beer, poker and girls). So how does Little Tim return the favor? Instead of waiting for Chris to quit on him, Tim beat him to the punch and found a new partner (at least for a few weeks).
So when Snapper forwarded a recent e-mail from Chris inquiring about a spot in the league this year, It reminded me of the heartfelt letter that little 8-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon sent to the New York Sun in 1897. In the letter, she writes, "Papa says, 'If it's in The Sun, it's so.' Please tell the truth, is there a Santa Claus?" The famous cerebral response by reporter Francis P. Church has endured and been inspirational to all 8-yr-old children with Masters Degrees or otherwise smart enough to understand it.
So sit back, relax and read Li'l Snapper's heart wrenching and pleading letter to his father. My Francis P. Church inspired response follows. Have a box of tissue close by if you tear up easily from emotional scenes.
(An open letter response from "uncle" DaBlade...)
Yes, Christopher, there is a Snapper Claus allowing for Carlson's to join the league at any time. It exists as certainly as your uncle Greg wears plaid boxers as outer wear. Alas! How dreary the league would be if there were no Snapper Claus. It would be as dreary as the absence of beer carts patrolling the sun baked fairways, or a well timed pick-pick to make your bogie! Not believe in a Snapper Claus! You might as well not believe in foot wedges!
No Snapper Claus! Thank God! It lives, and it lives forever. A thousand years from now, Christopher, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, the Snapper League will continue to make glad the hearts of golf hacks of Carlson descent.
Christopher, your friend Little Timmy is wrong. He has been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age, and he consequently dumped you as a partner this year. You see Chris, in this great universe of ours Timmy is a mere insect, an ant in his intellect, and should seek enlightenment through the consumption of green apple pucker.
Larry Guess accomplishes the unprecedented by winning the Asshole-of-the-Day (AOTD) award more than two months before the opening shank to start the season. It seems Larry spends an inordinate amount of time on-line, and his cyber surfing for golf tips has left him disoriented. How else can you explain him getting his house confused with his computer? It all started with the following e-mail correspondence between Snapper and Larry…
Subject: your address 03/01/2004 10:06 AM
Larry; I am sending out golf league info and I do not have your home
address in my computer. Please e-mail it to me. Thanks. RAC
At 02:00 PM 3/1/04 -0500, you wrote:
Rick,
My home address is laguess09@aol.com Thanks...
Larry
03/01/2004 02:26 PM
Larry: It is a good thing we are not in season with the A.O.T.D. award in
play because one of us would get it for this unsuccessful attempt to
communicate with each other. Thank you for your aol address at your home
computer. I typed on the envelope I intend to put a stamp on and place in
the mailbox, but something about it does not look exactly right. Can I
please have your home residential address where your house is with a number
and a street name and a city and state and 5 digit zip code??????? Please
feel free to call if this is not clear............
Please note in the first sentence of Snappers' diplomatic and compassionate retort, that he assumes Larry has dodged the AOTD award, as "we are not in season." This assumption seems to be supported by the following statement in the preamble portion of the Snapper Rules, "(AOTD award)… is discretionary and determined by weekly nominations and majority vote in the clubhouse at the conclusion of play." Since Larry's faux pas was not discussed in "the clubhouse at the conclusion of play," he is off the hook, right?
I would argue that this strict interpretation would not be in the spirit of the framers and founding fathers. After all, haven't AOTD winners been selected on the beer deck and in the last hole gallery? Haven't we established that "the clubhouse" is terminology used to define a collection of Snappers? Furthermore, using Larry's own logic, can't "the clubhouse" be defined as the internet, as it connects the Snapper League (sans Timmy K.) electronically?
As for the "at the conclusion of play" bit, I really haven't found a way around that. However, in this day and age of judicial activism, do I really have to? So please feel free to congratulate Larry on his award by e-mailing him (yes, it is his actual home e-mail address used above). Just don't try to send him a note "snail mail" using it…
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DAVISON, Mi.-- I was reading the Sports section in the local newspaper the other day and an advertisement caught my eye. No, it wasn't the one from Nathan J's, one of the numerous gentlemen's clubs in Flint, advertising "Foxy Boxing" and "Real Babes! Real Blows!" with an inset picture of a hot blonde babe with a sexy pout. I don't pay any attention to those ads, as they are demeaning to woman.
The ad I was referring to was for a sale at the "Inside Swing Dome," which is not another gentlemen's club, although it would be a good name for one. It was for a golf sale, and the ad featured "NEW Cryo (Frozen) Drivers." I was confused as to why anyone would want to freeze his driver, but no other information was forthcoming in the ad. And then I remembered the story about the great Ted Williams, and how his head was cryogenically frozen, floating in a vat of liquid nitrogen. If I wasn't mistaken, his hope was to be thawed out sometime in the future when medical technology advanced to the point where they could cure what ailed him. Mainly, how do you play baseball while you are only a severed head? Sure, you're giving up a smaller strike zone, but tell me how you get around on a fast ball?
It became clear that I had to have my driver cryogenically frozen. Maybe some day in the distant future of our planet, scientists will have the technology to thaw my driver and determine why it can't hit a golf ball 200 yards. When they do, I want to be there! So I called the number in the ad to inquire how much it would cost to be frozen with my driver. I told the man that, unlike Williams, I required a large enough cylinder to hold my body as well as my head because of the added difficulty of hitting a nice golf shot as just a severed head. I obviously had thought this through.
My phone kept disconnecting, so I drove to see the man. On the way, I daydreamed about the future, and the irony of it all if we evolved to the point where the human race was just a bunch of heads rolling around. It would probably have a negative impact on the numerous gentlemen's clubs, and be yet another economic blow to the city of Flint. When I arrived at the Inside Swing Dome, I noticed a stack of pamphlets that had information on the "NEW Cryo (Frozen) Drivers."
Disillusioned, I left the establishment for home. I will attempt a do-it-yourself project and bury my driver in a snow bank behind my house. Feeling proud of myself for being so frugal, I've decided to reward myself by taking advantage of the sign advertising "drink shot specials." Can I help it if my "favorite waitress" will be "going a few rounds" in the boxing ring?
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DAVISON, Mi.-- Attention golfers! Tiger Woods has questions concerning your coefficient of restitution and he (read with Schwartzenegger accent here) wants to have them answered immediately!
The "coefficient of restitution," or COR, is the trampoline effect of your driver's sweet spot. The USGA's limit for COR is 0.83 and can be determined with a $4,000 "pendulum tester." The USGA has sold six of these devices to the PGA tour, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the PGA Tour is as frugal with their member's money as the US government is with the tax revenue.
Will the madness ever end! First we had golfers seeking an edge with square grooves and non-conforming balls, and now the concern is juiced drivers. This problem is not unique to golf. Throughout sports history, some athletes have sought means by which to give themselves an unfair advantage over their peers. No, I'm not talking about steroid use and other performance-enhancing drugs (like Green Apple Pucker). I'm talking about illegal equipment.
Baseball has the corked bat and spitballs, both against the rules of the game. Hockey has the occasional sticks with illegal curves and oversized goalie pads. Even in ancient times, the Gladiator with the longest spear was usually victorious (and everyone knows that Milton Berle's oversized equipment made him funnier than his comedic peers).
Games evolve from one time period to the next, and the rules tend to follow suit. After all, it isn't cheating until it breaks a rule. James Naismith, the Canadian doctor and the founding father of basketball in 1891, probably never considered that the height of a player's 'fro could inhibit a shooter's line of sight to the goal. How long before we see a Ben Wallace (Detroit Piston's Center) amendment to the rules of basketball that mandates cornrows for the follicly endowed?
Technological advances sometimes necessitate changes in the "rules of the game" so as to ensure the spirit and integrity of the game. This is a good thing. I mean, how much fun would it be to watch the next generation of nuclear tipped drivers smote every par-5 green.
The PGA is not making the COR test mandatory just yet. Tiger Woods, fittingly, was the first player to voluntarily have his club inspected at the Mercedes Championships last week. PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem, who obviously never golfed on the Snapper League, was quoted as stating, "This is a game of honor and integrity. It will continue to be that way."
It is in this spirit of sportsmanship that I plan on making COR testing mandatory for the Snapper League next season. As a result, I think we can count on two things for certain. Dues may be slightly higher next year, and my driver may be the only one manufactured with the defect of a minus COR.
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