Snapper News!

2003 Snapper News Links:


FRED COUPLES WITH ANNIKA!!; 
There but for the Grace of God, go the Glacial Twins; 
Hacker's Lament; 
British Open Time! Who Wants It Baby!?"; 
From "Rain" to "Reign of Terror?"; 
Snapper Hatchling Arrives at Sugarbush Shore; 
Snapper "Educator" Intolerant of Ranger; 
Loose Grips Sink Chips; 
Snapper Golf League Sitcom?; 
You Say "Colin", I Say "Colon"; 
Not So Fast, Sorenstam!; 
Human Shield or Cannon Fodder?; 
Zoeller Disqualification Goofy; 
This Week in Sports; 
DaBlade's Stroke Savers; 
Today Augusta, Tomorrow the Snappers?; 


FRED COUPLES WITH ANNIKA!!
December 2, 2003
Editorial By DaBlade/ Snapper News

LA QUINTA, Calif.-- Fred Couples wins the 21st annual Skins Game, his fourth win at this event, making him a "Fore Skin" award winner. Couples also has won at the Trilogy, Landmark and Rancho LaQuinta. His winnings of $2,875,000 in his 10 visits is the most of anyone in Skins Game history. Yippee skippee!

I must admit that I didn't watch any of this competition on the TV. Excuse me for not getting excited by this field of Fred Couples, Phil Mickelson, Mark O'Meara, and that chick golfer Annika Sorenstam. Not exactly up there with Nicklaus, Palmer, Watson, and Player is it? Nothing against these four individuals, but there is not one character or legend in the bunch. If the tryptophan from the leftover turkey didn't put you to sleep, this crew surely did. I want Fuzzy, or Chi Chi, or Trevino! I want trash talkers, golf club sword fighters, whistlers, and loose change jigglers.

No, I'm not forgetting that Sorenstam was the first female to play in the skins game. Woo woo! Frankly, this theme of a girl playing with the big boys has worn kind of thin, and could have ended at the Colonial if you ask me. While Sorenstam is a fine golfer, this golf event is more about ratings and entertainment. That said, spell Annika with Pamela Anderson next year and watch the ratings erect...errr.... I mean go up.

If there are no characters left in today's PGA field, maybe it's time to open up this event to amateurs. The scores would not be as low, but who cares? Would you rather watch a skin won with a sand wedge eagle by a stone faced professional, or an 8 on a par 4 by an inebriated and highly animated Cape? No contest! The Snappers dream team skins foursome of Cape, Lawless, Fulgham, and Blevins would bring this once glorious event back from the ratings abyss.

Oh, and Annika? Do you have any experience driving a beverage cart and making change?
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There but for the Grace of God, go the Glacial Twins
September 10, 2003
Editorial By DaBlade/ Snapper News

Two slow-moving golfers playing in the final group of their golf league were viciously assaulted with golf clubs by two men playing behind the league who were evidently desirous of speedier play. The attack, which occurred Monday, September 8, at The Preserve, in northern Livingston County, left both victims with head injuries, one less one ear. (Full Story: Click Here )

39-year-old Kevin Cosey and 38-year-old James McKissic are charged with assault and face a possible 4-year prison term if convicted. Hopefully these two will become the resident house caddies in prison, serving as the ball and club washers while paying their debt to society.

Let me get this straight. These two clowns tee off behind a golf league and become angry that play is too slow? Sloth-like, hacks unite! I advocate the death penalty for these two yahoos. They have desecrated the sanctity of the golf course. They have spilt the blood of the innocent. They have "gripped it and ripped it" in anger towards their fellow linksters, and for that there should be no mercy.

These two cowards are lucky they never found themselves behind the Snapper league. Make no mistake, some of our league is not known for its speed-of-play, and we would have drawn the ire of these two hooligans. However, the first ball hit into our group would have been the last time these two gutless wonders would have had the use of their hands. Snapper's 24 league members, with their 47 functioning eyes, know full well the potential danger on the course when no one is TRYING to hit you. Be forewarned.
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Hacker's Lament
August 7, 2003
Annual Daydream By DaBlade/ Snapper News

Warwick Hills, Grand Blanc, MI.-- The 17th hole at Warwick Hills lived up to its reputation as one of the rowdiest on the PGA Tour in Sunday's final round of the Buick Open. "Seventeen is a bit boisterous...you have some important 4- and 5-footers and someone's yelling Pick it up! It's good." said Chris DiMarco. "I said to Kenny, I'd love to find out where a few of these guys who are really drunk and yelling work, get myself a cooler with a 12-pack, and go into their work the next day and drink some beer and yell at them."

It's been a week since the Buick Open and not one professional golfer has stopped by my place of employment to cheer me. I even set up ropes outside my office for spectators to crowd up around. I made a little placard that says "Quiet Please" and stapled it to the back of my ruler. I plan on raising it to hush the crowd when I need that extra bit of concentration (during a game of PC solitaire of course.)

I imagine my secretary bringing in a stack of paper work due in accounting that requires my initials. She hands me a pen. I line up and address the stack. Like a well-executed wedge in knee-high rough, I put my "JC" on each sheet, then toss the pen to my secretary to carry to my next assignment. "You Da Man!!," rings throughout the office as I nail a sales call. Polite applause, when I narrowly miss appropriate punctuation on an inner-office memo. I purse my lips into more of a grimace than the smile intended, and I give that quick half-hearted wave to acknowledge the fans for their appreciation of my failed effort.

The phone rings and I awaken from my dream with my face lying in a pool of my desk drool. I'm momentarily disoriented, as my eyes adjust to my office computer monitor. I holler "Quiet please" to the ringing phone as I continue my solitaire game already in progress.

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British Open Time! Who Wants It Baby!

You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!
--Austin Powers

July 17, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

SANDWICH, England -- The wind prevailed in the opening round of the British Open at Royal St. George's in Sandwich, England Thursday. (Sandwich? I guess it beats the hell out of living in a town called "Flushing.") The wind gusted fiercely, turning shot after shot astray, and giving hole number one worse teeth than your typical 12-year-old British internet chatting runaway.

Tiger Woods eats a fecal sandwich by flushing his ball down the toilet that is hole number one by losing his drive and making a triple-bogie 7. Uncanny! That was exactly the way I started MY round at Sugarbush Royal St. "Pain-in-the-Ass" in league-play action Thursday. For a brief snapshot in time, Tiger and I were playing the same game!

Which got me to thinking. Maybe I don't really suck at golf after all. Maybe my game is more in tune with the European game. Maybe I'd be a STAR in Europe. Crazier things have happened. They go for Jerry Lewis in France and David Hasselhoff in Germany after all.

What's the difference in golf American style versus overseas you ask? "The game in the States is played in the air. In Europe, it's played on the ground for the most part," stated Phil Mickelson, the best left-handed PGA professional never to have won a major. Anyone who has golfed with DaBlade knows that my ball is "mostly on the ground" during play (except on occasional putts when I sometimes tend to get a little air), proving my theory that I'd be a European star.

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From "Rain" to "Reign of Terror?"
June 26, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

    "In days of old, when knights were bold, And journeyed from their castles, Trusty men were left behind, Knights needed not the hassles. They helped themselves to pig and peach, And drank from King's own chalice. Oh, it was a stirring sight These gypsies in the palace."
    -- Gypsies In The Palace, By: Jimmy Buffett

Due in part to a rain cancellation of Snapper League play on Thursday, June 26, (and a desire to complete the 18-week 2003 season before Halloween) 2-out-of-3 Carlson's approved the motion to have league play on Thursday, July 3. Greg was the only dissenter and after he was over-ruled, Dave Lawless callously whispered, "I guess that means the eyes have it!"

While most of you are teeing off next week, Snapper, Greg and I (with families sans Chris in tow) will be de-boarding a canoe (hopefully uninjured) after floating carelessly down the Au Sable River on a 4-hour cruise. To address a potential constitutional crisis arising from having a league night without the presence of even one voting Carlson, it was decided that 3 league members assume the mantle of power in our absence to settle disputes. It was decided that Chris "Lil Snapper" Carlson, Scott Cowan, and Bill Cape act in our stead and were given full voting rights for next week.

This unprecedented bloodless "coup d'etat" may have unforeseen repercussions that go beyond July 3rd. In our haste to transfer power, it was later discovered that we didn't set parameters on these voting privileges by insisting they interpret existing rules (when appropriate) and not legislate new ones. It is also possible that existing rules are struck down by the new Snapper court. Will the Cowan/Peltier revision survive? How about the ability to authorize your own gimmee putt? Will the statute forbidding the torture of small animals be overturned?

Cape, who was given the added responsibility of taking charge of "The Book," was obviously drunk with the sweet nectar of omnipotence. He waved "The Book" around violently, demanding that fellow league members must now treat him with proper respect due his newfound lofty status. His request was then satisfied, as he was laughed at, impugned, and made fun of. Throw 'em off the island Bill! You're a Carlson for a day.

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Snapper Hatchling Arrives at Sugarbush Shore

June 5, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

Chris Carlson joins the league next week for the remainder of the year, becoming something like Tim Kachelski's 8th partner in the last 4 years. Chris stated that he wasn't concerned with the "Little Timmy" curse, as he plans to hang garlic around his neck.

No Voting Rights
As you well know, the "2 out of 3" Carlson vote has been the backbone of the Snapper Constitution. This rule of law has guided us through many troubled waters where other leagues would have floundered. This does not change, as Chris will not be granted Carlson voting rights. Quite frankly, he doesn't want them. Who needs the pressure?

AOTD Contender
Chris should provide stiff competition to those who aspire to the asshole-of-the-day award (and who doesn't?). Snapper related this story to me.

    It was senior's week last week at Kalamazoo College. There is a tradition every year where 5 or 6 seniors with the biggest balls will streak a lap around the Quad building. It is traditional for underclassmen to cheer and worship these brave seniors in their audacity and symbolism against authority. Chris, being a Freshman, is evidently not big on tradition. The crowd cheered when the seniors stripped and took off running. The plan was to make a quick lap around the Quad, then make their escape. As they made the turn around the 3rd corner on the home stretch, and much to the delight of the cheering Freshmen, a fully clothed Chris gathered up the pile of senior clothes and led them around the Quad for a couple more unscheduled laps!
Just wanted to let you know what you're up against! Nice job Chris. Some day when you have a son chased by 6 naked men, you'll know why your dad is so proud of you!

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Snapper "Educator" Intolerant of Ranger
May 8, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

D ave Lawless, long time Snapper league member and school teacher in Lapeer, lived up to his surname last week, when he verbally assaulted the Sugarbush Ranger for just attempting to do his job. The ranger, a kindly and elderly Buick retiree (and quite probably a generous grandfather) simply requested that Dave give him the starter slip from the pro shop. The Ranger was unaware of the fact that The Snapper League was late turning in their roster, and therefore not required to produce the necessary starter slip until next week. Instead of giving this valued senior citizen this simple explanation, Dave challenged him by yelling "Come over here you FU#*ER and I'll kick your ass!!"

I'm sorry, mister school teacher and filler of young skulls full of mush, is this how you run your classroom? How would you like it if a student reacted in this manner when asked for an excused absence slip? The fact that he questioned your veracity by calling you a liar does not justify your conduct. The Snapper creed espouses tolerance and inclusiveness. Now shake hands mister!

Believe it or not, Dave was a runner up in the asshole of the day vote.
Click here to see who beat him out. [Return to Menu:]


Loose Grips Sink Chips
May 1, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

T he Snappers kicked off the 2003 season in a torrential downpour, and coupled with the dropping temperatures, the night quickly degraded to a Darwinian survival of the fittest. 23 golfers started the round in overcast skies, but only 17 completed their rain-sodden quest. The 6 casualties (weenies) should note that all 3 Carlson's were survivors and therefore the scores and points go in the books. In fact, on the 18th green and soaked to the bone, suffering from hypothermia and, a possible SARS infection (if the dry hoarse cough is any indication), Greg reached out toward the heavens screaming "is this all you've got!?" He then routinely tapped in for his snowman on this par-4 hole.

Snapper Bites:
In other news, Little Timmy K. not only completed his round, but commented on the fact that the area lawns really needed the rains. Pure magic!

In case you missed her in the oversized rain hood, Betsy the Beer girl is back. Last time we saw Betsy was at Brookwood during the 2000 season, or as we refer to it now, "Hell Year". All is right in the universe once again.

What's up with "The House of Mirrors" bathroom? They charge $7 per ticket on Mackinaw Island for a maze with less mirrors. It makes me uncomfortable when the fellow next to me is looking over his shoulder at the mirror behind him and asks, "does this urinal make my butt look big?" Who designed this bathroom, George Michaels?

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Snapper Golf League Sitcom?
April, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

W e are on the cusp of yet another exciting Snapper Golf League season, full of intrigue, drama, hijinx, buffoonery, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. In other words, much like your typical television prime-time fare. In fact, I dare say that a situation comedy on a major network based upon The Snappers would make for "must see TV." The only missing ingredient would be talented writers that could infuse that ever elusive "comedy" element to our broadcast.

If Seinfeld, a show about nothing in particular, could be so wildly popular, why not a sitcom based upon the Snappers? Who wouldn't tune in to follow this rag-tag bunch comprised of lawyers, executives, mailmen and syrup delivery drivers? Wouldn't it be inspiring to watch these sedentary men toil away in dead-end jobs, dysfunction family units (to secure the "chick" demographic) and lead otherwise pathetic lives (see "The Osbournes"), only to have their week culminating on the golf course, where the sun shines and the beer flows like golden nectar, and hope springs eternal? It'd be like "Cheers" only on the golf course. The Snapper "Asshole-of-the-Day" archives could provide rich material for several seasons.

Based on the dozen or so hits that this website gets on a weekly basis, the show would be assured of finishing higher in the Nielsen Ratings than the latest Susan Sarandon drama. In fact, Sarandon's agent has already contacted DaBlade in the hopes of securing the part of Martha Burk picketing our last-hole-gallery each week.

Speaking of casting, I have Jack Nicholson in mind to play The Snapper. I can almost hear Jack as Snapper screaming, "You can't handle the truth!," as his 300 yard drive surprisingly lands in the fairway for once. Michael Richards (Kramer on Seinfeld) will be reading to play the part of Bill Cape. Jeff Daniels, Michigan native and actor extraordinaire, would be solicited to play me (only if I can negotiate cameo appearances for myself as "the golf club washer boy," earning loose change as I pursue my G.E.D.). Speaking of Jeff Daniels, visit his Jeff Daniels Comedy Golf Jam website at http://www.purplerosetheatre.org/index_files/golf.html

What to title this blockbuster in the making? How about calling it "Golftrix," an obvious rip-off of the movie "Matrix." Keanu Reaves would be cast as Glacier Greg, and would have the power to slow the speed of an onrushing golf ball, acrobatically avoiding getting hit, as he swigs a beer in super-slo-mo. What with the popularity of reality shows like "Joe Millionaire", we could title the show "Joe Beer-ionaire." The possibilities are endless!

I have already made my pitch to various cable and network offices, and I am very pleased with the response I received from CBS. A CBS office clerk sent me an e-mail that threatened legal action against me if I continued to phone or write them. I was also told that any additional e-mails from me would be deleted without being viewed at best, or would be considered "spam," and evidence in any necessary legal proceedings at worst. As I said, I am pleased since it is the only response I've received, and I look forward to continued negotiations with CBS. As they say in the show biz industry, Stay Tuned! [Return to Menu:]


You Say "Colin", I Say "Colon"
April, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

Colin Montgomery has a face like a warthog that has been stung by a wasp.
--- David Feherty, Sports Illustrated, GOLFONLINE

As I write this, American Special Forces are taking craps in Saddam's fancy French styled palace commodes, the Detroit Red Wings will soon begin defense of the Stanley Cup, and it's Masters week at Augusta National Golf Club. Life is good in the house of DaBlade. There are even unconfirmed reports of Iraqi dead-enders taking target practice at our troop's turds as they float by on the banks of the Euphrates River.

Speaking of floating fecal matter, A Snapper reporter, caught up with Colin Montgomerie during a rain-delayed practice round on Monday. Monty was wearing a yellow raincoat, complete with the buckle hasps and the plastic yellow rain hood covering his Shirley Temple mop, with the side panels snapped in front in an attempt to keep his numerous chins dry. Monty will take his 12th crack at losing the moniker "the best golfer never to have won a Major." That has as much chance of happening as Martha Burk bringing a date that isn't wearing a strap-on. The fact of the matter is, Monty doesn't give himself a chance either, as reported in the UK's on-line edition of the Sun. COLIN MONTGOMERIE says he will need a miracle to win the Masters

Our reporter asked Monty what his favorite golf memory was. Monty answered that it was the 1999 Ryder Cup match with Payne Stewart. Standing over the lengthy putt for the 18th green for the win over Stewart, and the Ryder Cup already decided, Stewart conceded the putt and gave Montgomery the match. Was Stewart sympathetic to Colin for the gallery abuse he had been taking, or simply tired of playing with the S.O.B.?

Monty, 40 in June, told our reporter that he is contemplating a transition to the Senior Tour when he turns 50, and is looking forward to becoming known as "the best senior golfer never to have won a Major." In the meantime, Colin realizes the next 10 years on the Tour will likely be filled with heartaches, chokes, miscues, taunts and humiliation. In other words, much like the prior 10 years.

When our Snapper field reporter informed Colin that the Snapper League routinely grants "pick picks" on lengthy putts without the fanfare of Stewart's Ryder Cup gesture, he asked for an application to join the league. He stated that "the increased odds of achieving my dream of finishing in the top ten in a Snapper field of 14 teams greatly intrigues me." However, when he learned that Snappers partake in Apple Pucker and Backwoods smokes as opposed to tea and crumpets, he quickly retracted his application request.

Rick "Snapper" Carlson, league founder and president was quoted as stating, "you know JC it occurred to me, after reading this, I don't think I can win the Masters either, as a matter of fact, if you poll most Snappers (hell most people for that matter) I bet you get mostly people who feel the same way. They just don't go around broadcasting it, like we give a shit. I am more interested in hearing that Monty doesn't see how he can make the leader board even if he draws a number 1 tee time, then we won't have to see and listen to the whiney fat slob. [Return to Menu:]


Not So Fast, Sorenstam!
February, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News
T he Bank of America issued an invitation to LPGA star Annika Sorenstam to play in the Colonial PGA Tour event to take place in May. Like most golf aficionados, I've read wire reports of other columnists chirping in with their two-cents worth, and I have learned a few things.

For example, I know that Sorenstam averages 265 yards off the tee, which would rank her 196th in driving distance on the 2002 PGA Tour. I've also learned that the Colonial, at 7,000 yards, is one of the shortest courses on Tour and may allow a shot-maker like Sorenstam to compete with the big boys. Many question whether she stands a chance of even making the cut.

To this, I say "hogwash!" Not only will she compete, but I will go out on a limb and say Sorenstam will win, period. Wait, that didn't come out right. What I mean to say is Sorenstam will win IF she's ON her period. She would be unstoppable! DaBlade has been married to a menstruating female for many years and the one thing I've learned, it's to keep a low profile at that "time of the month."

Remember that old television series starring Bill Bixby who played Dr. David Banner, a scientist exposed to a massive amount of radiation during a research experiment? He was transformed into a green monster (played by Lou Ferrigno) whenever his anger was aroused. These primal episodes are nothing compared to a woman's monthly metamorphosis.

That is why I feel the men are potentially at a competitive disadvantage and I refuse to sanction this travesty unless the Colonial institutes a "rag check." Better yet, to avoid a feminist firestorm of criticism for singling her out with a strip search, simply stipulate that she can play with the big boys if, and only if, she wears a thong and pasties. The thong would allow surreptitious confirmation of the lack of "wings" or "strings," and the pasties would simply tastefully complete her ensemble.

Furthermore, if I am to put my stamp of approval on this, I require that Sorenstam employ Martha Burk as her caddy. It goes without saying that Burk should be fully clothed and covered, or Annika would be disqualified. Sorenstam would also be expected to plumb-bob her putts on every green.

This is nothing more than a publicity stunt with the hopes of peeking curiosity and increasing viewership so advertiser rates can be increased. In the above, I was obviously illustrating absurdity by being absurd. Certainly Martha Burk would not cut it as a caddy. Get real! [Return to Menu:]


Human Shield or Cannon Fodder?
February, 2003
By DaBlade/ Snapper News
Hollywood's leftist "think tank" of representatives are on their way to Iraq in an effort to protest President Bush pledge to keep the United States safe for democracy. This is obviously an affront to what these liberals stand for. "I'm caught up in a bad coke deal, but I'll catch up with them," stated Alec Baldwin in a semi-lucid tone.

According to a Snapper News field reporter, there is no truth to the rumor that Shang Kwon Phat has joined this chain of human cannon fodder willingly. However, he was on his way to South East Asia to meet his cyber friend, Sum Yung Gai, when his rickshaw took a wrong turn at the Mediterranean. Shang was last seen singing a duet of "The Way We Were" with Barbara Streisand while a smiling Saddam watched from his palace balcony.


[Return to Menu:] Zoeller Disqualification Goofy
February, 2003
Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News
Golf is known as the Gentlemen's game, right? Fuzzy Zoeller, being the true gentleman that he is, agreed to give a free golf lesson to a local television reporter after shooting a 1-over 73 in the opening round of the Royal Caribbean Classic. The cameraman said he wanted to film the ball being hit at full speed. Since the driving range at the Crandon Park Golf Course was filled to overflowing with old farts from the senior tour, Fuzzy led this rag-tag bunch of girlie-boy media types to the vacant sixth tee. Wanting to accommodate this simple request, and establishing already that Fuzzy is indeed a gentleman, he deliberately hit 3 balls into the lake.

Rule 7-1-b prohibits players from practicing on the course between rounds. Gene Smith, the Champions Tour's tournament director (and NOT a gentleman), led a coalition of wimpy assed bean counter types to disqualify the Fuzster, who ended Friday in 36th place. Zoeller didn't argue, rather, he strolled away whistling, leaving tournament officials with self imposed egg on their faces.

First of all, I doubt that the framers of the PGA golf constitution intended the spirit of rule 7-1-b to be so malicious. I understand the intent of the rule, even if Gene Smith doesn't. Players should not be allowed to seek unfair advantage between rounds. Fine. Who could argue? But how can it be construed that intentionally hitting 3 balls into the lake violates this rule, in spirit or otherwise?

Lest you think it unprecedented that a rule be filtered by a referees' judgement of a player's intent, one need look no further than the goal crease rule that was changed last year by the NHL. (hockey: the other gentlemen's game). Basically, the rule was changed to allow a player in the goal crease area if he doesn't interfere with the goalie. Had this rule not been so strictly misinterpreted earlier, Tomas Holmstrom would have beat Hull to 700 goals.

I am a little suspicious about some of the details in this story, and I believe Fuzzy's been "had." For example, why didn't tournament officials insist that the driving range for a PGA seniors event be large enough to accommodate them? Maybe it was. Maybe the problem was manufactured by an evil-doer who paid shills to fill the range area, forcing these wheels in motion in a well orchestrated plan to oust the Zoellinator.

Also, what's with this innocent cameraman wanting to film a speeding golf ball. Does this guy not get out much, or what? A more sinister explanation suggests that "pictureboy" was in on this conspiracy too. I can almost see this top secret manifesto now...Step one, fill up the range with old farts and walkers; Step two, make up a lame reason to steer a gentlemanly (yet gullible) Fuzzy to the course.

I believe an investigation into my suspicions should be launched immediately. The list of suspects are lengthy. Start with everyone who would benefit by Fuzzy's expulsion. Let's question all of the golfers in 37th place and below. How about Tiger? Could he still be holding a grudge with those chicken comments? Don't discount the possibility that the hermaphrodite, Martha Burk, isn't up to something here.

After the investigation is concluded and the perpetrators are brought to justice, the PGA ought to think long and hard about future potential misinterpretations and misuses of rules. I offer the fool proof and time tested Snapper League safety valve for these situations; the "2-out-of-3 Carlsons" override. It would be like establishing an instant replay. A hotline could be set up and directed to Snapper, who would orchestrate the Carlson vote. This would infuse much needed common sense back into the PGA rules.
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This Week in Sports
January 11, 2003
By DaBlade/ Snapper News
"Sometimes truth IS stranger than fiction. I have compiled some highlights of this past week's stories I found interesting, and a link to each (in case you missed it).
O'Neal says joking, not being racist about Yao (January 11, 2003)
Shaquille O'Neal has created a firestorm of racism allegations for his use of a mock Chinese accent while talking about Houston center Yao Ming. A columnist for AsianWeek complained in his newspaper that O'Neal made several derogatory comments recently about Yao, with the Lakers' center saying, "Tell Yao Ming, 'ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh."'

I'm sorry, but I don't find the humor in that kind of behavior, Mr. "Shaq Hack Attack"! Shame on you! Did you learn nothing from Dr. Martin Lawrence X? Runteldat! Shouldn't you keep the trash talk on the court narrowed to the content of his jump hook and not the slurring of his "L's" and "R's"? Maybe I'm just a little bit too sensitive about Asian accent jokes here in DaBlade's bureau for Snapper News. I'd like to think that the Snapper website attracts a melting pot of cultures from around the globe because of what we stand for. So excuse me if I don't laugh, mister funny man O'Neal.

DWI charge over golf cart wreck (January 8, 2003)
A 65-year-old Minnesota man suffered minor injuries after crashing his golf cart into his own car. Here is a shock. "The man is believed to have been intoxicated." However, Eagan Minnesota Police Chief Kent Therkelsen evidently needs all week to investigate this fully, it being the top crime of the century in Eagen to date. Maybe DaBlade should send occifer McCracken to assist in this investigation. How this old fart managed to actually flip his cart upside down has not been explained. Thank goodness he cracked up before getting behind the wheel of his low mileage Buick Century. We here at Snapper News discourage irresponsible use of alcohol. However, an anonymous Snapper tipster claimed that had his beer cooler not acted as a roll bar, he could have been killed.

Golfer blames duck droppings for miss (January 07, 2003)
Here's the deal. This professional golfer misses a 35-foot putt eliminating him from a three-way playoff to qualify for the New Zealand Open. He blames his crucial miss on duck poop and has lodged a complaint with the PGA. His immediate claim for relief was denied by tournament referee Phil Aickin (yes, his real name) after explaining the difference between a fresh duck log(s) and animal excretions that have been smooshed and baked in the sun. A new Snapper rule may be added regarding "fecal relief," pending 2 out of 3 Carlson's approval.

Let's Sneak Into Augusta...Drunk (January 7, 2003)
(contributing reporter: "Snapper" Carlson) Two men were arrested after jumping the fence (with their golf clubs in tow) in an inebriated attempt to play Augusta National. Jim Rome states, "Yes, the club may not admit women members, but that doesn't change the fact that it is one of the greatest golf courses around, period." Rome then takes several pot shots at these guys.

I wonder if Mr. Rome would hum a different tune if the suspects in question would have been female. I can imagine the mainstream media's outcry to drop charges against two females. After all, what recourse would these poor gals have to play the mighty Augusta, if not to sneak? My point is, why should two men be treated differently? Assuming that these two gentlemen were not high-powered CEO's with Augusta membership, how else were they going to play the course?

The details are still sketchy, and it is not known at this point if the two men in question were of asian descent, dressed in drag, or if their breath smelled of spoiled rice wine. Were they Snappers on vacation, or a Snapper try-out to get our attention? We are routinely lobbied for travel visas. Some ask for visas, others prove their worthiness. In my opinion, they have what it takes to be honorary Snapper league members. Snapper himself has offered to provide legal counsel, and asks that you send him $1 each for expenses. Please send your sawbucks to...

"Free Augusta Twosome"
Copper Ridge Golf Course
c/o "Snapper" Carlson
Davison, MI. 48423
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DaBlade's Stroke Savers
January, 2003
A survival guide to the Snappers
and other golf beer leagues

Looking for techniques and exercises to help you develop a swing like the pros? Want a detailed step-by-step instruction, complete with illustrations, on proper grip, takeaway, and follow through? Forgetaboutit! Save yourself the time and frustration. This book is for the average weekend or beer league golfer who has come to the realization that he is a hack but wants to shave a stroke or two from his inflated average without outright cheating. If you play on a league that incorporates strict PGA rules and you have a conscience, this book will not help you. If, however, you play golf in an inebriated state, on a league with relaxed winter rules, you NEED this book. Here are a few excerpts...

Preparation:
Wear a cup. Try to arrive early enough to hit 1 or 2 cigarette butts at the first tee. If you can't make it that early, try to be late enough so that your partner is forced to make the beer purchase.


Water Hazard Strategy:
When playing Black Jack, you ALWAYS split aces and eights. It is an absolute. So it is when you face a decision on whether to lay up at a water hazard or go for it. Regardless of the yardage across or how far you lie from the front of the water hazard, you must go for it. You are likely to hit it in the water either way. The sooner you do, the sooner you can take your drop.


Ignorance is Bliss:
There are 82 different brands of golf balls on the market today. Make a point of carrying at least one of each at all times (it's only a 4-week supply) and blindly draw one at the start of each hole. Make sure you don't look too closely at the logo on ball when teeing it up. Blur your eyes if necessary, or just look elsewhere during your swing. A found Titlelist COULD be your ball unless you have advance knowledge of playing a Pinnacle.


Take Your Distance
You shank your ball out of play deep into the woods that line the fairway. Take your distance if your league rules allow. Your depth perception can suffer after a few pops, so the trick is knowing where to look, or ultimately drop (with penalty of course). For example, if you average say 150 yards with a 7-iron, but you once struck it 200 yards on a windy day, you should look 200 yards down field. Be Optimistic!


Praise for DaBlade's Stroke Savers
"We have no comment on how Mr. Carlson wastes his free time."
The Flint Journal

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Today Augusta, Tomorrow the Snappers?
January, 2003
By DaBlade/ Snapper News
"If Augusta National wants to be a private club, it needs to act like a private club," says Martha Burk, head of the National Council of Women's Organizations. "It cannot have it both ways. They can't say, 'We're just a few old boys on the back nine, but we want the public, billions of people into our living room, figuratively' to watch The Masters." Be afraid fellow Snappers. Be VELLY aflaid.

"The Snappers League excludes women also," bitched Burk into the microphone that our Snapper field reporter had thrust into her bloated face, framed by her butch haircut. "You claim to be a private golf league that can determine its own membership, but your web site is in the public domain. Your president, Snapper, is also as sexist as 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney for his treatment of Mary the pacer girl two years ago," Burk screeched as she pissed on a nearby tree standing up.

Club chairman Hootie Johnson claims that Augusta National doesn't exclude anyone, and he refuses to give in to the gender equity jihad. "Strap it on and we'll settle this mano-y-mano," said Hootie, challenging Burk to a deciding round of golf.

Burk has started her own web site at www.augustadiscriminates.org, where she lists advertisers that support the Masters, and also displays personal information and pictures of private Augusta members. When asked by our reporter if it was her intention to black ball these advertisers, she smiled, patted her bulging handbag and stated "that's what this 2-cycled baby is for."

Developing...

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Keeping myself amused since 2001