Snapper News!

2002 Snapper News Links:

    My Drinking League Has A Golf Problem; 
    Asian Pit Pot Belly Pig Ring Sting; 
    Fulgham/Blevins Destroy Cape/Lawless (PLUS: TOP 5 GOLF CHOKES); 
    Idle Observations of the 2002 PGA; 
    Cape and Lawless Still in First!; 
    GlassHole of the Day Awarded; 
    Holy Smokes! Cowan Sinks 30-Foot Stogie Putt; 
    Snapper Season Starts Sans Sun; 

    My Drinking League Has A Golf Problem
    November, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    Winter time in Michigan. What's a Snapper to do? Some league members have opted to fill the winter golf void by joining a bowling league. After all, it's a night out with the fellas, and a good way to stay in shape. By "shape" I mean, a good way to keep the liver filtering system honed. For others, bowling is NOT an acceptable alternative to golf. Let's examine the differences in DaBlade's...

    Top Ten Reasons why "Golf is Better Than Bowling"
    Serious bowlers frown upon incessant pleas for pick-picks on splits and gimmee requests on spare attempts.
    9 A poorly hit golf ball into the woods has a chance to be found, while a poorly thrown bowling ball is rarely retrieved from the gutter.
    8 Tee up a golf ball ever so slightly over the imaginary line in the tee box, and "NO BUZZER!"
    7 Golf bags hide more beer than bowling bags.
    6 No G.P.S. system to know exactly how far away the pin(s) are.
    5 I've found that urination off to the side of the playing field is frowned upon in bowling alleys.
    4 Beer girls on golf courses still have all their teeth.
    3 You only have to deal with ONE last-hole gallery on golf night, as opposed to every single frame.
    2 Spiked shoes more manly than the smooth bowling loafers
    1 No "automatic score keeping" (*wink*wink)
    [Return to Menu:]

    Asian Pit Pot Belly Pig Ring Sting
    October 9, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    Authorities announced today that they have uncovered an illegal pot belly pig fighting ring on the cities East side. The Fu King chinese restaurant pictured here was used as a front to this brutal and abusive blood sport. The restaurant has been chain locked and the Fu King owner, Cho Kon It, is still at large.

    "These damn Chinese would bring their pet pigs down here on Friday nights after hours in the Fu King back," stated officer Phil MiCracken. They would have to prod the normally tame animals to fight by poking them with chop sticks. The winner would fight on. The loser would become an entree in the buffet line the next day.

    A bout between "Bacon Bits" (pictured left) and Moo Shoe Pork (pictured right) was just getting under way when police raided the Fu King restaurant. Moo Shoe Pork's owner, Sum Yung Gai, was relieved the fight was interrupted, as his pig and sometimes special friend, Moo Shoe, was taking a pounding from heavily favored Bacon Bits. "Sum rike Moo awrrot and no want to see him roose, but Sum need money to join Snappah reague next yeah," stated a heavily accented Gai. "I don't understand this gook at all," stated MiCracken, who believes that Sum Yung Gai is also in the country illegally. It is believed Mr. Gai will be released and sent back to his country on a slow boat later this week. [Return to Menu:]

    Snappers 2002 Season Comes to a Close
    August 29, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    The Snappers concluded another great season with an 18 hole 4-man scramble on Thursday, August 29. It was also an opportunity to welcome back Greg Carlson and Bill Cobb, two mending Snappers that have been missed by all.

    Post golf celebration and the awarding of prizes took place at Madden's Lounge, where Snappers feasted on hot wings, mini tacos, burgers, and beer. The season came to an official conclusion later in the evening with the raising of multiple shot glasses filled with green apple pucker (which is our official champagne) and a rousing "GO SNAPPERS!" toast that visibly choked up "yours truly"...or maybe it was that nasty ass Backwoods cigar smoke.

    Here were the final results of the scramble:

    Lawless/Cason/Metzger/Cape: 4 under "68"
    Peltier/Carlson/Carlson/Carlson: 6 under "66"
    Wolfenden/Pattillo/Richardson/Vobach: 7 under "65"
    Rehbein/Blevins/Watson: 7 under "65"
    Cowan/Markunas/Gilbert/Gilbert: 7 under "65"
    Missitti/Cobb/Kachelski/Jordan: 10 under "62"

    There were 3 skins total secured by Team Missitti, Team Peltier, and Team Rehbein. Longest drive was launched by Mike Rehbein, and the greenies were won by Rehbein, Dave Wolfenden (two), and Scott Cowan.

    Team Lawless was awarded a bottle of Hooch and a Backwoods Smoke each for their last place finish. Team Cowan, which eeked out 2nd place through a tie breaker, were awarded a shot bottle of bourban and two small smokes of slightly higher quality. Team Missitti was awarded a shot of Tequilla and a shot of bourban and a premium cigar.

    League prizes were also awarded. Ken Vobach and Dale Pattillo sliced and diced their way to a last place finish. For their troubles they were awarded a pin-on compass, 3 "just-off-the-fairway" 10 inch tees, and a ball to replace the last one they lost (probably on the 18th hole during the scramble). Cape and Lawless second place finish was good for a sleeve of balls and a mini golf bag coozy, complete with a Budweiser inside. Gary Fulgham and Mark Blevins first place finish earns them a sleeve of balls and a golf towel monogrammed and proclaiming them the "Copper Ridge Snappers 2002 Champions".

    Thanks to all for a great season. The 2003 season may see a change in venue. There was a ground swell of support clamoring for a return to Sugarbush, followed closely by a desire for Brookwood. Stay tuned to cast your vote on the next Snapper Poll coming soon! Go Snappers! [Return to Menu:]

    Fulgham/Blevins Destroy Cape/Lawless
    August 25, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    Choke (ch k)
    v. choked, chokĀ·ing, chokes
    1 : to become choked in breathing
    2 a : to become obstructed or checked b : to become or feel constricted in the throat (as from strong emotion)
    3 : to shorten one's grip especially on the handle of a bat.
    4 : to lose one's composure and fail to perform effectively in a critical situation

    Oh the humanity! Bill and Dave's Excellent Adventure ends in disaster losing to Gary and Mark by the score of 16-6, and dropping them to second place by one point. I approached Team Mckenzie after their debacle round. They were sitting in their cart, with ashen faces and catatonic like stares. It was obvious that life's joy had been stripped from them. Wanting to comfort and console them, I began laughing at them (hoping my joy at their misery would be contagious).

    Congratulations Mark and Gary! To Bill and Dave I say cheer up, there is always next year. Remember Justin Leonard throwing away a 3-stroke lead on Sunday at the PGA? Sure. That's not nearly as embarrassing as throwing away a 9-stroke lead on the last league night position round. However, I have compiled a list of impressive golf chokes, boners, give-aways, and knucklehead plays to make you boys feel better.

    DaBlade's Top 5 Golf Chokes

    1 Greg Norman (The Masters, Augusta, 1996)
    In the opening round of the 1996 Masters Greg Norman shot a course-record 63. Three days later he contrived to go round the same 18 holes at Augusta National in 15 strokes more. In the process he blew a six-shot lead - the biggest in Masters history - over Nick Faldo and converted it into a five-shot deficit. In the case of Norman, he has a history of putting himself in position to win the "major" golf tournaments. In seven "majors" he's been atop the leader board after three rounds and finished either second or third in all seven. There is even a web-site dedicated to The Chokeology of Greg Norman.

    2 Jean Van de Velde (British Open, CARNOUSTIE, Scotland, 1999)
    With his name all but engraved on the Claret Jug, Jean Van de Velde made a decision that will be debated for as long as the Scottish days are long. Needing to make only a 6 on the par-4 18th hole on Sunday, Van de Velde squandered the championship in excruciating fashion, clanging one shot off the bleachers, dumping another into the water, chunking yet one more into a bunker before finally making a triple-bogey 7. "Ze people, zey must understand, I must play zis way," he said later.

    3 Bernhard Langer (1991 Ryder Cup)
    The United States won the 1991 Ryder Cup at Kiawah Island in one of the most dramatic finishes of all time. Bernhard Langer of Germany narrowly missed winning the competition for Europe when his 6-foot putt slid by the hole on the 18th green, preserving the United States' half-point triumph. One of the lasting images in Ryder Cup history was the agony on Langer's face when he missed that 6-foot putt.

    4 Arnold Palmer (U.S. Open, the Olympic Club in San Francisco, 1966)
    Palmer had a five-stroke lead going to the 69th hole. Incredibly, he lost all five strokes on the next three holes and fell into a tie with Billy Casper. In the playoff the next day, Palmer was ahead by two strokes with eight holes left but lost by four.

    5 McKenzie Brothers (Snappers Golf League, Copper Ridge, 2002)
    Bouncing T.C. Chen's 1985 us open double-hit chip shot from the top 5, Bill and Dave's meltdown was of epic proportions, losing the league with a 9-stroke advantage on the last day. [Return to Menu:]

    Idle Observations of the 2002 PGA
    August 18, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    *That was the first time I ever saw Tiger Woods lose when he wore his red and black ensemble. Maybe he should try frosting his hair like that Jim...errr...Rich Beem guy.

    *Did you happen to catch Beem's victory jig after 3-putting the final hole? Not exactly a timeless moment. Not bad for an old cell phone salesman though.

    *And what happened to that Justin Leotards Sunday. He had a 3-stroke lead going into the final round. See that Bill and Dave? You never know.

    Quick Quiz

    Fred Funk has "Fear the Turtle" engraved on his putter...
    A) As an obscure reference to his alma mater Maryland Terps.
    B) Because of an unfortunate result from "too cold" bath water.
    C) He has heard of the Snappers league.

    Rich Beem was so excited after his birdie on 16 Sunday, that he tossed...
    A) His ball toward the 18th green.
    B) His cap in the pond
    C) Off towards the gallery.

    The winner of the PGA Championship receives...
    A) the Wanamaker Trophy.
    B) The Icantbelieveimadeit Trophy.
    C) A golf towel and a sleeve of balls, just like the Snapper Champs!

    A Glacial Greg update...
    Greg was back on the course for the first time since his eye injury on July 11. Greg, Rick, Chris, and I teamed up for a scramble at Brookwood on Saturday, August 17. He played every shot and hit the ball well. His Percodan enhanced swing routine isn't any faster though. Greg hinted that he might be available for his Snapper return on our last night scramble August 29th. Greg only asks that you don't stare at him...He is sensitive to his cauliflower ear, a result of following doctors orders to sleep on his right side only. See ya on the course! [Return to Menu:]

    Cape and Lawless Still in First!
    July 25 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    The road from perennial doormat, to mediocrity, to a first place stranglehold on the Snapper league, has been a quick ride for journeymen Bill Cape and Dave Lawless, and has not gone unnoticed by fellow Snappers. Cape states that he began to hear murmurs a few weeks ago, but those murmurs have turned into outright interest. Their cart was surrounded by league members hoping to get a closer glimpse of the front runners and their score card, as they wound their way to the back of the finishing hole green Thursday, July 25, 2002. Cape and Lawless had just completed a spanking to Jerry Carlson and Doyne Cason to the tune of 17 points to 5.

    I took the opportunity to observe them during their masterful display and came away from the experience a believer. The tall and athletic Cape towered over his ball at the first tee with a cigarette that had burned down to the filter perched between his lips. He looked like the short-order cook for Angelos, as the ash from his spent smoke hung precariously over his teed ball. Cape appeared to be gently massaging his golf ball with the clubface of his driver. Suddenly and without warning, his torso coiled like a giant spring, then released, unleashing a 200 + yard drive that split the fairway. "That's just how Tiger manages the golf course," states Bill, as he swaggers back to his golf cart, well stocked with Budweiser.

    Dave Lawless took a long swig from his green apple Pucker, then ambled to the tee box with a purposeful, if not graceful gait. Lawless' easygoing and no-nonsense manner carries over in his swing style, lacking the pre-swing tic routine of his partner. Dave pulls the club head back slowly, like a doctor drawing blood from his patient. At the top of his back-swing, Dave comes to a complete stop, with his club hanging over his head like a viper readying itself to strike. Dave appears to be disoriented to the unschooled observer, until he executes a well timed weight shift and violent follow through that sends the ball sailing past Cape's proud effort.

    And so it went, shot after shot, hole after hole, with no reprieve on the greens. It used to be that you could count on numerous lengthy gimmee putts from this pair, but no longer. Gimmee putts were a rarity, and only awarded after forcing us to mark our balls, in some cases mere inches away from the hole, for what they termed as "negotiating purposes". Every gimmee offer that was eventually made, came only after they carefully and quietly conferred, weighing all outcomes to their possible advantage. Sportsmanship be damned, they have a championship to win.

    Doyne became frustrated at one point during our dismantling by stating, "Those guys never have to piss! For as much beer as they drink, their bladders must be as big as their beer cooler."

    Indeed. If this is the case, then their competitive hearts are as big as their bladders. [Return to Menu:]

    GlassHole of the Day Awarded
    May 23 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    Read about the first "asshole of the day". The Snapper photos page has been updated with this year's line-up. I've also added a "popup" on the Stats page for your week-by-week scores. Knock yourself out. See ya next week.

    Wind Shear Causes Glacial Meltdown!
    May 9 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    A "68!" I'm obviously not cut out to golf in frigid "hurricanic" conditions. The good news is next week I hear the temperature will soar to the mid 50's, with wind gusts only reaching "F3" on the Fujita - Pearson Tornado Scale. I wouldn't mind it if we received the legendary "golf ball sized hail." At least it would give me something to hit. I've lost so many balls, I'm down to the smileys and xxx-outs.

    I did seek temporary refuge from the wind in the porta-potty at #11 so I could light my cigar. The brief respite was well worth it, even though the acrid smoke from my Perfecto Garcia mixed with the scent of urine, faeces, and fake chemical flowers creating a hybrid smell you never want to experience.

    Also noteworthy: An empty can leapt from Cowan's cart and made a mad scramble towards the 18th green, presumably trying to duplicate the magical 30-foot cigar putt. It was intercepted before it reached the green, so we'll never know. Dare we hope for a clubhouse complete with beer next week? [Return to Menu:]

    Holy Smokes! Cowan Sinks 30-Foot Stogie Putt
    May 2, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    Scott Cowan casually placed his smoldering cigar on the 16th green next to his wedge approximately 30 feet from the hole. He walked to the far side of the hole and began to plumb-bob his putt while his partner Steve, and his opponents, Greg and I, looked on. Just then, a freak "Nor'easter" blew a cold and bitter gale. The cigar started to roll. Slowly at first, as if testing the cut of the green, it gathered speed as it left it's wispy trail. The stogie broke right, then a hard left, artfully following the sloping contour. This cigar was rolling with a purpose as it made correction after correction in it's down-hill/side-hill journey toward fame. Scott stood, taking a step toward his renegade Dominican. I screamed, "leave it be! It's got a chance!" As if buttressed by my confidence, the little fella's destiny was not to be denied as it made a final dash for the cup. Time slowed to a crawl as the banded beauty dove in hitting the back of the cup before coming to rest, I kid you not, upright and happily puffing away within the tiny (cigar-width in fact) hole at the bottom of the cup!!!!(click here for the sound the cigar made)

    Mister, a roar erupted as we realized we had just witnessed a momentous achievement, watching new Snapper lore unfold! In fact, I propose an official nickname to the 16th green. How about "the cigar hole?" Nah...not descriptive enough. Maybe "Monica's Mound," "Lewinsky's Lips," or "The Oval Orrifice"? I'm kinda partial to "The President's Cup". Pass along your vote (or nickname suggestions). [Return to Menu:]

    Snapper Season Starts Sans Sun
    April 25, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    Ahhhh, April golf in Michigan. Sorta like a box of chocolates. That is if you are eating said chocolates in Siberia! The frosty jetstream didn't hinder Watson, who shot a "52" actual, "29" net! Nice round Mike.

    The beer girls were out in force as promised. The only problem was that they served only coffee and soda (no beer!). Nancy stated this was a temporary inconvenience, and the course should have the appropriate license in a few weeks. No "asshole" vote was taken (due to the weather), but did anyone besides Greg have a problem with the range ball dispenser? Greg inserted a token and received 1 ball two times in a row. Hmmmm....

    Snapper's Thin Herd for 2002 Season
    April 5, 2002
    By DaBlade/ Snapper News
    It's springtime again, and that means we are close to kicking off another Snapper golf season! We say good-bye to several Snappers this year, including last year's champions Rick Bailey and Mike Kennedy, who refuse to defend their title. Other players not returning include team 12,Chuck and Rod, stating that the extra $6 for the year was "just too steep!" Team 11 (Bernie and Rob), and team 13 (John and Pat) and Dave Markunas will also not be returning. We have some new Snappers also (all of Asian descent, from the looks of the guestbook entries), but I believe we will go from 14 teams to 10 teams this year. Hopefully we will see retiring Snappers for sub mop-up duties during the year. Our president has a new roster list, but the Snapper is in Florida spending quality time with his family(golfing with seniors).

    By the way...An impressive list of new course rules for this year's Snapper golf...Like "no driving cart in the heather!" And they can monitor your where-a-bouts through the GPS system! Also equipped with some kind of "pace-o-meter" and will hustle you up if you're slower than pace. (uh-oh Glacial Twins). Collared shirts, strict tee times spaced every 7 minutes, and confiscation of any alcoholic beverages not purchased at the course. Nazi golf? I don't think so. They let Nancy come out of her trailor after all!

    The now completed clubhouse has a wrap-around deck in back for a spectacular last hole gallery view. The course has put in cart paths, installed a GPS system that will inform you on remaining yards to the flag, but most importantly, can be used to hail the beer girl. Beer girl? Yes, BEER GIRLS! More news coming soon. Stay tuned to what should prove to be another exciting (drunken) season!

    [Return to Menu:]

News Archives

Old Snapper News Archive

Click here for
News Menu
Keeping myself amused since 2001