Snapper News!

2001 Snapper News Links:


    Snapper Threatens To Bring Others Ex's As Subs; 
    Snapper League or British Open?; 
    Tee Time Tiff Not For Tea Totalers; 
    Timmy K. Kooks Out?; 
    Poison Sumac Alert!; 
    Vandalism Suspicious; 
    TOM VANDERPORT LOCATED!; 
    MIKE WATSON PARS!; 
    Snapper Golf League Absolved of Blame For Tornado Damage; 
    John Lee Snags Hole-in-One; 
    TIGER WOODS ASSAILANT HICCUPS THE CLOWN!; 


    Snapper Threatens To Bring Others Ex's As Subs
    August 23, 2001
    I must reiterate the unspoken understanding that the Snapper League is, was, and shall evermore be, a men's golf league. The temporary deviation from this last week by allowing Mary "LegsY" to sub in place of Snapper, shall be considered an abomination that shall never happen again.

    As Snapper so aptly states, "If we allow the good looking girls to play, the ugly ones are sure to follow. You never know what could slip through the cracks!" Snapper immediately quashed the dissenters when he threatened to secure wives and ex-wives as subs to play against league members who cross him.

    One unidentified Snapper was heard to respond, "He's right! The gals don't belong on the golf course in a men's league unless they are bent over into the beer cart cooler grabbing me a cold one!" Besides, Snapper members pride themselves in their ability to be lewd and lascivious, and that these expressions (whether it's the breaking of wind, or scratching oneself) should not be infringed or hindered.

    Mary was treated as a pacer, and her score was stricken from the books, as this sad episode comes to a close, and we can all try to get on with men's golf as best we can. Let us hope that this "taint" on all of us can fade over time.

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    Snapper League or British Open?
    July 23, 2001
    Test your knowledge of the Snappers league and the events that transpired at the British Open with the following quiz. Was it Copper Ridge, or Lytham St. Annes?
    Directions: Read the question (or have someone with the ability to read help you). When you think you know the answer, just make a mark on your monitor with your crayon. I'll let you know if you win.

     1 Who hit errant shots all day long, playing from the knee-deep, prickly gorse bushes on his way to a score in the low 70's?
    (A) Tiger Woods shot a 73 Friday in this fashion, over the 18 holes of Lytham St. Annes.
    (B) Mike Watson shot a 70 in this fashion over the 9-hole Copper Ridge.
    (C) Both A and B are true statements

    2Who threw their golf club in disgust at the second tee?
    (A) Ian Woosnam, after being penalized 2 strokes for having one too many clubs in his bag.
    (B) DaBlade, after hitting a driver into the pond on the second hole, par 3.

    3Who blew a tire off-roading between holes?
    (A) John Lee and Pat Pettegrew, after taking a wrong turn through lot 72.
    (B) This statement figuratively portrays Colin Montgomerie's performance over the weekend.
    (C) Both A and B are true.

    4Which statements are true?
    (A) Retief Goosen hit a birdie at 18.
    (B) Rob Ruhstorfer hit a goose at 18.
    (C) Both A and B again.

    5Who is known as "The Wee Welshman"?
    (A) Ian Woosnam
    (B) Timmy Kachelski
    (C) Glacial Greg's nickname for his "Johnson". Why else would he wear those plaid shorts?

    Thanks for playing... [Return to Menu:]


    Tee Time Tiff Not For Tea Totalers
    July 5, 2001
    By Shan Kwon Phat/ Snapper News
    Fisticuffs were narrowly avoided last week involving a dispute over the league tee order. It seems that one of the teams were using strict rules from another league they had played in that fined late players and made them go to the back of the line. (it was not clear if this was a couples league, which would explain a lot).

    The Snappers have always been guided by two sets of rules; the written rules (which take precedent) and the oral rules (or tradition if you prefer). There is nothing written down regarding tee order disputes, so in an attempt to clear up any confusion, I will list the principles that have guided us so far.

    If two groups are vying for the tee, the tie breaker system that should be adhered to is as follows...
    1. Any Carlson may claim the tee at any time, regardless of the listed tee order.
    2. A majority of Carlsons present that night may change tee orders for good reason, or at their whim.
    3. Carlson in-laws get dibs. (Father-in-laws take precedent over brother-in-laws)
    4. The listed tee order works fine if everybody arrived to the course on time. (sure! That happens)
    5. The group that is scheduled higher in the tee order gets the tee, even if the other group has been waiting in the hot sun and has had an otherwise bad day.
    Hope this clears it up :)

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    Timmy K. Kooks Out?
    June 28, 2001
    By Malcolm X-Out/ Snapper News
    It has not been a good year for Timmy Kachelski. He was unceremoniously dumped by long time partner Dave Wolfenden at the beginning of the season. His new partner, Tom Vanderport, golfed a total of 3 weeks before officially calling it quits earlier this week. Even so, Tim arrived last week in good humor, until he found out his opponents for the evening, John Lee and Pat Pettegrew, did not bother to show up. Pictured is Tim a short time later, wearing a plastic rain coat (with what appears to be a wool sweater underneath)in sub tropical type heat, drinking Red Dog beer in mass quantities, and singing showtunes. Several Snappers can be seen walking away in shame, not quite sure of how to deal with his nervous breakdown.

    As for Tom Vanderport, it is feared that he has developed agoraphobia. It's not difficult picturing an unshaven Tom holed up in the dark with the curtains drawn, shooting birds with his bow and arrow through a now defunct milk chute.
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    Poison Sumac Alert!
    June 14, 2001
    By Yuri Stillout/ Snapper News
    The Glacial Twins discovered a wild patch of Poison Sumac last Thursday during league play, while searching through the thickets of pretty, leafy foliage in search of their errant shots. By the end of the round, both were scratching and swearing profusely. Jerry's finely tuned immune system was able to fight off the effects of the toxic oils that had managed to get into his eyes (10 on the last hole). Greg was not so fortunate, however, as his wife rushed him to the hospital after his bleeding legs swelled to the size of Hillary Clinton's. He was given steroid shots and sent home to lead as normal a life possible.

    Neither Glacial Twin was able to pin point the hole number, or location of the Sumac, as neither one hit a fairway all night. Be careful out there. This could happen to you.

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    Vandalism Suspicious
    June 7, 2001
    By Yasser Hititfat/ Snapper News
    The Flint Journal has lost a large number of vending machines because of a recent rash of vandalism and theft. This particular rack was found off Irish Rd., and had evidently been beaten with a 9 iron and doused with approximately $5 of gasoline (for a cash box take of maybe $6) before being set ablaze. In a story possibly related, an unnamed Snapper recently paid his final $200 of league dues in quarters, several of which were blackened with residue. Coincidentally, this same Snapper's home subscription was cut off again for non payment. Hmmm....

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    TOM VANDERPORT LOCATED!
    June 7, 2001
    By Roberto "no mas" Hands of Stone/ Snapper News
    Tom Vanderport's absence since May 10th has led to much speculation as to his whereabouts. Fellow Snappers can rest easy knowing that Tom is alive, if not well. According to Tom, he has allegedly been working long hours, only to stumble home to stare at his T.V. set watching QVC and infomercials involving new technology fishing and golf gear.

    When I spoke to Tom recently, via his cell phone, he was concerned that he had become "the joke of the league" due to his extended leave. I assured him that the league members were more sensitive than that, and no cheap shots would be taken, and verbally chastised him for even suggesting as much. Tom assures me he will try to make it to golf on June 14, and stated, "the UPS guy should be dropping off my left handed stilleto 2 driver any day now, and if does half as much as advertised..."(mumbling incoherently...dial tone). Please give Tom a call to encourage his attendance. (You may have to pretend that you are a telemarketer to strike up a conversation, however).

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    MIKE WATSON PARS!
    May 24, 2001
    By DaBlade / Snapper News
    Mike Watson earned his first par since becoming a Snapper league member in 1999. He accomplished this tremendous feat on the second hole, 155 yard par 3. When it was pointed out to Mike that it took him 361 holes to get his par, a tear rolled down his cheek as he replied, "Tell the children...you can accomplish anything...*sniff*..you set your mind to *sob*..." It should be noted that after the brief celebration at the second hole, Mike invoked the "7-11" rule on the 3rd hole. [Return to Menu:]


    Snapper Golf League Taken Into Custody; Absolved of Blame For Tornado Damage
    May 21, 2001
    By DaBlade / Snapper News
    Severe weather rolled through the area Monday, May 21, causing A trail of damage along the US-23 corridor, from The Majestic to Tyrone Hills golf courses. Trees were uprooted, and fairways were damaged at Tyrone Hills, in Tyrone Township in Livingston County. The Majestic Golf and Country Club in Hartland Township suffered extensive damage, including gaping holes to the clubhouse and overturned cars in the parking lot. [Full Story]

    The cause of the damage was not immediately known. However, the level of damage suffered by both golf courses was not unprecedented, and the Snapper Golf League was rounded up and held for questioning. Luckily, the Snappers had an alibi and local weathermen correctly identified the culprit as a rogue tornado. The cyclone was cuffed, put under arrest, and is being held without bail until its trial.

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    "Special Rule 5a, a/k/a the 'Cowan/Peltier Revision' Adopted
    May 17, 2001
    By "Snapper" / Snapper News
    COPPER RIDGE -- Following is the scripted proposal presented to and adopted by the league 5/17/01 to which Cowan laughed and Peltier retorted: "Can I have my points now?".

    Proposed Snapper Rule Change: Currently our Rule 5 reads thusly:


    5. No make up dates are allowed; If you cannot make it, please send a sub; we will help you find subs if you ask. This is especially important with a small league to make it fun for everyone.

    Rule 8 establishes a forfeit of the 4 match points to the opponents when no regular team member shows up and the opponents using a blind draw for their own points. No points have in the past been allowed for teams that don't come and participate...DUH!!!!

    However in consecutive years too numerous to mention, and me of course not wishing to embarrass anyone , I see no legitimate reason to mention them by name (more than twice) one of our teams has chosen to say to each other: "Screw it, I don't feel like golfing today and I don't think you should either", only to then feign mortification the following week upon discovering that they earned no points at all by not coming. This year they sent two guys to introduce themselves to us and they did golf and Jerry was able to figure out handicaps for the subs and frankly we are all tiring of their incessant whining and therefore we do propose for consideration and full vote of a quorum of Snappers if we can ever find one, the following rule change: Go to the League Rules to get the rule change.

    New Snapper Rule to be Named "Cowan/Peltier Rule"
    May 10, 2001
    By DaBlade / Snapper News
    COPPER RIDGE -- Scott Cowan and Steve Peltier will become only the second Snapper team to be honored(?) with a special rule named after them. The first team to be so honored, Pat Pettegrew and Chuck Fenner, had to be disbanded.

    The new rule will be an ammendment to rule #8, which addresses "no opposition showing". The new rule is being reviewed and re-written by the league's attorney (and president) Rick "Snapper" Carlson.
    Developing hot...

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    John Lee Snags Hole-In-One on Week One
    April 26, 2001
    By DaBlade / Snapper News
    COPPER RIDGE -- Johnny Lee found his golf clubs in winter storage in his basement earlier in the day, and was probably not displeased with his double bogie start on hole number one. He evidently worked the kinks out, because he aced the second hole, a 155 yard par 3. Congratulations Johnny Lee!

    John's ace is actually the second Snapper ace. Bernie Cason scored a Hole-In-One a few years back at Sugarbush. Surprisingly, they both are still playing. I repeat my promise to quit the game immediately after having aced a hole (bladed or no).

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    Tiger's Impersonator sentenced
    April 28, 2001
    By DaBlade / Snapper News
    SACRAMENTO, Calif. -- A man who used Tiger Woods' identity to steal $17,000 worth of goods was sentenced to 200 years-to-life in prison. The perpetrator is believed to be none other than "Hiccups The Clown". [Full AP wire story]

    In a somewhat related story, I was guilty of impersonating Mike Watson on the first week of golf. Tiger's impersonator was sentenced to 200 years in prison. I was sentenced to a "62" for my crime. I hope we have both learned our lesson!


    February 4, 2001
    TIGER WOODS ASSAILANT FOUND! -
    By DaBlade / Snapper News
    PEBBLE BEACH, Calif -- The overzealous autograph hound that allegedly caused the knee injury to Tiger Woods on Wednesday during the warm-up for the AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am, was none other than "Hiccups The Clown", according to one of DaBlade's sources. "Hiccups", a homeless golf groupie, was found unconscious in a pool of his own vomit outside his cardboard shelter in a local alleyway.

    "It wazz..zzz..zn't my f..f..fault," slurred the still inebriated clown, the front of his ruffled shirt covered with a mixture of wine, vomit, and feces. According to the arresting officer, Phil McCrackin, "Hiccups" (who is white...pasty white) will be charged under California's "Hate crimes" law for wearing shoes with intent to injure a minority.

    "Those shoes are ridiculous...they're huge," stated officer McCrackin, while he used his night stick on the back of Hiccups knees. "The trick to using these things is in maximizing the pain, but to limit the bruising," stated McCrackin, as he struck a glancing blow to Hiccups' temple. "We sure have learned a lot by watching those King videos."

    A Snapper news reporter caught up with Hiccup's court appointed attorney, Haywood Jablowme, in a local pub. "These charges against my client are trumped-up, false, and slanderous, and my client plans to file accordingly," stated Jablowme, as he knocked down his third Martini. Jablowme explained that Hiccups was required to wear oversized shoes because of a skin condition caused by his feet soaking in his own urine. "Mr. Woods carelessly stepped on my client's foot, it was unfortunate but inadvertant."

    This could put a premature end to Hiccups autograph collecting hobby.

    Pictured:
    5/15/99 Los Angeles, CA Samuel Jackson with "Hiccup the Clown" at the celebrity LAPD Golf Tournament.

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