Top Ten Assholes of all time!

In celebration of the Snapper Golf League's 20 Year Anniversary, a league wide vote was taken to freshen up the Top Ten Snapper assholes of all time (so far). The results may shock you! OK, probably not. Some "winners" from the old list made the cut again, while others fell off to make room for bigger and better assholes. Most of these stories have been told and re-told, and are destined to go down in the history of Snapper lore. They tell of the majesty of the human spirit. Of good vs. evil. Of man's ultimate victory over inhumanity. OK, not really. But these stories do remind us that we to can be immortalized like these unfortunate gentlemen. We recognize that ordinary people are capable of extra a-holish things. So without further ado... in reverse order... drumroll if you please...

NUMBER 10
Chris Carlson for the notorious "4-Iron Fake-out".
(this is a newcomer to the list which could not be ignored by enough Snapper voters to displace one of the previous honorariums.)
(August 5, 2004) The notorious 4-Iron fake-out bags the AOTD for Li'l Snapper Snapper golfers, as well as the regular readers of this site that are not league members (you there Sum?) know that "Naked Dave" Mitteer was the asshole-of-the-day (AOTD) winner last week (7/29), for inadvertently tossing his 4-iron over a fence on his third practice swing. Well, the saga continued… Chris "Li'l Snapper" Carlson agreed to help a pleading Naked Dave in the attempted rescue and recovery op. of his club before it got too dark. They drove off Sugarbush grounds, heading north on Baxter Rd., then turning right on Potter Rd. Being college boys, they both knew that hole 16 ran parallel to Potter Rd. on the inside corner near Henderson Rd. They found this spot in short order, without the advantage of the satellite imagery above. Disembarking their vehicle, Naked Dave immediately and enthusiastically plunged himself into the roadside ditch. His shoes sank into the mud as he all but disappeared in the chest high cattails. He clawed his way deeper through the tall reeds risking life and limb (not to mention Mississauga rattlers known to inhabit these parts) in search of his beloved 4iron. Meanwhile, Chris watched nonchalantly from the safety of the road's shoulder. As he stood there, he spotted what appeared to be a golf club protruding from the swamp, half exposed on the road. Sure enough, it was Dave's 4-iron! Just then, Dave's head poked out from the foliage, asking Chris for advice as to which direction he should search. (Moment of truth. What would you do?) Chris held the 4-iron high, using it as a pointer, telling Dave, "Deeper, Dave. I think it's in there deeper," thrusting the club in an overly animated fashion. Dave said, "thanks," as he vanished once again into the lush growth. Congratulations Chris! Your quick thinking (and the slow and needless torture of your partner) earns you the AOTD. Dave eventually got his club back, and you are one golf ball better for it!

NUMBER 9
Mike Watson, for his "Hansel and Gretel" immitation.
Mike hits the ball where many times the cart can not follow. Not knowing what club he will require if he actually finds his (a) ball, he has developed the habit of taking several clubs from his bag to accompany him on his trek through the course woodlands...

(May 27, 1999) Mike "Hansel" Watson wins for leaving his golf clubs beside a tree to mark the location of his errant shot (nestled beneath the bough of a mighty pine on #17), so he could wander off to fondle relieve himself. Upon his return, he re"Gretel"ably could not find his clubs or ball!

NUMBER 8
Timmy Kachelski, for authorizing "FREE BEER!"
(Another all time list newbie and not to be soon forgotten)

(July 3, 2006) Timmy Kachelski, for authorizing the giving of "FREE BEER" by the Majestic Golf Course or by WDFN radio station or by …well who cares anyway…it's "FREE BEER" isn't it? …isn't it? No, it wasn't. When the Snappers finished play this week and collected at one end of the deck outside the clubhouse awaiting the official start of the post golf Snapper Meeting, they found local sports talk radio station WDFN broadcasting live on the air at the other end of the deck. Long rumored to be hosting a live broadcast from the course on Snapper League night, they were finally here. Local Club Pro Steve Tanner with full radio microphone headgear was seated at a table with two other curious looking show hosts similarly attired, fielding phoned in questions about golf. Across from them was another table with a cardboard box with a slit in the top, several notepads and pencils and a whole bunch of red plastic souvenir cups with the WDFN logo on them stacked as a pyramid clearly awaiting anyone who wished to have one. Seeing his opportunity to win a golf ball, and embarrass a few fellow Snappers in the process, Timmy K began pointing to the far end of the deck and authoritatively announcing to Snappers who finished after him, starting with Snapper himself, that they were to go there, fill out a sheet with their personal info and put it in the box for a chance at free Tiger tickets, then take a red cup, go inside and Laura, the unfortunate employee to have drawn inside beer duty would fill it with beer for free. Snapper realized two things almost immediately upon following Timmy's instructions to the letter, First, Laura had no damned idea what he was talking about as she clearly had not been instructed that the beer she was selling would under any circumstances be free, and second that he left his wallet in his golf bag in the car having an unfinished bourbon & coke with him for the meeting and no intention of purchasing a beer. Snapper determined to utilize his lawyerly powers of verbal persuasion and upon insisting the proper number of times that in fact "they told us to do this, it's free, really" without one time allowing her to ask who "They" were caused Laura to relent and he and his buddy Les Helmkay walked out with free beers. The crowd of Snappers outside were beside themselves with delight when Rick & Les came out with their brewskies until Les convinced them that we really had not paid for the beer…really. Snapper left Less to explain the Johnny Cochran like oratory he had just witnessed and went to the parking lot to retrieve his wallet to pay for the beer only to pass the next group with Micha Fulgham & Chad Ellis on the way in. Unable to refrain, Snapper nodded towards the deck and simply stated "FREE BEER" in as nonchalant a manner as one can utter those two words, to see if Timmy would do it again. He did, over and over.

NUMBER 7
Jimmy Walker, for "Belly Bog Breathin"
(Previously #7 on the all time list, this one holds its position against the 2007 voters)

(Week 12, 1989) Jim Walker for "belly bog breathing". Our president, Tithead Whalen, witnessed Jim's valiant and fearless attempt to recover a golf ball he never owned which some poor sap had apparently foolishly abandoned only a few feet into a mushy bog area. Jim drove in after it, failing not only to get the ball, but also failing to get the cart out under its own power. Jim de-boarded the cart and attempted the manual "push from behind" technique. The cart moved…Jim's feet didn't. Lying face down in the bog I think Jim knew he had won the award. Honorable Mention: Tim Kachelski was accused of "baiting the bog" which was Jim's temptation.

NUMBER 6
Naked Dave Mitteer for "Man Overboard"
(this is something we all thought about but only Dave dared to accomplish…so off the list goes another previously honored alltime top tenner)

(June 7, 2007) Naked Dave Mitteer for going overboard again, this time literally speaking…HE WENT OVERBOARD!. On this hot and humid Thursday evening, nobody on the league noticed that Naked Dave showed up for golf donning an uncollared T shirt, slip on sandals and lime green swim trunks. Upon completing the hole # 1 - # 9 round scheduled this night, Dave & Chris & playin partners Micha & Chad settled onto the pontoon for the leisurely ride back across Lake Walden, a courtesy perk offered by the Majestic we have all become accustomed to. Although the boat has plenty of seating Dave chose the back edge of the boat to sit upon. The driver glanced around noticing 4 seated passengers and began the 10 minute sojourn across the lake. 10 feet or so from the dock on the opposite side and slowing for the rope toss and tie down he glanced around again, this time noticing only 3 passengers each attempting to look clueless, looking around them at the sea gulls or simply shrugging their shoulders as if to say: ‘what?...what?...I don’t know nothing" That was when he saw Naked Dave head bobbin up and down out in the middle of the lake, whereafter he turned around and retrieved him. Half expecting an excuse of some kind, e.g., Searching for Loch Ness Nellie’s cousin Walden Lake Wally… or just trying to disprove DaBlade’s claim of sharks in the vicinity…Snapper somberly asked Dave at the post golf meeting if he had a defense the simple reply was ‘No Snap…it won’t happen again". Being a good partner, Chris volunteered that Dave had originally claimed to have slipped and fallen in. Snapper asked : "Is this true Dave" and Naked nodded in the affirmative, but was thereafter unable to explain how his sunglasses, sandals, shirt & wallet (everything but his lime green swim trunks, remember them?) all managed to fall from his body during the slip and land safely and dryly on the boat deck. The vote was of course unanimous.

NUMBER 5
Guy Metzger, for the "Range Ball Dispenser Fiasco"
(Although 11 full seasons ago, ah it seems like only yesterday, up from #6 on the list this one gets better with age apparently

(May 9, 1996) Guy was a majority vote winner and our first recipient of the "Asshole of the Day" award for 1996. Guy inserted his token into the range ball dispenser, pushed the button, then scrambled to retrieve all the balls (since he failed to secure a wire basket). I'm told Guy often pours his coffee on his desk at work, then looks for his mug! Honorable mention goes to Bill Cape. On the driving range, Bill shanked two 2X4's, then "got all" of the wire basket.

NUMBER 4
Pete Deisel, for "White Tees Only!"
(From only our second season of play and gone from the league shortly thereafter so as most of you never met the man, you still choose to remember his outrageously funny entitlement to this honor.

(Week 16,1989) Pete Diesel for…well, for grossly misinterpreting our rules. Just prior to leaving his office for golf, Pete reached into a box of 5,000 personalized tees his firm had purchased for it’s annual Smith & Brooker Invitational client golf outing at Bay Valley. Pete came out with an assortment of colors (e.g. pink, blue, green, yellow, red, etc.) and immediately perceived his dilemma. He commented to Connolly that most of these tees were illegal in our league. When asked to elaborate, Pete in apparent total sincerity insisted that he had read a rule of our league specifically on point. Sure enough, Connolly could not dispute the written word when Pete showed him the rule "We play white tees." Pete’s nomination was unanimous as Tithead Whalen called the roll between uncontrollable guffaws simply by asking "is anyone opposed?" Rather than standing mute and allowing a plea of nolo contendre to be entered for him (as is our practice in such inquisitions) Pete was heard to retort "I really do have an entire bag full of white tees."

NUMBER 3
Bill Cape & Dave Lawless, for "Name Tags Gag on Gary"
(This one rocketed into the top 3 of all time receiving its due from everyone voting this year)

(August 7, 2003) Bill and Dave won the first team asshole-of-the-day award two weeks ago, when they showed up to the golf course wearing nametags. They were scheduled to play Fulgham and Blevins, and Gary had mistakenly called Bill "Dave" and Dave "Bill" a few times during a round earlier in the season (and all involved having been league members continuously for over a decade). No problem so far. This was actually a considerate gesture, helping out a seasoned member of our league. I mean, you wouldn't call a boyscout an "asshole" for gently taking an elderly woman's elbow and slowly helping her cross the street, right? But what if the elderly lady suffered from alzheimer's and the boyscout left her on an unfamiliar corner (in the country) to see if she could find her way home? That's the best analogy I can think of to explain the cold-hearted and callous act of what came next. Sometime during the round, Dave and Bill Surreptitiously switched nametags to confuse and bewilder Gary. Shame!

NUMBER 2
Mark Blevins, for "The Assassin".
(This little beauty stands the test of time and remains as before solidly in the #2 position)

(June 2, 1993) Mark Blevins, for his vicious errant drive assault of a tar worker paving a cart path on hole #14. His shameless "casual water" defense (since the body is 90% water) applies only in the sense that he would not be expected to wedge the ball from his victim's sternum. He also displayed a callous concern for "loss of yardage." DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: Victims' co-workers, for their continued feverish shoveling. If not for the victim employing the "drop and roll" maneuver, there would have been a distinct bump in the cart path. Rick Carlson, for racing down the fairway with business cards thrust outwards. Jerry Carlson, for his initial hesitation of relinquishing ice from "the tool box" for emergency medical purposes. Bill Cape, for attempting to take up a collection to buy chili for fallen worker. Last but never least, Greg Carlson (who inadvertently caused this entire mess). It seems the workers had been taking brief time outs during the day, as groups teed off on #14. That is until Greg showed up and the work stoppage became too costly. Attention spans relaxed just in time for Mark "the assassin" Blevins.

And Now... Drum Roll Please... Oh never mind. STILL #1 of All Time:

NUMBER 1
Rick Carlson, for "How can you tell it’s a Snapper?"
Besides the ultimate lack of clear thinking it takes to tease a rabid, 50 lb, moss covered prehistoric monstrosity, it named our league (and founder)
(June 15, 1988) Rick (Forevermore to be known as "Snapper") Carlson. Rick, being the educated man that he is was trying to answer the question "How can you tell that's a snapping turtle?" Rick very scientifically reached for a tee and began to poke at the turtle's nose. After several unsuccessful attempts the turtle finally reacted. Rick's alcohol sodden synapses reacted shortly thereafter, resulting in the need to stave the flow of blood from his thumb.

Now voted off the alltime top ten list but never to be forgotten were previous #4 Jim Whalen (6/29/1988) for appeasing his wife and daughter, and Bill Cape (6/23/1993) for previous #5 "Overpaid Dues", and Dave Wolfenden (7/9/1998) for "Premature Greenie Self Payment", previously # 9, and previous #10, Little Timmy K’s (8/24/2000) "Jello Shot Stealing".

Garnering significant support and thereby honorably mentioned herein are Chris Carlson (7/12/2003) "Chaos Theory", Greg Carlson (5/24/2001) for "Extreme Spousal Loyalty", Bill & Dave (5/24/2006) for "Unnatural Creation of Loose Impediments with Pruning Shears", and last but not least Dave Mitteer (7/30/2005) for "Golf Cart Shifter Sweet Spot". Great stuff, all of it but there can only be 10 on an alltime Top Ten List. Thanks for playing and see ya in the Spring for Season #21. GO SNAPPERS!!!

The Majestic Dungbeetles?

That could have been the name of the golf league, had this turd roller been on that fateful fairway that first season instead of the turtle. "Hey Rick, how do you know it's a dungbeetle?"

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