2016 Assholes of the Day

Jim Kuhla "WHAT NUMBER?" (May 26, 2016)  
Dishonorable Mentions "c-gamers" (June 9, 2016)  
Dishonorable Mentions "contendas" (June 16 and 23, 2016)  
Dishonorable Mentions "tough crowd" (July 14, 2016)  
Timmy Kachelski "grandma's cooter hair" (August 4, 2016)  
Dave Mitteer "what club were you playing?" (August 11, 2016)  

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 19, 2016:
Jim Kuhla continues to have his name pop up in the after golf aotd discussion so this time he wins it for EXTREME AND BORING BRAGGADOSCIOUSNESS (somebody help Timmy)nominated by Cape and Lawless, 2 regular guys who try to fit in and find common ground with anyone. It seems Dave apparently wanted to discuss his "a day in the life of a northern Michigan retiree transplant" and volunteered this particularly good time he had last week in his Euchre Club. KUHLA would have none of this small talk: "Did I tell you I am a member of a hunt club?" he retorted. "BIG GAME…ie B-I-G-G-G!!!!! GAME"... and "Did you know that I pay $20,000 or so per hunt????" ...and we shoot this, and we eat that. and on and on and YAWN on until Cape and Lawless decided the one sided never ending so called conversation was worthy of aotd, and being that they should know an aotd award when they see one. All soon agreed. congrats Jim "CockSure of Yourself" Kuhla.


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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 26, 2016:
Who else... Jim Kuhla. The man is on a tear apparently determined to fill his bag with yearend prize golf balls from Asshole of the day awards. So here it is. With tears of frustration and balled fists, Jerry DaBlade Carlson explained to the group after golf how Jim treated him so badly. Having only come back to the league this year after decades hiatus, he claims that he still needs a week or 2 to start shooting par golf. Until then his shots will occasionally (like last week) fly or bounce errantly into areas which would be unplayable but for the Snappers fluffing rules. When this happens, the best way for your opponents to show that they really truly care about you and your feelings is for them to help out a little attempting to locate the ball. Jim seemed to do this for Jerry on a particular hole - trudging into the knee high bramble - when unbeknownst to DaBlade, Jim simply wanted to ensure that DaBlade's ethics were intact and he would not try the ole: "here is one... yea that's mine... trick". Jim, as luck would have it, was first to locate the actual ball (allegedly) subtly palming the ball so that Jerry could not peek, he innocently asked: "what are you playing?" knowing full well that Jerry was not one of those "store bought ball" guys but instead simply played what he found while looking for the last found-then-lost ball that brought him there. The "store bought ball" guys often sharpied their initials or cute little colored dots and lines on the single ball they intended to play that night. Jim knew this was not Jerry and that when asked the question, would have to think back (??? let's see... I started the last hole with a Srixon... then played a Slazenger on the next shot, followed by a Noodle - or was it a Topflite on the approach shot????) and he might just forget. And so it went, Jerry first anguished and perplexed - went over the sequence in his mind before EUREKE!!! He remembered: "RAM! I PLAYED A RAM!!!!," He proudly shouted. Jim looked back at the palmed ball and after a moment of silence (and not wanting Jerry to get away with playing someone else's ball) innocently inquired...
"WHAT NUMBER?????????????"....

FUN FACTS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW: Titleist is the #1 ball in golf with approximately 50% market share. Callaway is next with 12-13% followed by Bridgestone, Nike, Taylormade and Srixon all with 3-12% market share of all golf balls sold and then there is Topflte, Pinnacle, Wilson, Precept, Noodle, Ultra, Flying Lady etc etc etc followed in apparent last place by RAM (now believed to be extinct) not for sale in any stores except perhaps ebay. (Query: what can you find on the internet?... Answer anything. anything except RAM golf balls that is. They don't exist) Anyone wishing to play RAM must find one previously hit into the shit by somebody else with such low self esteem as to tee one of these puppies up, and this happens (finding a previously lost RAM) about one for every 900 or so other brand balls found.

Webmaster's Note: RAMs are real, and they're spectacular!

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, June 2, 2016:
In other news: JIM KUHLA DID NOT WIN ASSHOLE OF THE DAY TODAY. It was a grim and somber faced night for Jim who admitted that after partner Ken Hochstein succeeded in duplicating Jim's famous beer can stuck to your forehead trick (albeit without teeing off) Jim said: "I JUST WASN'T FEELIN IT TODAY".

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, June 9, 2016:
No winner yet again (not even a quiet one). Considerations:
1) Pre-round scuttle included Steve 'Shang' P pointing and taunting at his opponents one at a time (Cape and lawless), "You brought your 'C' game... and you brought your 'C' game," to which returning Snapper Rick Bailey stated, "sounds like you're playing with a bunch of "C-men'" (or something to that effect)...

2) There was an early nomination of C-Money (by Cape) for getting 'grifted' out of correct change by Herb, after denominations for league games were exchanged back and forth and leaving Chris scratching his head and believing he was shorted $10 in green from Green. Someone had an Abacus APP and the controversy was quickly put down.

3) Erik Stanley nominated Timmy for carelessly spilling his beer on the deck of the new pontoon as he exited to the dock. Erik was still visibly shaken as he recalled the horrifying scene and Timmy's callous attitude for not cleaning up his spill. Erik admitted to toweling up the mess himself while under the watchful eye of the Pontoon Captain. How Erik wasn't counter-nominated for toweling Timmy's mess is still beyond me. C'mon Tim, can't you help a Brah out?

4)And lastly, Leece and his round table of jesters noticed Don Savoie's apparent post-round good-natured jovialness. "Don, it looks like you actually had FUN tonight," to which it will not be confirmed or denied that Don may or may not have replied, "I didn't know golf was supposed to be FUN." Sounds like PapaSnap's absense has been noticed.

Hey Timmy, who's your Secret Snapper? (golf round ends in bizarre one-way gift exchange, with Timmy self consciously tucking the mauve-colored plastic shopping bag under his arm after a quick peak inside. No, it wasn't a Victoria's Secret bag, as was the early speculation, and the contents were not frilly lace in nature. Stay tuned for more details as this breaking story unfolds...)

Wait... Hasn't this happened before???

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, June 16th and 23rd, 2016:


Dishonorable mention(s) #1 to Chris Carlson for attempting to accept a fairly generous gimmee putt offer for an 8 from Timmy K (who is known to never make such gentlemanly offers if the hole is still in question) when Chris knew or should have known (legal jargon) that while the team hole was already decided in tk and Boob's favor, the side bet with Boob depended upon Chris sinking the putt. Boob protested and Chris agreed to not accept the gimmee putt offer from Timmy in clear violation of Snapper rules regarding Special Rule 2a): a/k/a "Fenner/Pettigrew Rule": Any and all offers of "gimmee putt(s)" shall be considered mandatory at the sole discretion of the offeror who will always have the option of either enforcing the "gimmee acceptance" or withdrawing the offer if the offeree in fact strikes the ball; (this is intended only as an anti-handicap sandbagging rule and does not likely affect any of a variety of Snappers who routinely beg for gimmees inside a 12 ft radius of the hole). Therefore Chris did not have the option of refusing the gimmee offer legitimately made by any member of the adverse team.

Dishonorable mention #2 goes to Boob for not recognizing and accepting the legitimacy of our league rules when they were pointed out to him and he simply replied "I don't care. I got a 5 spot on it".

Dishonorable mention #3 also goes to Boob for not considering at the time of the bet itself that side bets must clearly state all the terms of the bet and anything left unsaid is at the bettor's risk. Boob may have inquired of Chris "Don Johnson" Carlson when making the bet: "So are we playing this bet according to Snapper League Rules or some other rules?... but he didn't.

Dishonorable mention #4 goes to Timmy for being a gentleman and offering the apparently insignificant putt as a gimmee. (I know why that one didn't pass the vote)

Dishonorable mention #5 goes to Jamie for well just being Jamie and talking over the explanations of issues before they were complete, challenging Chris' manhood for attempting to accept the or pretending to accept the gimmee offer initially before he replaced the pocketed ball, negotiating the approximate distance with Boob and calmly sinking the putt before the entire last hole gallery hooting and hollering in attempted distraction for the side bet win.

Finally, Dishonorable mention #6 goes to Chris for an ostensibly reasonable point of order rules inquiry on an unrelated matter. when discovering that our substitute Rich Dolph had turned in a scorecard with a one under par 35 actual, Chris asked, "so can we give him a -1 handicap under our handicap system?????" Yours truly explained the mootness of the humorous question this time since our system is based upon 80% of the difference of your score and par WITH NO ROUNDING (emphasis added). technically making Dolph's calculation 36 - 35 = -1 x .8 = -0.8 or "0" with no rounding. But what to do if we ever get a 34???

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, July 14, 2016:
No clear winner, but we do have a few dishonorable mentions.
1) When the floor opened for nominations, Timmy K jumped to the forefront and prefaced his nomination by reminding everyone that he typically arrived to the course "just in time" from work. "Everyone knows that I practice putt on the first green," explained Tim, "but I never putt towards the hole!" Darren Bentley took exception when Timmy started in with the practice putt by belligerantly putting his hands on his hips and shouting, "WTF do you think you are doing?" whereby Tim offered to break an additional rule by suspending the round in order to use the official practice green while they waited for him. When Tim concluded with his story, it was unclear to me whether Tim was nominating Darren or in fact himself and admitting to breaking Snapper League Rule #1 (USGA rules except as modified herein;) as no rule explicitely allows for practice putts during a live round.

2) Bill Cape nominated his partner Dave for missing golf due to a scheduled Friday colonoscopy and the obligatory pre-day "prep work". Many agreed that Dave could have brought his "jungle juice" to golf with him, and it woyuldn't have been the first time a Snapper was called a shitty golfer. Quite literally the "AOTD".

3) Bill also nominated Snapper (and partner, Don Savoie), for missing golf and sending two ringers from Jamie's bowling league. Rumor had it that Rick skipped Snapper golf in order to play golf with other golfers who were not Snapper golfers at the hoity toity Flint Golf Club. This snub, according to Cape, was a way worse infraction than electing to miss golf in order to have a giant metal snake inserted into one's rectum.

Ironically, by Team 1 sending two ringers on the same night so they could play golf elsewhere and/or go fishing (The ringers shot a 36 and a 42), they were invoking Special Rule 5a, a/k/a the "Cowan/Peltier Revision" allowing for this double no-show. By sending a sub who shot a 36, this robbed Steve Peltier (of the Special Rule 5a fame) the glory of the weekly low round, as he was second with a round of 37. This would have awarded Peltier with an extra golf ball at the year-end banquet. (sweet justice - bitten by his own special rule). However, Shang is entitled to demand a free beer from Snapper pursuant to this same rule, so really there are no losers here.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, July 21, 2016:
First, the Dishonorable mention, and close runner-up.
Boob was nominated by his partner, Tim, for skipping golf "for the fourth time since he's been married!" Timmy (who has had the most number of golf partners in Snapper League history) was overheard actively recruiting Bill Cape - since Bill's partner, Dave, had missed again - but Timmy prefaced it by stating, "only if Dave's health were to take a turn for the worse." Query, Did Tony Do miss more golf than Boob?

And the winner is: Jim Kuhla wins his 3rd season AOTD award, this time for POSITION ROUND ATTENTION DEFICIT, as his golf attention span was apparently interupted repeatedly during the round so he could admire various flora and fungi. "Is that a wild field of soy beans!," said Bill, mockingly impersonating Jim. Cape and Lawless are in a battle with Kuhla and Hochstein for 11th and 12th place in this 12 team league, so the average Snapper was shocked at the lack of competitiveness exhibited by Jim when Bill said, "Show them the picture of the mushrooms."

"They're Golden Shantrells," explained Jim, while holding up his phone to display this picture he had taken during the round - and as if this evidence would completely exonerate him from further scorn. Instead, the vote was instantly unanimous.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, July 28, 2016:
First, the Dishonorable mentions:
1) Erik and Justin witnessed Naked Dave's soft porn sand trap creations sculpted with just his wedge, but apparently the womanly mounds and valley were tastefully done and uplifted the female form rather than demeaning it.
2) Bill Cape, for taking numerous and repeated "practice" swings from the tall grass in proximity to where his ball lay in the rough - so many in fact, that by the time he was ready to hit his shot - the ball was coincidentally no longer surrounded by tall grass, but a massacre of dead fall.
3) Team Stanley/Albright and Peltier/Oginsky for being the first group off and not one of them getting the greenie markers.
4) The ancient and toothless Honduran woman who hand-wrapped the LEAF by Oscar cigar that Bailey gave me to smoke, as I'm pretty sure she slipped in some of those magic mushrooms featured from last week.

(pro tip: apparently these cigars are best when the large tobacco sheathing is removed first prior to igniting)

And the winner is: Jerry Carlson, but not for handing out the wrong color-coded score cards for a different nine holes and confusing the other 23 league members *(none of which seemed to notice for a full 3 holes), nor for his role in failure to remind the first group to grab the greenie markers (or otherwise run the league in a smooth and orderly fashion in Snapper's absence) - No, no. I won for OVERZEALOUS AND PREMATURE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCT. After completing the 17th hole (and aforementioned cigar loaded with some kind of psychedelics) I vigorously shook Herb's and Jamie's hands, telling them how much I enjoyed golfing with them as we walked off the green. I then tried to insist we park our carts just off the green to watch the rest of the league complete the hole (did I mention this was the 17th?), but the rest of the group thought it best if we played the last hole first. The hand shake after 18 was awkward and not as enthusiastic.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, August 4, 2016:
TIMMY KACHELSKI for well there is just no other way to put it…Timmy wins for inadvertently admitting his youthful indiscretions at Grandma's house…..come on TIM…she musta said "don't tell anyone"…???? …So there we were playing a preleague sixsome when a slight breeze freshened and blew this blob of whitish grey fuzzy stuff across the green…it coulda been milkweed…or maybe thistle seeds or even a late leftover from one of those God Awful Cottonwood trees…5 of us would of thought as much until Little Timmy K pipes up spontaneously with the observation: "Hey that looks like Grandma's cooter hairs"……funny right? Everybody laughed until yours truly inquired: "So Tim…exactly how is it that you know what your grandma's cooter hairs look like?""" ….to which Tim had no response but to silently blush to a deep scarlet color matching his OSU shirt…

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, August 11, 2016:
AOTD NAKED DAVE MITTEER who put a new twist on two prior aotds (Chris Carlson's 4 iron fakeout from years ago) and (Jim Kulha's "what # RAM you playin" from this year)…..still there was adequate imagination put into this one to cause Dave to be declared weekly asshole of the day…..It is said that Justin Albright was a perfect gentleman while he was playing good golf but then a single misshit sent him into a rage which he could not stifle until he saw that the guilty golf club which had failed him and was helicoptered as far as Justin (an apparent wannabe combination Olympic discus/javelin thrower) could manage ….and the club sank to a disappeared level beneath the tall grass nowhere to be found after a 20 minute delay or so…when to the rescue came bird dog Nakes….but "not so fast mister" said Dave as he examined the club……"what club were you playin?"…he not so innocently inquired…

Dishonorable Mention To Justin for the poor club throw..gotta work on keeping it inbounds to be an effective temper tantrum….

Dishonorable mention also to Justin & Erik…who having a fabulous round and apparently taking down their rivals and tightening the race….when…OH NO…NOT A RAINOUT…they single handedly circled back and shepherded the matches behind them to all finish so that their round would be counted…

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