2013 Assholes of the Day

Larry Cooper, you broomed Ken didn’t ya? (May 2, 2013)  
Dishonorable Unmentionables (May 9,2013)  
Larry Cooper, PIN PLACEMENT 6 today (May 16, 2013)  
Rick Carlson, For 'Tee Baggin' (May 23, 2013)  
Tom Harrison, for having it his way (May 30, 2013)  
Dishonorable Red Hat Divas (June 6, 2013)  
Chris Carlson, hands down (June 13, 2013)  
Jason Carrier, for BAD BIRD BADGERING (July 11, 2013)  
Rick Carlson, the key to his success (July 18, 2013)  
Jason Carrier, for duck hooking an analogy (July 25, 2013)  
(in the news)the first ever video evidenced nomination!! (August 8, 2013) 

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 2, 2013:

What is that you ask? But who, if anyone, won the revered Asshole of the Day Award? Was it Pic-Pic or Timmy K again? No but Timmy came close as 1st runner up. In the same week as Jason Collins made headlines for "Coming out" as the first openly gay pro athlete, and who knows, perhaps TK was inspired by this or himself motivated, from somewhere in the woods he proudly announced (several times I am told: "I am coming out, I AM COMING OUT")Now no word yet from President Obama on Timmy’s announcement although he was "profoundly supportive of Jason Cooper" according to ABC news, but Snappers are never supportive of one another for anything with the possible exception of someone offering to buy beer. So with no homophobia intended we simply with a few polite "Hmmm hmmms", nominated TK for making such announcement easily and reasonably construed by us as unnecessarily seeking affirmation that his sexual choices are of any more interest to us than say when he has previously been caught hoggn'.

And the winner is: Larry Cooper: Larry and partner "Galaxy Ken" Hochstein were welcomed to the Snapper league last year in 2012. we thought they liked each other... or at least could tolerate each other. THEY WON THE LEAGUE for crissakes. Apparently it was not as easy and drama free as Coop would have liked it though coming down to the final hole of the season and all. This year they signed up early to defend their title. They even paid early Galaxy Ken delivering envelopes of cash to Snapper at the bowling alley when it was still snowing. ok they are in right? until a week in advance of the start of 2013 when Larry sent me a text with his new partners info saying something about Ken having surgery on his bad shoulder or something similar making it sound like he was already in full body cast and traction.Imagine our surprise when Galaxy Ken showed up at the 18th hole gathering with no body cast and no cast at all, drinkin a beer and an "aw shucks guys I wish I could play but Coop broomed me" look on his face. So even though it was clear that is what happened I asked him:

"Larry you broomed Ken didn’t you?"... he didn’t immediately deny it and therefore in Snapper tradition denials and protestations and defenses offered once an AOTD nomination is made were simply rejected by a resounding vote and chant of AAAAASSHOLE!... AAAAASSHOLE!... AAAAASSHOLE! Congratulations Larry.


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AOTD: Goes to (wait for it)NO ONE. To maintain the integrity of the award none was given this week as the shenanigans did not quite measure up. Although, Chris Carlson was intriguingly close being actually first nomimated by nonleague member Captain Bill. It seems Chris was just a little to lackadaisical with his possessions, first calling the boat back after it had pulled away from the dock after disembarking Chris and companions. Chris left his full beer on the boat. Obligingly, Bill returned to dock from several yards out into the water and allowed Chris back on board for necessary beer retrieval. then repeat * disembark passengers * pull away from dock * start back across the pond. what's that????.... you saying something Chris? You say you want back aboard again cuz you dropped the league gambling money bag aboard when you bent over for the beer retrieval the first time?... good sport Captn Bill allowed it but then seemed to find another gear on the ole pontoon when he got Chris' arse off the boat the second time, never looking back just in case - but waving good bye over his head.

The 2nd nomination was Galaxy Ken Hochstein, remember him? Broomed by partner and 1st week AOTD Larry "Coop" Cooper for a feigned injury report. Ken returned week 2, golfed pre-league, then subbed with another for his 2nd 9 holes of the day. Ken was nominated for nevertheless bringing a fold up lawn chair to sit in to change into and out of golf shoes. It seems he can't bend over like the rest of us... he is injured don't ya know???

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 16, 2013:
Goes to LARRY COOPER. Playing Cape and Lawless, longtime league members and also known as "the MacKenzie Brothers" for their constant banter back and forth reminiscent of the famous "hoser" Great White North Canadian tv brothers from by gone days. Bill and dave still were not certain Coop was gonna fit into the league personality not having been around him enough to know for certain. Then they were certain when one asked the Cooper team what today's pin placement was and of the 4 choices appearing on the scorecard to help us with our distance control (ie 1,2,3 and 4) the immediate emphatic response was "PIN PLACEMENT 6 today". After the well presented AOTD nomination and consideration and vote was over, then and only then did Coop pay attention and attempt to defend himself saying" I think my partner Greg said that". Too late Coop. It didn't happen that way cuz we said it didn't. Congratulations on your 2nd AOTD award of the season.

Honorable mention went out to Ken Hochstein who technically, not holding a league roster spot nevertheless has perfect attendance.

!!!! And HOPEFULLY on the mend but last week added to the temporarily physically unable to perform list is Herb Green with a back injury again. Good thoughts and well wishes to Herb and Boob Baughman (ankle fx). hurry back guys.


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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 23, 2013:
Goes to Rick Carlson. Snapper was quietly going about his business at the ole post game meeting adding, subtracting, multiplying by .8 for handicaps, Etc. He reached in his pocket for a pencil and came out with what for all intents and purposes appeared to be a GIGANTIC bag of long tees (maybe 50-60 in all). He then chuckled sheepishly and informed everyone voluntarily without being prompted that he had all day one hole at a time forgotten to bring a tee with him and asked for one from partner Don Savoie each hole not realizing that he had this secret stash on him the whole time. So for either extreme forgetfulness or ultra stupidity for admitting to the group that which they may otherwise not have known Snapper got himself nominated and quickly voted ASSHOLE... ASSHOLE... ASSHOLE!!!

Honorable mention went out to Jamie Leece for insisting that we play in this cold cold and very wet condition. During the pre round consideration of whether to play or not to play as Snapper and other league officials met at the course with the pro Majestic Steve to assess and consider and decide what to do this day. Snapper was distracted by whining telephone and text message inquiries "are we gonna play" from the same 3 guys as usual, everyone else realizing that the decision to play or not play would be determined and given to all at the course just prior to tee time. Anyway, Jamie was the consensus Asshole of the day until Snapper took it from him. His defense that "The Course was open" neglects the fact that Majestic Steve would never have forced it upon us to play even though he welcomed the decision to go out with this analogy: "Sometimes you gotta screw a fat chick to appreciate a skinny pretty one". I don't know exactly what he meant. Something about a sunny day vs. a rainy day? Ask TK if he gets the comparison.


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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 30, 2013:
Goes to Tom Harrison. Tom's opponent for the night (Snapper) waited patiently but anxiously for Tom and partner to arrive so he could get off the tee maybe early and possibly get on the road as Snapper was driving up north after golf to a Houghton Lake Tourney. Anticipation grew as Cooper reported at 4:20pm that Tom just reported in to him by phone that he was just down the road and almost here. Tom actually arrived at 5:35pm (just in time to avoid a forfeit) as everybody else was long gone. Being late is not the problem. Everybody has work and family obligations from time to time. so Tom, where were ya? Huh? Me? Just having dinner down the road at Big Boy... and he didn't even bring an extra slim jim but he wins aotd for the night.

Honorable mention went out to 1st runner up Larry Cooper for his negotiation with Maguffee. Bob as you know hates to golf with no bet on the line and Coop was damn intent on squeazin as much as he could outta bob for the fewest hdcp strokes possible. Bobbie's standard bet is $2/round per player bet. Coop, who is often accused of having too much money, wanted more. When Bob offered to bet him $3, coop exclaimed, "3 bucks? Really? 3 bucks?... if I lose can I make payments?" Bobbie was not intimidated and stuck to his guns $3 it was. Don't know who won or how many installments were agreed to.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, June 6, 2013:
Apparently none were deserving as the call for a vote fell short. This often happens when someone nominates themselves which is sometimes taken as a cheap attempt to scavenger a free ball.

Honorable mention went out to yours truly Rick "Snapper" Carlson for self proclaimed stupidity and/or plain inattentiveness (depending upon how you look at it) I nominated myself when a Snapper (I will not name so as not to embarrass him) came to the tee at the start of the round and quietly asked me not to embarrass him for not recognizing which of his playing opponents was which this night. "No no! Don't let them see you looking," he whispered. Which one is Scott (Cowan as opposed to Steve Peltier). Looking over his shoulder, I secretively eyed Scott donning a red baseball cap so I said, "he is the one wearing the red cap". The reply surprised me when he glanced over and quickly back and stated emphatically, "They both have on red caps you fuckin idiot!" Well try to help and see what it gets ya!. For those of you going to the website and/or facebook page for the league you will note sure enough I was a fucking idiot indeed, as per the posted photo.

2nd honorable mention goes to Larry Cooper, who was an opponent in the same foursome as Cowan/Peltier and at the end of the round inquisitively asked, "Did Scott's greenie hold up?" I am not saying who the guy was who didn't know Cowan and Peltier apart in the previous nomination, but I do note here that the greenie never was Scott's. It was again... Steve's? Ha!

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, June 13, 2013:
Chris CMONEY CARLSON wins it hands down. That's right, hands down... not his hands - WOLFIE's hands were down. Wolf gets the honorable mention (more on that later) as Chris lined up an incoming hole #18 shot aiming 10-12 feet right of the green to bring it gently in to the green with his naturally reliable draw approach shot. only problem is it didn't draw. well that was not exactly the only problem. another problem was that without yours truly SNAPPER there to tell em what to do the last hole gallery of lemmings parked themselves say about or no more like exactly 10-12 feet right of the green hoping to get a good view of incoming shots. well they got a good view of this one as Chris' shot landed on a cart right in the middle of the grouping. Chris claimed he could not see the shot to yell fore. amongst the many denials of Snappers that this was a poor excuse as they all saw it. it was pointed out in his defense by Chris, which defense rightfully went down as all defenses to AOTD nominations should that neither his playing partner nor opponents Timmy K and Boob yelled fore either and they were supposed to be watching. Scott apparently almost agreed with Chris by pointing out that everyone seemed to be yelling about the incoming missile shot except the foursome from which it came... ha! Chris you win the AOTD buddy for trying to scatter the boys even if you say you didn't really try to do it.

Honorable mention went out again to Wolf. he apparently saw the thing the entire way and gave step by step calm updates as the ball approached... "Its coming this way guys"... it is going to land over this way guys"... it is going to land right here"... as he pointed at Don's golf cart... and was absolutely correct but Holy CHRIST Wolf. THE WORD IS FORE!!!!!!!!! Not spoken so calmly.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, July 11, 2013:
Jason Carrier for BAD BIRD BADGERING... and RESULTING SWOOPING SWALLOW SWATTING. As all the happy and relaxed Snappers gathered quietly on the drydock boat for the post round meeting the chairs were taken quickly and newbie Jason Carrier, whom nobody yet realized apparently either has somewhat of a mean streak or is just plain ignorant of the naturally occurring phenomenon in the animal kingdom of "Territoriality". Determined that if Snappers had to share and share alike the limited space allotted for our meeting with each other, then the several nesting Swallows would just have to move over and make room themselves. as Jason stood to the side he reached up over his head and set his beer can on the rafter ledge, although Chris insists: "For crying out loud, he used the nearest Swallows nest as his beer coozie"... Mere Words cannot convey the scene that followed. it most resembled the scene outside the schoolhouse in Hitchcock's movie "the birds". swallows scattered and flew away momentarily returning with reinforcements to express their displeasure... swooping and squawking and head pecking not only at Jason but all of us his apparent co-conspirators. stopping only when Jason moved a few steps away from the nest coozie with his beer... THANK YOU JASON

Honorable mention: Dave Lawless was once again nominated by his partner in an obvious attempt to both take advantage of his highly imbibed partner Dave Lawless and to perhaps get him a golf ball... Bill insisted Dave threw a beer bottle into his bushes at home and pissed on his garage while picking him up for golf. Dave had two defenses : #1 Did not (burp) and #2 I'm drunk".

GOLF TIP OF THE DAY: "You are standing too close to the ball... after you hit it" ...Genes Hackman in the movie BAT21

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, July 18, 2013:
Yours Truly Rick Carlson finished his round and could not locate his keys to open his truck. In the cart?... No. Pockets (all 16 of em in his cargo shorts)?... no. Golf bag?...no. Check all again... no. Check all a third time? No. He had on this hot hot day left windows cracked about an inch each. Must be in the truck. no problem got a spare key for just such an unlikely event in a weatherproof magnetic box accessible from outside. Oh forgot that's sitting inside the truck on the console. So various potential tools were inserted through the one inch window gap to no avail. First trusty ole coat hanger. Next a golf club. Finally a broom borrowed from the cart guys. All too short. Just before Rick went to the 18th green to borrow the flagstick, Chris took a shot with a hooded 9 iron straight down in a blind safe cracking attempt listening for the "click" and with youthful dexterity and "eye hand " coordination long since a memory for Snapper, there it was "CLICK" open. A full search of the truck found no keys inside and so once again Rick checked Cart?... no. Pockets?... no. Golf bag (where he never puts them under grunge balls)?... uh yea there they are. So Chris promises not to tell anyone with a smirk on his face which was difficult to believe. Then Jamie nominates Rick for locking his keys in the car and Chris smirks this time biting his tongue and Rick realizing his only defense was to exclaim, "I did not! They were in my golf bag the whole time," immediately won the AOTD hands down because as he knew before he says it it was not a defense at all. Especially when Jamie and his scrutinizing attention to detail pointed out that clearly Snapper had done this same thing recently or the spare key would be where it belongs. oh well.

Honorable mention: Dave Barnett a card carrying member of PETA does not yet appreciate that turtles are not people (at least not in this league) when he saw one crossing the cart path at "break neck speed" (for the turtle) he almost broke his partners neck by going from 30 to 0 mph instantly. Throesch was bent forward clipping his toenails and apparently went through the windshield.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, July 25, 2013:
Jason Carrier wins for "duck hooking an analogy"... we'll get to that later. First some background. Apparently, Naked Dave found a great deal on a Persimmon type recovery club at a garage sale a few week's back and had it with him on the league night of July 11th for the boy's scheduled match against Larry Cooper and Greg Gearlds. While I haven't personally seen this club, I'm told it's old and weathered with a fraying grip and noticeable rust on a cracked and crooked shaft (which takes a distinct Bill Clintonian left turn at the hozzle - but hey, it was cheap!). As the story was told to me, at some point during the round - Larry was inclined to ask Dave if he could use this club on a tricky lie - and after some prodding, received Dave's reluctant permission. Immediately, Larry began to stripe the ball with outstanding shot after unbelieveable shot. Long story short (too late?) Larry purchased his very own recovery club later that week. Apparently in a different tax brackett than Nakes, Coop spared no expense in his purchase, opting for a brand new beauty that was rumored to be bejeweled and plated with ridiculously expensive diamonds and rare gems... and Larry couldn't hit it a lick. *Chunk* *Chunk* *Thin*!

Fast forward to last week, when Larry and Dave swapped clubs prior to the round. When it was all over and Larry returned smiling to the dry-docked Minnow after having smashed the ball with Dave's wicked and twisted wonderclub, they both agreed to officially swap clubs (Dave no doubt caring whether he could hit a ball with his newfound club, but that it could be resold on Ebay for the equivalent of two year's worth of his law school student loans).

When the huge cost differential was pointed out to Larry, he emphasized, "yeah, but it goes straight!"

To which Jason said (remember Jason?, this is a story about Jason)... wait for it... "I've got a '96 Taurus. It mostly goes straight down the road. Wanna trade for that?"

Dishonorable Mention: Paul Throesh nominated opponent Jeff Shook for his refusal to allow Dave Barnett a 'gimmee putt' for an eleven. SnapDaddy led the rest of the league in nominating Paul for his unfortunate nomination (as Dave chunked his putt and tapped in for twelve.)

PICTURED: This is not an actual picture of Larry's decked out and loaded 2013 Dodge Ram Truck and Jason's 1996 Ford Taurus. But if it was, Larry should consider the transaction if his truck performs like his new Persimmon and continuously slices off the road and into the trees.

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