2011 Assholes of the Day

Winner: Bob "Snakemaster" Maguffee (May 5, 2011) 
Honorable Mentions, from Seve to Dick Van Dyke (May 12, 2011) 
Winner: Chris "CMoney" carlson for Failed "Man Up!" (May 19, 2011) 
Honorable Mention: Steve "Heartless" Markunas (June 9, 2011) 
Winner: Tim Kachelski, for "debauchery and intent to defraud" the league (June 16, 2011) 
"CART 79 WHERE ARE YOU?!" (August 18, 2011) 
Honorable Mention: Bobbie comes up short! (August 25, 2011) 

ASSHOLE OF THE DAY:, May 5, 2011:
Honorable mentions to Steve Markunas & Dave Wolfenden who of course were 1st to leave for the # 10 tee which with the pontoon boat down for repairs meant either a leisurely golf cart ride up#1 cart path until you arrive at 10 or the pond hugging dirt track race up the "Hike/Bike" trail - you know which they took. Imagine the surprise and chagrin of Snapper as he lead a wagon train of the most of the rest of the guys up the same path only to encounter two gargantuous downed trees completely blocking the way and incapable of being moved out of the way by 6 or 7 guys (we tried)….everybody pitched in except for Markie Mark whose sole past experience at manual labor was shouting "come on guys!" which he did until we stopped and went back all the while knowing the Wolf & Steve must have known this would happen and failed intentionally to warn us (which they later admitted)

The winner is: Bob "Snakemaster" Maguffee who refused to allow his partner to accept an offered "Pic Pic" for a 3 putt thereby increasing his chance for more points because it might result in Bobbie be entitled to a Snake dollar from his partner who was confused trying to understand all the rules or as his opponent and tutor Chris CMoney was explaining "they are not really rules - they are mostly exceptions" only to have Bobby prevent him from enjoying his 1st "Pic Pic". we get it Bobby - we know Snakes - but doesn't prevent you from gettn AOTD for taking your Snakes seriously.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY, May 12, 2011:
No asshole-of-the-day was awarded to maintain it's integrity. Honorable Mention goes to Jerry "DaBlade" Carlson for his tearful skyward glance over the ball and pre-shot out loud promise "THIS IS FOR YOU SEVE!", then proceeding to blade the 12' putt about 20' at a 45 degree angle to the hole.

Dave "Nakes" Mitteer gets an honorable mention nod. After being reminded by partner Chris to "Please be quiet while I am over my putt", Dave carefully, quietly and meticulously placed his empty beer can in the trash receptacle. So far, so good - as you could have heard a pin drop. At least until partner Chris started his putting stroke simultaneous to Nake blindly tripping over the wire basket ala "Dick Van Dyke's ottoman. The resulting racket made it impossible to hear a pin drop (or the putt for that matter).

Paul Throesch, for refusing Jamie's request to borrow his GPS, but promising to give him the reading. (which, for some reason, he doesn't - and causes his own partner distance problems).

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY, May 19, 2011:
Honorable mentions go out to following nominees:

Bob MaGuffee who when asked if he had fully recovered from his pneumonia which caused him to miss league last week unsuccessfully tried to coherently verbalize the following words he had in his head: "I still have remnants" which instead sounded to everyone listening as if he had said: "I still have Rim Nits". What the Hell are Rim Nits?" he was asked by one Snapper while visualizing a bunch of young lice dancing a circle around his anal orifice." Rim Nits... Rim Nits... you know. Rim Nits!," Bobbie exclaimed trying oh so hard to express himself.

Jamie Leece gets the passing nomination for commenting on the rear end of Bobbie's low riding jeans when his name came up. Jamie's crime? Checkin out Bob's Ass.

And the winner is... may I have the envelope please. Chris CMoney Carlson, who at the famous last hole greenside gathering whispered in his Papa C's ear that his girlfriend Sheena who was picking him up and giving him a ride home was here already and that he had considered his two options: 1. Bring her up to the post round meeting for a drink with the guys while he assisted me with the weekly business and game winner payouts... and 2. Just quietly sneak out and go and not help me this week to avoid an AOTD nomination which would surely come if he brought his woman to the meeting... and so he left... all of which was fine with the guys until an unidentified Snapper spoke up from the crowd with a third option Chris had completely failed to consider: "He coulda just made her wait in the car til he was finished"... that seemed to make sense to the majority of the Snappers laughing out loud during the vote so long as their vote were kept secret from their own women.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY, June 9, 2011:
None deserving - not even Steve "Hollywood" Markunas for his "heartless" comment about league founder and Snapper president prior to the round. Read on.

As concerned league members know, SnapDaddy underwent a heart ablation procedure this past Thursday. I unselfishly agreed to fill-in as his substitute so he wouldn't suffer any undue stress regarding possibly losing the four match points for not securing a sub. (Sorry Snap, you lost those points after the first three holes)… Anyways, I stopped up to the hospital to check up on Snapper and to grab the ManBag on the way to the course. Snap had apparently just regained semi-lucidity, but was slurring his words like he had spent the entire day at Sharkey's in perpetual happy-hour mode. In an unsuccessful attempt at quiet whispering, Snap proceeded to tell me the story of "THE JAMAICAN SHAVING LADY" who attacked his groinage area "WITH A F*&KING MACHETTE!!" It was then I noticed nervous nurses noticeably picking up speed as they passed Snap's open doorway.

Leaving the hospital poste-haste, I got to the course and found league members on the lawn beer boat "stretching" and otherwise getting ready for their rounds. I updated them on Snap's status and shared the fact that his surgery lasted 5 ½ hours. "5 ½ hours!," exclaimed Steve. "So the doctors couldn't find a heart in him either?" Ouch. Hey Snap. Sounds like your brother-in-law is feeling neglected and needs a hug.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY, June 16, 2011:
Dishonorable Mentions:
Bill Cape, for driving the passenger tires of his golf cart irratically over large landscape rocks which were placed precariously beside the paved cart path near the worker's booth just outside of the clubhouse prior to the round. When "John" the shuttle driver objected, Bill feigned a back and neck injury, boisterously complaining the fact that there were no warning signs of "ROCKS NEXT TO CART PATH AHEAD". "Why are there no arrows or reflectors clearly marking this hazard?," inquired Bill. Darren answered this question with his own, "Don't the large rocks mark themselves?" To which Bill retorted, "Obviously the safety of the customers are not a top priority," as he rubbed the back of his neck and dangling the prospects of a class action as bait in a feeble attempt to get Nakes to take the case. "Besides, I was distracted by my partner Dave's yelling," to which Jamie responded, "Yeah, he was yelling 'WATCH OUT FOR THE ROCKS'". Jamie also made the point that Bill had no business piloting a cart at the clubhouse prior to the boatride to the starting tenth tee. Partner Dave successfully argued that they shouldn't be expected to walk the 20 feet from the booth the the shuttle pickup in front of the beer boat.

Dave Mitteer gets a nomination for his practice shot from the 16th par 3 tee. Boxed in at the corner, with Crouse Road to the east and Old US23 to the south, Dave decided to take his practice swing to the west, a blind shot over trees and back towards the 15th green. He struck his 163-yard club exactly 163 yards directly at Darren, who was 164 yards away and minding his own business on the 15th green.

And the winner is - The motion from the previous post carried, and Tim Kachelski was awarded the season's third Asshole-of-the-Day for "debauchery and intent to defraud" the rest of the league by awarding himself 4 match points to which he was not entitled when he was the only member of this threesome present to be in a position to know the rules. Let's review the facts of this infraction:

* FACT: Mark Blevins did not show and had no sub, putting Team Kachelski/Blevins in violation of Rule 6.
* FACT: The penalty for violation of Rule 6 is the forfeiture of the 4 match points to opponents.
* FINDINGS: Since the above penalties for rules violations require both Tm 2 and Tm 3 to forfeit the 4 match points to the other, and since this creates a circular loop, 2 out of 3 Carlsons decided that NO MATCH POINTS would be awarded for this match.

Tim offered a weak defense, stating someone else scored his card after the round on the beer boat, but when he was reminded of his Card Captain duties - he hung his head in shame and defeat.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY, August 18, 2011:


Snapper Bites - Honorable Mention for AOTD:

It has been a disturbingly boring golf league this year involving only golf, good times and a few beers. While that is all well and good for most leagues the fact that we have only 3 Asshole of the Day awards thus far for the entire year is shameful. Don't you realize people that we have a tradition to uphold? A lot of people used to enjoy reading our newsletter in hopes of seeing what their favorite Snapper League member did this time. Well I wouldn't say that we have not had an influence upon the employees of the previously completely blasé (that is a word isn't it?) and always professional Majestic Golf course employees who from time to time have apparently had our antics rub off on them. Recall Captn Bill taking out the boat dock and hobbling the pontoon motor to the tune of an expensive repair after doing figure 8s and donuts on approach? Then of course don't forget Captn Brad last year impersonating Naked Dave's man overboard trick when he found out too late that the step over from the boat to the dock was just too damn far for his stride? Likely due to some other yahoo neglecting to properly tie it off to the pole. Well now it seems that Majestic Employee of the Week Steve Hable may have outdone the both of them. I won't say where I heard this as I understand when the recent fiasco was finally completed Steve was heard to say: "I'm just glad this wasn't Snapper League Night or I would never have heard the end of this!" Well Steve we do have our information sources so let the catcalls and guffaws begin. Reminiscint of a 1960s tv show I call this story related to me by a competent source or two...

Steve Hable stars in - CART 79 WHARE ARE YOUUUUUU???
It seems that Steve Hable was assigned the duty this particular night of putting the carts away in the hole #10 cart barn. As we all know, golfers finish the front nine and pull the carts to and onto the boat launch dock going towards the water and then around the bag drop and leave them pointed towards the cart barn. An employee then later cleans them of trash and drives them 15 yards or so towards and into the cart barn... a seemingly simple task when you think about it - what could go wrong??? Well apparently some league member felt that this was just too much trouble so he left the cart on the dock pointed towards the water rather than making the sweeping slow and easy left hand turn around the bag drop to the Majestic cart guy, in this case Steve Hable- What happened next in detail is sketchy... did some golfer juice the cart with a golf tee stuck in the carburetor? Did Steve himself do it to finish early? ...did the golfer also foolishly leave an unfinished can of beer or drink that Steve thought was a waste he could not allow? That's the way I heard it. With head tipped back downing the beer with his right hand Steve steered the cart (or tried to) with his left hand while gunning the accelerator in a halfass attempt to "burn rubber like the Snappers" - well poor Steve missed the turn and found old cart #79 face first in Lake Walden with what used to be a perfectly good 2 by 12 guardrail floating out to sea. Upon being extracted from the water and discovering no physical injuries, recovering the guardrail the only question left was is the cart damaged. Several of Steve's coworkers who had come to laugh at him I mean to help him noticed that the cart engine had not submerged. Mechanically inclined Captn Bill I am told completed the donut in the juiced cart Steve had failed at then did 3 more successfully and declared cart #79 mechanically sound and fit for travel. Way to go Steve Hable!!!!!!!

Also noteworthy is a story I heard of a cart girl stopping by the practice green to ask a prone sleeping elderly golfer (someone who looked like me I assume) if he wanted something. When he did not answer she rushed to the clubhouse pronouncing him dead and a requested a 911 call... pro shop guys who unlike the cart girl were trained in CPR rushed out to the guy who by now was practicing a few putts and wondered what the hell she was talking about. It is nice to see the influence we have had on these previously normal people but at the same time It is a shame that they now provide the antics for our discussion and reading pleasure rather than the other way around.

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ASSHOLE OF THE DAY, August 25, 2011:
Alright, no asshole of the day last week either but only because the majority of Snappers refused to give it to Magguff when he may well have deserved it this time. Bobbie raced to the first tee to try his hand at stealing the tee and moving ahead of those scheduled to begin before him. He quickly squatted, teed the ball up and got into his "Ready at Address Position", all before realizing he had but a putter in his hand. Nice honorable mention Bobbie and don't be too disappointed for coming up a little short! Remember, only a true asshole can't get enough friends to vote for him for asshole of the day!!!!! One friend to another: you will always be an asshole in my book Bob.

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