2007 Assholes of the Day


Chad Ellis (8/16/07)  "Unprepared for golf"
Jerry Carlson (8/9/07)  "Self inflicted goose excrement
Tim Kachelski (7/26/07)  "illogical explanation of sock tees"
Jerry Carlson (7/12/07)  "disregard for card captain duties"
Bill Cape (6/28/07)  "Scotch taped wallet"
Bill Cape (6/21/07)  "Conduct unbecoming to a Snapper"
Steve Peltier (6/14/07)  "Shang wins WDFN drawing"
Dave Mitteer (5/31/07)  "Man Overboard!"


Asshole-of-the-day, August 16, 2007
Chad Ellis wins for being completely unprepared to play golf; Chad is well known to us since he joined the league for having a youthful exhuberance and willingness to play golf which he has never been able to match with preparedness. Perhaps if he had been a boy scout as a child… but alas… too late now. Chad has always claimed that his job makes appearing at league on time, if at all, inconvenient and difficult. He has waived frantically to us crossing the lake on the last boat, and found us with 3 holes left to play, he has played in a longsleeve button down dress shirt, cuffed and pressed suit pants, flip flops as well as dress shoes, but he has always brought with him the rudiments necessary to in fact engage in play, i.e., always until last week when he showed up ready to play and said "LET’S GO!" to his partner Micha who inquired if he could help him with his golf clubs. It was then discovered that to play this day, Chad would have to rely upon Micha to allow him to alternate shots playing out of Micha’s bag as Chad, who reminiscent of the Mexican who brought only a knife to a gunfight stood there ready to play golf with only his "Johnson" in his hand. "Golf Clubs?... What Golf Clubs?... Golf Bag?... what Golf Bag?. Micha, gentleman that he is, complied, remarking only that he was glad he wasn’t a lefty.

Honorable Mention: Rick "Snapper" Carlson for putting Joe Gilbert in charge for the night. Joe says he took a vote and it passed that we will hereafter play "White Tees." More on that later once the Carlsons return to discover exactly who dared vote on this in our absence and why. Snapper is said to be reviewing his billing practices and accounts receivables for various league members before asking this question.

       

Uh-oh Snapper... What'dja do??
August 19, 2007

I just returned from another family excursion into the untamed wilderness of the Michigan State Park system. While there were no wandering grizzly bears on this trip, there was one bloodthirsty squirrel who dropped acorns from his lofty perch every 30-45 seconds over the course of the entire week. Think "Chinese water torture." While a single acorn does little damage, let me assure you that the cumulative pyschological effect of these tiny nuts bouncing off the roof of a pop-up camper, awning, picnic table, and/or head is devastating... *twitch* Sure I could have moved to a different site, but DaBlade will not succumb to evil incarnate!

Honorary Carlson?
As of this posting, I have not yet spoken to Snapper since last week's league night. I do know that he stated that neither he nor C-Money would be there, meaning that there were no league officials present. I have no idea what arrangements he made for conflict resolution. If Shang's guestbook post is to be believed, Snapper "elected" someone to be acting official in our absence, and even gave them a written document of authorization. Furthermore, this "Honorary Carlson" evidently became drunk with power and enacted numerous "new rules" that the league would have been obligated to follow.

Now don't misunderstand. No real permanent damage can be done in this fashion, as Snapper and DaBlade return this week and can strike down these unjust new rules. I believe this has been done in the past when Shang was the designated league driver for one week and couldn't handle the pressure (although I don't remember the specifics and what rules Shang enacted in this way that required intervention the following week). However, I am left wanting answers to the following questions...

Who did Snapper swear in? Hollywood? Cape? Naked Dave?
Was the scope of authority on note limited in any way?
How did this individual abuse this priveledge?
Must there be a retroactive fix that requires re-scoring?
How many acorns can one F%*king tree hold?
*twitch*
Snapper's email to DaBlade
August 20, 2007
So I needed to get the scorecards and sheets to league last week when I discovered you on vacation and chris and I skipping to take Scusi out to dinner for her birthday. Joe Gilbert agreed and I decided to let him have some fun with these guys who i knew would challenge our absence somehow. I wrote him 2 notes, one giving him my proxy to resolve conflicts arising that night and then anticipating someone (like Shang or Markunas) would point out that it takes 2 of 3 Carlsons to resolve anything so i gave him the second note to then pull out when this happened in which I claimed I had your proxy and he could then argue that he got mine and yours since I claimed I had yours.
illegal proxy I wasn't worried about it because of Joes personality which can put down dissent easily plus I didnt tell Joe that I was lying and I really did not have your proxy... you never gave it to me...I never had it... I lied so sue me... but you see there is nothing signed by you to me and it is therefore easilly disproved that there was a proxy from you to me which I will readily admit when you bring it up and therefore, Joe had only my one vote not mine and yours and could not rightfully assert he was 2 of 3 carlsons even for the day.

Moreover, while Joe pretended that the white tee rule revision was a "conflict" resolution it is not. there was no conflict as the term was intended to resolve disputes under our rules which might otherwise be considered ambiguous and open to more than one interpretation. Our blue tee rule allows for but a single interpretation, i.e., play blue tees. It cannot reasonably be said to be ambiguous and therefore there was really no "conflict" whatsoever to resolve.

Of course as you aptly pointed out whatever was done can be undone as soon as you and i are both there... as I was careful to limit the proxy to the date in question only. The yahoos were not smart enough to try to change the 2 of 3 Carlson rule which would have been the only thing they could have done or attempted to do with arguably long lasting implications. So you see, to avoid leaving them to their own devises I put them busy as Lemmings trying to figure out what they could do to mess with us knowing that it was not really going to matter anyway, which is the spirit in which we rule the Snapper empire anyway, right brother? RAC
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Asshole-of-the-day, (August 9, 2007)
Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you

Lynyrd Skynyrd - That Smell

Majestic Beer Babe of the Week: Laura!

Laura
Pictured: DaBlade poses with this week's MBBOTW, Laura, in front of the cargo hold of the beer shuttle. Why does DaBlade appear to be covered in goose excrement? Read this week's Asshole-of-the-day to find out. I approached Laura shortly after my unfortunate soiling from the previous hole, hollering from my cart, "excuse me. I'm sure you get this all the time, but I believe I may have just shat myself". For future reference, she carries no handi-wipes, disinfectant spray, or antibiotic creams of any kind in her cart.

DaBlade wins ("self reference in the third person" alert! I'm writing myself up again and have promised DaBlade to be gentle) for an ill-conceived and poorly executed trick golf shot attempt on hole number 16, a 196 yard par 3. If it takes 180 yards to clear the pond from the tee, then DaBlade hit his ball exactly 179.99 yards, as it had come to rest right on the greenside shoreline. 70% of the ball was still dry, the other 30% was nestled in a thick, black, gooey stew. The water level was down, so he had level ground to stand on between the bank and the pond. Markunas was prodding DaBlade to take a club length out of the water, but to no avail, as DaBlade had visions of grandeur. He stood with his back to the green, holding his pitching wedge in his right hand with the blade facing the hole. He raised Excalibur as if in salute, and with a mighty downward blast, drove his ball about a clublength toward the hole while at the same time sending a veritable fountain of goo showering into the atmosphere- covering his entire right side from "sock to ball cap" with globules of black pond scum. All I could think of was a Jim Carrey line from the movie Ace Ventura Pet Detective, "had I been drinking from the toilet, I might have been killed!"

Honorable mention: Dave Lawless narrowly missed the top honors with his "nice try" for point larceny with the submission of his improperly filled out scorecard. As most of you know, when only one member of a team shows, then the score of the solo golfer is doubled (as is his handicap) and scored against the opponents team totals hole-by-hole. It seems that Dave posted his score next to his absent partner Bill's name in apparent hopes that Snapper would be confused when scoring this card. (yes Timmy, an "18" handicap is more than a "9" handicap, even after you double both). "Lawless" indeed!

INJURY REPORT:
The Snappers Golf League would like to send out "Get Well Soon" wishes to former Beer Babe "Jill". According to the new Beer Babe "Laura", Jill had a golf cart mishap that resulted in a broken ankle the previous week (probably right after Guy neglected to tip her). It's not clear to me why this would prevent Jill from servicing us with beer this week, but whatever. Of course, I immediately declared Laura the new MBBOTW, displacing the injured Jill. Just step over your comrade's carcass Laura. Hey, golf must go on!

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Asshole-of-the-day, (July 26, 2007)
Timmy K. wins, not for the act of inserting numerous tees from the top of his tube sock, the wooden heads protruding like bullets from a banditos ammunition belt, but for his illogical explanation of same. Guy Metzger noticed this faux pas fashion statement of Timmy's and inquired by asking the obvious question, "why do you have tees in your socks?" Timmy proudly stated his reasoning that, "if I break a tee, I don't have to go all the way back to the cart." Guy retorted by reminding Tim that he had to go back to the cart after slicing his drive anyways.

The only feasible (albeit unlikely) explanation that Timmy could have presented would entail breaking his tee on an out-of-bounds shot and not take his distance by re-teeing. Even in this rare occurence, does one need a dozen replacement tees at the ready? "Where do you guys keep your extra tees?," asked Timmy, in an apparent attempt at a "gotcha!". If this was an episode of "Family Fued", then "Pockets" would have been the most popular answer. "My pockets have holes in them," stated Timmy, in a thinly veiled attempt at a sympathy pass on the final vote (to no avail). An annonymous Snapper league member suggested that Timmy's real reason for the tees setting up above his sock line was to keep his "balls" from dragging.

Honorable mention: Shang suggested a change in venue to a new course next year since he now has conquered the Majestic. The vote had been taken at this point and the majority of the quorem had already disbanded, or Shang would have likely won his third golf ball of the night to go with his low actual and low net.
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Asshole-of-the-day, (July 12, 2007)
Jerry "DaBlade’ Carlson wins his first AOTD award for the year for total disregard for his duties and responsibilities as a league officer and for that matter as a league member and card captain. After an enjoyable round on a beautiful night with good company, a reasonable score and a couple of points a few brewskies and a leisurely boat ride back to the post match meeting on the old Majestic patio deck, Jerry politely participated for 2 and one half minutes…got up out of his seat and said screw it, I’m outta here, leaving Snapper to await the submission of the scorecards, prepare and draw the skin hole, take the Ahole nominations and votes and maintain whatever modicum of order is otherwise possible. Okay…fine JC. But when it came time to check the cards for the scores on the skinhole…Snapper had 4 cards only… Telephoning Jerry who was half way home by then Snapper confirmed that the missing 5th card was his and in his back pocket. There being no opposition, the vote was unanimous.

Honorable Mention to Bill Cape who came to the clubhouse proudly with two count em two what he calls replacement balls for others he unfortunately cannot find. Both of these balls were said by Lawless to have been deep enough in the woods that no one but Bill would venture there, there being no normal reason to do so. But Bill knew that if his ball were to be found it would be found deep and he just can’t afford to not even look hole after hole.

This time he comes out from the 20 minute or so search and rescue mission with two, count em two replacements…and to make it even better he knows who the previous owners were…one ball having "Shang" embossed in blue sharpie and the other with a preprinted scales of justice and "Carlson Attorney" logo. Rubbing their noses in it, Shang just smiled and shook his head but Snapper appeared incredulous when exclaiming: "Bill, I put that ball there for advertising…you already know I’m a lawyer…I would have paid you $20 to leave it there." Bill didn’t buy it and proudly posed for a pretentious photo of the pilfered prizes.
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Asshole-of-the-day, (June 28, 2007)
Of purses and wallets
Nice Greenie Bill. I looked at the scorecards to see which par 3 you hit. I couldn’t tell. One par three showed an "8" and the other a "4". Let me get this straight; You were closer to the hole after your tee shot than any other Snapper and you missed the birdie putt… missed the par putt and accepted a mandatory gimme for bogie??? Or was there a "Pic â€" Pic" negotiated on the three putt bogie??? Oh well the $20 bucks spends the same anyway, right??

Chris Carlson won and then he didn’t. First, we accepted nominations, discussion and voted in our normal orderly fashion. Chris Carlson won by clear majority vote. Then before we lost the quorum, with last call on drinks being entertained, DaBlade decided to get a photo of feisty Majestic waitress and beer cart gal "Lori Lynn" who again proved herself more than capable of handling this group. The plan was simple. We would wait until she brought the next tray of drinks from inside, camera hidden behind DaBlade’s back, and sneak the photo (apparently she had refused to participate earlier in the evening when asked politely by DaBlade… well she didn’t really refuse… there was something about a condition that it be done in the backroom together with the other gals in private where no one else could see…DaBlade became noticeably discombobulated and allowed his imagination to get ahold of his… well you know his… what I’m trying to say is he didn’t think he could do it back there and remain unnoticeably flaccid… and being a family man determined that the sneak attack photo in public was preferred.

Bill, who had been rendered speechless by Lori Lyn the previous week in the $1 tip incident was asked to play along and offer her a single buckaroonie for the photo just before it was snapped and flashed. Reaching into his back pocket and carefully retrieving his wallet in preparation, several of the Snappers amid choked guffaws causing beer to be expelled from nasal orifices, asked Bill if that was really scotch tape holding the corner of the apparently once proud genuine faux muskrat hide wallet together??? Bill insisted that it was post office strapping tape which was stronger and should somehow make a difference as to the out come of the impending aotd nomination. Shang insisted it was scotch tape…Timmy K insisted the duct tape would have been okay…when order was restored the previous weekly aotd award to Chris Carlson was rescinded and Bill was unanimously nominated seconded and voted weekly asshole of the day. He then graciously allowed the wallet to be photographed. You decide.

Honorable Mentions:
Chris Carlson for surreptitiously attempting to improve his partner’s lie in the tall grass while nonchalantly pretending to simply take a break, and sun bathe for a bit in a complete prone position discovered to be over Naked’s ball which under our rules could then be fluffed and bumped. "It's a little move I like to call The Carlson Recliner," stated Nekid proudly. Reminiscent of the 2006 unnatural creation of loose impediments Dave Lawless attempted for partner Bill Cape with pruning sheers and the Craig "Walrus" Stadler PGA penalty for kneeling on a towel beneath a tree in the wet grass to keep his trousers dry and therefore illegally "building a stance". Chris simply grinned and played dumb "What?...what?...what did I do? I was just chillin for awhile"

"It's not a purse!"
It's not a purse! Snapper received nominations with some support for his continued suspect protection of his precious "Man Bag". Seldom allowed more than a few inches from his side, Snapper carefully removed a single folder therefrom with scorecards and weekly sheets to entrust to Shang on his advance trip to the #10 tee. Shang was not allowed to touch the "Man Bag" let alone carry it to the tee for Snapper. No defense was offered while Snapper simply peered over his glasses at Shang’s nomination authoritatively and proprietarily clutching his Man Bag under his left arm with shoulder strap in place all the while.

       
DaBlade's Post-Round Diary excerpt...
Timmy was hunched over a scorecard, scrawling feverishly with his pencil between blank looks of confusion. "Do you need a calculator?," teased Lori Lynn. The gallery chuckled, knowing that a calculator was too much like a computer and Timmy wouldn't know how to operate such a complex electronic device. My suggestion was to supply Timmy with an abacus if he is allowed to continue to wrestle with math on the scorecards.

What would Brad do?
If you were Brad, The Majestic golf course pontoon boat captain, and Naked Dave boards your boat (sans water wings) and insists on sitting in the back of the vessel, out of direct sight, what would you do?

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Asshole-of-the-day, (June 21, 2007)
Bill Cape finally wins for the first time this year for "Conduct Unbecoming a Snapper". Previously unseen Majestic Beer Babe "Lori Lynn" who when told later that she would be on our website responded: "ooo will I be fully clothed?" used her quick wit and unyielding feminine boner busting flirtations on Bill earlier out on the course when he bought the beers and then tried his old familiar line in such situations: "I suppose you want me to tip you?" to which Lori Lynn immediately replied: "Unless you have something else for me". Outwardly stunned, red faced and dumbfounded and momentarily rendered speechless, Dave explains the best Bill could muster after a very pregnant pause was "Uh…no…uh…here…here’s your tip" and then turned and crawled briskly back to his cart head down and tail tucked neatly between his legs. This was the same position Bill assumed throughout the nomination clearly having no defense whatsoever to attempt.

Honorable mention goes out to Micha Fulgham, who picked up a black 3 wood headcover lying next to the green at #7 and without a thought to his playing opponents drove past the next tee up to the #8 green to the 4some ahead proudly announcing that he had found their lost headcover. When they denied ownership, he argued briefly with them that it must be theirs as he had just found it before he dropped it next to their carts and returned to the tee. Moments later after discussing the matter with his opponents Carlson and Richardson, Snapper was heard inquiring of the group ahead whether they had found his black 3 wood head cover. They said they apparently had and allowed him to drive up and retrieve it from them.
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Asshole-of-the-day (June 14, 2007)

Free? Another warm, balmy night @ the old Majestic. As Jimmy Buffett says: "The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful!" (especially you Timmy).

We had a number of "firsts" this week. It was the first time this season for WDFN "THE FAN" radio to broadcast their live golf talk show from the pavilion deck with our own club pro Steve Tanner fielding questions and giving tips to improve your game. It all sounds so simple when he explains it but alas, Snappers are difficult to train as evidenced by the 19 year old scar Rick Carlson still sports on his right thumb.

It was also the first time in 2007 that Steve Peltier got an Asshole of the Day award. Snapper website visitors know Steve by his pseudonym (hey hey Timmy K lost ya again, didn’t I?) "SHANG KWON PHAT". Well the WDFN cardboard box guy didn’t know that. He had a simple job. Wait for the box to get filled up with entry forms filled out by the audience, folded over and stuffed in, then blind draw one out of the box, shout out the name of the lucky winner of various radio talk show prize give aways. Speaking of give aways…you shoulda seen his face when he read Steve’s entry form silently to himself….then scanned the audience…looked back at the entry form…then scanned the audience again…shook his head and started to crumple it up and discard it for a new draw. Steve saw his face and knew he had won shouting at the top of his lungs over the ongoing live radio show being broadcast a few feet away "SAY IT…SAY IT OUTLOUD…SAY IT. The guy smiled and admitted that he couldn’t. Steve said it for him and the guy laughed admitting he couldn’t see anyone in the remaining crowd that fit the description. Then he furrowed his brow and asked to see Steve’s driver’s license for proof he was the winner. We all convinced him that Steve was Shang and didn’t have a license as none was required for rickshaws. He was then given the Dennis Miller tickets at the Detroit Opera House for a day he can’t go…and he also gets this AOTD award.

Finally, it was the first time in years the Carlsons asked for other Snappers to vote and promised to count their votes, this time for an updated and revised all time TOP TEN ASSHOLE OF THE DAY LIST. Little Timmy K ever the cynic said he didn’t want to have to sign the written ballot he was given which Snapper assured him was only to insure ballot integrity..1 Snapper 1 vote. Timmy was sure it so we could see which ballot was his and refuse to count it. So Snapper relented and allowed Timmy (and only Timmy) to submit his ballot without a signature. That seemed to satisfy him.
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Asshole-of-the-day (May 31, 2007)

majestic swim! (Snapper writes) Naked Dave Mitteer for going overboard again, this time literally speaking…HE WENT OVERBOARD!. On this hot and humid Thursday evening, nobody on the league noticed that Naked Dave showed up for golf donning an uncollared T shirt, slip on sandals and lime green swim trunks. Upon completing the hole # 1 - # 9 round scheduled this night, Dave & Chris & playin partners Micha & Chad settled onto the pontoon for the leisurely ride back across Lake Walden, a courtesy perk offered by the Majestic we have all become accustomed to. Although the boat has plenty of seating Dave chose the back edge of the boat to sit upon. The driver glanced around noticing 4 seated passengers and began the 10 minute sojourn across the lake. 10 feet or so from the dock on the opposite side and slowing for the rope toss and tie down he glanced around again, this time noticing only 3 passengers each attempting to look clueless, looking around them at the sea gulls or simply shrugging their shoulders as if to say: ‘what?...what?...I don’t know nothing" That was when he saw Naked Dave head bobbin up and down out in the middle of the lake, whereafter he turned around and retrieved him.

Half expecting an excuse of some kind, e.g., Searching for Loch Ness Nellie’s cousin Walden Lake Wally… or just trying to disprove DaBlade’s claim of sharks in the vicinity…Snapper somberly asked Dave at the post golf meeting if he had a defense the simple reply was ‘No Snap…it won’t happen again". Being a good partner, Chris volunteered that Dave had originally claimed to have slipped and fallen in. Snapper asked : "Is this true Dave" and Naked nodded in the affirmative, but was thereafter unable to explain how his sunglasses, sandals, shirt & wallet (everything but his lime green swim trunks, remember them?) all managed to fall from his body during the slip and land safely and dryly on the boat deck. The vote was of course unanimous.

Honorable Mentions: Bill Cape nominated partner Dave Lawless for failure to yield to his partners known weakness. Bill drove his tee shot into the woods (again), announced and played another as a provisional (taking his drop and distance of course, plus a few yards, and hit a beautiful 3rd shot only to hear Dave’s voice from somewhere in the woods "I got it!...you can punch it out from here Bill!" Bill tried and of course could not extricate himself for several more shots whereupon it was Dave’s fault.

DaBlade nominated everyone else on the league but Naked, for allowing him to think of it first.

(DaBlade writes) "Who's the a-hole?," asked DaBlade. On a 90 degree golf day with no cold towels in sight, who had the foresight (and the S'rixons!) to bring trunks and take the plunge (allegedly)! I say "allegedly" because unlike counselor Snapper (who should know better), I am willing to allow for the possibility that Naked Dave has been unjustly accused and convicted by this kangaroo AOTD quorum. It's called "presumption of innocence" and Nakester has earned that much from us, hasn't he?
(INSERT "SOUND OF CRICKETS CHIRPING")

CRIME SCENE (exhibit "A")

Let's examine Naked Dave's defense. He originally stated that he lost his footing. Snapper evidently discounts this possibility due to the unlikeliness of Dave's shades, wristwatch, and wallet landing on his semi-neatly folded shirt on the deck in this fall. The fact that Dave himself cannot explain this phenomenon makes him guilty? I know that the sun rises and warms my face, yet I cannot adequately explain how it does this. 2X4s have been found neatly penetrating trees while a nearby poodle is left undisturbed after a violent tornado. A hole-in-one is unlikely, but it has happened twice during Snapper league play. Isn't that more unlikely than Dave's items landing in this fashion as he quietly and splashlessly slipped beneath the Walden Lake surface?

Snapper then makes the argument that the lime green swim trunks somehow prove Naked Dave's premeditation and guilt. OJ Simpson is known to have worn "ugly ass" Bruno Magli shoes with treads that matched those found at the famous brutal double homicide scene. Does this make him... errr. OK, strike that last sentence from the records. My point is, swim trunks are light and airy. Quite possibly, Dave simply thought that the internal support netting of his suit would give him an edge during the round.

The defense rests. (Dave. You're screwed!) Stay tuned for this week's repercussions, final verdict, and sentencing...
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