Honorable Mention: Wolfenden and Markunas: These two, knowing they were scheduled off first, took the initiative to inquire early on if Snapper was on the course, discovered that he was and through the use of the pro shop GPS system, where he in fact was, drove out to him, picked up his league materials folder containing the scorecards, extracted theirs and theirs only, replacing the rest in the folder, extracting one and only one weekly handout, replacing the rest in the folder and taking the closest to the pin stakes Snapper was carrying for them. When Snapper asked them to take the rest to the guys they of course refused claiming it was not their job. And in fact it isn't. In the words of Steve Peltier: "Who's running this damn league anyway?".

Honorable Mention: Rick Snapper Carlson: Not one to give up the fight prematurely, Snapper considered revisiting the final vote against him throughout the meeting wishing to make it Wolf & Steve instead, until when all business was concluded, including the awarding and figuring of the skins pot in the routine way of blind drawing torn up pieces of paper from a hat then calculating cards, Jwolf innocently reached across from one table to the next and handed Snapper his upside down baseball cap. Snapper thanked him for his courtesy and righted the hat and positioned it upon his head but not before the unlucky hole numbered paper pieces rained over his ears and shoulders like confetti. Amid the guffaws and finger pointing, Snapper realized that all credibility had been lost and he must himself smile and graciously accept the award.
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[WDFN GALLERY] Seeing his opportunity to win a golf ball, and embarrass a few fellow Snappers in the process, Timmy K began pointing to the far end of the deck and authoritatively announcing to Snappers who finished after him, starting with Snapper himself, that they were to go there, fill out a sheet with their personal info and put it in the box for a chance at free Tiger tickets, then take a red cup, go inside and Laura, the unfortunate employee to have drawn inside beer duty would fill it with beer for free. Snapper realized two things almost immediately upon following Timmy's instructions to the letter, First, Laura had no damned idea what he was talking about as she clearly had not been instructed that the beer she was selling would under any circumstances be free, and second that he left his wallet in his golf bag in the car having an unfinished bourbon & coke with him for the meeting and no intention of purchasing a beer. Snapper determined to utilize his lawyerly powers of verbal persuasion and upon insisting the proper number of times that in fact "they told us to do this, it's free, really" without one time allowing her to ask who "They" were caused Laura to relent and he and his buddy Les Helmkay walked out with free beers. The crowd of Snappers outside were beside themselves with delight when Rick & Les came out with their brewskies until Les convinced them that we really had not paid for the beer…really.

Snapper left Less to explain the Johnny Cochran like oratory he had just witnessed and went to the parking lot to retrieve his wallet to pay for the beer only to pass the next group with Micha Fulgham & Chad Ellis on the way in. Unable to refrain, Snapper nodded towards the deck and simply stated "FREE BEER" in as nonchalant a manner as one can utter those two words, to see if Timmy would do it again. He did, over and over.

Honorable Mentions:
Rick Carlson, for falling for such a prank without knowing better;
Micha Fulgham, for incredulously insisting to Laura (immediately after Snapper had in fact paid for his previously pilfered beer and Laura in on the gag) that it could not be so…he saw red cups with beer in them in front of Snappers on the deck and Snapper, his lawyer, had never lied to him before….
Steve Peltier, who was sitting next to Timmy the whole time and obviously in on the gag for nevertheless successfully representing himself and talking Laura into the same deal as "that guy in the green shirt (Snapper) got", successful only until Snapper flipped his $20 over Steve's shoulder & explained to Laura, who stated the obvious in gathering the change, she was simply waiting for Mr. Tanner to get off the radio to verify she was right in giving away beer.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Change in tradition. When recently proudly reading of her brother's league accomplishments, Snapper's daughter SARA CARLSON, came out of the bedroom with Snapper's revered, turtle hat and made a suggestion immediately adopted by SNAPPER as a mandate. " Why don't we make the AOTD wear the hat the following week DAD?"…"Then they could pass it on to the new AOTD for the next week?" SARA is an Dean's List honor student at WMU, a member of ALPHA LAMBDA DELTA national collegiate honor society, also leader in ALPHA CHAI OMEGA sorority and most importantly, savvy in the ways of golf leaguer's from her Summer job driving the beer cart at Brookwood CC…but still, Snappers, why didn't we think of it? To ensure compliance, I hereby declare that yes I will donate my hat, previously brought out for special occasions only, and treat every new AOTD award (as we should) as a special occasion. When a Snapper wins the AOTD, he is duty bound and honor bound to wear the hat from the tee box through the hole out, putt out or gimmee as the case may be on the 1st hole the following week. Thereafter throughout the round the hat may be worn further for luck or laughs at the user's discretion, but in any event must then be worn again in the clubhouse or on the deck unless or until someone else wins the award in which case the hat will be passed and the new winner shall undertake the above. Should we have no winner, the previous winner must repeat the process each week until the hat is passed. In the unlikely event that any Snapper AOTD should shun his responsibility as aforesaid, a round of beers for all at his expense at the next available opportunity. The hat shall be returned to Snapper at the end of the season for safe keeping. Way to go SARA!!!!!!! I'd make you an honorary Snapper, but as we went through this in previous years, it's a men's league.
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Congratulations Chris…You make your Daddy Proud as a Peacock with a hard on…

WEEKLY CONTROVERSY:
The week before Snapper who had tired of having the first group find him where ever he was on the course when they arrived at the 1st par 3 and determined for the 1st time they needed greenie markers so they had to find Snapper and ask him if he got them for them, proposed a formal rule with a monetary fine to those teeing off without the markers. Timmy K and Steve were exuberantly in favor asking questions about enforcement specifics and details apparently failing to see that the purpose was an incentive for compliance or deterrence of noncompliance. They saw only a way to screw somebody. Snapper on the other hand simply wanted to find a way to get somebody on the league other than he and Chris to do something even if it was as simple as procuring the greenie markers from the clubhouse and getting them to the first group off.

So this week Snapper is 1st off and gets the greenie markers from the clubhouse as usual…sets them on the table outside with his cards and sheets and goes inside to take a piss. Upon returning he finds them gone…also gone is the 1st load of Snappers who were not teeing off first but determined they needed to shuttle up and get to the boat before the teams scheduled ahead of them just in case that meant they could steal the tee and comply with the rule that tee orders go by the schedule in the order of those actually present on the tee box when it was available. Snapper caught the last shuttle and last boat and arrived at the tee box before anyone could get off so teed off 1st. Chris who had transported the greenie markers to the first tee to help his Dad forgotten to give them to him and noticed the problem as soon as Snapper pulled away frantically attempted to assuage the situation and get the markers to Snapper ASAP to give him some kind of defense later (see above). Afterwards TK and Steve were adamant that Snapper had violated the rule as well as everyone in the 1st group must pay $1 each.

So here it is by Snapper Mandate: Snapper will pay $1 to the skins pot for this so-called infraction; no other member of the 1st group will pay…the rule which was never formally written up is hereby rescinded by proclamation. Snapper will remain the only person penalized for violating the rule which was meant to make his life a little easier. Were the rule to remain in effect it would simply cause snappers to intentionally steal greenie markers from carts or multiple sets being requested from the clubhouse and secreted by the first several groups. The spirit and intent will be lost. Snapper will continue to get your greenie markers for you or not as we always have. No penalty for noncompliance to anyone. By the way does anybody want me to arrive a little early and transport your clubs from the trunk to the club drop and then back to your trunk when we are finished?
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Ah but alas, last year he said he wanted to get his weight down for his lovely wife and would no longer celebrate with us in this fashion. Okay…we understand..we'll go for that. But Dave hit an all time low last week. When offered a brewsky, he examined the label and found that while it was in fact a light beer, its caloric or atomic weight or make-up or some damn thing was displeasing, and shook his head reluctantly but emphatically: "I can't drink that, its not light enough!" exclaimed Dave. Very little discussion and no defense was offered or accepted as the nomination was made, seconded and unanimously adopted as Dave sheepishly hung his head and they all moved away from him as though he was sitting on the group W bench (for all you Arlo Guthrie fans).

This week, I got the answer Dave... a bottle of my very finest San Pellegrino sparkling water and a shot from the rubbing alcohol Gary no doubt has in his golf bag first aid kit right behind the gauze and next to the little surgical scissors.
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Honorable Mentions:
Steve Markunas for, well I don't know what you call it? Ingenious attempt to maximize the possibility of a good result with a single swing of the club? Steve found himself in the fringes of the woods also. Adept at locating such slightly errant shots from experience, Timmy K followed him in to look for the ball and then stayed and witnessed the full swing punch out. TK insists Steve swung once and only once and indeed struck his own ball, but then there were two balls exiting the woods with a second ball apparently having been unseen plugged directly beneath Steve's ball. Hmmmm? Don't know if I buy that one, especially when Steve insisted upon his right to play the longest ball of the two thereafter.
Gary Fulgham, for turning in a falsified scorecard and then quickly heading for the door before anyone noticed and started asking questions. Gary's longtime partner Mark "the assassin" Blevins was absent and Gary brought son Micha's father-in-law, Gene Boeg (sp?) to substitute. Gary dutifully and carefully scribbled all of Gene's scores hole by hole on the card in typical barely legible fashion (what Jerry & I like to call) Snapper Script but did so on Mark's portion f the card without changing the name. Perhaps he thought no one would notice the difference between Gene's low 40's round and the assassin's high 50's average; or, perhaps he thought that Mark & Gene looked enough alike that one could pass for the other, ignoring the fact that Gene has subbed before and we all know him, and further ignoring the fact that it would be of no possible advantage to him. Perhaps it was simply too much trouble to find an eraser or to inform us that he thought it was too much trouble. Gary, think Mister, if we record it as you turned it in, Mark would not like the sudden plunge in his handicap, do you think????
Naked Dave Mitteer, for a similar but not as drastic bad card turn in maneuver, with I am certain absolutely no malice attributable to him. Dave brought a combination chauffer/sub to play with him as well when his partner Chris Carlson could not make it. Dave wrote the guy's name on the card or so much of it as he knew or could remember. The card said "Nate" (short for Nathaniel no doubt); Naked hung around however to enjoy the post game celebration, and before Snapper could complain to him of the need for a last name, another Snapper snatched the card and scribble out a n appropriate last name that seemed to satisfy both sides. When Snapper & Naked read the card listing substitute golfer Nate Dog, both nodded and agreed that was fine.
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Honorable Mentions:
Dave Lawless/Bill Cape, for bringing a sub (for Cape) without asking Jerry to sub. Dave of course blamed it on Bill saying "We talked about it but Bill said we should bring a ringer instead".
Jerry Carlson, for admitting when we telephoned him on the first tee to shame Lawless, that he would have been unavailable anyway; This after threatening the league in the weekly handout?
Steve "Shang Kwon Phat" Peltier, for taking the cell phone upon which Jerry was speaking to us all from afar with hurt in his voice for not being there with us and asking: "Jerry, Cowan can't make it next week (pregnant pause……….) Can you check with Doyne and see if he can sub?"
Jason Wolfenden, who upon striking his ninth consecutive errant tee shot at hole number 18, calmly but defiantly struck the apparently at fault green tee Snapper had purchased for him from straight overhead with a downward force sufficient to break off the head of the driver which had conspired with the tee against him for the entire round.
Les Helmkay, new league member, who to get into the true spirit of being a Snapper, decided to enter the post round AOTD discussion. Les chose his moment & timing (a discussion of Steve's Stogies) and suggested that anyone lighting up on the first tee where we all congregate to offer our support and good wishes for a successful tee shot to whoever tees off ahead of us, should be considered for the revered AOTD, explaining: "all that smoke makes me dizzy". Les apparently failed to notice that the same approximately 19 of 20 (95% of Snappers) do routinely fire up a churchill, double corona (or in the case of Gary, a panatela petite) would be the ones he would be trying to convince of the propriety of the nomination. L'l Snap put it best when he incredulously looked at Les and retorted: "I think you just nominated yourself!"

AOTD UPDATE:
Upon arriving home for the evening, Steve took his golf bag inside so that his wife could wash and wipe his clubs down for him (a weekly affair which saves unnecessary tipping of college kids scraping a meager existence out of a Summer job at the course). When finished with the irons, his wife reached for the driver (a club Steve no longer attempts to use after off season shoulder surgery left him with a swing which makes the effort at the club futile). Before he could stop her, she pulled the driver from the bag and stuffed down at the bottom of the golf bag next to it, she found them, that's right a ziplock bag full of 8 brand spankin new aromatic unsmoked cigars. Steve was heard to inquire upon admitting the mistake and something to do with the wind blowing them over: "Do I still get to keep the golf ball?"

AOTD UPDATE #2:
Steve, Wolf, Snapper & Greg Groesser entered a charity golf scramble at the Elks club Monday last. Snapper had 5 cigars remaining from his bag, a fact he made certain Steve was aware of for the first three holes before it happened. Snapper lit one up, leaving 4 in the bag (a $40 value costing him only $26 buckeroonies). It began to rain and the group scattered for shelter, Snapper placing his baggie again beneath his armpit away from Steve's temptation. But alas an umbrella in one hand and cigars in the other, Snapper had to choose which to release in order to draw a free beer from the keg provided at his sheltered location. He decided. The cigars would be put down next to the keg but only for a moment. Three draft beers later the rain subsided and play resumed. 4 holes later Snapper realized his mistake but stayed silent. Then the beer keg came into view from the next hole. Incredibly Snapper noted from a distance his baggie was still there. Of course he boasted to Steve, see, golfers don't really steal other golfers cigars dumbass, what were you thinking? Upon retrieving the baggie, 2 stogies remained, with only 2 having been lifted. Hmmmmmmmmmmm guess the discount didn't work out that well for either of them?
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(1) Jerry Carlson- Nominated by Timmy K. and Steve "Hollywood" Markunas, for lack of sufficient balls to play this year in the league. A collection has been started in order to give Jerry the balls that he is lacking, as some Snappers believe this is a lame excuse. The amount and size of balls needed to be gathered for Jerry has yet to be determined, so Jerry will accept any, as he has no balls whatsoever.
(2) Rick "Snapper" Carlson- For blatantly ignoring Snapper league by-laws. Rule #4 states clearly and simply: Play white tees. Mao ZeSnapper took it upon himself to dictate that the Snappers would in fact play the blue tees in clear violation of Rule #4. And as only 1 out of the 3.5 Carlsons voted on it, the rule had not been amended before the start of league play. This put unnecessary strain on the feeble minds of the Snappers and the league spun into chaos. There were cries of "But we play the white tees…(sniff)", and "The sheet he gave me said white tees, Now the Blues? What gives?"
(3) Gary Fulgham- For being the whimperer of most of the comments about the blue tees, whilst shooting an impressive lower 40s round. There are claims that he made threats of a weak filibuster to this amendment by bouncing the league dues check he had given to Snapper if this was not reversed. As the saying goes, Beware the wrath of an Angry Jeweler. Take heed Snappers.
(4) Guy Metzger- For not paying greenies... winning greenies... and not showing up to receive payment of greenies. So basically, for confusing the hell out me (Lil Snap), on my first duty filling in for Jerry.

AOTD UPDATE: Snapper takes the AOTD "honors" for week one. I would take issue with my own nomination, as my first thought was, "Hey! You can't nominate me! I'm not even in the league this year!" But then I realized that this is not totally true, as I enthusiastically agreed to continue in the capacity of a partial deferred sabbatical. This status allows me to keep my voting rights intact during this year's hiatus (according to my lawyer), but unfortunately opens me up to made up AOTD nominations. Therefore in my defense, I would simply state that my balls are sufficient (and really quite substantial) and have played no part in the decision to take this year off.
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