2005 Assholes of the Day

Greg Carlson (8/25/05)  "Spartan terrorism"
Rick Carlson (8/4/05)  "excessive pomposity"
Dave Mitteer (7/30/05)  "sweet spot gear shift"
Dave Wolfenden (7/21/05)  "targeting does from range tees"
Dave Lawless (7/14/05)  "forfeiture of decency"
Jerry Carlson (7/7/05)  "Who let the dogs does out?"
Rick Carlson (6/30/05)  "Speaker phone terrorism"
Bill and Dave (6/25/05)  "Gilligan impersonation" (DM)
Steve Peltier (6/9/05)  "cheapness unbecoming even to a Snapper"
Dave Mitteer (DM) (6/2/05)  "sober Dave aloof"
Dave Mitteer (5/26/05)  "Tender moments"
Dave Mitteer (5/19/05)  "Rudeness to the female mobile purveyor of the golden nectar (beer)"
Steve Peltier (5/12/05)  "Misplaced nomination of old frat brother"
Dave Lawless (5/5/05)  "excessive balls in the chamber"

MSU Spartan terrorism leads to AOTD award
August 25, 2005

Whoever coined the phrase "blood is thicker than water" evidently was not talking about "green blood" and did not have a brother that attended MSU. The intrastate rivalry between the Michigan State Spartans and The University of Michigan Wolverines has many times led to "bad blood" between family members. Foolishly, I thought my family was immune from this cycle of hatred. Sadly, Glacial Greg proved me wrong.

On the first hole of league play, Greg began to complain about a blister on his thumb and how it hurt when he gripped his golf club. He asked if I had a bandaid, or even an extra golf glove in my bag. As luck would have it, I did have a brand new glove still in it's package. I felt ashamed of myself for at first feeling reluctant to part with this glove, as it sported a maize and blue "block M" on the top, and I was worried that my pristine shiny white glove might suffer a smudge or two. "BUT THIS IS YOUR BROTHER, AND HE'S INJURED!," my conscience scolded.

I felt proud as I gave Greg my glove to use for his fairway shot , and turned to walk the 3 steps back to our cart. No sooner did I sit down, when Greg walked over and handed me the "block M" emblem from the golf glove, stating lamely that "this fell off." No apologies, no remorse. It was obvious to me (and ultimately to the league quorum), that the intricate hand-woven emblem had been RIPPED from it's moorings, damaging the glove irreparably. Even Johnny Cochran would have to admit that, "if the glove been ripped, you can't acquit!"

MSU grad's animosity towards UofM alumni can be compared to terrorist's hatred of The United States. They hate our success. We Americans don't fully understand what motivates the terrorists and their perverse ideology, but the "Red, White and Blue" will continue to deal with these lunatics with extreme prejudice. Likewise, we Wolverine fans don't understand the Spartans and their perverse ideology, but the "Maize and Blue" will continue to grind them to green and white dust on the gridiron. We shall continue to sing our victory tune... "hail, hail to Michigan (and USA!), the champions of (and from) the west!"

AOTD Dishonorable Mentions:
1) Rick "Snapper" Carlson nominated Steve "Hollywood" Markunas for "doing a Steve Markunas" imitation. Steve was upset that Snapper's group was teeing off before him, so he began to dance circles around Snapper, chattering all the while, in an effort to distract him. Snapper coolly delivered a shank dead right on the first tee as a result. The fact that Steve's opponents had yet to take the tee box (Glacial Twins), and therefore discredited his call of "foul" seemed to escape him.

2) Steve nominated Rick for replacing the flag stick vertically everywhere but the actual hole it belonged. One hole it was planted in the sand trap behind the green. At another, the flag was protruding from a greenside stump. Rick admitted to this offense, but argued that it was justifiable in lieu of Steve's actions at the first tee.

When Steve continued to argue his case against Rick, he mistakenly tried to invoke the Snapper Rules, to which Dave Lawless correctly pronounced, "I thought the rules were whatever the Carlson's say it is!" That earned begrudging nods to the affirmative, but also mumblings of the league leadership being referred to as "Sadaam" (Rick) and his puppets, Ooday and Poosay.

3) Dave Lawless and Bill Cape ganged up to nominate Mark Blevins for "excessive urination with attitude." The "attitude" part of this nomination alluded to Mark's angry retort when questioned by the boys for his third pit stop on the same hole. Bill's part in this heartless nomination of Mark can be attributed to the fact that Bill is mean spirited. Dave's part can be explained by something called a [sigmoidoscopy], which according to Dave, is performed with a tool that can be compared favorably to a Big Bertha driver.

In other news…
* A new team picture was added to the [Snapper Photos] page. Can you guess who?
* As most of you know, new golf balls are awarded at the year end banquet for "Low Actual," "Low Net," and "AOTD". With only one more week to go, Ron Richardson and Larry Guess are the only Snappers that can currently be considered "BALL-LESS." Guy left this fraternity this past week with his first "Low Net." If Ron and Larry don't want to carry this dubious distinction into the off season, they'll have to score low or be an asshole next week. Stay tuned!
[Return to Top:]

August 4, 2005

Rick "Snapper" Carlson's official memo outlining several 2006 league venue options for our collective consideration, was both thorough in its' scope, and enlightening to its author's pomposity. In fairness to Rick, he did do his homework by making several calls to mid-Michigan golf course pro shops (while billing the bulky Peltier legal file, no doubt) to inquire about their open league day and time slots for next year. In typical lawyerly fashion, this missive demonstrated verbosity, excessive wordiness, and redundancy (not to mention repetitiveness).

In it, we learned that Dennis would love to have us return to our league roots of Tyrone Hills (Dennis must not have found this website), but could only offer up Monday or Tuesday nights. Brookwood and Captain's Club seemed to be viable alternatives, but had some cons to go with the pros. However, it was Snapper's written description of The Coyote Preserve that caught Tim's eye as "sounding kind of funny." Timmy read the offending part aloud for the league quorum as follows...

    "Pro did not return my two calls but (an) office worker said they have a lot of openings various nights... Course is beautiful but probably harder than the Bush for some of you."

"What do you mean by SOME OF YOU? I checked the golf sheet, and by my count there are eleven golfers (out of 20 total league members) with averages over 50, and you're one of them!" shouted a defiant Tim. Didn't you mean to type "some of US," we asked? But rather than grasping this verbal olive branch extended to him, Snapper instead cemented his AOTD award by directing at Tim, "No, I recently shot a 97 on this course and I know damn well that you couldn't!" The vote became a landslide at this point, as some of YOU were obviously offended. Congratulations Snapper!

Speaking of "extended olive branches..."
Naked Dave disappeared into the woodlands in search for his ball, but he ended up finding so much more! For there, lying at the base of a mighty oak, was a tree branch that seemed to be beckoning him. The shaft of this branch was long and straight, with a diameter of approximately 2 inches. The business end curved out, forming an uncanny kind of clubhead. Naked Dave picked up this branch, (neigh, warhammer) and testing the balance, he found that it was good. Feeling like this find near his ball was an omen, he gripped the branch and addressed his ball. Moments later, as his partner Chris watched on, Dave struck a picture perfect chip out from the dense growth, catapulting his ball down the fairway. As Dave climbed out from the woods, he made his way to the cart and slid his new wood into his bag. A few more successful chips convinced Dave to try his new club at the next tee box with disastrous results.
[Return to Top:]

July 30, 2005

As a teenager back in the mid to late 70s, our TV set was the old cabinet crt unit variety that weighed about two tons and had a decoder box on top. With no small amount of practice, I learned that by leaving the dial halfway between two premium channels, of which my household did not subscribe, you could sometimes score grainy footage of scantily clad women. If you were lucky, you might even catch a glimpse of a boob! (or was it an episode of Kojak?) Whatever. In any case, I was reminded of this by Naked Dave's 4th win of the AOTD award.

Dave Mitteer found the sweet spot with the golf cart shifter by carefully putting the golf cart in reverse without engaging the beeper alert. He waited for an opportune time for this stunt and found it when his partner, Li'l Snapper, kept finding trouble on the 15th. As Chris told it, the ranger pulled up and parked 3 feet behind them, waiting for Chris to hit again. Chris found the attention distracting, causing him to chunk his next shot. According to Chris, the ranger made a snide remark as Chris jumped in his cart and and jammed on the accelerator. It was Chris' intention to put as much distance between himself and the 77-year-old bastard as quickly as he could, so he wouldn't lose his temper. It didn't occur to him that Dave had engaged the reverse lever (still no beeps), and the cart vaulted backwards full speed towards the wise cracking ranger dude. The brake was applied quickly and a major collision was avoided. Dave won the AOTD for reckless endangerment. Nice Dave! We understand, however, that this did cure the ranger from tailgating.

Snapper Bite:
I called Rick's cell phone Friday afternoon from work. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. About 15 minutes later, he returned my call from the Buick Open (where cell phones are banned, and violators told their phones will be confiscated). He wanted to let me know that at the moment I called, he was standing in proximity to two course officials. "While I had my phone ringer off, my (pants) started vibrating," Rick stated.
[Return to Top:]

July 21, 2005

I have a delayed nomination that I believe is more than worthy for consideration, but I need additional support to avoid renewed accusations of monarch-like behavior.

As I tied my golf shoes at my open car trunk (Build a tee pee - Come inside - Close it tight so we can hide), I couldn't help but hear some loud whooping coming from the golf range. The noise was interrupting my shoe tying thoughts (- Over the mountain - And around we go - Here's my arrow - And here's my bow!) to the point where my damn indians had lassoed my soft spikes together!

I noticed Wolf and Hollywood at the driving range taking turns trying to drill the rangeball-retriever-tractor-guy, who was motoring along in his caged monstrocity about 100 yards in front of the tee box. While childish, their behavior posed no real danger to the "man in the iron mask." The same can not be said for the poor creature that became Wolf's next target. A deer darted out from the tree line (I kid you not), perpendicular to the tees about 200 yards or so away, and began a race for it's life across the range. This was quite possibly the doe from last week, although there was no sign of its dog faced fawn. This target proved too tempting for Wolfenden, as he dropped his front foot back so as to lead the deer in his attempt to nail it. The doe was too fast for Wolf's hurried efforts, and it made it's escape last seen heading south towards the buffalo ranch. I hereby belatedly nominate Dave Wolfenden for the AOTD award. Any seconds?

    Doe, a deer, a female deer
    Range, where wolf thought he'd have some fun
    Me, a name i call myself
    Fa, a long way for the deer to run
    So, a needle wolf could not thread
    La, I'm glad he had no bow
    Tea, not the drink in Naked Dave's glass
    That will bring us back to Doe, doe, doe, doe...

[Return to Top:]

July 14, 2005

It is customary each week, as players arrive and gather at the first tee awaiting their turn, to greet the other players in a cordial manner. Sometimes this mean a head nod and grunt. Usually this entails a warm handshake and some type of verbal greeting. While a handshake is not mandatory (at least not yet, but Snapper may be writing a new rule on this even now), all would agree that when a hand is extended in greeting, it would be "bad form" to not return the gesture in a firm and manly shake.

Evidently, Dave Lawless feels that basic laws of humanity do not pertain to him. While Dave vigorously shook hands with several league members, he returned Wolf's extended hand of friendship with a middle fingered salute. In our culture, "The Bird" is not an appropriate response, and the league quorum agreed that Dave Lawless actions at the very least earned him an AOTD award.
[Return to Top:]

Who let the dogs does out?
July 7, 2005

Excuse me if I seem unenthusiastic in this unenviable task of writing myself up for the AOTD award. Don't misunderstand! Those that were there know that my subdued reaction to this "win" was quite different than my "BAD FORM GENTLEMEN!" reaction of outrage at "winning" this award July 10th of last year (I'm still indignant over that gross injustice, and the wounds of realization that the Snapper quorum is not always just and fair will never fully heal). Sure, I tried to rewrite Snapper law single-handedly, but in honor of Sandra Day O'Connor and the other liberal Supreme Court Justices, I was led to believe that our rules "lived and breathed" at my whim. Darn you strict constructionalists!

As we approached the green for the final hole, in what was a very LONG and tiring night, I looked over my shoulder and saw a doe run across the fairway in front of the tee box over 400 yards away. It appeared the doe was being chased by a smaller indistinguishable brown blur, so I hollered, "Look at that deer getting chased by that dog!" Well, mob rule again took form, as those that saw this same sight insist that the dog I saw was actually the doe's fawn. Forget that I must have been having vision problems (based on my score). Don't expect sympathy from this crowd! Luckily, I zoomed in and took a photo of these creatures with my camera. You be the judge!...
[Return to Top:]

June 30, 2005

Rick "Snapper" Carlson wins for callously playing Steve "Hollywood" Markunas' apology over his cell on speaker phone at the first tee box gathering. Steve could be heard pleading to Snapper, golf league founder and president, as well as Hollywood's brother-in-law, as Rick held his flip phone high for all to here. "P..P..Please give us our two points back. We're both sorry (laughter from Wolf in background)... you are the God of Gods," tried Steve in the message. To which, Snapper flipped his cell phone closed and indicated that the apology was too little, too late.

The point was made in the clubhouse that the laughter on the message was a clear indication of Wolf and Steve's insincerity. A feeble attempt was made in defense of said laughter as that of being joy for finally clearing their conscience. All agreed that, while the apology was Barbara Streisand (BS), so was Snapper's cold hearted affront.
[Return to Top:]

June 25, 2005

No AOTD was awarded for the second straight week as league members were anxious to get home and watch the Pistons in their heart breaking loss in the 7th game of the 2005 NBA Finals. While I'm quite sure there must have been some deserving behaviors, there can be no AOTD awarded without a successful prosecution. Barring that, it's just about "milk and cookies," just like Michael Jackson said.

A dishonorable mention goes to Bill and Dave for their Gilligan and the Skipper imitation after their golf cart died on the second fairway leaving them castaways on the course. They followed their shots on foot the rest of the way to the green, and the replacement cart arrived while we all were putting out. Bill (Gilligan) became animated as he circled the green looking for his golf bag. "I CAN'T FIND MY CLUBS(SKIPPER!!!)," he yelled, not realizing that Dave (The Skipper) was helping his little buddy by carrying his clubs to the new cart. Any seconds to this nomination?
[Return to Top:]

June 9, 2005

Steve "Shang" Peltier wins a by a split decision of the Snapper League quorum, for "cheapness unbecoming even to a Snapper" when he purchased a 90 cent candy bar with a whole dollar bill and told Amy to "keep the change."

Dishonorable Mentions:
Timmy K. narrowly avoided victory with a similar transgression, when he purchased a Gatorade ("miss, do you have a non-alcoholic drink?") and tipped a whole quarter. The determining factor in the vote seemed to be evidence that Shang had 2 extra quarters in his pocket, while Timmy K. did end up finally coughing up a buck tip to Amy when goaded.

Bill Cape, the 2004 "cost effective high average" award winner, was nominated by Timmy K. for keeping a running score between the two. Bill reminded Timmy at every turn how many strokes he had him by. "I know I destroyed him last year (by finishing second to worse and avoiding this dubious distinction), but he didn't have to do a continuous verbal scroll like ESPN at the bottom of the screen," cried Timmy. Bill retorted with something about a fraudulent scorecard. Old scars that never heal!
Amy...What you gonna do?

    Amy.....What'you gonna do? I think I could stay with you - for a while maybe longer if I do - Pure Prairie League.

Meet Amy, our new favorite beer-girl
Turn ons: The Snappers, of course!
Turn offs: Dime tips for candy bars.
Favorite quote: Do you need a nipple with that?

[Return to Top:]

June 2, 2005

Close, but no Grenadier! No Asshole-of-the-Day for week 5, as none rose to the high standards set for this award, but we did have some dishonorable mentions...
First and foremost, Naked Dave Mitteer for... well, for being himself. Frankly, I had never met the sober David Mitteer before, and I must tell you honestly that I didn't really care for him. I found him oddly strange and aloof. Sure, he claims to have given up the tenders and the beer for a date with an attractive collegiate soccer star, but what I heard is that this gal met an inebriated "Naked Dave", not mister David "sober and aloof" Mitteer. We can only hope for his sake that "Naked Dave" eventually showed up during the dinner portion of this date, and after shot gunning a toddy-weiser, initiated the "one-two eat 'em up" maneuver, thereby sealing the deal with his girl.

Dave Lawless scared the boys with his sudden and horrific display of anger and violence perpetrated against his 7-wood, which snapped in two after having struck the tee marker at the 15th tee. L'il Snap ran to the wrong cart in fright, luckily finding Cape to soothe and comfort him with soft tones. Chris declined the offer to ride with him. Cape then began telling the boys how Lawless has numerous broken golf club parts scattered all over different area courses, like a rock star leaves babies in all 4-corners without daddies. Dave took exception and claimed Bill was playing loose with the facts until Bill reminded him of the club head on top the shed from last year. "I GOT THAT DOWN!," shouted an indignant Lawless. "He'll never hit another bad shot with that club again," muttered Mitteer. SERENITY NOW!!
[Return to Top:]

May 26, 2005

Unprecedented! Naked Dave wins the AOTD for the third week in a row for placing an order for his beloved chicken tenders mere minutes before his tee time, forcing course personnel to drive the piping hot golden browns out to him on the second hole. "He didn't even tip the lads," Chris offered. Incredulous! Is there no end to the madness caused by these deep fried beauties?
[Return to Top:]

May 19, 2005

Dishonorable mentions:

    1) Glacial Greg gets a nomination for the flimsy excuse to miss golf. Keep in mind that I, DaBlade, missed my 10-yr-old son's Pee Wee hockey game to golf, Greg chose to be a spectator at his daughter's boyfriend's baseball game rather than golf. (did you follow that?)
    2) I nominated myself for inadvertently "spilling the beans" on my father-in-laws winnings from his recent golf weekend. "He never told my mom that he won money," stated Mrs. DaBlade.
    3) Dave Wolfenden (a/k/a "Wolf" or "Money Butt") and Steve "Hollywood" Markunas jumped the tee order again, much to Snapper's chagrin. Snapper didn't care that it was Wolf's 50th b-day (so Wolf claims, although his hair has been shock-white for over a decade now) and insisted that Team 7 be penalized 2 points for jumping out of order. Snapper was no-show after the round for the official vote on this penalty. With Glacial Greg absent, I was the only Carlson present with voting rights in the bar. Furthermore, since I myself perpetrated this same offense by jumping the tee order (so I could get home before my Pee Wee son was dropped off), I opted for administering a "stern warning" to both Team 7 and Team 2.

And the winner is…
David Mitteer wins the AOTD for the second week in a row, this week for "Rudeness exhibited to the female mobile purveyor of the golden nectar (beer)". When Steve "Hollywood" politely asked the traveling beer-girl how she was doing, she responded by stating that she "was freezing," to which Naked Dave responded by sternly admonishing her to, "SUCK IT UP!" The beer-girl drove away, ass-cap and all, never to be seen by this foursome again for the rest of the evening. "That kid told me to 'suck it'," exclaimed an exasperated beer-girl later. I bet you wouldn't treat her this way if she had a hot-plate of the golden browns, would ya Nake daddy?
[Return to Top:]

May 12, 2005

Dishonorable mention goes to Steve Peltier for a misplaced nomination of an old frat brother, Mark Mora, that he secured to sub for Cowan. Steve nominated Mark for inquiring by e-mail prior to the round this question, "Do you ride or walk? If we ride I will leave the pull cart at home." Mark can be excused this question, having never subbed in the Snapper league before, where our motto is..."Get your exercise elsewhere. Golf is supposed to be fun!" Besides, the editorial staff of this website (me) feels that Steve missed a real opportunity to humiliate his old frat brother by lying to him and having Mark show up to the first tee with his pull cart. Nomination to Steve for this missed chance.

ATTENTION: While golf cart fees have been included in your league dues, a chicken finger dinner, complete with a large order of fries and a cold beer to wash it down is NOT included!

AOTD Winner for week 2 also has to do with "walking," as in "Dave Mitteer walking out without paying for his meal and stiffing me with his tab!" The bill was $10 (with a healthy tip included). A precedent has been set with this type of situation (see #10 of all-time top ten AOTD winners). I appreciate the setup and the skills necessary to coordinate having the entire league disappear (in a bar still serving beer) while I was distracted with a 2 minute conversation with Kevin from the pro shop about Lapeer youth hockey. But I never even got a hastily written "thanks!" on a napkin.
[Return to Top:]

May 5, 2005

Dave Lawless wins the first AOTD award for 2005! Remember people. Keep in mind, as you read Steve Peltier's write-up, that you can't win for "bad golf" alone...
Shot a 49. Felt like a 56. New cart wench. Young, cute. When she stopped by the second time ... I asked if she had anything sweet in her cart for us...she replied "Yes, chocolate!" so I was forced to buy a candy bar.

But on to 16

As you may recall, short par 3, mounded small green, and shit everywhere if you don't hit it. Dave had spent all evening regaling us with his golfing feats and prowess during the past 2 weeks. Unfortunately, he was not showing us any of those remarkable shots. He was hitting them fat, short, right, etc.

His patience wore thin on 16. His tee shot found the river valley short and right of the green. He muttered something under his breath and went into his best Kevin Costner/Tin Cup impersonation, said "piss on it" and threw another ball down. This he promptly deposited in the swamp 20 yards in front of the tee. Out came a 3rd ball. Not sure where that one ended up, I was laughing a little adding to Dave's frustration, but it did not make the putting surface either.

Let's add this up. 1 in 2 out 3 in 4 out 5 in 6 out and now hitting 7. He must ace it or pick up after his next shot per Snapper Rule 5, sub-section 2, addendum A, Double Par +1 Maximum Score for a hole.

It was a mighty shot, high, long,...............and left! It cleared the trees and the fence, took 1 bounce, and nailed the STOP sign on the corner (of Henderson Rd. and Potter Rd.) Bummer, couldn't even pick up the last ball. We were impressed nonetheless and showed David how we felt with much giggling and laughing. He was not amused.

I have discovered why he never loses a ball. He must have had a dozen balls in his pocket!

...and so Dave wins for "excessive balls in the chamber." His defense that "Shang not pay so close attention to his balls," though humorous, did not save him.
[Return to Top:]

AOTD Archives

Asshole Top Ten
  • chatteringteeth.blogspot.com