2004 Assholes of the Day


Bill Cape (9/4/04)  "Pic Pic'd a Max"
Steve Markunas (8/26/04)  "Turtle abuse"
Rick Carlson (8/19/04)  "attempts to reject honorary award"
Dave and Chris (DM) (8/19/04)  "Smoked $11.95 worth of Wolf's $12 cigar"
Rick Carlson (8/12/04)  "Picked by Sum Yung Gai"
Chris Carlson (8/5/04)  "4-Iron fake-out"
Dave Mitteer (7/26/04)  "fling flinging his bling bling"
Jerry Carlson (7/20/04)  "bad form anger carry-over"
Jerry and Greg (7/10/04)  "teeing off sans opponents"
Tim Kachelski (7/2/04)  "Marv Albert immitation"
Bill Cape (6/3/04)  "False yardage to partner"
Jerry Carlson (5/15/04)  "actions threaten free flow of beer"
Jason Wolfenden (DM) (5/8/04)  "I got a 5-1"


Asshole-of-the-Day
September 4, 2004

Cape paced the green as he pretended to line up his 5-foot putt, but in reality he was in "gimmee putt" (pick-pick) mode. Bill began to use every tried-and-true, battle-tested method he'd employed in the past to successfully secure a "pick-pick." Bill must have been thinking about the cost effective award, as he skillfully argued, pleaded, then shamelessly begged for permission to pocket this 5-footer. Finally, his finely honed gimmee skills must have tired his opponents, and the pick-pick was granted.

The only problem was, Cape's masterful display was wasted as he realized that he had already maxed the hole out (invoking the "double par + 1" a/k/a: 7/11 rule).
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Asshole-of-the-Day
August 26, 2004

Winner: Steve Markunas, for breaking rule #10 on hole 15, which clearly states...

  "For safety reasons, please do not play with the wildlife under any circumstances. This would include box turtles, as well as Snappers. This rule also prohibits side wagers involving wildlife like "closest chip to the woodchuck for a buck". 
Steve hit into the swamp on his second shot and found a baby Snapping Turtle quietly sunning itself in the vicinity that Steve was taking his drop. For no apparent reason, and without provocation, Steve sent it via foot-wedge, ass-over-shell back into the water. Clearly, the reason for the lateness of this nomination has to do with the trauma I suffered having witnessed this transgression.

Dishonorable Mentions: Greg was also nominated by Lawless for over-spending on equipment. When Cape was crediting his new putter for his dominating putting performance in the post-round discussions, Greg jumped in by stating, "It's not due to the equipment! Lee Trevino said he could out-putt most people with a pipe wrench taped to a broom handle." It was at this time that Lawless responded with the AOTD nomination by reminding Greg that it was he who spent $1,700 on his golf clubs.

Lastly, there was a "Busch Light Beer Incident" last week at the course. It seems that a Snapper group was allegedly in possession of this brew that's not sold at the course. Li'l Snapper and Naked Dave chose to shotgun the evidence rather than drive it back to their car, as instructed by the course ranger.
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Firestorm of controversy surrounds Sums AOTD involvement!
Lynndie England brought in to point at Sum's testicles as punishment!
August 19, 2004

DAVISON, Mi.-- The following is an open letter from Ricky "Snapper" Carlson, Attorney at law by day, and Snapper Treasurer and league founder by Thursday nights…

Due respect to honor our Asian friend, Sum, I respectfully decline the golf ball recommended to be awarded me by his most learned and respected decision that I win AOTD last week. The usurping of two long standing and revered Snapper League traditions factored into my decision.

First, AOTD has always been awarded by a majority vote of a quorum of Snappers present at the conclusion of the round. Without such a consensus in this manner, to maintain the integrity of the award, the only choice available is "none deserving, none awarded."

Secondly, our tradition is that 2-out-of-3 Carlsons (with voting privileges) can do anything we want. Sum's delegated authority by one Carlson is unprecedented, and therefore unrecognized. He has more power now than a quorum of the league itself? Will Sum be allowed to wield more authority than 2-out-of-3 Carlsons?

I am deeply troubled by this, much as I appreciate his hard work. This episode calls to mind a similar situation some years back, when a former partner of mine took it upon himself to bring a female sub in my place, to golf in our males-only golf league.

I admit that, had I not been the decided winner, I may never have raised these objections. Jerry, I am not suggesting a reprimand to you. However, as league treasurer, due to my fiduciary responsibility to the league funds in my charge and due to the ultra vires(click here for definition) nature of this situation, I respectfully decline the ball normally awarded to an AOTD winner.

DaBlade's Response

Dear eldest brother: Thank you for not administering a "reprimand" or league sanctions against me for not acquiring a Carlson ally to satisfy the 2-out-of-3 tradition, and instead adopting a "go-it-alone" strategy in my unilateral appointment of Sum. You do have a gift for turning the table, don't you?

After your verbal dissertation of the above to our league quorum, I pointed out that you yourself had posted an additional nomination for Sum's consideration on our league's website, thereby accepting this unique solution to our AOTD stalemate. By your refusal to voice objections at that time, you became the de-facto "2nd Carlson in the grassy knoll," validating this process you now portend to reject. Your own words of "had I not been the decided winner, I may never have raised these objections" incriminate you!

I thought this to be an iron clad refute of your argument when I posed it to our quorum. However, your observation that I neglected to have this post reproduced on the official golf sheet made it unavailable for the league's consideration, and I didn't receive any support from the rest of the Snappers, probably because they have been victims of my editorial stranglehold of this website's content at one time or another.

It is not easy having an older brother who also happens to be a lawyer. It reminds me of the reason we never play the board game Cosmic Encounter any more. (Click the link in the last sentence and read the first paragraph to get my meaning) The game should be renamed "Rick Wins Again." Alas! No golf ball will be forced on you, but your AOTD tally will not be stricken from the books unless you get your quorum (or our brother Greg) to agree.
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Asshole-of-the-Day
August 19, 2004

No winner as there was no vote taken due to the controversy over last week's vote. The only nomination last week went to team 10, Dave Mitteer and Chris Carlson. As the boys walked up to the second tee box, they found a freshly lit and smoldering 12-inch Extraordinary Larry cigar. They immediately recognized this brand of cigar as belonging to Dave Wolfenden, golfing just in the group ahead. Wanting to be good Samaritans, Dave and Chris decided to return this $12 cigar to its rightful owner, but not before the end of the round, and not before having smoked $11.95 worth.
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Asshole-of-the-Day
August 12, 2004

Nominations

1) Steve "Shang" Peltier was one of many Snappers whom participated in the Kearsley H.S. golf scramble at Brookwood to benefit their sports programs this past weekend. Steve won the grand prize pull cart in a drawing in the after scramble festivities. Due to its bulk, Steve left his new cart against a wall near the prize table, with the plan of taking it to his car after he enjoyed his meal. Meanwhile, head K.H.S. booster, Rick "Snapper" Carlson manned a microphone and was raffling the remainder of the donated prizes to lucky winners. After giving away all the prizes on the table, Snapper saw a pull cart against the wall he figured had gone unclaimed and raffled it right out from under Shang!

2) Chris "Li'l Snapper" nominated his father for collecting cans during his round instead of concentrating on his golf game. "Papa Snapper" refused to nominate his son for being the beer can littering perpetrator, as it would reward his bad behavior with a golf ball. Fruit from the poisonous tree, counselor?

3) "Li'l Snapper" was nominated for "green sucking." Somehow Chris' beer was knocked over while sitting innocently on the green surface, minding its own business waiting for Chris to putt. Chris immediately dropped to all fours and attempted to lap up the ale before it could fully soak into the ground. "Don't be a savage! There's more beer in the cart!," shouted Naked Dave. One thing is clear. Chris has won 3 out of the last 4 greenies, and quite possibly the golf course responds to a little bit of tongue.

4) Scott "Mister" Cowan finally noticed an asterisk on the sheet indicating credit for an eagle, and claimed he had no memory of scoring this. The scorecard from June 17th was located, and clearly showed a "3" on the par 5 13th hole. I could understand Tiger Woods possibly "forgetting" a particular eagle, but not a Snapper! The question is, were you lying then or are you lying now!? What did you know and when did you know it!? Scott defended himself by stating that he was not the card captain that night and therefore did not write this score on the card. There is no physical evidence linking Scott to this crime, and barring a late surprise witness of the Amber Frey variety, Cowan could easily get off "Scott free!"

5) (By Snapper Carlson) Steve (my wife's a-- h--- brother ) Markunas & Dave Wolf played early Thursday; I drove as usual. Hearing me agree by telephone to buy beer for my underage son and bring it to the course, Steve & Dave asked me to buy for them. I agreed, no $ exchanging hands. They of course had to take their clubs from my vehicle so as to beat me & their beer to the course. When I arrived at the party store 30 minutes later I found the sleeve of my sweater bug covered & tattered from being intentionally flown as a flag from the rear of my van.

Those are the nominations for AOTD. We could not come to a consensus, and therefore need help picking the winner of this award. I hereby appoint Sum Yung Gai, our Connecticut cyber-friend (and honorary Snapper) to pick the winner from this lot. Sum, your choices obviously include the 5 nominations above, but also a sixth option of "no winner, none disserving (to protect the integrity of this award) is available to you. Please post your decision on The Snapper Guestbook. We are anxiously awaiting your decision.

UPDATE! Sum's guestbook post(s)
August 13th 2004
03:22:39 PM
What is your name? Sum Yung Gai
Prease to state you handicap saddad with lesponsibirity
Please enter your comments?
This velly selious matter. Sum nevah judge & julee befoah. Sum to take a rittre time to think about it. Not want to lush decision.Ahso, nobody to think Sum can be blibed with case of beah.

09:08:36 PM
What is your name? Sum Yung Gai
Where are you from? Moment yu waiting foah
Please enter your comments?
Velly tough decision. Awe option good choice for dishonabul mention. But one stand out. And, Sum must cally out lesponsibirity.

Sum decide Option #1 is winnah; that is co-winnahs. Snappah for not knowing how many plize to give away and give away Shang's plize. Shang awso win by not paying attention and retting Snappah give away Shang's plize.

Sum suggest Shang not get boff baw, just share titre, since he obviousry not apleesheeate goff equipment he wins. Give Shang beah can (not can of beah).
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Asshole-of-the-Day
August 5, 2004

Nominations

1) "Glacial Greg" Carlson and Jason "Li'l Wolf" Wolfenden were both looking at 40-foot putts. Jason lined up with his back to Greg, and Greg lined up to his ball simultaneously, as Jason was directly in his blind spot. Tim and I looked on quietly (Moment of truth. What would you do?). It was an unbelievable display of synchronized putting, as they hit their respective putts at exactly the same time!

2) Our foursome nominated again, as we were the last group off and the Glacial Twins were rope-a-doping Tim and Jason with their patented lack of playing speed. So much so that we had to give a twilighter the green light to play through on hole 6. Unprecedented!

3) Me again, for attempting to order a Budweiser from the semi-attractive gal that I mistakenly thought was the beer girl in the oversized green cart. She was actually hauling gardening supplies around, as she stopped to fertilize the tee-side flower patch at hole number 1. Realizing my error, I attempted to change my order to a cup of DDT.

And the winner is…
The notorious 4-Iron fake-out bags the AOTD for Li'l Snapper

Snapper golfers, as well as the regular readers of this site that are not league members (you there Sum?) know that "Naked Dave" Mitteer was the asshole-of-the-day (AOTD) winner last week (7/29), for inadvertently tossing his 4-iron over a fence on his third practice swing. Well, the saga continued…

Chris "Li'l Snapper" Carlson agreed to help a pleading Naked Dave in the attempted rescue and recovery op. of his club before it got too dark. They drove off Sugarbush grounds, heading north on Baxter Rd., then turning right on Potter Rd. Being college boys, they both knew that hole 16 ran parallel to Potter Rd. on the inside corner near Henderson Rd. They found this spot in short order, without the advantage of the satellite imagery above.

Disembarking their vehicle, Naked Dave immediately and enthusiastically plunged himself into the roadside ditch. His shoes sank into the mud as he all but disappeared in the chest high cattails. He clawed his way deeper through the tall reeds risking life and limb (not to mention Mississauga rattlers known to inhabit these parts) in search of his beloved 4-iron.

Meanwhile, Chris watched nonchalantly from the safety of the road's shoulder. As he stood there, he spotted what appeared to be a golf club protruding from the swamp, half exposed on the road. Sure enough, it was Dave's 4-iron! Just then, Dave's head poked out from the foliage, asking Chris for advice as to which direction he should search. (Moment of truth. What would you do?) Chris held the 4-iron high, using it as a pointer, telling Dave, "Deeper, Dave. I think it's in there deeper," thrusting the club in an overly animated fashion. Dave said, "thanks," as he vanished once again into the lush growth.

Congratulations Chris! Your quick thinking (and the slow and needless torture of your partner) earns you the AOTD. Dave eventually got his club back, and you are one golf ball better for it!
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Asshole-of-the-Day
July 29, 2004

AOTD dishonorable mentions from 7/29/04:
1) Greg, for purposefully choosing not to repair the damage done by his greenie-winning shot on the par 3, 16th hole, because he was proud of the divot's proximity to the hole.

2) Shang, for watering the flowers with his melted beer ice. (trust me, they've been watered with worse...

And the winner is…
Dave "Naked Dave" Mitteer, for fling flinging his bling bling.

It seems Naked Dave lost his 4-iron on the follow-thru of his third practice swing, launching it over a nearby fence (allegedly topped with barbed wire) and into dense woods. (EDITORS NOTE: How much beer must one consume in order for this to result?)
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July 20, 2004
DaBlade wins the AOTD award in absentia!
Asshole-of-the-Day Winner/ Week 11
By Guest Writer "Glacial" Greg Carlson / Snapper News

AOTD losing nominations and dishonorable mentions from 7/15/04:
1) Steve Peltier for wearing a "beer-cozy" on his knee. Bill Cape questioned Steve's fashion consciousness, while at the same time wondering whether "it keeps your knee cold?"

2) Greg Carlson for placing "Did I mention I had a 47?" flyers under the windshield wipers of several cars after last week's remarkable sub-60's round. (EDITORS NOTE: You're telling me that this nomination lost?)

3) Jerry Carlson for having the nerve to PROPOSE a new rule instead of simply skewering himself (for a change) with his well-earned AOTD award from the previous week... said Snapper: "Besides, I write the f***ing rules!!" (EDITOR'S NOTE: I propose additional powers be granted unto me with respect to the rules, and … never mind.)

And the winner is…
4) Jerry Carlson for "anger-carry-over" from the previous week as evidenced by his absence... all agreed was in "bad form!!"

Originally, Jerry was charged with "actions un-becoming of a Snapper" - until quickly refuted with the point that that might be an oxymoron, hence his charge was pled down to the lesser "bad form" rap (since it was further alleged that you had said same as you stomped off).

A sad sub-plot to the whole sorry episode found Steve Peltier to again be heard all over the course throughout the round hollering
"A S S H O L E!!" To whom he was yelling I can only guess, although one result was that my score once again crept into the high-fifties... when WILL it end with that crazy Frenchman?!!
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July 10, 2004
Time is on my side, yes it is
Asshole-of-the-Day Winner/ Week 10

The "Asshole of the day" award was awarded by majority vote of the league to Greg and I, for foolishly and assholishly teeing off sans opponents Guy and Larry, when Guy told me last week that he wasn't coming this week and Larry hadn't golfed the previous 5 weeks. I assholishly took Guy's word for it, and also assumed that Larry would make it 6-in-a-row. We also assholishly didn't want to wait any longer than the 20 minutes we already had, since we assholishly arrived to the course on time. We also assholishly wanted to get the league moving and get the course ranger off our butts. We will try to do better by arriving after 5:30 p.m. and teeing off last with everybody else.

You may sense some sarcasm in the above, and that I don't believe the spirit of the award was met. You'd be right. That is why I reacted the way I did by throwing the greenie money in the air and storming off while telling all of you to "F**k off!"

NOW I feel more deserving of the award and accept it graciously.

Reprinted here for your edification is rule number seven of the official Snapper rules as it relates to last weeks' events...

    7. Forfeit time is any time after the opposing team has completed their first hole or someone else not on the league has teed off behind them, whichever occurs first; the opposing team is of course expected to be the last off the tee for the league;
This rule is inherently flawed as it doesn't account for the circumstances at work last week, when no complete foursome could not be formed for over 20 minutes. I propose the following amendment to fix this flaw…

    Special Rule 7a), a/k/a the "Glacial Twins Revision": It has been said that God created time so that everything doesn't happen at once. DaBlade says that tee times were created so that everyone doesn't think they can show up late and tee off last. Therefore, the incomplete group that opts to tee off after a 10 minute gap, thereby circumventing the expectation in rule 7 to be the last off the tee for the league, shall not be penalized or impugned, either with AOTD nominations or insults, even if the tardy opponent(s) arrive later wondering why they weren't catered to.

(This proposal went down in flames, and ultimately led to a followup AOTD award for myself. The vote also carried that I am no longer allowed to write up my own numerous asshole wins.)
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Timmy K. "skins" the AOTD award!
July 2, 2004
News & Views By DaBlade/ Snapper News

As the league members know, we started playing a version of skins several weeks ago for a one dollar contribution per team. (DISCLAIMER: The use of the word "contribution" is strictly perfunctory and was a suggestion by our legal counsel, Snapper, to create deniability of a gambling charge, and in no way should confuse Snapper members into thinking they have a choice in coughing up the buck). It was decided that there would be one skin hole chosen by blind draw at the end of the round each week. The pot up for grabs is ten dollars per week before carry-overs, so we aren't talking childs-play here people!

The tension was high last week as the nine duckets representing the holes played were folded and mixed on the table in front of Snapper. Each team is silently hoping for a particular draw on the hole they were most proud of, probably wondering how they will spend their share of the booty. Everyone becomes deathly still and quiet as a ducket is selected and unfolded, and Snapper announces, "hole number thirteen."

Timmy immediately screams with a patented Marv Albert "YES!" and everyone assumes Timmy and his partner Jason have the winning hand. When the scorecards were checked, Timmy and Jason each had shot an "8". It is not known what Timmy could have been thinking, nor whether he has anything else in common with Mr. Albert (besides the exclamation of "YES!" and the affinity for wearing women's panties). It is also not clear if Marvs' hotel tryst involved a cleanup involving bleach. some things are best left a mystery!
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Cape Latest AOTD Recipient!
Cape proudly displays his seat belt citation (and Snapper's beer retainer?), while Lawless (right) looks on (with his eyes closed)

Asshole-of-the-Day
June 3, 2004

Bill received a unanimous vote to win the 2nd AOTD award in 2004. Here are the facts as I know them. Dave asked his partner for the yardage on an approach shot, and Bill answered by stating that Dave had 125 yards to the hole. Dave selected a club based on Bill's yardage response, and struck it well, flying directly over the flagstick, landing 20-some yards long of the green! "There's no way I hit my 9-iron 140 yards!," exclaimed Dave. "Maybe that red thing (brick) means 100 yards after all," answered Bill.

Whether Bill purposely provided his partner with false yardage information, or he really thought that the red bricks were 125-yard markers, we may never know. I think we can all agree that Bill is deserving of the AOTD in either case. We might also suggest that Dave open his eyes on occasion!

Dishonorable Mention
Timmy K. was consuming an adult beverage (of a brand not sold at the course) in a glass bottle (in obvious violation of the "no glass bottles allowed on course" rule) while driving his golf cart down the path, when he spotted the beer girl heading his way. Wanting to keep a low profile and avoid uncomfortable inquiries as to the origin of his beverage, Timmy turned his cart nonchalantly off the cart path, and through the yellow rope. Witnesses stated that the stakes popped out of the ground some 150 yards in either direction, and the "TWANG" sounded like a giant guitar string breaking. Timmy's misdirection worked to perfection, and he never was asked about his bottled brew.
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May 15, 2004
Free Flow of Beer Put at Risk!
Asshole-of-the-Day Winner/ Week 2

You don't pull on Superman's cape.
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't pull the mask off that ol' Lone Ranger,
and for goodness sake, don't piss off the beer girl!

--- SNAPPER BYLAW

There are some things that everyone knows you just don't do on the golf course. For instance, you don't walk in someone's line on the green. You don't hit until you are out. Most importantly, you never do or say anything to, or in the presence of the beer girl that she could possibly construe as offensive. I, of all people should have known better.

I sat in my cart at the #6 tee box awaiting my turn, as my partner and opponents ambled up to the tee. The beer girl, a young and tender brunette with long tan legs protruding from white shorts, pulled up next to me (probably to get a closer look at my taught and rippled frame). Gary had waggled successfully, and was addressing his ball. Just before his swing, I engaged the reverse lever, causing a loud and irritating buzz, thereby disrupting Gary's concentration, and drawing the attention of all at the tee box. (My only excuse I can offer for doing this is that I apparently suffer from a mild case of Tourette's Syndrome that manifests itself by uncontrollable golf cart reverse lever urges.)

Those of you that are dog owners know that your pet takes the blame for most of your flatulence. It is really no different here, when I yelled, "Beer Girl! Don't do that!" My ruse worked to perfection, as Blevins sneered and called the beer girl "Einstein" as she drove off wrongly accused.
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Asshole-of-the-Day
May 8, 2004

AOTD Dishonorable Mentions...
The J-Wolf, arrived late and missed his first Snapper tee-off with his new partner Timmy K. (yes, there was open speculation that he had quit already). J-Wolf played the first hole solo and caught up with the group on the second tee. When Timmy asked him for his score, J-Wolf replied, "I got a five one." "What the f&*% is the one for?" asked Timmy. "My putts," he replied. Since this league doesn't track putts, should we infer that the J-Wolf's total score was six?

Or how about my partner, Greg, who missed golf to watch his daughter's soccer game In-and-of-itself not AOTD material. However, a soccer ball rifled into the stands missing the throng of parents and spectators, save for one. You guessed it. The ball smacked Greg in his glasses, sending them bent and flying off the grandstand. While he avoided injury this time, you have to wonder if his head has become a macabre magnet for golf balls, soccer balls, and other sports related projectiles. "I won't be going bowling any time soon!," Greg stated.
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