2003 Assholes of the Day

Steve Markunas (8/21/03)  "left windows down in storm"
Bill and Dave (8/7/03)  "switched nametags"
Jerry Carlson (7/24/03)  "Pic-pic shanghai"
Greg Carlson (7/17/03)  "Take your pick"
Chris Carlson (6/12/03)  "College Boy's Chaos Defense Rejected"
Rick Carlson (5/29/03)  "Shoeless Snapper"
Carl Jordan (5/15/03)  "for wrapping golf cart in giant condom"
Ryan Zelenbaba (5/8/03)  "for flaunting his greenies money"
no winner (5/1/03)  "a few unworthy nominations"

August 21, 2003
Since the dawn of human time, back when man spent his time hunting and gathering,he has always had to be keenly aware of the weather. Of course, primitive man didn't have the benefit of doppler radar and satellite images before they left their caves for a game of clubs and stones.

We are sitting under the canopied deck watching the last of the Snapper league putt out on the 18th green in the driving rain and lightning storm that had just rolled in. A golf cart squeals and skids to a stop on the rain slick cart path. We see Kachelski launch from the protective womb of his cart and race to his ball, a mere 50 feet from the hole. Rain drops assault Timmy's smooth, bald pate, as he hurriedly putts out. Etiquette be damned, when one's head becomes an inviting environment for a lightning strike.

It was about this time, from the dry and comfortable confines of our beer deck, that Steve Markunas suddenly remembered what he had forgot to do upon his arrival to the course several hours prior. Steve wins the AOTD for leaving the windows of his vehicle down for Thursday's round, in the face of forecasted 60 mile-per-hour vertical winds and rain that had been predicted for two days. Congratulations Steve!
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August 7, 2003
Bill and Dave won the first team asshole-of-the-day award two weeks ago, when they showed up to the golf course wearing nametags. They were scheduled to play Fulgham and Blevins, and Gary had mistakenly called Bill "Dave" and Dave "Bill" a few times during a round earlier in the season (and all involved having been league members continuously for over a decade).

No problem so far. This was actually a considerate gesture, helping out a seasoned member of our league. I mean, you wouldn't call a boyscout an "asshole" for gently taking an elderly woman's elbow and slowly helping her cross the street, right? But what if the elderly lady suffered from alzheimer's and the boyscout left her on an unfamiliar corner (in the country) to see if she could find her way home?

That's the best analogy I can think of to explain the cold-hearted and callous act of what came next. Sometime during the round, Dave and Bill Surreptitiously switched nametags to confuse and bewilder Gary. Shame!
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July 24, 2003
Jerry "DaBlade" Carlson wins the AOTD award for "shanghaiing his partner's pick-pick." While not governed by any official Snapper rules, there is a certain protocol that has been followed over the years involving mutual and simultaneous gimmee putts, commonly referred to as "pick-picks."

First and foremost, there has to be an offer AND an acceptance. Said agreement must be between opponents, NOT members of the same team. Lastly, the putts should be comparatively equitable, taking into account the skill levels (and blood alcohol levels) of the potential putters.

The scenario: My partner Greg made a "pick-pick" offer to our opponent Bill Cape. Bill's ball was a foot outside my ball, and potentially in position to give me a good read on my putt. I pointed this out to Greg by pleading, "let him give me line!." Bill looked to Greg, who simply shrugged his shoulders as if to say "sorry Bill, no deal." Bill then stepped up to address his ball. "Pick-pick" Bill?," I asked, needing to drop my putt for an eight. Not one to miss a chance twice, Bill pocketed his ball to close the deal, as Greg's jaw dropped down to the surface of the green.

Moral of the story: Man who want to "pick-pick" his balls should seek permission of all that are present.
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Asshole-of-the-Day - July 17, 2003
Glacial Greg Carlson wins the AOTD award for (pick one)...
1) Holding up league play by insisting on back tracking to search for his misplaced umbrella after it clearly had stopped raining for the night.
2) Arriving to the course early so you could practice a lengthy breaking putt on the practice green (in the driving rain) for the purpose of seeking an advantage on a planned bet with Guy. When Metzger arrived, he fell for your trick by agreeing to the bet. You chunked your putt and Guy took your dollar. Oh my!
3) Normally quite witty, you were just plain humorless all evening. ConGregulations!
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June 12, 2003
College Boy's Chaos Defense Rejected
Asshole-of-the-Day Winner/ Week 7

A very small action--the flapping of a butterfly's wing--can have an enormous impact on a dynamic system--weather patterns that create hurricanes.

"Only a Carlson would want to draw that much attention to himself."

Had Chris finished unpacking from college, then he would have gotten around to removing his clubs from his dad's trunk; and had Snapper's court appearance not ran late, then he would have golfed; and had Snapper golfed, then Chris would have had the use of his own clubs; and had Chris had his own clubs, then he wouldn't have won the AOTD award for pulling up to the 1st tee box with his mother's equipment: A powder baby-blue golf bag topped with hot pink club-head covers.

That's what Chris would have us believe. Events started by others out of his control. Nice try Chris, but the rest of us Snappers don't know nuthin' 'bout no fancy book learnin', and it shore don't explain the disturbing bonnet you were sporting perched atop your head.

Dis-honorable Mentions
1) As league members know, Greg is not shy about trying to use his monocular vision for pity gimmees outside even Cape range. Last week he found himself in a green-side bunker. After blasting out and flying the green,Greg grumbled, "In retrospect, I should have hit a sand wedge instead of a 9-iron,." In an effort to cheer him up, I answered "hindsight is twenty."
2) Guy wins the "No, I had the suckiest night" duel he had with Greg after the round, when he reminded him that he was golfing in the group behind Greg and stated, "not only did I golf shitty, but I had to watch you all night."
3) Bill Cape shot a sparkling 49 and attributed his success on the greens by mimicking Jason Kidd's trademark of touching his butt cheek and then blowing a kiss to the hole before each putt.
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May 29, 2003
"Shoeless" Joe Jackson has nothing on Rick "Shoeless Snapper" Carlson. Jackson, who received his nickname "Shoeless," after playing a minor league game in his stockings because of blisters, has been denied entry into baseball's hall-of-fame for allegations of his involvement in the throwing of the 1919 World Series. Going shoeless, however, did not prevent Snapper from winning the AOTD award for week 5.

Several credible witnesses (using the term "credible" very loosely here) reported seeing a disheveled and shoeless Snapper mumbling to himself while wandering the parking lot after his round last week. Rick didn't stick around to explain, nor has he responded to my inquiries on his answering machine. Concerned league members are left to wonder "why? "

Did he lose them mid-round? Did he become disoriented by his car's exhaust after removing his soft spike golf shoes, but before he slipped into his loafers? Did he leave them in the pro shop with orders to have them buffed and polished for next week? An investigation has been launched to get to the bottom of this peculiar mystery.
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May 15, 2003
"Safe Golf" Practiced by Carl "Air" Jordan

Editorial Opinion By DaBlade/ Snapper News

C arl Jordan wins the asshole-of-the-day award for wrapping his golf cart in a giant prophylactic with nary a drop of rain all night. From across the fairway, Carl resembled Tod Lubitch, the teenage boy born without an active immune system, and portrayed in the 1976 movie "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble." After about the third hole, the plastic windows fogged up and it was hard to tell just what the hell Carl and his playing partner, Bill Cobb, were up to.

Hole after hole, a routine developed. The sheathed cart would pull up near a ball, one of the two occupants would exit briefly to strike their ball, then hustle back to their protective shelter. Had the skies opened up with a rainfall like we experienced in week one, Carl not only would have avoided winning the AOTD award, he likely would have been the envy of the league.

Maybe his motives for Trojanizing his golf cart had nothing to do with rain, and everything to do with protection from the rising mosquito population. Michigan was hard hit with the West Nile virus last year, and this year is forecast to be worse. I had a scare when I noticed a mosquito making a kamikaze run for my exposed pecker during a urination break in in the woodlands. Had I not reeled in in time, my member would have resembled a dead crow the next morning.

"You can pick these babies up for only $170!," Carl exclaimed excitedly. It's unclear however, if it costs extra to get a cart condom lubricated and ribbed for your partner's pleasure.
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May 8, 2003
Ryan Zelenbaba wins the AOTD award in week 2 for "flaunting his greenies money." When presented with his $24 in various denominations, instead of quickly secreting them into the depths of his wallet, Ryan fanned said bills and began to count out loud. He was probably ok until he then began to sort his bills so that all the presidents were lined up in a row staring at us.

Dishonorable mentions
1) Dave, for his verbal outburst at the elderly ranger.
2) With a side bet of "longest drive for $1" on the line, and Bernie Cason already into the woods, Jimmy Walker pulled out his wedge to increase his odds.
3) After answering the club cleaner boy's question of "how did you shoot?" with his score of "62," Timmy K. felt it necessary to follow up with an explanation that it was for only 9 holes.
4) Gary Fulgham nominated for calling Bill "Dave", and Dave "Bill" all night.
5) John Missitti nominated for giving away Snapper's greenside ball to a passerby.

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May 1, 2003
No winners but several dishonorable mentions.
1) Jerry (me) for arriving to the course, loading my clubs in the cart, and driving off towards the first tee with my car doors left open.
2) Greg nominated Bernie and Rob for wearing matching "jonseys."
3) Someone else bitterly nominated all the dry and warm people who left early.
4) I nominated Greg when he complained that he didn't mean to tip the waitress one whole dollar for two coffees, but the bills were so wet, they stuck together.

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