June 7, 2001 (week 7)
Mike Watson wins the AOTD award for admitted "failure to copulate with a date" he claims to have had years ago with a gal who went on to become a recent Playboy Playmate. If he is to be believed, then why wouldn’t he lie about the outcome of his date? Mike stated "we went to dinner and a concert, then I took her home. She didn’t look like that when I dated her, so I’m sure there was some surgical enhancements since then." The rest of the Snappers agreed, and speculated that said enhancements probably included "penal removal".

Honorable Mention:
Pat Pettegrew narrowly avoided the AOTD win, but did not avoid getting a golf cart wheel entangled in a yellow cordon rope that ran along side the cart path. With reckless abandon, Pat floored the accelerator pedal, uprooting several stakes, sending them through the air as high speed projectiles, narrowly missing opponent Dave Lawless. This is the second incident involving the yellow rope, and may initiate rule changes for Snapper safety.

May 31, 2001 (week 6)
Gary Fulgham wins for "destruction of Snapper greenie cards". It actually was a mercy killing, as the cards depicted naked, toothless seniors in spread eagle fashion, that Fenner downloaded from the internet to fulfill Lawless' request. I just thought Gary deserved a new golf ball for this.

May 24, 2001 (week 5)
ASSHOLE OF THE DAY NOMINATIONS:
Greg Carlson for extreme spousal loyalty unbecoming a Snapper. Greg e-mailed Jerry this week after the tornado buzzed Tyrone Hills Golf Course suggesting the League apparently owed his wife an apology for belittling her attempt to ensure his safety many years ago with a telephone call (from Davison) to the club pro, Dennis (in Hartland) asking him to clear the course for possible bad weather. Greg said she was just being prudent, and was in fact right after all (if several years too early).

Chuck Fenner for failing to get an appropriate rise out of Dave Lawless with his choice of closest to the pin crotch shots. Dave (a high school teacher by day) wondered aloud if we could not direct Chuck to give us photos of snatches at least one third the average age of the league rather than the pre-pubescence Chuck chose which somehow made Dave (I mean Professor Lawless, Sir) uncomfortable.

Jerry Carlson for consuming his wife's secret stash of one half bottle (aperitif size) of White Zinfandel wine during league play. He tried to defend first by stating indignantly that one ought not be able to receive a nomination for your choice of beverages but stopped when the guys threw beer and spit pucker on him. He simply whimpered and said it was all there was in the fridge.

AND THE WINNER IS:…………………………..
JERRY CARLSON for attempted partner decapitation. Doyne politely and quietly informed us after play that a pleasant golf cart ride had suddenly and violently gone very wrong on hole number 5 when the cart, with Jerry at the wheel, shirt disheveled and cap slightly askew and presumably under the influence of white zin, began to sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide sidewise at a high rate of speed through the "carts that way" sign wrapping Doyne tightly about the neck with yellow cordon rope. Doyne insists he did nothing to deserve this that he could recall and Jerry simply said again,…" that's all there was in the fridge".

jErRy'S dEfEnSe:God forbid I try to add a little class to this rag-tag bohemian golf league by sipping blush wine!Besides...that's all there was in the fridge

August 31, 2000 (It’s all over!)
OH THE HUMANITY!! Greg and I split the Asshole-of-the-Day award for “premature celebration.” (Recap) We came into the last night of position round needing to overcome a 2-point deficit to reclaim 1st place. We methodically and surgically destroyed our opponents (Wolf and Timmy) by the tune of 13 points to 9. VICTORY WAS OURS! Or so we thought. Not wanting to appear ungracious and poor sportsmanlike, we decided not to whoop it up until AFTER Wolf and Timmy left; which they did. Pictured here is a photo taken by the “Brat Babe” of Greg and I in full celebratory mode.

Just as the picture was being taken, we heard a loud and painful “NOOOO!!!”. We looked to the source of the misery and to our horror saw Kachelski had returned. “I just returned because I forgot to pay the rest of my league dues.” “You guys were so gracious! And now you are posing for pictures”! “NOOOO!!” exclaimed little Timmy, as he threw the dues money at me and ran back to the parking lot.

Greg and I continued our celebration by drinking, sobbing with joy, and embracing. It was short lived however, when we discovered that Vanderport and Husted had collapsed like a house of cards to Bernie and Rob by a score of 18-4, thereby tying us with a total of 213 points. Obviously, a playoff hole was needed to decide the matter. So we felt our way back to the first tee through the impending dark and the mosquito swarms, with the last hole gallery following. I drove the ball dead left, out of bounds on the range, bladed a 3-wood, two wedges and a putt, and still managed to get to the green at the same time as Ruhstorfer. It appeared that the hole would be halfed, until Rob calmly knocked down his 20 foot putt for the victory!

Pictured above is an unidentified Glacial Twin. I will say this. Instead of congratulating Rob and my brother-in-law Bernie, I instead told Bernie I was going home to beat his sister!

August 10 (week 15) By Greg Carlson
In an unprecedented move, the vote for A.O.T.D. turned ugly last week resulting in the “Course Ranger” winning our most coveted award, heretofore reserved for the most deserving golfer amongst us. The verbal tirade leveled against Chris Carlson by the Ranger for the misdemeanor of driving a golf cart too close to the tee box was excessive and just plain mean spirited. Witnesses agreed he looked like some crazed state trooper spraying gravel from the median in hot pursuit of his prey. When admonished later for his shrill outburst, the Ranger could only be heard to whimper “but I was only trying to impress Brookwood’s Golf Pro who was standing right there…(sniff), (sniff)” Shame on you Mr. Course Ranger, and be advised that no golf ball shall be awarded you this day!

Close Calls:
· Betsy the beer girl was nominated for unwittingly pushing Rick “Snapper” Carlson over the edge with her refusal to fetch him a glass with ice (first the assault against son-of-snapper, now this!)
· Bill Cobb was nominated for recording all of his scores into the wrong area of the scorecard, normally more than sufficient to win this award on most weeks.
· Steve Peltier offered an incoherent nomination which, when asked to repeat/clarify it, was unable to.
· Jerry Carlson (perhaps the first and probably the last nomination to make it to print given his editorial dictatorship over the content on this sheet), was overheard apologizing for his slow play to several groups from the women’s league.

“Brookwood or Buick” Quiz:(By DaBlade) Test your knowledge of The Buick Open and The Brookwood Snappers Golf League in this challenging bonus quiz…

Question: Who said “How long have you been driving a golf cart on a golf course boy?” and why?
A) A Warwick Hills Course Ranger sneered this to Casey Martin for driving too close to a tee box during play.
B) A Brookwood Course Ranger sneered this to Snapper’s 16-year-old son, Chris, to make himself feel like a big man in front of his boss.

Question: Who said “I know who I am.” “I know I’m a chump!”?
A) Tom Vanderport and Tim Husted , after relinquishing first place to team #2 (The Glacial Twins).
B) Woody Austin admitted that the pressure got to him, after relinquishing his 2-shot lead heading into Saturday.
C) Both A and B are true.

Question: What golf tandem played the last hole shirtless?
A) Chris Perry and Rocco Mediate.
B) The Glacial Twins (Greg and Jerry)
C) Betsy the Beer Girl and Barb the Brat Babe

Question: TRUE or FALSE?
____ Tiger Woods helped spur attendance records at the Buick, which have also caused record concessions and beer sales.
____ Good product plus friendly atmosphere means more money!
____ Betsy the Beer Girl refused to sell cups and ice to league members last week (like she has done all year for hefty tips) presumably because they’re used for smuggled Apple Pucker
____ Brookwood beer sales are likely to skyrocket, now that the Pucker scam has been shut down!
____ Betsy will probably have her most profitable week all year this week, at the expense of the intellectually inferior Snapper golfers.
____ Poor customer service and poor manners means less money!

(week 3, August>“Little Timmy” Kachelski wins hands down for breaching “alcohol endowment recognition” etiquette. It all started when Chuck Fenner purchased vodka jello shots for his friends Tom Vanderport and Tim (a/k/a “Tiny Tim”) Husted who are partners that were playing in a different foursome. Chuck insists that his instructions to Betsy the Beer Girl were very precise, and that he clearly told her to give the jello shots to Tom and “Tiny Tim”. Betsy mistakenly gave Tiny Tim’s shot to Little Tim, and the league is convinced that Kachelski immediately was aware of his undeserved good fortune. The league further finds no indiscretions when, upon understanding the mix up, he instantly consumed his ill-gotten treasure. In fact, to this point he should be applauded. However, the league finds that Little Timmy stepped over the line when he neglected to say “thanks” to Chuck.

Close Calls:
· Jimmy Walker called my office Thursday afternoon to inform me he was subbing for Lawless and wanted to know who his opponents would be. I told him he would be playing against Rod Sterba and Chuck Fenner. The line was quiet and I first thought we had been disconnected, then I heard him breathing. “Is that match-up a problem” I inquired? “No” said Jim, “I like Rod”.
· Mike Watson may have been the first ever to perform a feat of such stunning incomprehension when he actually whiffed on a putt.

July 27, 2000 (week 13)
No AOTD winner for the second week in a row. I’m sure several Snappers are deserving, but for some reason nobody’s talking! Be prepared to nominate your partner in self-defense. None the less, here are the highlights (and lowlights)…
· Chuck Fenner was accused of wearing “control stockings”, evidently for a varicose vein problem.
· Greg came up short on hole #8 (152 yard par 3) when he mistook his 9-iron for his 6-iron.
· At the request of several members of the ladies league, Greg and I played the last hole shirtless, displaying our glistening and rippling abs.
· Also in the testosterone department, Bernie Cason and Rob Ruhstorfer challenged Dave Wolfenden and Steve Markunas to a hole-by-hole mini scramble after league play. According to Bernie, he was provoked into this confrontation because Wolf was “talking some smack”. Unless my sources are in error, the youngsters smoked the old geezers for $60 before lightning put a merciful end to it.
· Has anyone heard from John Lee and Pat Pettegrew in 3 weeks? They can hardly be blamed for avoiding the showdown with team #2 last week. So much for circling the date on your calendars boys.

July 20, 2000 (week 13)

No AOTD winner, but that’s not to say last week was uneventful.
· Steve Markunas was nominated for an attempted karate kick to the back of Dave Lawless’ knees at the first tee box.
· Cape and Lawless had career rounds last week. It just so happens that their opponents didn’t show, and they golfed solo. Coincidence, or “pick-pick”?
· Who in attendance will ever forget Timmy K’s spectacular “9-wood” fairway “sand woodge” slice around and under a tree, through and over the lip of a “green protecting” sand trap to within 3 feet of the hole on #18? Not I.
· And lastly, I caught Greg posing as our mother via e-mail, berating me for picking on her little Greggie in my AOTD write-ups on the web page. Sad.

Other observations (in no particular order)…
There was a motion to ban knee braces on the course, but was not received well and didn’t carry. Can someone please dethrone the crippled Scott Cowan from the “Low Actual” column of the sheet? And how about the recent surge and lofty status in the standings by team #2? Hopefully we didn’t have a Depends moment and peak too early.

Finally, thanks to all of you (both of you) who participated in my web site poll in my run for the vice presidency. The response was overwhelming, although the four votes (two of them mine) was not the mandate I had hoped for. I am now having serious doubts whether or not I was actually in communication with Dick Cheney via e-mail, after the “mother” impersonation. I am now considering jumping party lines and contacting Ralph Nader with my VP proposal. He’s obviously a golfer (Green Party) and may be more open to incorporating my platform. For those of you without internet access (Tim)…here are my ideas…

I represent the heretofore-ignored coalition of sedentary middle-aged male golf hackers and women. Males will most definitely relate to me, and women (who largely vote with their hormones) will work themselves into a lather over me. My only fear of being derailed is the unsubstantiated rumors of misconduct and unrequited advances involving Betsy the Beer Girl. Let me just give you a hint of what my platform entails.
1) I would have army engineers remove the “Pentagon sized” pole barn from hole #18 at Brookwood. I would also have the green moved in front of the creek.
2) Middle East peace process? Give me a bottle of Green Apple Pucker and one hour in a locked room with Arafat and that Israeli dude.
3) Mandatory thongs for all cart girls.

1) Upon arriving before his partner, Tom was confronted with a lot full of available golf carts, but he couldn’t get even one of them to work! An unidentified Snapper had to counsel him on the fine art of securing a cart key from the pro shop.
2) Tom was surprised when he was hit up for the $4 contribution for greenies. Until last week, he had always conveniently arrived after these collections were made, and apparently it never occurred to him where the prize monies originated.
3) Having grown accustomed to the escort, Tom assumed he was entitled to be chauffeured to the first tee by the Course Marshall (as if it were a service offered to every Snapper as part of some “league package”).
4) Tom seemed confused when he was made to start the round on hole #1, usually his finishing hole for the front nine.

Dis-Honorable Mentions:
1) Team #1 (Rick and Steve) were spotted trying to ignite a large tee pee of sticks, twigs, and brush into a bonfire at an unidentified tee box. It was rumored that Markunas had the fixin’s for S’mores in his golf bag. It is not known whether or not their consumption of opponent’s Apple Pucker hooch (a/k/a “Snapper Champaign”) had any bearing on this bizarre behavior.
2) Yet another wardrobe nomination. This time involving Guy Metzger and Mike Watson for wearing matching white blouses with navy pinstripes, and snazzy saddle shoes. So guys. Did the inspiration to coordinate require a phone call before the round, or did one of you just “nudge” the other that morning?
3) Lastly, Tom was nominated by his partner for wearing a blinding white hat and shirt that looked like they were recently bleached and starched, but couldn’t find clean white socks, (instead of the dingy yellowed elastic worn foot coverings he wore).

6/29/00 (week 9)
Greg wins by a unanimous vote for his "risky fashion ensemble faux pas". Greg chose to wear his plaid boxer briefs to golf, but apparently in a fit of confusion, neglected to put on the pastel "skorts" his wife had laid out on the bed for him.
Pictured , fellow snappers try to counsel Greg in the proper use of UNDER garments.

6/22/00 (week 8)
A.O.T.D. Winner:Tim Kachelski wins for “misplaced incredulism”. According to eyewitnesses, Timmy sliced an “11 wood” high into a stand of trees. The ball caromed several times, sending leaves cascading down to the fairway like so much confetti. The ball eventually popped out and miraculously came to rest on the green. Rather than thanking the golf Gods for his good fortune, Tim had the audacity to bitterly complain about his lengthy downhill putt. Damn the luck!

Honorable Mention: Rick “Snapper” Carlson continues to be to the Snappers, what Jim was to Marlin Perkins on Wild Kingdom. You may recall, Snapper earned his nickname in 1988, when he dueled a monstrous turtle in the middle of the fairway with a golf tee, in order to prove his contention that said turtle was indeed a snapping turtle. He lost the duel, thereby proving his theory. (Fast forward to last week) So who better to identify the furry mammal crouched in the brush. “Is it a gopher or a woodchuck?” inquired Steve Markunas to no one in particular. Snapper, using the scientific method he had honed from hours of watching “Bill Nye, the Science Guy”, decided to prove his theory that the critter in question was in fact a woodchuck, by bowling a Titleist off the nervous fur ball’s snout. What this proved is not really known, but neither an emergency room visit, nor a tetanus shot were required this time.

6/15/00 (week 7)
Chuck Fenner wins the A.O.T.D. award for “excessive confusion”. Chuck became excited when his partner, Rod Sterba, was the only player of their group to hit the first par 3 green. Wanting to be a good partner, Chuck ran onto the green presumably with the intention of marking and moving the greenie stake to the spot where Rod’s ball came to rest. He became disoriented and animated when he couldn’t find the stake. “Why isn’t the stake here?” he wondered aloud. When it was explained to Chuck that they were the first league group off, he sheepishly retrieved the stake from the cart basket.

“Brookwood or Pebble Beach” Quiz:
Test your knowledge of The U.S. Open and The Brookwood Snappers Golf League in this challenging bonus quiz…

Question: Who said “I motion for a new “piss limit” rule that prohibits excessive urination during play”?
A) Dave Lawless, in reference to Team Budlight (John Lee and Pat Pettegrew) urinating on every fairway.
B) Dan Quinn, John Daly’s caddy (for same)

Question: Who finished a glorious career by emotionally “3 putting” his final hole through tear filled eyes amidst thunderous applause from the last hole gallery?
A) Jack Nicklaus, in his final US Open appearance.
B) Jerry “DaBlade” Carlson, in his final league appearance.

Question: Who covered up an opponent’s beautiful “middle of the fairway” drive with a stripe of sod, in an attempt to throw them off their game?
A) Steve Markunas perpetrated this heinous act against Gary Fulgham.
B) David Duval perpetrated this heinous act against Tiger Woods.

Question: Which of the following is a true statement…
A) Sergio Garcia wore “funny pants” in an emotional tribute to the late, great Payne Stewart.
B) Chuck Fenner wore “funny pants” because there was a sale at Wal Mart.
C) Regrettably, both are true statements.

Question: Who shot a “66” last Thursday?
A) Miguel Jimenez first round at Pebble Beach.
B) Mike Watson, front nine at Brookwood
C) Again, regrettably, both are true statements.

Question: Who said “I had to take a lot of medicine coming in”?
A) Hal Sutton, in reference to recent back problems.
B) Rob Ruhstorfer, in reference to the “beer girl” showing up late on the 4th hole.
C) Both “A” and “B”.

Question: Who played “in a fog” Thursday?
A) The entire field at Pebble Beach
B) The entire Snapper field (self induced)
C) Both “A” and “B”.

Thanks for playing!!!

6/8/00 (week 6)
Steve Markunas wins for allowing himself to be duped by the Snapper’s own version of Abbott and Costello, our very own con men, Cape and Lawless. Steve was rightfully feeling pretty good about himself after his round of 39, having broke the notorious “40 barrier”. Bill and Dave feigned disbelief and demanded proof by proposing Steve call out his hole-by-hole score and they would answer with the running total. Steve agreed, and started the process by shouting “four and three”! Bill and Dave responded with a “Seven”. “Five” said Steve. “Thirteen”, exclaimed the boys. Steve continued his hole-by-hole score, unaware that an extra stroke had surreptitiously been added to his total. When Steve proudly reached his score on hole #9 and inevitably the total was “40”, his sails deflated. 40 is still a good score, but not when you are expecting a 39. Would Chuck Yeager have been satisfied had he traveled only 1,115 feet per second? That’s pretty fast, but as every Snapper realizes, the speed of sound is 1,116 feet per second (at sea level and at 59degrees F).

6/1/00 (week 5)
A bizarre sequence of events led Dave Wolfenden to victory last week. After routinely sticking the first par 3 green, Dave chose not to sign the greenie stake. Whether this decision was due to his over estimating his fellow Snapper’s abilities, or simply arrogance that the shot was not up to his standards, we may never know. What we do know is that it was a decision he would come to regret, as he harassed group after group after completing their rounds, and “bitching” when he discovered no one had even come close to the green. That is until an opportunistic Metzger claimed the greenie in the final group with an auspicious roll just inside the apron.

Honorable Mentions:

1) Bill Cape was runner-up when, upon arriving to the course, pulled his vehicle into a parking spot clearly marked by a “Reserved for Golf Professional” sign. Bill’s defense was that he felt the sign was “kind of vague” since it didn’t actually name a particular golf professional. Even his own partner, Dave Lawless, wasn’t buying it when he rhetorically asked “what was your score again tonight Bill?”
2) Rick “Snapper” Carlson was nominated for emptying his golf bag of balls and other golf paraphernalia, searching in vain for his car keys. His partner, Steve Markunas, reminded Snapper (after the required elapse of time in such cases) that his son had dropped him off.
3) Chuck Fenner gets an honorable mention for wearing what appeared to be his jammies, and Guy speculated that he was “free balling it” to boot.
4) It was also rumored that Bill Cobb nailed a squirrel in week 4. Did anyone check his car antenna for a trophy?

5/25/00 (week 4)
Steve Peltier wins for his callus remark made in response to the raucous applause that was heard wafting from several fairways away. “I’ll bet those cheers are due to Metzger’s partner not having to invoke the double par plus one rule” said Peltier gleefully. It was unanimously agreed upon in the clubhouse, that Steve could have been spared winning the AOTD award had he simply called out Watson by name. It was the double insult that did him in, however.

Honorable Mentions:
1) Tim Kachelski makes it close for “removing his golf glove to take a piss”. According to Bill Cape, it made the entire group uncomfortable, and Bill was visibly shaken in the clubhouse hours later.
2) Jim Walker received consideration when, at the top of his back swing, he was able to abort to answer his ringing cell phone call from his bookie.
3) Dave Wolfenden, for denying “pick picks” between his own partner and an opponent, when they had already agreed upon the exchange. (of course it involved Cape, who else?)

5/11/00 (Week 2)
Guy Metzger wins for “hitting a goose”. After thorough interrogation from fellow Snappers it was determined that the goose was struck with his ball (not his club) and it was in the fairway protecting her young. Guy’s only defense was that “it was a good 20 yards downfield, and had just grazed it”. While I have no problem with humanely massacring a goose with a shotgun for the purpose of grinding sausage (doesn’t PETA stand for People Eating Tasty Animals?) it is an obvious infraction of Snapper rule #9, prohibiting interaction with the wildlife. Therefore, in good conscience, no ball will be awarded so as to discourage this behavior in the future.

5/4/00
No winner for AOTD in week 1, though we had some close calls. Guy Metzger and his partner Mike Watson were up to their usual shenanigans of shaking their opponents beers and loosening their bag straps from the cart. While these high jinks might win the award for the average “normal” golfer, Guy and Mike have set the bar a little higher for themselves.

I could also nominate the two groups that left after their rounds without submitting their score cards, but I don’t want to embarrass anybody (Wolfenden/Kachelski, D. Markunas/Rehbein, Cason/Ruhstorfer, Fulgham/Blevins)…Luckily, the cart guy found them on the carts in the garage after I tipped him a hefty sum. It is now mandatory that each foursome appoints a “Card Captain” to avoid this occurrence again. Please have the elected one state the “Card Captain Oath” before the round….

I (state your name) pledge allegiance to the card
Of the United Snappers of Brookwood.
And to its return, to DaBlade I will hand
One scorecard, under God
Indecipherable
With beer stains and math errors from all.
Amen.,

August 26, 1999
No AOTD winner, but an honorable mention goes out to both Dave Wolfenden and Steve Markunas. From the last hole gallery after their round, they emptied their bags of balls, hitting shot after shot in an attempt to “win” $1 from the other for longest drive (no attempt was made to recover these shots, even though many of Steve’s contributions were but a short stroll away). Let’s see if I have this right. It costs “the winner” a $2 ball to earn a one dollar bill. Hmmmm. A raw display of power, or a clear lack of basic economic comprehension?

August 19, 1999 (guest writer: Rick “Snapper” Carlson)
AOTD – Mark Blevins. Scott Cowan was a onesome when neither his opponents nor his partner showed, and with his daughter’s birthday party waiting, he asked to and was allowed to join our foursome, now a fivesome. When this was noticed by Mr. Blevins, he was beside himself … incredulous … and extremely animated in explaining how very serious he was that he could not reasonably be expected to golf behind a fivesome, that we must let his group go first and that we were not even funny! Steve of course considered the pleading and argument and proceeded to swat his drive down the middle followed by the other four of us, including one half of the glacial twins (Greg “Speedy Gonzales” Carlson). We waived goodbye to a furious Blevins and we never saw Mark or his group again during the round. We heard they were two full holes behind us starting about on number 3. Twilighters were crossing over in front of them and playing through to the dismay of the last hole gallery. For twenty minutes or more a cry of “Sorry Mark, sorry about that 5some thing…sorry Mark” was sent out upon the wafting wind from the last hole gallery…
Speaking of which

Honorable mention goes out to Greg. He noticed at the last hole gallery site that worker bees were continuously going in and out of a hole beneath a rock around which we were all sitting. Never mind the fact that they were completely ignoring us in mass as a steady stream went in..in..in..in..zzzzzzzz..then out..out..out..out..they seemed to annoy Greg who is not used to being so ignored. He therefore placed a golf ball into the opening they had been using for ingress and egress thereby satisfactorily preventing the continuation of the work as usual. Now they began to take notice of our presence and the last hole gallery scattered, which explains why he got only an honorable mention…nobody stayed to vote upon the reasonableness of the action.

August 12, 1999
A.O.T.D. - Bill Cape (2 weeks in a row!) Bill started "fluffing up" what he thought to be his ball (advancing it several yards down field). During this process, there were angry "high pitched" shouts of "THAT'S MY BALL!" from the women’s league that had been waiting patiently behind them until then. Bill checked and sure enough, his "Flying Lady" was a different number.
Honorable Mentions:
 The foursome of Rick Carlson, Steve Markunas, Bill Arsenault, and Mike Kennedy carded a total of "37" on the par 5, 5th hole.
 Bill Arsenault had a ten foot putt laying "10" on this same hole. He claimed to understand the "Double par plus one" max. rule, then struck his ball 3 feet.
 "Lockhead" Tom for callously congratulating Bill Cape on his coon skin cap divot.

August 5,1999
AOTD - Bill Cape. While Bill braggadociously proclaimed the health of his prostate (to all who would listen), he failed to mention an apparent optical ailment. His depth perception was questioned by opponents when it was noticed he continually lined up 2 yards past the tee box at every hole. Bill's propensity of begging for "10 foot gimmee putts" is well known (in fact, he purchased one last week for a round of beers). But I refuse to believe that even Bill would purposefully SHAVE 324 yards for the year in this fashion (check my math). However, he had an obligation to warn us of this disorder, rather than endangering himself and fellow Snappers. Now that we know, we can set down a "chalk line" to assist him. Keep the faith Bill…we're with you brother!

July 29, 1999
A.O.T.D. - Greg and I get a rare team win. The facts are not in dispute, so I will offer no defense. Greg loosened the strap to Dave Pillsbury's clubs (evidently out of frustration over our plummet in the standings). The clubs fell off the cart and I backed over them causing untold collateral damage to his bag, and snapping the club-head off a brand new $150 Tight Lie. Here are some reactions...
"That was the most heinous pre-meditated act of golf terrorism I've ever been associated with!"
LOU IORDANOU
"It was obvious. You could see it in their vacant stares. There was no remorse."
DAVE PILLSBURY
"I looked at Jerry and he had a crazy smile and 'dolls eyes' as he hit the accelerator"
GREG CARLSON
"Due to a miscalculation, league dues are an additional $10 per man this year."
JERRY CARLSON
"Nice job guys!!"
TOM VANDERPORT
"Do we even need to call a vote?"
DAVE WOLFENDEN
"It's all 'shit and grins' until someone breaks a club"
TROY GALLAGHER
"Victory will be like ashes in your mouth"
NIKITA KRUSCHEV (motto adopted by The Glacial Twins)

July 22, 1999
A.O.T.D. - Dave Markunas was in uncharted territory, sitting at a score of "42", 30 yards from the hole on #18. He must have been thinking "up and down for a 44!". His euphoria was short lived as he then proceeded to hit ball after ball into the creek in macabre fashion, invoking the "double par plus one" rule before crossing the bridge. Fellow Snappers shouted words of encouragement that inexplicably sent Dave into a rage, causing him to fire a slapshot into the gallery. Rick Bailey escaped serious injury when he deflected the shot with his wedding band (which he had just slipped back on his finger after the beer wench left). Sorry Dave, even though an apology was given, I figured you could use another golf ball!

July 15, 1999
A.O.T.D.- Undetermined (and not awarded to maintain the integrity of the award)
And now a word from your president, "Snapper"…
SNAPPER NOTE: LOU, TIMMY, and I would like to express our thanks and appreciation to the "last hole gallery" for their outpouring of support last week when we three encountered unspeakable bad luck drawing imperfect lies after what we each believed were respectable and safe approaches to mid-green. I was buried in deep sawgrass apparently windblown into a neat pile atop my ball. Lou's lie wasn't too bad…after he was able to determine which of the 3 or 4 dozen balls on the green was actually his. Timmy's mid-green hazard involved a strange accumulation of approximately the same number of empty beer cans. Again, thanks guys…we could not have putted out under these circumstances without you. Perhaps we could have a chance to finish before you sometime this year and give you the help you need to get home to the clubhouse.

June 24,1999
AOTD - Jerry Carlson (me). As League Secretary, I am responsible for the golf cards, stats, and weekly sheets, and keep all such important papers in my blue notebook that I am constantly clutching for safety (in the event of a terrorist attack). When it came to my attention from a phone conversation with Brookwood personnel that they were in possession of a folder labeled "Snappers", I assumed it was property of a different Snapper league. I knew I had MY book, and certainly my brother Rick wouldn't be irresponsible and careless with any important materials. Several weeks later when Rick (Treasurer) was in near panic over the loss of League financial documents, I informed him of this prior conversation. I was the unanimous choice. Rest assured, I will try to keep better track of Rick's personal belongings in the future!
Honorable Mentions: Lou Iordanou for politely excusing himself to piss on a tree. Bill and Dave, for failure to relinquish greenie stake to the winners in a reasonable amount of time.
* Those who stuck around last week witnessed a spectacular 48 yard wager winning circus deuce from Pillsbury, to defeat Iordanou! Dave launched the ball from the practice green, off the cart path, over the wood fence within inches of the target tee box marker!

June 17, 1999
AOTD - No winner 2 weeks in a row! However, were it not for a league by-law prohibiting non golfers from winning this award, the course ranger (Barney Fife?) would have won by a landslide. Aside from his constant hovering, he was pushing Pettegrew to speed play because he couldn't keep up with the "Glacial Twins".
Snapper Notes: The FNG's have possibly instilled a new Snapper tradition. Crowds are beginning to form behind the last green (safely secured behind trees) for the sole purpose of "encouraging" their fellow golfers as they attempt to complete their round. By the time the last group is putting, raucous applause can be heard beyond the empty bar and vacant grill area. Even more reason to fight for the first tee time!

June 3, 1999
A.O.T.D. - Greg "Goodnite!" Carlson wins due to his persistance. He was nominated for "Hair Mousse Overuse", and ignoring shouts of warning of an incoming ball while he stood focused at the tee prior to hitting a greenie winning shot on #8. The final straw was his assault on Dave Pillsbury that resulted in a broken chair leg. (yes, he drank a beer). The loud snap was originally feared to be Dave's sacroiliac.
Honorable Mentions: Greg's hair stylist. Tim Kachelski, for stacking chairs to serve as a booster seat for his diminutive frame. Jerry, for marking Rod's ball and throwing it to him, accidently hitting him in the elbow. I am accused of "firing" it "at" him with intent to maime.

May 27, 1999
A.O.T.D. - Mike "Hansel" Watson wins for leaving his golf clubs beside a tree to mark the location of his errant shot (nestled beneath the bough of a mighty pine on #17), so he could wander off to either relieve or fondle himself. Upon his return, he re"Gretel"ably could not find his clubs or ball!
Honorable Mentions: Steve Peltier, for failure to "unsheath". He carefully lined up his putt, plumb bobbed, read the break, addressed the ball, and THEN realized his putter cover was on. Greg Carlson, for failure to sheath his wedge shot from the rocky creek shoal, thereby gouging his expensive Vas. The shot hit the green in a spectacular fashion, making his four putt all the more painful.

May 20, 1999
A.O.T.D. - Tim Husted (Tom Vanderport narrowly avoided a split decision when fellow snappers decided Tom was relieved of culpability due to him being a mere passenger in the cart). It seems that Tim and Tom have long bragged about an 8 year record in which neither has lost a ball (although opponent John Lee stated several of their "finds" were highly suspicious). Sadly, both managed to crank their drives into the trees on hole#4, and were being eyed closely by opponents (John and Pat) who insisted on personally helping them maintain their "humble" streak. Tim repeatedly circled the cart in a meticulous 15 min. search, and wins the award for "SLOW PLAY". Many nominations for slow play have been forwarded over the years, but I believe this is the first Snapper group to be "hit into" by an impatient women's league!
Honorable Mention: Bill Cobb, for his choice of wardrobe. What color was that shirt anyway? Top Snapper guesses included Peach, Tangerine, Papaya, and "foreskin fleshtone".

May 13, 1999
A.O.T.D. - None awarded
Honorable Mentions: - Mark Blevins, for telephoning Snapper earlier in the day and declaring his advance intention to claim the first tee time. He made some feeble excuse regarding his wish to "present himself to some Boyscouts" later that night, and asked Snapper to force his opponents (and the previously scheduled "1st off") to go along with his plan…threatening to send a sub if he failed to acquiesce.
Also nominated was Rick Carlson, for breaking AOTD protocol by leaving a "tedious and boring" hand written nomination of Mark (above) to be read aloud after his departure. It brought the after golf party to a halt. Watches were looked at, and excuses were made.

May 6, 1999 "Lockhead Tom Vanderport" is the first recipient of the AOTD award in 1999. According to our sources, Dave Lawless asked Tom for advice on how to play a golf shot. He did so in a neighborly fashion and with complete humility. What better way to make Tom feel welcome on the first night of a new league? Tom's response? "Hit the ball 200 yards that way"... then mumbling in a mock sympathetic manner under his breath "If you can", deflating and humiliating Dave right through and including the Coffee Hole.

Honorable Mentions: Greg Carlson for carrying a thorn in his golf bag as an old injury souvenir, Mike Rehbein for breaking a league rule (prohibiting playing with the wildlife) by picking up a turtle and brandishing it like a weapon, and Rick Carlson and Steve Markunas for making a side wager bet to see who could chip closest to the woodchuck for a buck! ...Close!

Distinguished winners from 1998

5/14/98 Winner for week 1 was none other than yours truly. Apparently it was felt that I failed to yield the "right of way" to the giant tree at tee box #9 when I struck it with my driver on my follow through. It was decided by popluar vote (with one nay) that the placement of my tee was done with "willfull disregard" for club and limb. (I was unsuccessful with my "fruit of the poisonous tree" defense)

Honorable mentions:

*Dave Lawless...for vehemently disbelieving it was possible for someone to strike said tree...

*Me again...for littering the parking lot with golf sheets before the round

*Rick Carlson...for spending an inordinate amount of time looking for a lost cigar (that's why I smoke Swishers)

*Bill Cape...for not having the official league sanctioned tool box, rather, a cheap "knock-off" that gave up its beer so inefficiently, an incident with the beer girl was narrowly avoided.

*Guy Metzger(in abstentia)...Had Guy been here, we are quite certain he would have done something deserved of mention)

6/25/98 Greg wins for sheer volumn of nominations(3). Bill Cape was still visibly shaken by an incident in week 6 where he expected Greg to give him his 12 foot "gimmee putt" for a score of "10". This gesture of sportsmanship never came, even though the points had long since been decided. Greg also managed to launch my full beer out of the cart causing it to drain through his reckless pilotong. Lastly, Greg put himself under suspicion for his choice of shorts, and for giving an overly flowery desciption of a shot he was proud of.

Dis-Honorable Mentions:
*Rick C., for his failure to communicate our later tee time for week 6. He was at Big Bucks eating a thick steak and washing it down with ale whilst fellow Snappers were involved in parking lot fracases.

*Bill and Dave, for informing the league of their mutual "failure to void" the entire round.
*Tim K., for using explicatives to the lot boys,....AND
*Dave M., for erroneously apologizing (certain he was the source of the complaint).
*Steve M., for taking undue pride in the speed of his play (which consequently almost resulted in his partner being admitted to the ICU).

7/9/98 Wolf won by unanimous vote for erroneously "assuming" that his was the winning greenie shot. Dave was so arrogantly confident that his pathetically inferior Snapper brethren didn't stand a chance, he transferred the money to his wallet on his cart ride to the green. He also voiced wistful predictions of "sweepers".

7/16/98 AOTD award goes to Gary Fulgham for his "pre-round" lunch order. When the waitress asked him if he would like a "soup or salad" with his sandwich, Gary responded enthusiastically "YES!, a Super Salad sounds great!" However, Gary disputes ordering "buttered toast" when asked if he would like a "Bud or Strohs."

7/23/98 Week 11 award is a split between Dave Lawless and Bill Cape for their varying accounts of how their cart ended up ramming poor old defenseless Gary Fulgham's cart (a long time elderly league member). Bill was behind the wheel, but he would have us believe that Dave became impatient with Bill's safety precautions, resulting in Dave recklessly stepping on the accelerator and causing the crash. Dave's contention is that HE was concerned for the safety and well being of his partner when he gently engaged the pedal in an attempt to get the cart away from the front of the green and incoming shots. According to Dave, the situation became precarious when Bill became disoriented and viciously turned the wheel into poor old Mr. Fulgham's cart.

Other nominations include...
*Rick Carlson, for grooming goose shit with a rake on hole #6.
*Steve Peltier, for stacking goose shit around the back of the cup before his putt on #6.

7/30/98 Greg Carlson and Dave Lawless battled for the coveted AOTD award for week 12, but fellow Snappers found Greg's early form of Alzheimers slightly more severe. Greg arrived early to hit the range. He carefully loaded his clubs on a cart, jumped in a different cart and drove to the range. After ridiculing Dave for wearing sandals because he forgot his golf shoes, Greg realized he had no clubs. He proceeded to search the parking lot, assuming that they must have fallen off.

8/13/98 Dave Wolfenden won the AOTD award for week 14 for his "slip" on green #7, which caused substantial collateral damage to the tender grass. Tom has informed us that dues would be raised next year as a result.

8/24/97

Jerry Carlson (under protest). When the 3 men in our fivesome made a side bet for closest to the pin for $5, and Bernies' Visa was thrown out as collateral (directly in my path, mind you), I am accused of purposefully spiking said Visa like so much Swiss Cheese! Someone switched my soft spikes!!

****The rest of the 1997 writeups were lost in a disk format...sorry******

5/9/96

Guy is our first recipient of the "Asshole of the Day" award for 1996. Guy won by a majority vote for inserting his token into the range ball dispenser, pushed the button, then scrambled to retrieve all the balls (since he failed to secure a wire basket). I'm told Guy often pours his coffee on his desk at work, then looks for his mug! Honorable mention goes to Bill Cape. On the driving range, Bill shanked two 2X4's, then "got all" of the wire basket.

5/16/96

Greg earns an honorable mention when he offered the use of his "trouble club" to one of his opponents, who had the misfortune of a bad lie in tall rough. When the offer was politely declined, Greg persisted to espouse the virtues of his wonder club. Lest you be moved to tears at Gregs supposed unselfishness and sportsmanship, It is relevant to mention that this offer was made to Blevins, a known left handed golfer who has been with the league since its inception 8 years ago!

5/23/96

Congratulations goes out to Todd Johnson, who is a new daddy!!! Taylor Morgan was born May 15, weighing in at 6lbs 10 ounces. There was a nomination for AOTD for Todd not showing up to golf. However, it was made by a member whose wife calls the course on a regular basis.

5/30/96

Darrell wins (by executive decision/ sans vote) for allegedly attempting to gain advantage by intimidation over his opponents by ramming their golf cart on the first tee. Normally, I would applaud this strategy. However, I never saw the Beer girl again!!

6/13/96

Rick wins for taking it upon himself to play a form of "best ball" by stealing his opponents fairway drive, when he clearly hit his DEEP into the jungle. He seized the opportunity when said opponent was busy helping to locate Rick's drive in the woods. The fact that Rick was also playing a white sperical orb with lettering did not sway the clubhouse vote.

*honorable mention: Dave Isle made this a very close vote, when he stuck a par three green to win the greenie, but ended up chipping from off the green on shot #3!!

7/11/96

Kraig Webber, for changing golf partners more frequently than his briefs! This has nothing to do with Kraig's new partner Steve (Steve, are you still here?) In fact, aside from the fact he stole the greenie money, I have nothing agst him. Kraig is in clear violation of Snapper rule #10 (Carlson's reserve the right to make up rules as they go along). Besides, Kraig was seen desecrating the 18th flag on the fabled "Coffee Hole", just as Cape and Lawless were approaching!!

7/18/96

A.O.T.D. -Team 6 (enuff said?) Our very First team winner!! Bill and Dave presented a unique challenge to the clubhouse panel. They both lobbied very hard for each other with some pretty lame stories. While it was clear that Bill and Dave's disjointed oral presentation deserved the award, their motivation was questionable. Knowing full well that a golf ball will be awarded to the winner, coupled with humiliation and degradation, a compromise was reached. it was decided that they would win as a team. Furthurmore, to protect the integrity of the award, one golf ball split down the middle, will be awarded to team 6.

8/96

A.O.T.D. -(wk 14)Rick and Greg When questioning who scored the nine, each proceeded to launch into personal verbal assaults against each others ancestry. After a lengthy barrage of insults were hurled, it was discovered that their opponent, Guy Metzger, had erroneously (maliciously?) marked down the "9" in question. (1/2 ball each: due to ugliness of it all!!)

5/24/95

Rich Mather For attempted "Dandecide" off the 15th green. Rich claims he was attempting to decapitate a dandelion with a swift kick, but he caught a cleat in a root (dandelion root?) and twisted his knee.

Pop Quiz Question #1. Phil, upon seeing his partner in the fetal position clutching his knee...(circle one)
a) administered emergency first aid
b) picked Rich a bountiful bouquet
c) Howled with laughter

5/31/95 *Nice shooting Dave! I believe that your '34' is a league low. I average that many putts.

*Please people. I know there are pretty flowers and dandelions along the course, and you may be tempted to play with them. Try to refrain from this for safety reasons and to speed play. (ok Rich?)

*Dave Lawless enjoyed one of Michigan's natural wonders last week at hole #4. He enjoyed a breath taking view of the sprawling crevasse that runs along the right side of the fairway. If I had a nickel for every golf ball I've lost in that raging widow making river. Dave's partner Bill, kiddingly chided him to jump this canyon to retrieve an errant shot. Nice try Bill!

6/7/95

A.O.T.D.Close Calls:

*Greg took the day off because it was his wifes' birthday
*Rich, Phil, Gary, and Mark absconded with the greenie marker evidently out of sheer bitterness that none could hit the green.

*Rick. Lose the socks!!

6/14/95

A.O.T.D: My winning this coveted award was all a terrible mistake. It seems Markunas was discussing golf courses with the group, and mentioned "Atlas". I'm told I earned the AOTD award when I inquired if Atlas was in Lennon. What a travesty! When I heard "Atlas", I thought he meant the coney island, not the golf course. And any fool knows that Atlas Coney Island is on Corunna Rd., and if you take Corunna Rd. West, it will run through Lennon. Now do you see?

6/21/95

Snapper Notes:

* I was eavesdropping and overheard that Todd "Big Stick" Johnson is either "vying for faggots" or "flying to Vegas" this Friday. In any case, he's getting married. please take a moment to wish him and his future wife, and/or soul mate well.

* Also, Dave Lawless was overheard lying to a waitress that his then upcoming surgery was a "penal reduction" surgery. Sounds like a sex change to me.

* In the "amazing but true" category, last week was Greg's anniversary, and he actually golfed!! Congratulations Greg. That new found spine may help your game.

A.O.T.D.- .

*Dishonorable mention to Tod Johnson for shooting a "38" and not playing greenies. (I'm assuming here that he in fact hit one green.)

*Nomination for the nine names listed above, who collectively had 18 shots at a par three green and missed every time.

*Dave Lawless takes home the actual AOTD award for using his body to deflect an errant Jerred Kaupp slapshot. Dave does not win soley because he got hit by a ball. Dave wins because he evidently found it less embarrasing to pretend that he tried to be hit, than admit his reflexes failed him.

6-1-94

A.O.T.D.- Me (under protest). We are all familiar with the 17th green. With the leaves, sticks, stems, seeds, and other miscellaneous tree droppings, the green looks like a Chinese take out. I decided to clear a path between my ball and the hole by sweeping the debris aside. What was later inexplicably described as "malice of forethought," I propelled Steve Markunas' ball mark in an unknown direction, which set off a 5 minute search of the surrounding area. (Not a regular plastic mark, but a gold plated mark with his initials). The fact that I attempted to improve my putting line in the first place is probably sufficient to be AOTD. They don't call me Jerry "Roberto-hands of stone- no mas" Carlson for nothing.

6-8-94

A.O.T.D.- Greg Carlson, our most decorated 1993 recipient of this award returns with quantity, if not quality. choose one...

* For oozing a shoe in the mire, with a leap attempt not seen since before Bill Laimbeer's retirement.

* For soaking his coat while it was still in the 70's by using it to insulate the beer, then wearing it when the temperature dropped below freezing.

* For excitedly finding and taking a very large stone for his wife's flower/rock garden... sad.

Dishonorable mention goes to Bill Cape. It was learned after the official AOTD vote that, when questioned why he was marking his ball decidedly closer to the hole, Bill explained that it was common practice to take a flag sticks distance. (this was, of course, the par 3 greenie winner)

6-22-94

A.O.T.D.- Jim Walker...Who apparently had become jealous after watching his partner sweep this award week after week, distinguished himself first by lamenting "No offense Bill and Dave, but we ought to be beating the piss out of you guys!"...then insulted Bill Cape further by making him get out of his cart and actually putt his 12 foot "Gimme"...Entering the club house Jim then took on The Snapper for "Having the nerve to ask about payment"... I Know what you mean Jim, Dennis has alot of nerve asking for green fees EVERY WEEK!!

6-29-94

A.O.T.D.- Jerred "Wayne Newton" Kaupp, who arrived and played golf in dress clothes. It is still unclear whether Jerred rushed to the course from work (sans a casual change of clothes), or if he misread the schedule and thought it was formal night.

ANNOUNCEMENT: As you know, formal night is next week on July 6th. You may rent a tux if you desire, but a suitcoat is sufficient. A free sleeve of golf balls awarded to the snazziest snapper!!

Jerry's Corner: Jerred will receive a special golf sheet this week which will be the same as this sheet, less this message. Think we can get him again with the announcement

5/12/93

A.O.T.D. - Mike Rehbein wins the first coveted "asshole of the day", when he attempted to telepathically convey the surname of his brother's substitute. I grasped the score card and closed my eyes. Sweat poured down my brow, as my concentration intensified. While I could not identify who Mark M. was, I did sense something very interesting about that alleged birdie you scored Mike. (wink wink)

5-19-93

A.O.T.D. - Greg Carlson gets an honorable mention for this story he relayed to his foursome. Evidently, Greg became curious when he witnessed several minority workers in the shop wearing black baseball caps with a big purple "K" on the front. Wanting to appear sympathetic to civil rights causes, Greg inquired to one such group if the caps stood for "Malcolm K". When he was told that the hats were an advertising freebie from Kool cigarettes, he immediately assumed the fetal position.

5-26-93

A.O.T.D. - One possible nomination up for a vote. Mark Blevins was single handedly responsible for there being five foursomes on hole #4 last week when he southpawed one into the bog. While the league rules are silent about a time limit for looking for your ball, it is considered to be exorbitant if you can not keep up with Greg "Abe Vigoda" Carlson.

6-2-93

A.O.T.D. - Mark Blevins, for his vicious assault of a tar worker on hole #14. His shameless "casual water" defense (since the body is 90% water) applies only in the sense that he would not be expected to wedge the ball from his victims sternum. He also displayed a callous concern for "loss of yardage."

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: Victims' co-workers, for their continued feverish shoveling. If not for the "drop and roll" maneuver, there would have been a distinct bump in the cart path. Rick Carlson, for racing down the fairway with business cards thrust outwards. Jerry Carlson, for his initial hesitation of relinquishing ice from "the tool box" for emergency medical purposes. Bill Cape, for attempting to take up a collection to buy chili for fallen worker. Last but never least, Greg Carlson (who inadvertently caused this entire mess). It seems the workers had been taking brief time outs during the day, as groups teed off on #14. That is until Greg showed up and the work stoppage became too costly. Attention spans relaxed just in time for Mark "the assassin" Blevins.

6-23-93

Greenies winner: B. Cape (no, this is not a typo), M. Rehbein

A.O.T.D. - Bill Cape, for paying $240 (to date) towards the $220 total league dues.

Top Ten Reasons Why Bill Overpaid League Dues:

10) Considering himself to be a swarthy investor, Bill found out Rick was depositing league funds in an interest bearing checking account.

9) Not being a good 'numbers guy', Bill let the Carlsons' fill in his signed checks.

8) Being a good liberal and Clinton supporter, Cape felt that the Carlsons (league Gov't) know how to spend his money better than he.

7) One too many trips to the tool box

6) Feeling that he is being increasingly looked upon with disfavor, Bill is trying to guarantee his spot next year.

5) Considering himself to be a fair player, Bill felt compelled to pay for his extra fun (strokes).

4) Wants to create an impression of dementia, in the event the league is subpoenaed by his opponents in a law suite.

3) Wanted to compensate for all the soiled fancy white doilies

2) Paying early for his anticipated increase in insurance premiums to cover injured construction workers on the golf course.

1) Bill was heard mumbling, "I just want to be loved. Is there anything wrong with that?"

Jerry's Corner: It has come to my attention that Greg Carlson broke the "don't ask, don't tell" rule with regard to whiffs that was established by Jim 'Rodham' Whalen in the early years of our league. Remember, If you swing and miss, but do not smile, no one can prove it was not a waggle. However, if you smile, cuss, gesture, curl into the fetal position, or ask if it counts, then it does. Even if it costs you a point (Greg).

7-7-93

A.O.T.D. - Steve Markunas, for sinking his golf cart up to the wheel wells in mud on hole #3. "It's really not my fault," Steve exclaimed. "Tim didn't show up, and he's the navigationally gifted one."

7-14-93

A.O.T.D. - Greg Carlson , for Davey Allisoning his putter against the golf cart , after a put he was a little disappointed with. A close second was Jerry Carlson for whining, when he thought he was losing the illustrious duty of doing the gol sheets.

8-18-93

A.O.T.D. - Greg Carlson and Doyne Cason with a unanimous vote for their matching ensemble of white hot pants and greenish blouses. Sorry guys, but the odds that any one else would even be hiding these items in the back of their closets, (as in 'out of the closet') let alone wearing them on the same night by coincidence are just too astronomical to swallow. (I'm sorry, you people are sensitive to words like swallow). So congratulations, and remember. Next time you sashay up to the red tees, it's how you grip it that counts.

**Announcing the "name team #2" contest. Here are a few to get you started... The Teal Twosome, The Male Mints, The Pastel Hole in one's

6/3/92

Asshole of the day - Greg Carlson has the honor of being voted our first "official" asshole for allegedly announcing the point totals (at the top of his lungs) at the end of each hole. Since Greg and his partner Rick took all but 4 of the possible 22 points, Tigner and Prevost felt it was slightly in poor taste. Greg's feeble excuse of only "wanting to keep everyone informed" did not hold up to the vote. Honory mention goes to Jim Walker for attempting to play Tim Kachelski's ball (which happened to be in good position in the middle of the fairway). When it was brought to his attention that he was playing a white ball, not Tim's yellow ball, Jim muttered that he remembered it being a spherical orb. Jim was overheard telling someone in the parking lot, "I could have sworn I drove this Porsche to the course. I remember something about 4 wheels."

6-10-92

Asshol of the day - Team 2 splits this coveted award. (Does that make Bill and Jerry simply half-asses?) Jerry gets the nod for shunning his partners'spectacular green hitting drive on the 16th par 3. Bill had scored a 10 and a few 9's previously, and evidently expected Jerry to hoist him on his shoulders. Instead, as they approached the green, Jerry uttered in shock and disbelief, "is that your ball?" Bill earned his half of the award when, after searching fruitlessly for 10 minutes for a lost ball, decided to take a drop. Somehow he managed to hit his original ball with his drop. Bill's lame defense at this was "that is just a funny circumstance.It doesn't make me an asshole." The clubhouse committee felt that Bill had a point, and Bill was voted a "funny" asshole.

6-17-92

A.O.T.D. - Terry Tigner is our distinguished honoree for allegedly suggesting (before last weeks round) that he not count Gary Allis' score. Gary was subbing for Terry's partner, and evidently figured he stood a better chance of hogging points by doubling his score than taking his chances with Gary. League rules clearly state that doubling ones score is only done when a sub is not secured (there is no "pacer" ammendment). The irony was that, had Terry got his way, he would only have earned 6 points total (instead of the 11 points we forced on him.)

** I propose that we ammend league rules to forbid the practice of transporting "stool samples" whether it be for medical or personal reasons, your own sample or a family members, on the way to or from the golf course (unless it is kept within ones large intestine.)

6-24-92

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: Greg - Your wife called the pro shop and left word that we may be expecting rain again today, and you forgot your goulashes.

6/31/92

A.O.T.D. - n/a

Honorable Mentions...

*Greg carlson for asking pro shop to "hold my calls",and for asking Mark Blevins if he knew how to golf.

*Tim Webb for running over Tim Katchelskis foot with cart. (as if allowing only five points to Tim and Todd wasn't humiliating enough)

*Rick Carlson for spending ten minutes looking for an errant drive in chest high cat tails.

7-8-92

A.O.T.D. - n/a

This weeks tie breaker quiz... (choose one only) Greg is not golfing this week because...

A) his wife is worried that, with the rain and all, he might get a chill.

B) He has a doctors appointment for his monthly testosterone shot.

C) His daughter Rebecca's 4th birthday.

7-22-92

A.O.T.D. - Mike Hayden. It started out as a "good natured" wager between Greg Carlson, Barry Barkewitz, and Mike Hayden - But Hayden managed to soil the spirit of friendly betting. Evidently it was agreed that the one who shot the worst round was to buy the other two a "beer". Greg lost. (no surprize) However, Barry and Mike claimed they couldn't stay long enough to drink a beer. Barry agreed to collect his winnings next week. Mike, however, demanded he be paid in cash. When it was suggested Mike was cheap, Mike was outraged and denied it. It was parenthetically noted by a dining partner that Mike was spied surruptitiously counting his onion rings.

7-29-92

A.O.T.D. - Greg Carlson may have locked up the yearly honors for this category with last weeks 'bone head' play during a serious game of liars poker. Tim Kachelski started a round by calling a pair of aces. Jerry passed in order to "gather additional info." Rick passed because he thought that was humorous. Bill passed due to intoxication and was having difficulty focusing. When Greg decided to pass, we were aghast! was this some macabre, economic masochism? He couldn't possible hope Tim couldn't find two aces amongst 5 players with 8 numbers per bill, could he? We got our dollars back a few plays later when Greg called ten fours to out bid a pair of fours and lost. Bribery or stupidity, we'll never know for sure.

8-5-92

A.O.T.D. - n/a Honorable mentions for A.O.T.D. go to Todd Johnson and Terry Tigner for scoring "eagle's" the last two weeks, thereby forcing me to uglify my golf sheet.

P.S. - Bill and I enjoyed the overdue respect and attention we received for our outstanding golf last week. Bill thinks it was only because we knocked off Fulgham and Blevins, making for a tighter finish. (Bill is forever a cynic) However, I know that it is because we have finally bonded (in a manly way) and these feelings run deep.

6/26/91

While Mike Rehbein made a strong bid by racing to the porta-potty and delaying play for 20 minutes or so, Pete Diesel won this award in a landslide for his one-upsmanship of Tim Kachelski's claim of having shot a "quadruple bogey"...said Pete: "oh yeah! Well I shot a pentagonal- bogey!" Since one may argue you cannot win this award for bad golf, you can (and should) win it for mis-placed boasting! Way to go Pete!

6-12-91

A close vote saw Fulgham lose out with his feigned innocence while inquiring what his score was after knowingly defeating Wolf for best round of the day...He just had to hear Dave say it! Only someone more cold and calculating than Gary could possibly win out as asshole on this day, and Jerry Carlson pulled it off with his suggestion for unceremoniously kicking poor Pete out of the league. Jerry's first rebuttal: Sure I said it...but it wasn't golf night, so it doesn't count!

6-5-91

Greg "no-nads" Carlson for making a partial payment on his dues obligation with a check drawn on his wife's account. He considered defending himself by explaining that wife Teresa wouldn't allow him to have his name on the family checking account, but then thought better of it. Instead, he just chuckled and said that she'd never know that he wrote the pre-endorsed check for $10 over. Are you reading this Terry? Greg then tried to insist he should win double (for the extra golf ball) but the league declined because then he would have "two balls" and have to write his own checks!

5-29-91

Although John Rehbein made a run for it by going ten laps around the green with the flag stick in hand and a huge bee in hot pursuit...and Jerry weighed in with a self-nomination for bad golf...all agreed that Rick Carlson won hands down for going in to Best and asking Wolfenden to "pick something out for the little women." This was his wife's anniversary present. "By the way" said Rick, "what is this one...wood or paper?"

5-15-91

For "taddle-tailing" Steve Iamarino wins again. As usual, Steve had numerous nominations. He won for volunteering in front of the league that a private gentlemens agreement of a mulligan apiece had been reached with his opposition Rick and Jerry. Honorable mentions: Jim Walker, for tipping a full service gas station attendant for doing his windshield on the way to the course, and Mike Rehbein for pulling the pin for his opponent shooting from off the green.

uhhhhh.........lost it.

Week 5, 1989

A.O.T.D….none deserving

Honorable Mention: - However goes out to Harry Ferares, who although among the first group off the tee was the last to join us in the clubhouse (about 9:30 or so). It seems Harry had misplaced the protective head cover from his putter (a present to him) and would not consider leaving the course until he found it. Tithead Whalen, using his typical organizational and advocacy skills had the crowd worked to a frenzy when Harry finally came in for a well deserved beer clutching the trophy head cover in his raised fist. This, the fact of a successful search, we thought was Harry’s only defense to the nomination. Tithead had already established from his investigation that it was a definite rumor that the lost putter cover was a present from Harry’s wife. Harry resisted answering the question “where did you get this cover?”, but when finally forced to, confirmed it was a gift from a wife…Jim’s wife. Upon formal vote on the nomination with all members present who were not married or had never been married disqualified from voting by presidential mandate, Harry narrowly defeated the nomination.

Week 7, 1989

Pete Diesel (AGAIN)! Congratulations go out to Pete Diesel on his second such award. When Jerry Carlson arrived at the course about 6:15 his partner Snapper drove their golf cart all the way to the far North East corner of the parking lot to pick him up as everyone else was at the tee. Only one car (Pete’s) was parked further from the clubhouse. Jerry wondered aloud whether the owner really wanted his drivers side door left standing open with an expensive suit, several golf balls, cassette tapes and other personal belongings in full view. After investigating, Snapper determined it was ok since Pete had taken the time to roll up all the windows and lock all the doors but Jerry closed the door for him anyway. Nice going Pete!

Honorable Mention: - Dave Markunas who was observed jogging from the number 2 tee to his car empty handed and then back again with his putter under his arm. He did deny putting out on number 1 with his wedge. Dave then got a second nomination when brother Steve pointed out that once again, for the third consecutive week Dave had no business being on the front nine when scheduled on the back, let alone going off first. Opponent Kip Gallaway assumed responsibility once it was explained that the pairings and schedule were always at the bottom of the weekly hand out; Kip thought that was neat though he admitted he never read the damn thing.

Week 11, 1989

Chuck Fenner an easy winner. Looking for a nice practice round, Steve and Tim decided to go to Tyrone over the weekend. When we arrived, several employees of the course asked “who’s that asshole that’s in first place on your league?” After several key questions it was explained that Chuck was here bragging about how easy our league is, and what a bunch of chumps we are. But, from what we could ascertain he never used the words "“shitty golfers.” When this was brought to Chuck’s attention there was no denial, no remorse, rather a sense of pride. So far the laugh is on us, look at the standings.

Week 12, 1989

Jim Walker for belly bog breathing. Our president, Tithead Whalen, witnessed Jim’s valiant and fearless attempt to recover a golf ball he never owned which some poor sap had apparently foolishly abandoned only a few feet into a mushy bog area. Jim drove in after it, failing not only to get the ball, but also failing to get the cart out under its own power. Jim deboarded the cart and attempted the manual “push from behind” technique. The cart moved…Jim’s feet didn’t. Lying face down in the bog I think Jim knew he had won the award. Honorable Mentions: Dave Pillsbury narrowly escaped winning his first A.O.T.D. award. Dave somehow left a few clubs at #6 green. Returning for them in reverse, Dave apparently misjudged the distance he had to traverse without them…by about 3 feet. He backed right over them. And Tim Kachelski was accused of “baiting the bog” which was Jim’s temptation.

Week 13, 1989

Assholes Of The Day: Chuck Fenner and Pat Pettigrew for conspiracy to defraud the league of points. Each co-conspirator will be awarded an entire AOTD credit of his own. Chuck and Pat, as anyone who has come within 50 yards of them the last several weeks knows (eg: friends, mere acquaintances, and strangers alike) are in first place in our league. Last week they were found guilty of intentionally manipulating our forfeit rule in an attempt to receive the maximum 22 points without matching their scores against any card. To do this took great patience on their part, waiting until 6:45 PM in the misting rain while a prior league backlog on the back 9 cleared, and then going off the back nine even though they were the only league members to do so (ergo there would be no card to match). Evidence was submitted by Pete Diesel, Jim Walker, and Greg Carlson that Chuck proudly (if not intelligently) acknowledged his intention while choosing the back and declining an offer to golf the front. When told that a back 9 card from the previous week would be selected for matching purposes, Pat was heard to mumble…”I knew it Chuck…I knew we were gonna be F..’D”. Good work guys.

Week 15, 1989:

Again, no such award was given. However, an honorable mention goes out to Tom Connolly for accurately placing his 3-wood shot from #9 fairway pin high just off the green to the left. What made the shot worthy of note was not that it was but his 2nd stroke on this par 5, but that he chose to use the gas cart of the foursome ahead of him as insurance against running too far beyond the green. His ball landed in the footrest compartment and hopped up onto the passenger seat where it came to rest. Much to the surprise and disappointment of Jim Walker and Pete Diesel who had stayed around to witness TAC’s club selection and swing from this unfortunate lie, Tom chose a free drop from this man made obstacle; apparently a move that never occurred to them. Also noteworthy, Chuck and Pat were the beneficiaries of yet another forfeit. The ensuing blind draw left them matching hole by hole scores against Harry Ferares golfing alone as an injured Dave Markunas stayed home. Harry made a valiant effort, but not enough to keep Chuck and Pat from, shall we say “politely smiling”….It was also suggested that a small claims action against Mike Yuille for unpaid dues would be possible and…someone else responded that maybe we should simply assign the right to such action to Chuck and Pat in lieu of 1st place prize money…all in favor say Aye.

Week 16, 1989

Pete Diesel for…well, for grossly misinterpreting our rules. Just prior to leaving his office for golf, Pete reached into a box of 5,000 personalized tees his firm had purchased for it’s annual Smith & Brooker Invitational client golf outing at Bay Valley. Pete came out with an assortment of colors (e.g. pink, blue, green, yellow, red, etc.) and immediately perceived his dilemma. He commented to Connolly that most of these tees were illegal in our league. When asked to elaborate, Pete in apparent total sincerity insisted that he had read a rule of our league specifically on point. Sure enough, Connolly could not dispute the written word when Pete showed him the rule “We play white tees.” Pete’s nomination was unanimous as Tithead Whalen called the roll between uncontrollable guffaws simply by asking “is anyone opposed?” Rather than standing mute and allowing a plea of nolo contendre to be entered for him (as is our practice in such inquisitions) Pete was heard to retort “I really do have an entire bag full of white tees.”

Point Of Order Mr. President – Did Pete win 2 asshole awards last week or only one with an honorable mention? The nomination I am unclear on was during our discussion of whether to have a 2 man best ball or 4 man scramble format for our year end outing and Pete was heard to contribute his own personal opinion: “Four men against Two isn’t fair is it?”

8/24/88

Dave Markunas - For suggesting the rule that all dues must be paid by the half way point. For him not complying with the rule but still demanding a treasurers report on delinquent dues. For the statement during one of our meetings "A rule is a rule".

8-17-88

Steve Markunas - It wasn't bad enough that the bartender (Kim) demanded an apology from Steve for her mistake. She then had to get him this prestigious award by putting his name below the sign that reads "no spikes". Steve being an innocent bystander got abused again.

8-10-88

Dave Markunas. On week #14 the secretary was unable to attend, this left noone to talley up the scores at the end of the night. Dave, half volunteering, half being told to do so, gave it a shot. Oh what a shot. Dave being the stockbroker that he is (always working with numbers), should have no problem. Well the totals were done and Dave had a remarkable 25% accuracy rating. Nice intentions, bad math.

8-3-88

None deserving, so none awarded to maintain the integrity of the award. Honorable mention: Steve Markunas (secretary) for misspelling Mr. Schafer's last name for the previous 13 weeks. Rick Carlson, for extremely slow play on #9 after forgetting we now have grass and hitting his normal tee shot to the left rough; lost his yellow ball in the deep grass under the yellow delicious apple trees.

7-27-88

Tim Kachelski for using a tee to mark his ball on the green. Tim's ball was a foot and a half to the right side of the hole. Tim checked his pockets and could not find a mark, well to speed things up, Tim used his tee. Steve was first, he had a putt that should break away from Tim's tee and only break about six inches leaving lots of room. Well he hit Tim's mark much to the dismay of Mr. Iamarino. Steve Iamarino claimed foul and demanded a 2 stroke penalty to the dismay of the others. The incident was then discussed and the vote taken.

7-20-88

Mike Yuille for bad mouthing opponents. We all know Mike is a good golfer, but does this give him the right to call his opponents "shitty golfers"? Well Mr. Markunas and Mr. Kachelski think not. Mikes team was ahead on #5 by a score of 3 to 7 when the tragic comment was made. Steve and Tim rallied behind the comment and won the next four holes and the round 14 to 8. Mr. Yuille then decided that he could not come inside to discuss the matter further.

7-13-88

Mike Romanowski for "sub stealing". Mike's partner, Kevin Gill, was asked by Dave Markunas to get him a sub. Kevin did this. Kevin then discovered he had to be absent and he informed his partner Mike who assured him that he would get a sub for him. However, Mike's sub didn't show, but Kevin's sub for Dave did. Dave's partner, Harry, was late as usual and Mike apparently decided that Harry and Dave should forfeit the match points for subless play instead of him. He introduced himself to Dave's sub saying, "you're a friend of Kevins? Let's go..." Mike's quick thinking was unanimously voted deserving of our weekly asshole honor. Honorable mention: Steve Markunas for boldly and unsuccessfully attempting to play his ball from an unplayable lie. Steve found his ball on the very edge of one of the few remaining bodies of water in mid Michigan. He carefully positioned his feet in preparation for an anticipated miracle shot, one foot on the bank, the other IN the pond. He swung hard and missed the ball, but hit the bank sufficient to propel the remainder of his body below the waistline into the pond. Refreshing Steve?

7-6-88

Two winners - The Markunas brothers, Dave and Steve each distinguished themselves. Dave won for formally requesting a treasurer's report on week 9 while he knew, or should have known that the same would reveal that he himself was one of the few members still having an outstanding unpaid dues arrearage. While not the only member with an arrearage, no others in the position requested the inculpating evidence. Dave, a self proclaimed strict rules constructionist often heard to proclaim "a rule is a rule" should have been aware of rule #5 resolved on week 2 that..."all dues WILL be paid by midseason". Steve Markunas - In need of a sub for his partner on position night, Steve foolishly asked Carlson, his opposition to secure the sub, (Whale's brother, who has an established average Steve felt he could beat). Steve, our secretary, knows this and is the only member to know this because Steve has continuously refused several suggestions for a published list of subs. In the stockbroker industry the secretary labels this "profit by trading on insider information." For our purposes an asshole label will serve in place of criminal sanctions. Carlson attempted in vain to secure a sub that could best be able to beat his own team, making 16 attempts. Honorable mention - Rick Carlson was nominated by Steve for making the 16 calls; Dave supported this, but the league disagreed. Other Business: Motion to make Don's Lakeside Bar an after golf league bar. Discussion Re: Reputation for rapes, muggings, and vandalism. Motion tabled for further investigation.

6-29-88

James Whalen, president & titular head of our league. Recall "Tithead" received our first asshole of the day award when his wife phoned him at the course several times? This time she found her way to the course and brought his daughter. Play was interrupted at the 15th tee when Jim's daughter arrived on foot requesting money. She was paid $4o to leave and was escorted by golf cart back to the parking lot. Jim's opposition waited patientlyin mid-fairway having no idea where the hell he was. Jim, a divorce attorney by trade, meanwhile was rediscovering the practical meaning of "joint marital assets". His wife tossed him the keys to the clunker and sped off with Jim's daughter, his money, and his brand new Mazda RX7.

6-22-88

Snapper Carlson - for making our league stand out. Upon arriving early, Dennis (the pro) and three other golfers (not on our league) were wondring how Snapper was. Two of the guys could barely stop laughing.

6-15-88

Rick (Forevermore to be known as "Snapper") Carlson. Rick, being the educated man that he is was trying to answer the question "How can you tell that's a snapping turtle?" Rick very scientifically reached for a tee and began to poke at the turtles nose. After several unsuccessful attempts the turtle finally reacted. Rick reacted very shortly thereafter by wiping the blood from his thumb.

6-8-88

No winner. Honorable mention: Carlson and Connolly for their skillful driving (cars) and masterful point total. They both drove from Saginaw (I bet neither drove the speed limit) not wanting to give up the 22 points on a forfeit. The team could only manage 1 point.

6-1-88

Harry Ferares - While on #18 (right in front of the clubhouse) Harry decided to test the four wheel drive capability of the golf cart. He parked the cart in the sand trap (thinking it was just whiter than normal ground). This pleased the golf course staff very much.

5-25-88

Ricky Carlson - Late for tee time - practicing long drives at the range - mishit first 5 drives - drove the green on 277 yd. par 4 hole #6 - refused to leave 18 ft. eagle putt short - refused to leave 15 ft. birdie putt long - missed 8 ft. par putt - finally accepted opponents pity offer of long gimmee putt for 4 putt bogey.

5-18-88

honorable mentions:

Tim Kachelski searched for drive 350 yards from tee.

Kevin Gill - landed O.B. atop another ball

Mark Blevins - several tree caroms

Rick Carlson - Drove into woods - then drove provisional into the woods.

5-11-88

Steve Markunas - challenged opponent on a par 3 $1.00 for closest to the pin. Delighted and gloated "this is like taking candy from a baby" when opponent drove 15 yards. Then drove his own ball 13 yards.

5-4-88

Jim Whalen - Wife telephoned course twice looking for him. Honorable mention: Steve Markunas - For vainly searching for a lost 2- iron he has never owned.