[Current Golf Sheet]*Most recently updated anyway.

[2016 YTD scores]

[2016 YEAR-END OUTING INFO]

two short weeks to go and we have a virtual dead heat
WK16 UPDATE: August 18, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: August 23, 2016)
YEAR END OUTING SET: SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 11, 2016 9am shotgun Solitude Links near Port Huron (former Fore Lakes)

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Herb Green "38"
Low Net: Herb Green & Jamie Leece "34"
Greenies: Don Savoie & Jamie Leece
Team Skin: Timmy K doubled his single score and drew the right hole for a $90 carry over payout
5-Hole: ???????
AOTD: None deserving…none awarded
Jamie's scratch skins paid $12.50 each to Coop ( 2 of em), Lenny and Brah

So two short weeks to go and we have a virtual dead heat with Jamie & Herb and Cooper & Harrison both with 194 points and Chris and Dave right in their shadow drafting them at 192. yes Brah & Justin you got a shot but as I said……just 2 weeks to go………. PICKTCHAS ANYBODY?????? Lets update the website team pictures the next two weeks……Jerry… Chris take some when you see a good team shot.

JOKE OF THE WEEK:
"A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.

A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"

Don't forget…we make up teams for the year end in advance…if you can't come…tell us…looks like our hunters Kenny & Kulha won't be there….anybody else?????

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

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WHO IS IN 1ST PLACE???? Who wants to be ????
WK15 UPDATE: August 11, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: August 17, 2016)
YEAR END OUTING SET: SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 11, 2016 9am shotgun Solitude Links near Port Huron (former Fore Lakes)

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Tim Kachelski & Dave Wolfenden "40"
Low Net: Don Savoie "33"
Greenies: Erik Stanley & Jim Kulha
Team Skin: Nope…not tonight…carry over
5-Hole: ???????
Jamie's scratch skins paid $12.50 each to Coop ( 2 of em), Lenny and Brah

Birdies? There were 6 of em mostly from the usual suspects…2 for Coop ..1 each from Jamie, Scott Gregory, Erik Stanley & sub Lenny Carrette

AOTD NAKED DAVE MITTEER who put a new twist on two prior aotds (Chris Carlson's 4 iron fakeout from years ago) and (Jim Kulha's "what # RAM you playin" from this year)…..still there was adequate imagination put into this one to cause Dave to be declared weekly asshole of the day…..It is said that Justin Albright was a perfect gentleman while he was playing good golf but then a single misshit sent him into a rage which he could not stifle until he saw that the guilty golf club which had failed him and was helicoptered as far as Justin (an apparent wannabe combination Olympic discus/javelin thrower) could manage ….and the club sank to a disappeared level beneath the tall grass nowhere to be found after a 20 minute delay or so…when to the rescue came bird dog Nakes….but "not so fast mister" said Dave as he examined the club……"what club were you playin?"…he not so innocently inquired…

Dishonorable Mention To Justin for the poor club throw..gotta work on keeping it inbounds to be an effective temper tantrum….

Dishonorable mention also to Justin & Erik…who having a fabulous round and apparently taking down their rivals and tightening the race….when…OH NO…NOT A RAINOUT…they single handedly circled back and shepherded the matches behind them to all finish so that their round would be counted…

So congrats to all award winnas mentioned above…and also how bout a shoutout to the schedule maker….this innocent enough appearing non position round week of matchups with two and only two teams seemingly still in contention to win the league resulted in a furious bloodbath….now that it is over with a mere 3 weeks left (including the last week position round) we have fully half the league still with a reasonable chance to win (6 teams within 24 pts of the top……..and moat exciting we now find the top 4 teams leaders COOP/Harrison…followed by CMo/Nakes, Jamie/Herb & newbies Erik/Justin all within only 7 points of each other………..

¾ of the league is now averaging under "50" for nine holes and ½ of these (9) are averaging under "45" for the year.. Don't forget…we make up teams for the year end in advance…if you can't come…tell us…looks like our hunters Kenny & Kulha won't be there….anybody else?????

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

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The Tale of Timmy and the Grey Fox
WK14 UPDATE: August 4, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: August 9, 2016)
HAS ANYBODY SEEN GRANDMA KACHELSKI'S COOTER HAIRS?????????
(that is …other than Timmy?)

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Cooper & Leece "40"
Low Net: Dave Lawless "31"
Greenies: Larry Cooper & Chris Carlson
Team Skin: Eric Stanley & Justin Albright - carry over $90 (again)
5-Hole: Rick Carlson
Jamie's scratch skins don't know probably Herb with the only birdie of the guys that play scratch

Welcome to the birdie club DAVE LAWLESS…..and then there were 4 Snappers looking for their 1st birdie…Jerry Carlson…Ken Hochstein…Bill Cape and Timmy Kachelski……..who will break out of this birdieless funk 1st?????????? stay tuned…

AOTD - TIMMY KACHELSKI for well there is just no other way to put it…Timmy wins for inadvertently admitting his youthful indiscretions at Grandma's house…..come on TIM…she musta said "don't tell anyone"…???? …So there we were playing a preleague sixsome when a slight breeze freshened and blew this blob of whitish grey fuzzy stuff across the green…it coulda been milkweed…or maybe thistle seeds or even a late leftover from one of those God Awful Cottonwood trees…5 of us would of thought as much until Little Timmy K pipes up spontaneously with the observation: "Hey that looks like Grandma's cooter hairs"……funny right? Everybody laughed until yours truly inquired: "So Tim…exactly how is it that you know what your grandma's cooter hairs look like?""" ….to which Tim had no response but to silently blush to a deep scarlet color matching his OSU shirt…

BEER BABE OF THE WEEK UPDATE: KATIE who had a story brutha Jerry may tell but for now we honor you KATIE. (EDITOR'S NOTE: She cracked her skull on the corner of the beer cart roof in her haste to beer me up) You are our Majestic Beer Babe of the week.

Four weeks to go including a final week position round…we got a tie at the top with Coop/Tommy battling CMO & Nakes….Peaches n Cream within striking distance.

How bout those greens everybody liked to bitch about the last couple of years???getting better every week…we have 64 birdies and only 4 guys without one…that cannot happen on bad greens…

Greenies..Half the League has all of the greenies…how bout that??? Get em while you can…and Erik & Justin are skinning us alive with good combined holes and timely favorable blind hole draws..

YEAR END OUTING SET: SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 11, 2016 9am shotgun Solitude Links near Port Huron (former Fore Lakes)…If you cannot go you must tell us so we can make honest fair teams..

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

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Herb Shoots Par Despite Second-Hand Psychedelic Smoke!
WK13 UPDATE: July 28, 2016 By: DaBlade (POSTED: July 30, 2016)
THIS DAY IN SNAPPER HISTORY: 8/5/99 While Bill braggadociously proclaimed the health of his prostate (to all who would listen), he failed to mention an apparent optical ailment. His depth perception was questioned by opponents when it was noticed he continually lined up 2 yards past the tee box at every hole. Bill's propensity of begging for "10 foot gimmee putts" is well known ... But I refuse to believe that even Bill would purposefully SHAVE 324 yards for the year in this fashion (check my math). However, he had an obligation to warn us of this disorder, rather than endangering himself and fellow Snappers. Now that we know, we can set down a "chalk line" to assist him. Keep the faith Bill…we're with you brother!

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Herb Green "36"
Low Net: Herb Green "32"
Greenies: Herbie Greenie & Justin Albright
Team Skin: Carlson/Bailey
5-Hole: uhhhh… Herb? Yep, Herb
Jamie's scratch skins Larry Cooper sweeps for $50.

Birdie Tally: Paul Oginsky notches his first of the year, while Herb (3), Coop (2), Jason C (1), Erik (1), Justin (1)add to their personal totals. Nice shooting!

AOTD Winner: First, the Dishonorable mentions:
1) Erik and Justin witnessed Naked Dave's soft porn sand trap creations sculpted with just his wedge, but apparently the womanly mounds and valley were tastefully done and uplifted the female form rather than demeaning it.
2) Bill Cape, for taking numerous and repeated "practice" swings from the tall grass in proximity to where his ball lay in the rough - so many in fact, that by the time he was ready to hit his shot - the ball was coincidentally no longer surrounded by tall grass, but a massacre of dead fall.
3) Team Stanley/Albright and Peltier/Oginsky for being the first group off and not one of them getting the greenie markers.
4) The ancient and toothless Honduran woman who hand-wrapped the LEAF by Oscar cigar that Bailey gave me to smoke, as I'm pretty sure she slipped in some of those magic mushrooms featured from last week.

(pro tip: apparently these cigars are best when the large tobacco sheathing is removed first prior to igniting)

And the winner is: Jerry Carlson, but not for handing out the wrong color-coded score cards for a different nine holes and confusing the other 23 league members *(none of which seemed to notice for a full 3 holes), nor for his role in failure to remind the first group to grab the greenie markers (or otherwise run the league in a smooth and orderly fashion in Snapper's absence) - No, no. I won for OVERZEALOUS AND PREMATURE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCT. After completing the 17th hole (and aforementioned cigar loaded with some kind of psychedelics) I vigorously shook Herb's and Jamie's hands, telling them how much I enjoyed golfing with them as we walked off the green. I then tried to insist we park our carts just off the green to watch the rest of the league complete the hole (did I mention this was the 17th?), but the rest of the group thought it best if we played the last hole first. The hand shake after 18 was awkward and not as enthusiastic.

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

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C-Money Fails to win Either of the Greenies - League Members Worry: What Has Happened to His Game?
WK12 UPDATE: July 21, 2016 By: DaBlade (POSTED: July 24, 2016)
THIS DAY IN SNAPPER HISTORY: 7/16/98, AOTD award goes to Gary Fulgham for his "pre-round" lunch order. When the waitress asked him if he would like a "soup or salad" with his sandwich, Gary responded enthusiastically "YES!, a Super Salad sounds great!" However, Gary disputes ordering "buttered toast" when asked if he would like a "Bud or Strohs."

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Chris Carlson "37"
Low Net: Chris Carlson "30"
Greenies: Chris Carl... No, NOT Chris? Justin Albright & Lenny (sub)
Team Skin: 3 week carry over
5-Hole: Chris Carlson
Jamie's scratch skins Chris (2), Justin (1) and Herb (1) for $13 smackers each.

Birdie Tally: Chris "C-Money" had 50% of the league night birds with a total of 3, while Herb, Tom and Justin each carded one for the night. Nice shooting!

AOTD Winner: First, the Dishonorable mention, and close runner-up.
Boob was nominated by his partner, Tim, for skipping golf "for the fourth time since he's been married!" Timmy (who has had the most number of golf partners in Snapper League history) was overheard actively recruiting Bill Cape - since Bill's partner, Dave, had missed again - but Timmy prefaced it by stating, "only if Dave's health were to take a turn for the worse." Query, Did Tony Do miss more golf than Boob?

And the winner is: Jim Kuhla wins his 3rd season AOTD award, this time for POSITION ROUND ATTENTION DEFICIT, as his golf attention span was apparently interupted repeatedly during the round so he could admire various flora and fungi. "Is that a wild field of soy beans!," said Bill, mockingly impersonating Jim. Cape and Lawless are in a battle with Kuhla and Hochstein for 11th and 12th place in this 12 team league, so the average Snapper was shocked at the lack of competitiveness exhibited by Jim when Bill said, "Show them the picture of the mushrooms."

"They're Golden Shantrells," explained Jim, while holding up his phone to display this picture he had taken during the round - and as if this evidence would completely exonerate him from further scorn. Instead, the vote was instantly unanimous.

In other News:
(via email and coutesy of Shang) Erik gets carded by beer babe Jessica who told us about a sting operation selling alcohol to minors. I figured Ricky was using his police buddies to drum up business. It didn't help when Eric asked "what kind of brown stuff do you have?" either.

(Per Snapper) An instructional visual aid for Timmy Kachelski. Eric The Brah is shown here in a step by step enactment of a purchase of alcoholic beverage on a golf course. First you get the attention of the beer babe driving the beer cart. Then you approach her and tell her what alcoholic beverage you desire to consumme while golfing (Brah is requesting liquor in this picture as he was in the process of getting his ass kicked by Shang. But yes, Tim, it works for barley malt beverages as well. Then you give her money and she gives you your beverage. You tip her... how much????... that's up to you. Do you want to see her again soon or not?????.... This is how it works for most of the golfing world Tim. It is what the beer babes are there for. Got it????? I didn't think so. Yes this is the same beer babe who approached you on the course asking if you needed anything, pretending not to notice the long neck non course approved bottle of Sierra Nevada in your left hand and the melting ice water dripping from the bottom pocket of your golf bag... and you said "Im good. By the way, what exactly is your job here?"

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

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Snapper Golf - Losing weight while breaking rules
WK11 UPDATE: July 14, 2016 By: DaBlade (POSTED: July 16, 2016)
THIS DAY IN SNAPPER HISTORY (the year 2000) "At the request of several members of the ladies league, Greg and I played the last hole shirtless, displaying our glistening and rippling abs." - Glacial Twins

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Mike Romo (Rick's Ringer) "36"
Low Net: Steve Peltier "29"
Greenies: Steve "Shang" Peltier & Chris Carlson
Team Skin: Carry over push
5-Hole: Darren Bentley
Jamie's scratch skins Justin and Romo each took hame the money.

Darren Bentley, Larry Cooper, Scott Gregory, Erik Stanley and Justin Albright all added to there birdie totals with an additional one for each. Nice shooting!

AOTD Winner:No clear winner, but we do have a few dishonorable mentions.
1) When the floor opened for nominations, Timmy K jumped to the forefront and prefaced his nomination by reminding everyone that he typically arrived to the course "just in time" from work. "Everyone knows that I practice putt on the first green," explained Tim, "but I never putt towards the hole!" Darren Bentley took exception when Timmy started in with the practice putt by belligerantly putting his hands on his hips and shouting, "WTF do you think you are doing?" whereby Tim offered to break an additional rule by suspending the round in order to use the official practice green while they waited for him. When Tim concluded with his story, it was unclear to me whether Tim was nominating Darren or in fact himself and admitting to breaking Snapper League Rule #1 (USGA rules except as modified herein;) as no rule explicitely allows for practice putts during a live round.

2) Bill Cape nominated his partner Dave for missing golf due to a scheduled Friday colonoscopy and the obligatory pre-day "prep work". Many agreed that Dave could have brought his "jungle juice" to golf with him, and it woyuldn't have been the first time a Snapper was called a shitty golfer. Quite literally the "AOTD".

3) Bill also nominated Snapper (and partner, Don Savoie), for missing golf and sending two ringers from Jamie's bowling league. Rumor had it that Rick skipped Snapper golf in order to play golf with other golfers who were not Snapper golfers at the hoity toity Flint Golf Club. This snub, according to Cape, was a way worse infraction than electing to miss golf in order to have a giant metal snake inserted into one's rectum.

Ironically, by Team 1 sending two ringers on the same night so they could play golf elsewhere and/or go fishing (The ringers shot a 36 and a 42), they were invoking Special Rule 5a, a/k/a the "Cowan/Peltier Revision" allowing for this double no-show. By sending a sub who shot a 36, this robbed Steve Peltier (of the Special Rule 5a fame) the glory of the weekly low round, as he was second with a round of 37. This would have awarded Peltier with an extra golf ball at the year-end banquet. (sweet justice - bitten by his own special rule). However, Shang is entitled to demand a free beer from Snapper pursuant to this same rule, so really there are no losers here.

Speaking of beer...
According to a random site I stumbled upon while googling, "Can You Lose Weight Playing Golf?", the average male scratch golfer burns .35 calories per full golf swing, while the 13 handicap male golfer burns .26 calories. The reason for this variance is due to the false assumption that scratch golfers are more apt to be "well conditioned athletes" than the high handicappers, which is certainly not the case in the Snapper league. Therefore, for our purposes we will just assume every Snapper burns approximately .3 calories per golf swing.

Through last week's round, the league average is 47.96. Unfortuately, we do not have a breakdown for the average number of putts per round, nor the percentage of "putts" that were actually the results of successful "pic, pic" negotiations. However, we can all agree that a high percentage of Snapper putts require full swings, and even pic pics require a certain amount of aerobic excercises like jiggling pocket change while standing over a suspect putt or wild hand gestures during negotiations - all activities that burn calories equivalent to full swings.

Therefore, for my generous purposes, let's just use the full 47.96 strokes per round, multiplied by the .3 calories per full swing to get a result of 14.388 calories burned per round.

Now, the argument can be made that you will burn more calories by walking a course rather than using a cart. However, golf is supposed to be fun, so we use carts. By the way, one can of beer contains 154 calories, requiring almost 11 full weeks of Snapper golf league play to burn away the calories from that one can of beer.

What about for the entire season? If you drink 5 cans of beer per week during this 18-week schedule, then:

CALORIES IN
5 cans of beer x 18 weeks = 90 cans of beer
90 cans x 154 calories per can = 13,860 calories

CALORIES OUT
14.388 calories burned per week x 18 weeks = 259 calories burned!
NET = +13,501 calories

I would argue that you'd be drinking the beer anyways.

There, now don't you feel thinner?

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

YOU MISSED ME! YOU'RE GETTING CLOSER!
WK10 UPDATE: July 7, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: July 12, 2016)
"Anybody want to bet me I can’t par in with a 7-iron?" - Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Justin Albright, Larry Cooper, Herb Green "42"
Low Net: Matt Murany "33"
Greenies: Steve Stearns (sub I think) & Bob Baughman (I think)
Team Skin: Carry over push
5-Hole: Justin Albright
Jamie's scratch skins paid $18 each to Scott Gregory, Dave Mitteer and Larry Cooper. Welcome to the birdie club Nakes... and then there were 7 Snappers looking for their 1st birdie

AOTD Winner: Dishonerable mention to the last group to finish comprised of Larry Cooper, Tommy Harrison, Boob Baumann and of course Little Timmy K. There was a purported greenie marker sheet turned in for the 1st par 3 they say had sub steve stearns name written on it - totally illegible and soaking wet apparently dipped in the lake, wrung out as if it were a hand towel and placed in TK's back pocket. It looked very much like a number of Tims scorecards turned in over the years. The 2nd greenie marker sheet? Not turned in at all, but that's ok because Tim claimed the money for his partner Boob who had already left and Tim insisted on taking his money for him wink wink.

BEER BABE OF THE WEEK UPDATE: EMMA. Remember Emma? When we last saw Emma she was recovering from multiple injuries bestowed upon her by Matt Murany we castigated in writing in these very Snapper Bites. Matt, how could you hit a beer babe with your golf shot? Ill tell ya how. Emma don't duck, that's how. Sitting at the #9 tee preleague ready to tee off, there we were. Chris addressed the ball and a beer cart appeared from nowhere sped immediately up to the landing area distance on the right (where all the balls seem to filter on the hole) and stopped. We waived her on. NO WAY. STAYIN RIGHT HERE. so Chris sends his tee shot over her bow. Feeling a little sheepish and glad not to have had a mishap with the beer cart when a voice rang out emanating from the cart... "YOU MISSED ME!!!!", then comes Erik the Brah. whistles his tee shot up the cart path at her again obviously accidentally and also feeling foolish until another taunt: "YOU'RE GETTING CLOSER!!!!!!", she yells. When it was all said and done... you guessed it. our own EMMA. Is she simply sassy or does she have a death wish or some kinda human to golf ball magnetic field around her???

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

The Eagle Has Landed - "One small step for Herb..."
WK9 UPDATE: June 30, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: July 6, 2016)
"Do you want a piece of me poppy." "No I want the whole thing." - Happy Gilmore

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Larry Cooper "37"
Low Net: Rick Carlson "29"
Greenies: Matt Murany & Dave Mitteer
Team Skin: TEAM ERIK STANLEY & JUSTIN ALBRIGHT SKINNED US ALIVE with a 4 week win for 180 team smackeroonies!!
5-Hole: Dave Hamilton
Jamie's scratch skins paid $15 each to Herb, Erik, Dave Hamilton and of course Chris Carlson again.
AOTD Winner: Nope nothing again. It was just too damn nice of a day to trash talk anybody at the end.

But we did have a lot of good shit to report. Birdies were carded by Larry Cooper and Chris Carlson. Nothing new there, but we had some newbees on the birdie train. Can you say Rick Bailey?????? Erik Stanley got his 1st also, as did Matt Murany and Dave Hamilton joining us for the 1st time this year carded 2 of em. Great job guys. This reduces the birdieless on our league to a precious few. You know who you are.

Also if you haven't heard, 'yours truly' sent the League into an uproar over how the Hell it could possibly happen that I too could shoot in the low forties. 42, to be exact. How did it happen? My back is hurt and I cannot turn at all nor bend over sufficiently to keep a wood in play so I simply stood up straight with a long iron in my hand and went painstakingly downfield 170 - 190 yards at a time. Chipped a few close. Sunk a few putts and when it was all over still owned most of the golf balls I took out on the course with me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... hey, this game is fun sometimes isn't it????? Birdie you say????/To Hell With That says Herb Green. Herb sunk a 20 foot uphill putt which broke 8 inches to the left on the first par 5 for an EAGLE "3".

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

President Snapper Pens League Pledge Email
WK7 & WK8 UPDATE, PART II: June 16 & 23, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: July 2, 2016)
"I will get yu the new stuff sooner this week." - Snapper
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” - Gerald R. Ford

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Substitute (of course) Rich Dolph "35" WTF?
Low Net: Erik Stanley "31
Greenies: Jamie Leece & Naked Dave
Team Skin: IT'S A CARRY OVER
5-Hole: Jamie Leece
AOTD Winner: Nope nothing again... but there were contendas

TIMMY CARES MORE ABOUT TEAM POINTS THAN BOOB'S SILLY SIDE BET????

Dishonorable mention(s) #1 to Chris Carlson for attempting to accept a fairly generous gimmee putt offer for an 8 from Timmy K (who is known to never make such gentlemanly offers if the hole is still in question) when Chris knew or should have known (legal jargon) that while the team hole was already decided in tk and Boob's favor, the side bet with Boob depended upon Chris sinking the putt. Boob protested and Chris agreed to not accept the gimmee putt offer from Timmy in clear violation of Snapper rules regarding Special Rule 2a): a/k/a "Fenner/Pettigrew Rule": Any and all offers of "gimmee putt(s)" shall be considered mandatory at the sole discretion of the offeror who will always have the option of either enforcing the "gimmee acceptance" or withdrawing the offer if the offeree in fact strikes the ball; (this is intended only as an anti-handicap sandbagging rule and does not likely affect any of a variety of Snappers who routinely beg for gimmees inside a 12 ft radius of the hole). Therefore Chris did not have the option of refusing the gimmee offer legitimately made by any member of the adverse team.

Dishonorable mention #2 goes to Boob for not recognizing and accepting the legitimacy of our league rules when they were pointed out to him and he simply replied "I don't care. I got a 5 spot on it".

Dishonorable mention #3 also goes to Boob for not considering at the time of the bet itself that side bets must clearly state all the terms of the bet and anything left unsaid is at the bettor's risk. Boob may have inquired of Chris "Don Johnson" Carlson when making the bet: "So are we playing this bet according to Snapper League Rules or some other rules?... but he didn't.

Dishonorable mention #4 goes to Timmy for being a gentleman and offering the apparently insignificant putt as a gimmee. (I know why that one didn't pass the vote)

Dishonorable mention #5 goes to Jamie for well just being Jamie and talking over the explanations of issues before they were complete, challenging Chris' manhood for attempting to accept the or pretending to accept the gimmee offer initially before he replaced the pocketed ball, negotiating the approximate distance with Boob and calmly sinking the putt before the entire last hole gallery hooting and hollering in attempted distraction for the side bet win.

Finally, Dishonorable mention #6 goes to Chris for an ostensibly reasonable point of order rules inquiry on an unrelated matter. when discovering that our substitute Rich Dolph had turned in a scorecard with a one under par 35 actual, Chris asked, "so can we give him a -1 handicap under our handicap system?????" Yours truly explained the mootness of the humorous question this time since our system is based upon 80% of the difference of your score and par WITH NO ROUNDING (emphasis added). technically making Dolph's calculation 36 - 35 = -1 x .8 = -0.8 or "0" with no rounding. But what to do if we ever get a 34???

For 6/16...

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Tom Harrison "39"
Low Net: Tommy/CMO/Boob "34"
Greenies: Tommy Harrison & Justin Albright
Team Skin: IT'S A CARRY OVER
5-Hole: Jim Kulha
AOTD Winner: Tim Kachelski

THIS & THAT CORNER:
After six rounds so far the League Average is 48.27 strokes for 9 holes which is up almost a half a stroke from last year. Even so, don't blame the following Most Improved So Far:
SCOTT GREGORY -3.63 strokes; JERRY CARLSON -3.57 strokes; ERIK STANLEY -1.89 strokes; BILL CAPE -1.77 strokes
Instead Go ahead and Blame the following guys:
Jim Kulha +2.23 strokes; Matt Murany +2.14 strokes; Don Savoie +2.01 strokes; Steve Peltier +1.89 strokes

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

No word thingys, Part II (Dog Days of Early Summer)
WK8 UPDATE: June 23, 2016 By: DaBlade (POSTED: June 30, 2016)
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole! " -- Carl Spackler

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Rich Dolph "35"
Low Net: Erik Stanley "31
Greenies: Jamie Leece & Naked Dave
Team Skin: IT'S A CARRY OVER
5-Hole: Jamie Leece
AOTD Winner:

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

No word thingys?
WK7 UPDATE: June 16, 2016 By: DaBlade (POSTED: June 22, 2016)
"The most important shot in golf is the next one." -- Ben Hogan

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual: Tom Harrison "39"
Low Net: Tommy/CMO/Boob "34"
Greenies: Tommy Harrison & Justin Albright
Team Skin: IT'S A CARRY OVER
5-Hole: Jim Kulha
AOTD Winner: Tim Kachelski

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

Who's Your Secret Snapper?
WK6 UPDATE: June 9, 2016 By: DaBlade (POSTED: June 12, 2016)
Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.

Weekly Cudos: (UPDATE)

Low Actual: Herb Green "38"
Low Net: Jerry Carlson "31"
Greenies: Larry Cooper & Jim Kuhla
Team Skin: IT'S A CARRY OVER
5-Hole: Dave Lawless
Jamie's scratch skins: paid $50 to Tommy Downtown who got the only one. Take that Coop, who got the only one last week

SNAPPER LEAGUE SPECIAL ALERT: With PapaSnap in sunny Lost Wages, Nevada last week, I was the senior Carlson on site and acting league Poo Bah in charge. I had meant it to be a figurehead position, me getting all the accolades while Chris doing all the actual league work. However, I did receive a real complaint from one of the beer babe staff. Knowing that past league shenanigans and beer babe complaints have escalated to the point of having to move the league to a different course - I was determined to diffuse this situation. "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?," I inquired with a sincere, yet slight beer slur. "How come you guys never get rowdy on the porch any more? We always looked forward to the chants of AAAASSSHOOOOLE... ASSSSHOOOOLE." Sounds like Hollywood Steve's absense has been noticed.

AOTD - No winner yet again (not even a quiet one). Considerations:
1) Pre-round scuttle included Steve 'Shang' P pointing and taunting at his opponents one at a time (Cape and lawless), "You brought your 'C' game... and you brought your 'C' game," to which returning Snapper Rick Bailey stated, "sounds like you're playing with a bunch of "C-men'" (or something to that effect)...

2) There was an early nomination of C-Money (by Cape) for getting 'grifted' out of correct change by Herb, after denominations for league games were exchanged back and forth and leaving Chris scratching his head and believing he was shorted $10 in green from Green. Someone had an Abacus APP and the controversy was quickly put down.

3) Erik Stanley nominated Timmy for carelessly spilling his beer on the deck of the new pontoon as he exited to the dock. Erik was still visibly shaken as he recalled the horrifying scene and Timmy's callous attitude for not cleaning up his spill. Erik admitted to toweling up the mess himself while under the watchful eye of the Pontoon Captain. How Erik wasn't counter-nominated for toweling Timmy's mess is still beyond me. C'mon Tim, can't you help a Brah out?

4)And lastly, Leece and his round table of jesters noticed Don Savoie's apparent post-round good-natured jovialness. "Don, it looks like you actually had FUN tonight," to which it will not be confirmed or denied that Don may or may not have replied, "I didn't know golf was supposed to be FUN." Sounds like PapaSnap's absense has been noticed.

Hey Timmy, who's your Secret Snapper? (golf round ends in bizarre one-way gift exchange, with Timmy self consciously tucking the mauve-colored plastic shopping bag under his arm after a quick peak inside. No, it wasn't a Victoria's Secret bag, as was the early speculation, and the contents were not frilly lace in nature. Stay tuned for more details as this breaking story unfolds...)


Wait... Hasn't this happened before???
Hmmmm

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

Tee'd off
WK5 UPDATE: June 2, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: June 7, 2016)
“I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual:Steve Gregory "37"
Low Net: Steve Gregory "29"
Greenies: Larry Cooper & Herb Green
Team Skin: OH NO. WE DREW THE 5 HOLE and the 5 hole winner and his partner both scored well there and skinned us for $90 smackeroonies. Nice job Ken Hochstein and Jim Kuhla
5-Hole: see above
Jamie's scratch skins: $50 to Cooper who got the only one

AOTD: In other news: JIM KUHLA DID NOT WIN ASSHOLE OF THE DAY TODAY. It was a grim and somber faced night for Jim who admitted that after partner Ken Hochstein succeeded in duplicating Jim's famous beer can stuck to your forehead trick (albeit without teeing off) Jim said: "I JUST WASN'T FEELIN IT TODAY".

FINALLY: R.I.P. LITTLE PATRIOT RED WHITE & BLUE GOLF TEE.Larry Cooper finally lost you after 3 and half seasons and not without holding up the league for what Jamie said was 30 minutes or so frantically but futilely searching for the little fella.

YOURS TRULY SNAPPER was intending to replace the tee for Larry but could only find it after a quick google search on PINTREST. Snapper refused saying, "My wife and daughter and every woman I know shops on PINTREST. I aint doin that shit. But hey COOP, how bad do ya want it? They sell em in big packs of multiple tees right next to the patriot red white and blue sunglasses, golf shoes, shirts, umbrellas and GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE. MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA my patriotic friend. But YOU go to PINTREST your own damn self."

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

RAM tough?
WK4 UPDATE: May 26, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: June 1, 2016)
So who said: "what #?" HINT: he could just as easilly have said, "RAM? I shot RAMS lots of times... in my hunt club. Did I tell you I am a member in a hunt club?"

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual:uh... Scott Gregory "41"
Low Net: Scott "Prosthesis Man" Gregory "35"
Greenies: Scott Gregory & Timmy Kachelski
Team Skin: It's a carry over. Hole #18 was cut several times with a team net "8"
5-Hole: Steve Peltier
Jamie's scratch skins: paid $25 each to Herb Green and Justin Albright

Nice job guys. Especially Scott on tearing it up first day back.

FUN FACTS YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW: Titleist is the #1 ball in golf with approximately 50% market share. Callaway is next with 12-13% followed by Bridgestone, Nike, Taylormade and Srixon all with 3-12% market share of all golf balls sold and then there is Topflte, Pinnacle, Wilson, Precept, Noodle, Ultra, Flying Lady etc etc etc followed in apparent last place by RAM (now believed to be extinct) not for sale in any stores except perhaps ebay. (Query: what can you find on the internet?... Answer anything. anything except RAM golf balls that is. They don't exist) Anyone wishing to play RAM must find one previously hit into the shit by somebody else with such low self esteem as to tee one of these puppies up, and this happens (finding a previously lost RAM) about one for every 900 or so other brand balls found.

AOTD: Who else... Jim Kuhla. The man is on a tear apparently determined to fill his bag with yearend prize golf balls from Asshole of the day awards. So here it is. With tears of frustration and balled fists, Jerry DaBlade Carlson explained to the group after golf how Jim treated him so badly. Having only come back to the league this year after decades hiatus, he claims that he still needs a week or 2 to start shooting par golf. Until then his shots will occasionally (like last week) fly or bounce errantly into areas which would be unplayable but for the Snappers fluffing rules. When this happens, the best way for your opponents to show that they really truly care about you and your feelings is for them to help out a little attempting to locate the ball. Jim seemed to do this for Jerry on a particular hole - trudging into the knee high bramble - when unbeknownst to DaBlade, Jim simply wanted to ensure that DaBlade's ethics were intact and he would not try the ole: "here is one... yea that's mine... trick". Jim, as luck would have it, was first to locate the actual ball (allegedly) subtly palming the ball so that Jerry could not peek, he innocently asked: "what are you playing?" knowing full well that Jerry was not one of those "store bought ball" guys but instead simply played what he found while looking for the last found-then-lost ball that brought him there. The "store bought ball" guys often sharpied their initials or cute little colored dots and lines on the single ball they intended to play that night. Jim knew this was not Jerry and that when asked the question, would have to think back (??? let's see... I started the last hole with a Srixon... then played a Slazenger on the next shot, followed by a Noodle - or was it a Topflite on the approach shot????) and he might just forget. And so it went, Jerry first anguished and perplexed - went over the sequence in his mind before EUREKE!!! He remembered: "RAM! I PLAYED A RAM!!!!," He proudly shouted. Jim looked back at the palmed ball and after a moment of silence (and not wanting Jerry to get away with playing someone else's ball) innocently inquired...
"WHAT NUMBER?????????????"....

Webmaster's Note: RAMs are real, and they're spectacular!

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

HAPPY BELATED B$RTHD$Y D$VE WOLF$ND$N
WK3 UPDATE: May 19, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: May 24, 2016)


dave wolfenden says: "happy birthday to me!!!!!!!"

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual:uh... Dave Wolfenden "37"
Low Net: dat's right: Dave Wolfenden & Rick Carlson "33"
Greenies: Dave Wolfenden & Rick Carlson
Team Skin: Matt Muraney & Steve Gregory drew hole #6 in which they went par, par, less hndcp = winna winna!!!!!... $24 carry over from week 1 + $45 for the nite = $69.00
5-Hole: Chris 'Not Wolf' Carlson
Jamie's scratch skins: paid $9 each to Wolf, Herb, Darren, Coop and Chris got 2 of 'em.

Nice job everyone who won money and of course cudos.

Wow, 9 people have birdies after only two weeks of golf. we are now officially on EAGLE WATCH.

AOTD: Jim Kuhla continues to have his name pop up in the after golf aotd discussion so this time he wins it for EXTREME AND BORING BRAGGADOSCIOUSNESS (somebody help Timmy)nominated by Cape and Lawless, 2 regular guys who try to fit in and find common ground with anyone. It seems Dave apparently wanted to discuss his "a day in the life of a northern Michigan retiree transplant" and volunteered this particularly good time he had last week in his Euchre Club. KUHLA would have none of this small talk: "Did I tell you I am a member of a hunt club?" he retorted. "BIG GAME…ie B-I-G-G-G!!!!! GAME"... and "Did you know that I pay $20,000 or so per hunt????" ...and we shoot this, and we eat that. and on and on and YAWN on until Cape and Lawless decided the one sided never ending so called conversation was worthy of aotd, and being that they should know an aotd award when they see one. All soon agreed. congrats Jim "CockSure of Yourself" Kuhla.

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

WEEK 2 RAINOUT
WK2 UPDATE: May 12, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: May 21, 2016)


"Yes, I am a week and a half behind here. So sue me." Webmaster

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual:uh uhhhhh
Low Net: Didn't happen
Greenies: Nope nothing here
Team Skin: carry over
5-Hole: Shit nobody made it that far into the course

Well the radar was ominous and quite emphatic that we would be pummeled by a storm shortly after teeing off. so being Snappers, what did we do????????????? Anybody???????????? anybody?????????? Bueller????????? Bueller????????????? Anybody????

We teed off of course. sure enough with our first foursome completing the 4th hole and our last foursome almost finishing the first hole, the clubhouse called us in on our cart loaded gps messaging. But even though no lightning strikes hit around us, no wind or rain or sleet or whatever that shit eventually was even had started yet. we listened and returned for libations and blues music on Snapper's Bluetooth Bose Soundlink in the cartbarn with nary a drop wetting the hair of any Snapper. there we remained for maybe half an hour to appease the golf course who hoped it would hit then quit. it didn't and we were washed out. Sorry about that near greenie win Justin. too bad about your beautiful par on the par 3 fourth Snap Daddy. no official scores were carded.

AOTD: Honorable mention goes either to Jim Kuhla (the cart passenger) or Ken Hochenstein (the cart driver/navigator) on a near miss cart catastrophe as said tem sped towards the very last open dry parking space in the cart shelter area as Rick Bailey slowly backed up towards same. arriving at just about the same time Kuhla yells GOGOGO!!!!!!!! And Ken STOPPED STOPPED STOPPED!!!!....Bailey got the space oblivious to the near disaster and KUHLA shook his head in disappointment at Ken's courteous driving and moaned: "You had it! Damnit you had it!"

We did have our first 2016 Majestic Beer Babe of the Week awarded…after CMoney went upstairs the back way through the basement store room up the stairs and out the door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" for drinks during the storm. KAYLA made her way down for additional much appreciated storm awaiting orders.

Go SNAPPERS!!!!!

ANNNNND THEY'RE OFF!
WK1 UPDATE: mAY 5, 2016 By: Snapper (POSTED: May 12, 2016)

Weekly Cudos:

Low Actual:Jamie Leece "40"
Low Net: Jamie Leece & Erik Stanley "36"
Greenies: Naked Dave got one and his partner CMoney got the other
Team Skin: hole #16 was cut 8 times for an emphatic carry over
5-Hole: Erik Stanley

2016 TEAM GAMES ENTRY FEE NOW $10/team by League vote…Payouts will be $25 each for greenies and 5 hole winners and $45 for the 2 man team skin winners

The above is nearly all the good news I have to report for week one….the league average score was 50.54 strokes There were only 25 pars and 3 birdies out of 216 league member attempts……4 of these pars belonged to Nakes while 3 and 2 of the 3 birds were carded by Jamie….

Jamie won 2 skins in his own actual score no cap skins game and Steve Gregory got the other… Speaking of Steve Gregory…he is not really a substitute but a true Snapper League member this year as he fills in for his brutha wounded snapper Scot Gregory who broke his leg in league preseason warm-ups….He apparently thought he might get extra distance if he could duplicate Happy Gilmore's Driving technique and was practicing in his backyard…all was going well until he slipped in some dog shit….anyway that's what I heard….Scot tells Steve he wants to bump him out halfway through the season….until then WELCOME STEVE and GET WELL SOON SCOT!!!!!!!!!!

Hey how bout that new pontoon??????? The crazy owners got Captain Bill behind the wheel…whats that about???

AOTD: To maintain the integrity of the award none were truly deserving so none were awarded…..Newbie Justin Albright made an attempt at it though….a pretty fair golfer Justin hit his second shot ater a long drive about 10 feet on the 5hole…as we all know you cannot win aotd for playing bad golf but his partner nominated him not for the shot distance but for the subsequent distance of 15 yards of the cart windshield said to have been karate chopped & accidentally propelled further than his ball…neither hand nor windshield appeared broken and the humorous nomination died a slow death at post league meeting….some suggested he was attempting to gain the nickname "chop chop"? As a final thought….Snappers are asked to keep your eyes open for a Beer Babe of the Week Nomination….anyone can do it for extraordinary service witnessed…this staff is great anyway but me thinks they are already competing with one another as always for this prestigious acknowledgement from our league…..if you have a nomination get a picture of her with a Snapper or 2 and don't forget to look at her nametag……that is name tag timmy k…not below the name tag or above the nametag…but the nametag…
Go SNAPPERS!!!!!


Pictured: A leisurely boat ride across Lake Walden on our way back to the clubhouse side dock after the front nine at The Majestic.

May 29, 2004
I sat at a table on the beer deck checking the math on Snapper golf cards (fifty five... fifty six... fifty seven...). Fellow Snappers were swapping traffic violation stories like old sailors rolling up their pant legs and comparing shark wounds. Mister Cowan's partner, Shang, had started the subject earlier when he hired Snapper to help him with a ticket (allegedly for speeding, but Shang claims it was a wrongful citation as he was in a hurry that day). Shang became concerned and wondered aloud if he was still on Snapper's "billing clock." Snapper told Shang not to worry, as he will work for beers. Shang, here is a running legal bill (bar tab) for Snapper's services.
Shang's legal bill (in beer)

Highlights


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